I can’t listen to other people’s rubbish.
I switch off or I just decide I’m not going to mix with people.
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If you’re applying for the medical notes I would say contact your local NHS trust direct, don’t bother going through SARS.
Also be aware that doctors surgery notes are completely separate from hospital records and you need to apply separately for them.
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Thank you.
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I feel absolutely terrible, the grief is off the scale these past few days. A week or so back I felt like I was starting to cope a bit better but the rug has well and truly been pulled from under my feet. I guess this is my new existence, a few days of feeling a bit better then utter devastation hitting again. No parent should have to go through this. I just don’t know how to get through it x
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Whydidhedie.
Like you I’m going over what I think I could have done. Lauren died from a spontaneous intracranial haemorrhage, I have read that it can be brought on by hbp. I know she had hbp but used to tell me and anyone who would listen including the gp that it was white coat syndrome. Why didn’t I go to the gp with her? Then she might have gone on medication and not died. I feel I’ve failed as a mum. I saw my gp who I trust completely, he was also Lauren’s gp. I spoke to him about Lauren’s death and the hbp he said I could have medical notes but he didn’t believe hbp had been the cause. It was a weakness in a blood vessel in the brain that just went at that particular time. I am still even with this information finding it hard to move on from it. I think it’s natural that as mums we have to try and take the blame. It’s our fault not theirs, we are still protecting them.
Also again like you we are having to sort out Lauren’s house. I had not been for about a month because of having to deal with builders and decorators here to accommodate Lauren’s eldest girl who now lives with us. When I went to Lauren’s last weekend I could still smell her in the house. I sobbed for ages knowing that smell would go when we sell the house, wishing I could somehow bottle it up to open occasionally. Her eldest daughter wanted Lauren’s bed so we dismantled it and brought it here. I have taken Lauren’s quilt and bedding and have them on our bed. I find it comforting. I have some of her clothes as well and try to wear one thing of Lauren’s every day, usually a t shirt or a hoody.
I have a few days where to the outside world I appear ‘normal’ though I’m screaming inside and then a day where I can’t face leaving the house and cry constantly. I still wake every day and cry for my beautiful daughter and best friend but then get on with my day. I told my counsellor that I believe this is what my life is now and she agreed, though she did add that I would develop a new relationship with Lauren. It has not happened yet. I want to be able to think of Lauren and smile.
Thank you all for helping me cope and realising I’m not alone in my thoughts and behaviour.
Xx
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I think you and I must be twins, as all of this is how I am feeling too. Sending you a big hug . Xxxx
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Ali76 i seem to have few days of just few tears here and there then suddenly i get this massive meltdown . I constantly have my boy in my thoughts and so long to not wake up and be with him once more. You ladies on here help so much more than you know. Love to you all xx
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I think it’s always going to happen, what an existence we have. It’s just heartbreaking.
Sending my love to everyone xx
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For months I have been waking in the morning with a feeling of panic and horror, which can take an hour or more to dissipate Nowadays I am finding that I often have panic attacks during the day as well. I don’t know why I’m panicking as the worst, the very very worst, has already happened.
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I have chronic insomnia and sleep for a few hours each night if lucky, it makes facing the next day even more harrowing. Counselling is not helping and friends trivia is getting more and more intolerable. I am now angry with everything, with road rage and irritability dominating my days. Is this part of the deal?
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Im finding i have a day maybe 2 where i dont cry then i have 2 or 3 when i dont stop crying. I feel angry a lot of the time. I constantly have my boy in my thoughts. The pain of missing him is awful. I just long to be with him. Very much sleep deprived like you. I try so hard with his children and his brother and sister but i need my boy i want him so badly xx
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Sorry to hear you can’t sleep. I actually do manage to sleep quite well, but often wake a few times for a cry and never feel refreshed in the morning. Yes, having less patience is probably the deal for all of us now. Personally I can’t be bothered with all the trivia, hype and nonsense on TV and social media. I’d rather be in the garden growing something, or making something in my sewing room. At least it’s something more positive to fill my days and if I am occupied, the panic attacks don’t happen so often. I never realised how blessed my life was before and how lucky I was. I used to read about other folk’s tragedies and just assumed nothing bad would ever happen to me and my family. How wrong I was.
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For years ive had thoughts of someone happening to my son, i worried about him so very much. He had a devil may care attitude, he always said he was a machine. Health and safety at work and my son didnt go together, he never saw danger, but i did all the time. All the worry i had i never dreamed this would happen. Total shock and disbelief and after 23 weeks i still feel like that. I miss him so very very much. My heart has totally broken 
xx
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I worried incessantly about my children from Day 1 and used to imagine what I’d do to protect them in various scenarios. But I always assumed that it would be possible to save them from any danger. I never imagined a scenario where my son would pass away in his own bed. It was so totally unexpected. There is so much guilt that I couldn’t help him, but also anger that fate dealt him this particular hand.
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That is so lovely. It’s my sons birthday on 11th June and I’m getting him a rose called Steve. Sending love xxx
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It is just so nice to see something growing and flourishing, after all the sadness of the last 6 months. I wouldn’t say it gives me hope exactly, but it does lift my spirits a little.
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Looking lovely - my George rose just blooming - dark red. I hope my husband is looking after him while I am away in Cornwall.
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I dont have a garden unfortunately i live in a flat. I always keep fresh flowers in living room though where my boy is, i still look at his beautiful urn and dont believe the whole nightmare, i never will.
The tears still fall so much.
I just want to be with him
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I don’t know if you are aware, but Sue Ryder can set up a Special Memories Tribute page for your loved one, with donations going to a charity of your choice. I have just organised one for my SImon, with donations going to British Heart Foundation. The link is: Special Memories Tribute | Sue Ryder There is a paragraph halfway down the page where you fill in your loved one’s name and then the page will be set up for you.
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