Well, a New Year. But not a happy one for any of us. I feel my son is already slipping away from me, because now he died LAST year. My husband persuaded me to go for a walk with him this morning. I thought the wind and rain might clear my head, but it hasn’t helped. I feel there is nothing to look forward to, and sometimes I feel I’d rather not be here at all, but I have to keep reminding myself that I have a lovely daughter who deserves her own happy future and so I must live for her. But it is so so difficult when a quarter of our family unit has gone for ever. I can’t get my head around how our lives have changed in just over a month.
3 Likes
I’ve had a couple of really wobbly days, just crying at the drop of a hat.
As soon as I’m not doing something my mind wanders and that’s it. I guess this will always happen, we just have to live with it. I don’t know. I have 3 other sons and they’re coming round for dinner so that will occupy us for a while. Just got to go day by day xx
2 Likes
It’s been four months since I lost him and I’ve never felt so alone. I’m sick to death of the posts from family on their social media about looking for the happiness!!! I feel like sending back GET REAL!!! Nobody but me knows about the horrific pain of losing an adored son to suicide! My life can’t just move on its impossible it’s only been four months! After loving and caring for my beautiful son for thirty years I can’t. My life has changed drastically for the worse, nobody should be trying to influence how I grieve as they have no idea what the loss, heartache is like and not just for the past but for the future without him x
4 Likes
I agree, Ali76. People try to console you, but they really don’t understand until they’ve been there themselves. It is such a sad and lonely path we follow.
3 Likes
It really is and thank you x
2 Likes
It is a year and half for me. I still am having trouble coping. I still can’t believe my son took his life. He had so much going for him. He has always been happy with a loving family and many friends, why that would change so suddenly, I will never understand. I hope you have a lots of support for your grieving as we all need it. I do have a lot of support, but the regret and guilt never seems to leave me. Happy New Year to you all and may God give us all the strength and courage to go on with faith and love!
4 Likes
I’ve been feeling very low again this evening with all sorts of thoughts running through my head. My husband went to bed early and my daughter has driven back to her home. I am just sitting and thinking and thinking about my boy. He was such a beautiful, gentle soul and didn’t deserve to die so young. And to die alone too. It just breaks my heart thinking that if he’d been staying with us, we might have been able to save him. I asked him so many times to come and stay here for a while, so I could look after him and feed him up, but of course at the age of 33, you want to prove you can live independently. So many things going round and round in my head. Thinking of all the what ifs, worrying about the funeral. And now feeling that perhaps we should have gone to see his body. Too late now as a month has passed. I have asked the funeral parlour if I can have a lock of his hair, but I’m not even sure if that is possible.
3 Likes
My heart aches for you, the funeral parlour should be able to give you a lock of hair just ask them x
2 Likes
The undertakers can advise you about seeing your son and should say if it’s not appropriate. They should also be able to give you a lick of his hair.
My son also died alone and I regret not seeing him when he was found. I saw him just after 3 wks had passed, I had to for me, to actually make sure it was him. It was obviously a massive shock and I was told before I went in that his skin had darkened slightly. It had, but it was still Ben and I don’t regret seeing him, however I wish I’d seen him the night he was found. My husband did, but when we arrived the police and Ben’s friend who found him all said ‘we advise you not to’ , so with everything going on I didn’t. The next day I asked my husband about Ben and he said he looked like he usually did.
I find I think more and question everything, particularly when I’m on my own or driving. That is often when I start crying.
4 Likes
Fjl, I think I would be afraid to see my beloved son now, after all this time. But it is such a difficult decision to make. I’m glad it helped you.
Yes, and I always have said I don’t want to visit previously, preferring to remember who they were before, however because it was my son it was different.
The undertakers would advise you if you decided to ask.
I completely understand that now it might not be possible for you. All I can say is picture him in happier days. I chose a suit that Ben was really proud of that he’d bought for my youngest son’s wedding in January. We also used a photo of him from the wedding that his 8 yr old son took of him to be on the front of his Order of Service.
We all have regrets, guilt, questions about what we could have done differently but the outcome still may not have changed.
Do what you feel is right. Grief is personal and different for everyone.
3 Likes
Whydidhedie I too like your husband think there is more to this covid and vaccines . But I don’t think it will all come out , they will never omit to it…
3 Likes
Today the tears and the sobbing have given way to anger. I feel really angry for what happened to my Simon and I am angry with everybody else for being alive and going about their business when he is no longer here.
3 Likes
I have days like this too …
Wanting to shout at people in Tesco !
3 Likes
It use to hurt seeing people walking around, as with the secondary bone cancer my son could not walk in the end,
4 Likes
Am so sorry firbyour loss. Talk to as many folk who will listen as possible
Talking helps
3 Likes
This morning I had to take some of Simon’s clothes to the undertaker for the funeral in a week’s time. I took some pajamas I sewed for him a few years ago and his favourite worn out dressing gown that he always wore and some warm socks. It was upsetting but the lady at the undertakers was very kind. This afternoon I kept myself busy with sewing, but this evening I got very low again and have been crying on and off for hours. My husband just doesn’t understand why I am still upset, so he has gone to bed. I’m crying for the unfairness of it all. Simon was such a lovely boy and he deserved to live a longer life. I feel he could have done such good in the world if he had lived. I don’t think I believe in a god anymore if this is what happens to good people, and yet I do desperately want to believe there is something more and that my son hasn’t just disappeared into oblivion.
3 Likes
You’ve lost your baby, he’s part of you crying and longing to see him is normal so cry when you need to cry x
2 Likes
I’m new on here and I’m sorry for your loss and pain you are going through. I lost my boy 2 weeks ago and my dad 3 months ago. Losing my son has over taken both grief and I can’t cope with it. I keep telling myself the same things as you … why my boy!! He is in a better place but the fact of not touching him, hugging him , hearing his voice is unbearable.
3 Likes
I am so very sorry to hear about your double loss and I send my sympathies. What a terrible thing to happen. I have some of my son’s clothes and his pillows. I hug them sometimes to try and remember his smell, but already it is fading. I don’t know if my son is in a better place, but as far as his grieving parents and sister are concerned his place was here where he had so many more of life’s experiences ahead of him. There is a massive amount of anger inside me and I probably need to go somewhere and have a good scream.
2 Likes