Even in the depths of your sorrow, your child’s love will always glow within you. Keep moving forward with courage and hope, holding their memory close to your heart."
1 Like
Why did he die
Like you I am moving towards that 1 year without my child.. a reality that without her I am nothing. I believe my role was to be Lauren’s mum and to grow care for her. That is now complete.
I feel more grief now than I did in November last year. But now there is no shock to protect us. Just the bare reality.
Like you I feel like people and the universe have moved on and left me behind. I don’t want to burden people as I feel they might get fed up with me as I feel I’m on repeat constantly.
Like you I sometimes believe it’s not happened and that Lauren will come walking through the door, her usual beautiful, cheerful, loud self. I look for robins and feathers and signs that she might send me.
I get up every day and do so only because my hubby keeps me tethered to this earth, I have never been particularly religious but have to believe there is something beyond death where me and Lauren will be together again.
I hope Lauren and Simon are looking down on us. Wish they could guide and support us a bit more though.
4 Likes
My sentiments too x
2 Likes
It’s been quite awhile since I posted. I’ve not been in a very good place.
I have just read through all the comments and the common denominators we all have is disbelief, shock, loneliness, anger but most of all utter bewilderment of how and why our lives have been destroyed so effectively.
I am not religious, I don’t know where my girl is, my ache to see her again is all consuming, which is where my head has been. I’m now trying very very hard to remember her only with love instead of the denominators I listed above. I was slowly destroying myself and I have 3 other children and a husband who also need me to be present.
I don’t know if I will succeed, I don’t know if this is something that will work but after the last few months I am very aware I need to try and change my mindset if I’m going to survive.
4 Likes
Me too. A husband and another son with two remarkable children to distract me. This works when I’m with them but there is so much time when I’m not. 17 months and still I feel my precious boy is just away. It hits me like a bus every time when I remember he’s gone forever. It is so all consuming and there is never any comfort 
3 Likes
I’m so sorry I don’t have any wonderful words of wisdom or helpful advice but I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand what you’re saying and feel very much as you do.
I too feel so consumed by my need to see my daughter, sometimes to the point that my mind goes to darker places than I imagined it could. My whole day is filled with overwhelming sadness and constant thoughts of my daughter but I have a younger daughter too so I know I need to do something to try and change my mindset to get through this and to be present for her.
It’s only been three months for me but at the moment it feels as it’s getting much harder and the yearning for her is much more desperate. I think that realising we need to change our mindsets to survive this is a positive in itself? I’ll take any small win at the moment tbh.
I have no words that can make this whole heartbreaking situation any better, I am 44 weeks and 4 days after losing my boy and I feel im going backwards at times. The pain in so intense and raw, the tears flow easily. He has taken a big part of me with him that will never be filled. I too have dark thoughts that I never thought I would but I know when we meet again it’s got to be a natural way of you understand he would be angry with me if it wasn’t.
I so long to hear him and see him again. Sending love xx 
2 Likes
Pl
My baby boy birthday was 16th of October. I cried put music I listen to to clean to drown out the time until my bestie of 40 years picked me up to go to Rhys grave
1 Like
14 months since I lost my beautiful son and I cry multiple times a day and beg to have him back. I’ll never get over it. I’m at work three days a week and sometimes I feel useless as my memory is terrible, it actually makes me feel like an idiot. I’m constantly worrying about what people think of me at the minute. Losing a child is the worse pain and unless you’ve been through it you really have no idea. It’s torture, desperation, depression, heartbreak and longing all rolled into one. I talk to my son all the time and just hope somehow he knows how much I miss him and that I’ll long to see him until we are together again in a far better place x
4 Likes
There are no more words to say to you. I feel every bit of your pain. I talk to my son all the time, I have candles lit round him at home and I leave radio on for him when I’m not there. It hurts so much
4 Likes
I’m still so confused why take my baby away, ok he was 28 but he had all his life ahead. A hounour degree
5 Likes
Evening ladies, im guessing you are all feeling like me right now. We’ve had the first Halloween, seeing my boys children dressed up without him was so hard, it’s fireworks now and we are entering the build up to Christmas. My sons children are 7 and 4 and I feel so guilty I can get in the mood for them. I’m having bad time lately, it’s 46 weeks tomorrow and still relive every moment. It doesn’t feel real still. This pain, this heartbreak is unbearable. I cry every single day, I feel lost and lonely and long to hear his voice, see his smile just to be with him. I’m struggling so very much. Dark thoughts are there, I just want to be with him xx 
5 Likes
Saturday will be THE DAY, first anniversary. I’m dreading it. Been randomly crying more this week. We are going away for the night, I didn’t want to be in the same space re-playing the day. I know I will still be reliving it but just somewhere else might be a tiny distraction.
