Every morning i send a text via watsap to my sons phone as soon as i wake. His partner keeps his phone charged . I then start to navigate the day ahead. Its 21 weeks for me and relive the day every week the day my precious son took his last breath.
Learning to live this new life without him is so very hard. My love remains as strong as ever the pain of missing him never goes away. I still long to see him and hear him. The pain shows in my face, i dont look in the mirror anymore, ive aged so much in looks, horrific bags under eyes with crying anc lack of sleep. Xx
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Hello lovely ladiesā¦ I hope you are doing as well as can beā¦ Iāve not posted for a while as lots going on and felt so alone that couldnāt really deal with anything.
It will be 21 weeks tomorrow for my darling son Akhil. Still not heard back from the inquest. However I did go to an Angel board reader about 2 weeks ago and Akhil came through with my dad ā¦ very emotional but also I felt a little peace that they were together. He said not to blame myself and that this could have happened anywhere in the world. He told my there will be nothing by found from the inquest as he basically just fell asleepā¦ he told me his time was up he did what he came on this earth for and now he is needed there . He was too precious for this world he told me. My told me he has Akhil by his side and he will look after him until I meet him again. Iām crying as Iām typing this out. Much more things he said that were all so true. The signs he gave and will keep giving. Faith is the only thing that is keeping me going that one day I will see them xx love to all
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Hi Reena, lovely to see you posting again and wonderful that Akhil has āspokenā to you. It must be such a lovely feeling. I am teetering on trying to find someone, somewhere to go.
I understand your excrutiating loneliness - sometimes, and more recently, I feel that and more often than I did. I feel friends are going back to their lives and my work contacted me about going back - the thought makes me feel physically sick. Unfortunately no benefits for a 64 year old women. Got to wait until 67 before state pension and living in the lap of luxury starts! My sleep, or lack of, is messing me up even more. Tablets donāt seem to help anymore.
Funny thing yesterday, maybe all in my head. After a full on counselling session I got the post box key from a mug marked Mama on the window ledge. George bought it for me as a joke. I picked out the smaller key and when I went to put it back the larger key was balancing on its end in the middle of the mug. I left it to show my daughter in law but it fell over at the merest touch. I tried to get it to stand on its end again but it would not. I would say there was no way I could have accidentally done itā¦ just odd! Xxxx
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Iāve put on so much weight - the insomnia and noctural snackingā¦ xxxx
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Hello, Reena, and welcome back. Itās lovely to hear that the angel board reading brought you comfort. Do you plan to go back again? I hope you get something from the inquest soon. Even if it is inconclusive, you should have heard something by now. Sending a big hug. X
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Hello, Ali7. I am pretty sure the lack of sleep and the overeating are connected. I find if I stay up late, my stomach starts to rumble and I have to eat something. And then I get into the habit of eating every night. As you know, I have also had thoughts about seeing a medium, but am very much on the fence about it. That is very strange about the key. What is the key used for?
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The key is a rectangular top shaped front door key, not built for balancing! I donāt use the mug as it is not suitable for the dishwasher. We put a post box outside as the dog used to eat the mail. Nowadays he couldnāt care less, an old man of nine! I put the post box key in the mug - we were always losing it. Even I canāt get my head around it - very odd!
('Whatāre you doing George? ā 
)
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Thatās defo George. X funny how you canāt balance it on thereā¦ itās his doing hahaā¦ apparently younger ones that pass prank more and are more cheeky to make us smile xx
Iād left my work when Akhil passed and didnāt want to go back to corporate world and now Iāve started my own Travel company part of a franchise so that should keep me busy booking other people holidays.
