We owned the house that my beautiful daughter Lauren lived in . We bought it specifically for her and her two girls when the relationship with her youngest child’s dad broke down. When my Lauren died, the eldest girl at 17 came to live with us and the youngest at 9 went to live with her dad, who was coparenting with Lauren. The thought of renting out the house to strangers was a no no for me but we couldn’t just leave it empty, so we sold it. It was hard. But I remember how happy Lauren was in her little house and I hope that happiness has passed into the very foundation of the house for the new owners to feel. All her furniture we gave away to people via charity site. Her clothes we asked her friends to come and take whatever they wanted. We sent a dozen or more boxes of clothes to charity shops out of area as I couldn’t face the thought of seeing strangers in my Lauren’s clothes. We are left with a dozen or more big plastic boxes with clothes and ornaments and birthday cards etc in storage. I will one day go through them, but not yet.
I took her quilt, bedding and pillows all of which I have on my bed. The pillows I’ve not washed and at night put my hand inside the case to feel the actual pillow knowing (hoping) that some cells of my Lauren will be on that pillow.
I miss my daughter, my best friend so very much and want to be with her so very very much.
It is 90 weeks today since I found her dead from a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage. The pain has not lessened.
Thank you all for reading this. I send you all big hugs and understanding and a wish that none of us should be able to understand this pain.
I’m the same today, I just burst into tears without any warning. On the 24th I won’t have seen Roop for 2 years. I’m heartbroken and always will be. I’m so forgetful, the doctor said the loss of a child is like having a brain injury. However I never forget anything about Roop thank god it’s just the every day life things I forget about. I’m dreading going back to work as I feel like an idiot the whole time I’m there and can’t wait to get back home. My boss hasn’t once asked how I am since I went back. Everything feels wrong to me now our worlds have been turned upside down x
Nobody seems to ask anymore, they have all just gone back to their lives while us mums are stuck in time. Like you I remember ever little detail in my son’s life yet my memory is shocking with everything else. Since last Friday I’ve had a terrible week, crying non stop even in the shower. I know I look dreadful, but I dont care. I talk non stop to my boy, who I have at home with me, if i go out I play his favourite radio station while I’m out. I plead with him to come and get me but unfortunately I’m still here. People around me pass away and I admit I’m jealous, its an awful thing to admit I know. My whole life now is to honour my son in each and every way I can but I feel alone in this. His partner told meshe is ready to move forward now and wants to move house. I’m devastated to hear this and its forming a wedge between us.
The pain of being without my boy is horrendous and I know you understand.
Mum89. I understand your comments entirely. Nobody asks me how I am anymore nor even mentions my precious boy including his brother, wife and children. This hurts. Yet more pain. His fiancée has moved on and their house is up for sale. I think I am still in denial even though it’s been almost 2 years and three months. My stomach flips when I remember he’s not here. It can’t be true. But it is
Bibby, i get so angry. Its 87 weeks and 3 days how can people move on? My sons partner says she’s ready to move forward now. How??? How on earth can she say that? I cant say certain words because it makes this whole nightmare real and in my head its not real. I too believe I’m still in a state of shock and disbelief, even though I have my son here with me I find it so very hard to comprehend.
Mum89. The reality is too hard for us to accept. As life continues the more our precious boys miss out. We are grieving what our sons have lost and miss out of as well as grieving what we have lost. We are learning to live a new life. A life we don’t want or even care to try. We want our old lives back. It’s so cruel
I really hate mornings as my depression is off the scale when I wake up. The first thing that hits is my desperate need to see Rupert. I can’t stand life without him x
Went to a bar last night with hubby, son, daughter in law and her family.
It was lovely until the band played ‘ chasing cars’ by snow patrol. It was my daughter Lauren’s favourite song. She knew it word perfect and her brother used to take the p*** out of her, all in fun for this song.
I had to leave the bar and burst into tears outside, my hubby was with me saying sorry even though it wasn’t his fault. My son and daughter in law came out and we all hugged and Calum, my son, Lauren’s brother said it had hit him as well. We all hugged and were feeling better.
We went back inside and my Apple Watch told me I had a notification titled Lauren. For one moment I thought she was ringing me.
I showed it my hubby and he said check my phone. My phone had decided to do a montage of pictures of Lauren.
Coincidence or Lauren getting in touch with me?
Then my friend in Australia messaged me this morning asking if I was okay. We message regular but she has never messaged me just saying are you okay. I said yes but had a bad night and she said she felt as though Lauren was telling her to contact me .
Told her what had happened and she is convinced it was Lauren.
I hope it was. I have to believe she is ok and I will see her again.
x