6 Likes
Mum89 and FJL
Like you I’m coming up close to the first anniversary. 49 weeks today. The past month has been horrendous. I’ve cried so much. Every second I am thinking of my beautiful Lauren. It’s not fair. I want to see her, hear her, smell her, feel her holding me. She is missing so much, and that hurts more than anything. This feels much worse than when she died. This feels so raw and so painful. I’m having very very dark thoughts and can not seem to get out of it. I just want to be with my daughter and best friend.
6 Likes
Bam
I feel for you so much as a grieving mum I do genuinely understand. Its all so wrong, so very wrong
6 Likes
Ladies, I am also coming up to THE anniversary. It was 50 weeks ago last week that our beautiful Simon left us. We have decided to scatter some of his ashes at the crematorium on 29th November, which will be the anniversary of his death. I made a terrible mistake when we were composing the wording to be engraved on the metal plaque. I actually put the wrong date! I can’t quite believe it, but I was so busy getting the wording perfect - and asking my husband and daughter if they were happy with it - and none of us thought to check the date. There was a slight confusion anyway, because we think our son actually passed away on 28th, but the official date of death on the certificate is 29th. The crematorium have promised a new plaque will be ready when we arrive to scatter his ashes. I am assured by the lady I spoke to that this mistake occurs quite often, so I am not the only idiot in town. I have been crying more again recently as the anniversary approaches, so I understand how you are feeling. Even after all this time, I still find myself thinking that I must get in touch with Simon and invite him over. He is in my thoughts the whole time, and everything I do or experience reminds me in some way of him. It is going to be so difficult at the first anniversary. And then of course Christmas follows close behind and I don’t know how or if we will feel like celebrating anything. Sending you lots of hugs and sympathy, and if THE day has already been and gone for you, I hope you managed to stay strong.
6 Likes
I am nearingTHE day and past few weeks have been awful, more tears, more meltdowns, still the disbelief, the dark thoughts I have are awful. I talk to my son all the time, I have him with me and just cannot think about taking him anywhere. I’m sending love to you ladies from one heartbroken mum to all the others
5 Likes
Well I got through the first anniversary.
I decided I wanted to go away, so we went to the coast for 2 nights. Yes I felt like I was running away, yes I sort of was. I spoke to my other children and they all said I should do what I needed to.
I visited Ben the day before we went and the day after I got back.
Escaping helped me a bit to stop the constant thinking, we visited places we hadn’t been to for years and do it gave me other memories and things to talk about.
I am relieved the date has now passed.
I think we all just have to do what we think is right. I’ve given up worrying about what others may think.
I will think of Ben every day for the rest of my life. Sometimes it still isn’t believable.
Obviously Christmas is approaching, the second one without him. Impossible to think that’s real …
I hope we all find our own peace as time goes on.
7 Likes
It is Lauren’s 1st anniversary next Wednesday the 26/11. We had most of her ashes buried up at a tree for a life site with a hawthorn - her birth flower/tree. We have been up a few times already. Lauren’s friends and work colleagues have been asking what we were doing on the day. We have decided to go up to the tree come rain or shine and it looks like there are going to be at least 20 people joining us for the hike. I don’t want it to be any sadder than the day already is. Last Saturday the council who she worked for put up their Christmas lights in the town. 30 minutes before the main event they had a switch on of one light outside the library where Lauren’s office was. It is a red stiletto shoe that the street lighting team designed and made to commemorate Lauren who organised the Xmas lights every year with the lads from the team. We invited friends and family to attend and Lauren’s youngest daughter flicked the switch.
It was bitter sweet. Lauren would love it but hate the fuss. But we shouldn’t have to be doing it anyway.
I still have days where my brain can’t compute that Lauren has died. I have bad days and worse days. No good days yet. I still say it’s not fair and why my Lauren, why not me. I wake every morning and think ‘here we go again’. There is no joy. I miss her so very very much. I want to be with my Lauren. People tell me 'Lauren wouldn’t want you to do this or would want you to do that’s I can’t think like that yet. I’m angry at what she is missing out on. I still have mum guilts that I should have got her to a dr or a hospital.
I can say all these things to you all on here because I know you understand.
Love and hugs and understanding to you all
Xxx
8 Likes
Dear Bam, how lovely about the tree and the stiletto light. Your Lauren was obviously very loved and well respected by many people. I understand how you are feeling, that mixture of sadness, incredulity, anger and guilt. Yes, every morning, for me too, it’s “Here we go again”. I think it will always be like this.
5 Likes