Hello everyone, it’s hard isn’t it? I’m a twin and I find it hard to speak to my sister about my son as she always seems to act like my grief is no different to hers. In reality she has both her children and one of mine is gone. It’s not the same on any level. Due to this I often feel like I can’t talk to her about how incredibly hard it is for me to carry on without him. Infact I feel completely alone in this at times. If I didn’t have this site to talk to people I don’t know what I’d do.
I sometimes feel like people wouldn’t know if I was alive or dead. People go about their day like nothing has happened when my life has been ripped apart.
I agree that all people grieve and cope differently. I think some people don’t say anything because they either don’t know what to say or as in my case, anytime I talk about my only child that I lost, I just cry uncontrollably. It’s been 10 weeks today
Hi ladies, its 73 weeks almost to the minute that I lost my son, and its not getting any easier. I cry every day, I still struggle with the reality of it all. I look at his photos and scream “why?” And quite simply those 3 words “ I miss you” dont seem enough.
I still see a counsellor who tells me I’m doing ok but it really doesn’t feel it at all .
I have completed a huge book with photos and school reports and his sporting moments to pass down to his children ages 4 and 7 when I’ve gone.
I’ve also filled an album with beautiful quotes I’ve found and had them all printed as photos which all say exactly what I’m feeling.
The days are long and nights longer. I see signs and know he is close by but it shouldn’t be like this, I shouldn’t be just existing wishing I wasn’t here. My son should still be here.
Without you ladies to talk to I dont know what else I’ve got.
My broken heart will never mend until I’m with him once more.
I’m 76 weeks without my daughter and best friend Lauren. It doesn’t get easier.
I have awful guilts that if I had made Lauren go to the drs about her HBP, she wouldn’t have had died from a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage.
I’m on sertraline, have done a year of counselling and am due to start emdr in 2 weeks. I just want to be with Lauren.
A friend who has been incredibly supportive throughout, today when i was yet again crying, said that we all have a blueprint with a start and end date. That makes me feel a little better.
I paint rocks with Lauren’s sunrise and sunset dates and her name and a message and flowers or a heart. If I go somewhere new I take a painted rock and leave it there. It is as though Lauren has also been.
I hope she sees me from her new place and is happy.
We deal with our grief in so many different ways and the way which is right for us. I have to keep busy every day and can never have silence, tv, radio, chats with others. Moments of quiet exacerbate my dark dark thoughts. And I am angry. So angry at the lack of care when my precious boy needed it. It is two years next week to the start of the eleven days of his life support and subsequent catastrophic loss. It is PTSD I suppose and it gets harder and more difficult to live with. My heart literally aches with pain. Sending my love to you other lonely mums
24th of August is the day my son took his own life. I think of him constantly and feel like I can’t talk about it to others as if you haven’t lost a child you haven’t got a clue. At work today a girl I was working with was talking about someone taking their own life near where I live. I just looked at her, I wanted to say “you know I’ve lost my son , just stop” but I didn’t. I thought about it all afternoon then sat and cried when I got home. People who haven’t lost a child just don’t get it. They don’t realize that you don’t get over it. My life has a massive Rupert shaped hole in it that will be with me forever. Sending love to all x
Afternoon ladies, I’ve not been on here for while but have to reach out today. I’ve not been good for few days, everything is so overwhelming and I know i am becoming a bit of a recluse. I just cant bear being around people, people who dont understand the pain i carry, the longing to be with my son. Its 75 weeks and 4 days and tears are falling as I write this. I miss him more than words can say, I look at his pictures and watch and listen to his videos and just cry. This is all so unfair, why take the good ones, why are there bad people still out there.
I can still hear his voice and the words he spoke on the phone just hours before I got that phone call.
That day I relive every single day. I just still dont fully believe and will never accept.
I’m so sorry for what you … we are all going through. Our lives have changed immeasurably. I hate it! I was out with a group of friends from work yesterday and can you believe their topic of conversation was death? I just sat there thinking you all know what I’m going through, do you not realise that this topic of conversation is complete and total torture for me? I went to the toilet and stayed there for a while. When I came back they’d moved on to something else.
People can be son insensitive and don’t think before they speak.
It is so sad to think that our lives are always dark now. We can never be truly happy ever again. It gets harder each day for many of us and peace will never be found. It was the two year anniversary for me this week and I still haven’t accepted that my precious, magnificent boy is gone. Life is difficult and unhappy and it is all an act to show survival
Sending hugs to all the mums on here. 78 dark weeks for me.
I think we are all at that stage where we look and behave ‘normal’ on the outside but are broken inside, I have realised that will never change. Where I am now mentally and emotionally is where i will always be. I have days where I cry at the slightest thing and days where I shout at the universe for taking my Lauren, my daughter, my best friend.
I haven’t been on here for sometime but feel the need to talk to people who understand. It’s exactly 66 weeks today since I last saw my son. Time doesn’t make it easier I find it gets harder. It definitely changes who you are. I have learnt to put my ok face on in public but inside I am completely broken. I have very little interest in doing anything. Life just feels so dark and depressing. Sending hugs x
I very nearly posted earlier, its 76 weeks and 4 days and I’ve been really struggling. Today has been a bad day and I’ve had some really dark thoughts. I’ve cried so much.
I so long to be with my son again, I’ve been watching videos of him on my phone, listening to his voice and just crying so much.
Nothing I can say can help you but please know I understand what you are going through, I wish I didnt though.
I find myself staying in a lot more, I cant and wont put a face on for the rest of the world. I feel so lonely, angry and so very tearful.
I just long for the day I’m with my son once more until then my heart remains broken and I just plod through the days, with no joy or meaning.
I feel exactly the same, I’m so depressed but I’m now on antidepressants and they take the edge off. I write a letter to my son every night in a diary. I hate my life without him . I get flash backs of finding out he was gone and they cripple me. I never for one minute thought my life would pan out like this and I hate my life without him.
Life for me is now just going through the motions. There will never be joy. Every minute of the day has reminders and the flashbacks are frequent. It is just two years and I still cannot accept he is not here. I get that awful shot of adrenaline when the reality hits. My life ended with my precious boy’s.
