I think the end of all this will be when we see our babies again. I cry every day more when i am in the car as he was always with me. I have a lock of his hair in a locket hanging from my rear view mirror and i know hes with me, i talk to him constantly while im driving. I see others living their lives and i feel anger towards them its not fair i want my boy back xx
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Iâm desperate to see Rupert and youâre right nobody who hasnât suffered the tragic loss of their adored child can begin to understand the devastating loss and all it brings with it. I donât enjoy life at all now x
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I donât know how Iâm to go on today. Itâs unbearable, the loss is excruciating. I need and want him so much x
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That is my recurring thought, I just donât understand why. Mistake in heaven, just one of those things, bad luck, pre-ordained⌠my son was truly one of the kindest, sweetest people. He didnât deserve the suffering. Brain tumours are the biggest cancer killers in under 40âs and one of the most under funded. I am going skiing today, canât believe I agreed to it. My counsellor said just let it all go on the slopes - maybe Iâll go over the edge - not really my cup of tea! Xxxxx 
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Ali7, have you considered setting up a charity in your sonâs name? I have been thinking about this for my son, although not sure how to go about it and would need to do some research. Well done for agreeing to go skiing. Maybe it will be better than you think. Anything to take your mind off what has happened. X
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Having tried really hard recently to keep occupied (mostly sewing and going for a few walks), sometimes I actually forget for a few minutes that my son has died. But the downside is I then suddenly remember again and itâs like opening up a wound. Having his ashes here doesnât really offer any comfort. I donât feel they are him. I want him back as he was, my beautiful living boy. I miss you so much.
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I am entering my 8th month without my beautiful son James. Iâm slowly navigating the world of a bereaved parent because thatâs who i am now desperately seeking the comfort from strangers with the same name in a club that no-one ever wishes to belong too.
Today i feel overwhelming disorientated, trapped in a maze, unable to search for the new me although this is a person i donât recognise when I look in the mirror, the fearless strong person no longer stares back at me. I am broken. Iâve spent today mourning James through a thousand tears and feeling irrational fears about my daughters safety. Its a juggling act that just doesnât work.
Grief was never taught, it has no rules and takes enormous courage to face it and yet your bravery has reached out to me and given me understanding and a tiny ray of hope in a world that has fallen apart.
I feel so exhausted missing James and you wonderful unknown heroâs have helped me more than you will ever know.
I thank each and every one of you for giving me the courage to face each day.
You are all amazing xx
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So sorry to hear about your son James. Sending you huge hugs and love .
I scattered Akhil ashes yesterday on Thames itâs was a beautiful sunny day. The sun just shone over us. His best friends joined us. Unfortunately my older son did not come and I refused my ex husband. But it was all for the best. Also I kept some ashes to make some jewellery with. And a little if his ashes his best friend wants to take it with him in his next holiday that he would have gone with Akhil.
Very emotional day⌠now itâs reality again but still waiting on cause of death⌠so aching for my son to be here ⌠deep down I know he is in a better place ⌠xx
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The sunshine was perfect yesterday. What a wonderful day for your beautiful Akhil and your bravery shone as bright. I have my James in the garden, its perfect for us. The endless nights are more bearable with our endless chatter. I also have a ring which i cherish.
How wonderful that he will travel with his friend with your blessing.
I waited 7 months for the cause of death. I truly understand your pain.
Thank you for your beautiful message.
I wish you all the love in the world xx
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Yes, there are big charities that we did a lot of fund raising for. This Saturday we are walking in London for The Brain Tumour charity. We are only doing the 5k leaving from Marylebone. Goes round the London parks. Mostly tbh I have pulled back on fund raising - bit late for my son, and I feel a bit bitter. (Sounds silly and selfish but I would be gutted if they discovered a cure so soon after he died). Probably will pick up doing more fund raising if I start to feel betterâŚxxxxxxxxx
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Ali7, I understand why you would feel bitter. I would feel the same. But well done for enrolling in the walk this weekend. I hope the sun will shine for you. X
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Reena, I hope you feel a little peace now Akhilâs ashes have been scattered. Sending you hugs. X
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Laura, seven months is a very long time to wait. It must have been torture for you. We are still awaiting the results of Simonâs tests, but have been told they will be here imminently. Whatever the results are, I donât feel they will give us closure.
