Such lovely young men its such a waste of the wonderful life they could have had isnt it.
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I feel so down today, I hate Saturdays and always will. Itās one of those donāt know how to go on without Rupert days. I hate this life right now x
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Hugs to you all.
It does not get easier. 86 weeks and 3 days since I last spoke to my beautiful Lauren and the day she died.
I went out for tea yesterday with Laurenās 2 work colleagues that she was very close to. We had a lovely time. We talked about Lauren, laughed at things she had done that made us happy, shed a few tears at the suddenness of her death and talked about other stuff in our lives as well. On the way home both ladies texted me to say thanks for a lovely evening and telling me how incredible I am.
What they didnāt see is me this morning sobbing and wishing I was with my daughter. Wondering how long Iāve got to carry on like this for and not sure that I can.
Trying to work out if Iām better when Iām on sertraline or just the same.
My days are generally full because I donāt stop. If I stop I cry. Iām not depressed I just want my beautiful Lauren and if I canāt be with her then trade my life for hers.
I have got the most horrendous headache and I hope that it is a precursor to a massive brain haemorrhage, the same as what killed Lauren. Maybe then I will be with her.
Iām not suicidal. Iām sure you can all understand where Iām at
Xxx
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Yes 
id swap places in a heartbeat, my friends keep telling me how strong i but they dont see the silent crying on my own, im not sure how im going to cope on his birthday.
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I have thoughts like that too, itās just a living nightmare. I act normal around people and scream in my head are you all so stupid to see what my life is like now?
I work with a girl and actually said I feel terrible today. Her reply āme too my ex is stressing me outā Can you believe that? The problem is all the people I work with are just living a happy life and have no idea what itās like for a mother when she loses her child. In that moment I hated her. How could anyone be so thick skinned? Iām a teaching assistant and when I go back they have put me with a male teacher who Iāve never worked with before. Just before Christmas I nearly ended it all. When I went back into work my boss didnāt ask if I was ok and to this day still hasnāt checked up on me.
I feel like most people just donāt care x
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This is the only place I feel like I can talk about it x
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Hi ladies, I really do know how you are all feeling. I wouldnāt do anything to myself but if somebody shot me Iād thank them.
A close friend of mine lost her step father recently and I felt jealous that heās gone and I havenāt, i just cant help it. Like you all I so long to be with my son this waiting to join him is endless.
Today his son is 5 and Iāve cried as he should be here, will his little boy even remember his daddy?
I talk to my son all the time, missing him endlessly, plodding through every day not wanting to be here.
Nobody understands but you ladies here do and I thank you for just being here.
I cry so easily most of the time, I had 35 years with my son, my best friend, my rock and it wasnāt enough.
I really dont know how much more I can cope with. I miss him so much and long to be with him.
Love to you all 
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Thegrief is hitting me hard today, its 6 months since his funeral and 2 weeks til his birthday, my body just wants to shut down, i feel like i have no control, the tears are just streaming on their own.
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There are absolutely no words to make you feel better.
Only love from all of us letting you know we all understand and we all feel the same, we are not alone we all have each other on here
Hugs 
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I worry that whilst I always said I would not do anything to speed up my death, Iām finding that Iām questioning what would happen if I acted on these thoughts. But I donāt consider myself suicidal. The woman who went to Switzerland for euthanasia after the death of her son was so lucky.
I just want yo hug my girl .
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Absolutely, if i had the Ā£15,000 needed it would go to Switzerland in a heartbeat.
I dont want to attempt it and it failed Iām sure you understand that?
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I was exactly the same I kept saying to my boy go too the doctor.
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He was grown man 28 years old. I kept nagging him like us moms do. Then bam we went to the QE Birmingham hospital after a thousand week wait. In triage he heard them say it mes something thatās on grays anotomy , he knew it was cancer. I said donāt be silly.
3 weeks later we was in St Maryās hospice. I would have died there and then to him my life! He was so brave, also not processing the situation it happened so quickly.. 3 years August the 19th, I still scream every morning to get it out of mt system. Iāll never get my beautiful intelligent boy back.
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Loosing a son is the most painful devastating thing in the world!!!
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Before the funeral everyone is there then at the funeral then weeks and months the phone stops ringing from people who were so upset on the day. Be prepared to go on a low and get angry at the world carrying on, itās normal. All say is those that really care are still in your life and hold them close and love them dearly. I had to learn the hard way. I really donāt any of you to have to.
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Thank you its really helping x
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Unfortunately a lot of men feel they have to be stoical. My boy certainly did. I lost count of the number of times I asked him to go back to the doctor and he said he would, but didnāt.
He had also lost confidence in doctors because on the few occasions where he actually managed to get a telephone consultation with his surgery, he was told it was probably long covid and just to get on with it. On another occasion he spoke on the phone to someone at the surgery and asked if he could have antibiotics. He was told they didnāt give antibiotics for long covid. Nobody ever suggested giving him further tests. He asked for an inhaler too and was told no. Basically he was just fobbed off by the doctors surgery because he was 33 and they didnāt believe he was that unwell.
Nobody bothered or had time to read his notes, where they would noticed that he had a bicuspid aortic valve, which meant he was more prone to heart infections. I beat myself up about this, because I as his mother should have put two and two together and realised what was causing the extreme tiredness, the breathlessness and the many other symptoms. But Iām not a medical professional and didnāt realise the connection.
I will never forgive myself for letting my son down. But I also will never forgive the medical profession for their lack of care and compassion.
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We as mums are programmed to look after our children no matter their age. When they die we feel we havenāt done what we are supposed to do - look after them - we have failed. Lauren died from a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage. This could have been caused by HBP. She had HBP, but told me and her doctor it was white coat syndrome. Why didnāt I push her to go back to the doctors, why didnāt I push her to get medication? The week before she died she had what we all thought was a tummy bug and severe head and neck ache which I said was through retching and dehydration and lying all scrunched up on the sofa. Why didnāt I take her to the hospital?
I can not and never will forgive myself.
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Its tragic to think it may have been prevented and just another cruel thought to torture us when were already going through the worst thing imaginable.
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Itās made us all into people who never existed when are children were still with us. We carry a loss that a person who has never experienced could never begin to understand.
My son had struggled with his mental health for years . He had just been diagnosed with ADHD and high functioning autism. He didnāt even pick his meds up he just ended his life.
Iām in tears typing this. If only heād picked his prescription up within days it all would have stopped and he would have been ok.
I canāt and will never get over having to go to the hospital to identify him. He looked beautiful, like he was sleeping but all the light had gone from his eyes . I donāt know how Iām supposed to go in but I do, for my daughter x
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