Canāt sleep well but try ā¦ memories are all we have . I just sit sometimes and wonder when Iāll see my boy again. My older son Jay just got engaged in Italy. Which was nice. Akhilās friends well just the 8 of them are coming over for lunch tomorrow so Iāll share some of Akhil messages with them too x
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I see an amazing medium have been few times, my son has a very strong spirit and is always there. It gives me comfort at the time then i go home and reality kicks in. The snacking i can understand. The tears still fall, the longing to see him, hear him and have a big bear hug are still there. I miss him so so very very much xx
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I was the same about going back to work , Iāve been doing a phased return for the last three weeks where Iāve just gone in for a few hours a couple of times a week . Next week will be the same then Iām back to normal hours. I feel like a bit of a spare part going in at the minute and hate it. Nobody can understand what we are going through as theyāve no idea what itās like. I wish I was old enough to retire but unfortunately Iām only 58. Life is so bloody difficult x
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Opposite for me, Iāve gone from a size 18 to a size 12. Iāve no appetite and walk for miles every day. Iāve been walking to work and back which is around 14 mile and so dog walks too. Itās the only thing keeping me going x
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Iāve seen two psychics now. The first one wasnāt much good. The second one amazing and he knew a lot about my son. He said that my son could hear his brother and his dad giving CPR 
But apparently heās with my mum and nan they are holding his hands. Iām still off work. Absolutely do not want to go back. But I have no choice. Bills have to be paid.
This is such a tough journey. Iām crying a lot. Miss him so badly my heart is weakening. 
Iāve lost weight and Iām smoking like crazy 
Love to you all 
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Itās just awful and nobody can understand what itās like losing a precious child unless theyāve been through it. Iāve hated going back to work but they put me onto half pay just after Christmas and that then would have lead onto no pay. I feel completely out of place in work. Iām so grateful for the phased return as my boss said just come in when you feel up to it. I never feel up to and wish I never had to go back. Management have been great and Iām grateful for that but but I donāt want to do it.
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Hi everyone, I have days now where I donāt cry as much but think about my son all day every day. I cry and sob still at times but Iām getting breaks in between. Itās my sonās birthday tomorrow and itās obviously playing on my mind as Iāve been very snappy and things like the dogs barking have been driving me mad. I still canāt believe heās gone and multiple times throughout the day I ask him āwhere are you?āā
I question myself and say to myself and say āare you really goneā does anyone else feel like this?
Sending love to all x
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I hope you get through tomorrow.
The questionā where are you ?ā is one I often say out loud to Ben.
Of course we canāt answer a lot of our questions and those ones are the ones that go round and round in my mind.
Sometimes I think Iāll go mad with the questions in my head, so I try not to think.
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Yes I do. Itās like my mind just wonāt accept that heās gone. I think about him all day long. I seem to be stuck in the grief phase is not being able to accept. Xxx
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I totally understand how you are feeling. Even after so long, and with Simonās ashes sitting in our dining room, I still find myself asking where he actually is, still hoping that it is some terrible mistake. Tears appear regularly throughout the day. If the slightest thing goes wrong, that sets me off. Or Iāll be in a particular part of the house or garden, and a memory of Simon being in that place brings on sobbing. At night I often go out into the garden, look up at the sky and ask if he is there somewhere. I still long for a sign that he is around, but thereās been nothing so far. Bizarrely I have also recently found myself crying and asking for my mother, as if somehow she would know what to do and would be able to make things right.
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Hi Reena,
Hope your lunch with Akhilās friends went okay. We donāt hear so much from Georgeās friends now - they were fantastic at first, guess they have their own lives to get on with. xxx
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Hi all, yes my sons friends were fantastic at first but communication seems to have become less and less. Its 22 weeks this wednesdsy and i have my boy in my thoughts constantly, he is here with me i talk to him all the time. There are still questions i ask out loud but no body can answer them. The pain is horrendous and like you say no one can understand it if you havent been where we all are. Tears still fall, the longing to have him back is still there. I look at his photos, i listen to his voice and watch videos i have and still find it hard to believe my precious son is not here.
Sending love to you all xx
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25 weeks tomorrow since my beautiful daughter and best friend Lauren died. I thought I was dealing okay with my grief. Shock every morning when I wake and realise itās a nightmare I canāt wake from, a few tears and then get on with the mundane life without any joy.
Today Laurenās eldest daughter Isabelle who we are legal guardians for and now lives with us passed her driving test at first attempt. I am very proud but I am sobbing uncontrollably with the shower running because Lauren should be here celebrating. As it is I have managed to send her a card and hugged her and told her how proud I am. But i want my daughter so much it hurts.
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