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This morning my husband has driven to Simonâs flat to do some more clearance. I couldnât face going with him. Now feeling guilty. He is planning to go again later this week, so I must brace myself to accompany him then. My feelings on the flat are very muddled. It was such a happy place when Simon first moved in, but I now associate it with his passing, so almost dread going there. But it seems almost disrespectful to feel that way about my sonâs home, where he enjoyed living so much. I donât sense his presence there there either, which I so, so wanted to do. It just seems like an empty shell. We now own the flat and will be renting it out, but that feels uncomfortable too. The thought of other people living there, using the rooms and maybe changing the decor seems wrong, but renting it out is the most sensible thing to do. I hate having to deal with all of this. I want my son to be there still. I want to be able to pop over for a coffee and a chat. I want him back.
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I was the same. When i found out i was waiting for a moment of peace to surround me. It never came. Youre right, Jamesâs cause of death changed nothing. I was still here without him. I refused all the inquest reports. I canât imagine the added pain that would give me onto of the heaviness of heartache that we already carry.
I hope you get your answers soon and i wish you peace x
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Whydidhedie like you I have mixed feelings about Laurenâs house. We bought it 2.5years ago to ârentâ to Lauren in order she could escape a controlling relationship. All her friends say how happy she was in the house. We bought what she wanted for the house in terms of sofa and beds etc and since she moved in she had dressed it with ornaments, and pictures and rugs and so on. When I go there I can still smell her in the house. Itâs a unique smell to Lauren of perfume, candles laundry tabs and perfumed oil burners. As I walk in I get a flash back of finding her dead in the lounge, but am glad it was me that found her. When Iâm there I feel okayish, but afterwards I break down. We were there on Saturday sorting out more clothes for charity, and some to go in storage for her eldest daughter to sell and some in to storage because I just can not part with them at this stage as I have memories of her wearing them. I can only do a couple of hours once a week though.
My husband wants to sell the house as soon as we can. He wants to pay of the sons mortgage with it. In a way Iâm glad he has decided not to rent it out because neither of us could cope being landlords having to potentially go in to do repairs and see changes the tenants had made or worse if they had damaged it in any way.
The hardest part of it all is knowing the plans she had for her future in that house. She had just bought curtain poles and curtains for the bedrooms. The curtains are still wrapped up and the curtain poles in the hallway ready for my hubby to put up. It was the last shopping trip we did together at the end of October, we went to Ikea.
Itâs not fair. Lauren was a good person. Lauren was loved by so many people. Lauren had finally got a good relationship with her girls after her ex partner tried to destroy those relationships through his manipulation. Laurens confidence was growing after being smashed to pieces. She had cut down smoking, didnât drink alcohol and cut the coffee. ITS NOT FAIR
Why is it the good ones that die?
Iâm broken, it should have been me .
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Ive had the coronerâs report and it doesnât help. I know how but ill never know why my loving son is not with me know. I take sleeping tablets, i see counsellor every 2 weeks and its not helping. I want my precious son back. The pain is horrendous. I love that boy so much and missing him is something i wouldnât wish on my worst enemy. My heart is broken totally xx
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The past 2 weeks have seen me crying more than i did at the beginning. I miss Lauren so very very much.
Every morning I awake and wish I hadnât. Every morning is the realisation that my Lauren is not here and I will not be able to see her, hear her, touch her. The pain of yearning is unbearable at times and I am shouting out her name and âno, no, noâ.
Hubby has seen and heard me doing this now ( I have tried to be brave before) because I canât hide it anymore and is suffering because of me and death of Lauren.
Why wasnât it me?
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I feel exactly the same, I really wish it had been me. Mornings are horrific as itâs another day without Rupert. I absolutely hate my life now. Sounds terrible but the end canât come quickly enough. I feel like Iâm in a living hell and I wonât recover from this x
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I have just completed a list of all my last wishes and put with all documents even what i want to wear when i meet my son again. That time cant come soon enough. I love my other 2 children but my youngest needed me and i need him so very much. I am lonely and scared without him and i am longing to be with him xx
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