Yes sounds like a lovely tribute, although it shouldn’t be one as all our babies should still be here. I wake every day thinking the same. Tears fall so often every single day. The feeling of emptiness, loneliness and pain are always there. I long for the day I am with my boy once more. 
Love to you all xx
This sounds lovely ( wrong word I know ), as we shouldn’t have to think or plan these things.
The Christmas lights was thoughtful of her colleagues.
I think we all have the guilt and what if’s and always will.
I went and sat in the church this morning where Ben was christened. I’m not religious as such but had all my children christened. I don’t attend church, never have, unless it’s for a ceremony so I guess it’s a bit hypocritical but I just felt the urge to go.
There was no-one there, it was obviously quiet, don’t think it helped me really. I don’t know what I was expecting, I almost feel like I need to speak to a vicar and argue with him/ her about where Ben is.
Sorry, I’m rambling on.
Anyway I hope the date for Lauren goes as you wish and that you get through it .
Sending you a hug.
Fji my thinking is same as yours, you are not rambling. It will be 48 weeks tomorrow and just putting my thoughts on here without judgement has meant so much to me.
Thank you ladies xx
Thank you.
It’s good to know we’re not alone and have similar thoughts.
Dear Fiji, on balance did you find that going away for a few days helped? I have wondered about booking something somewhere new, maybe in the New Year, to take my mind off things, but then I immediately feel a rush of guilt about it, knowing that my son will never enjoy holidays again. A lot of self help books say you should go ahead and live your life to the full, in memory of your child, but it’s easier said than done.
Yes I do think it helped me.
It didn’t stop me thinking of Ben of course but I believe it stopped me ‘re -playing’ the day because I was somewhere else.
It also meant we had other things to look at and to talk about as well. We went to places we’d both been years ago, and also had holiday memories of Ben when he was a young child at these places.
I had one tearful moment sitting in the hotel conservatory.
There will always be guilt for things. We can’t escape that. I have a dream holiday booked for my 6Oth next year. I wanted it to be a family event but obviously that won’t happen.
I do think that we all just have to do what we think is best, it’s a personal choice and there’s that saying about walking in someone’s shoes.
I’ve never been one who cared much what others think and now that’s even more apparent. Life is definitely too short …
Me and hubby are going to Australia, 3 days after Lauren’s 1st anniversary. I have a friend in Australia that i haven’t seen for a number of years. We were pregnant together, me with Lauren and Jan with twin girls. This will be the last occasion we meet, I am 65 and she is 68. Lauren’s death has taught me that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I don’t think I’m living life to the full, I’m existing. But for me this is about saying goodbye before it’s too late.
I have a friend who lost her son 5 years ago and she has thrown herself into living to honour her son. I wish I had the energy to do that.
I miss my daughter’s hugs. No one could hug me and make me feel like she did.
You may not think you’re living life to the full, but you’re still keeping going, you still have plans. They are steps forward and we have to keep going, for ourselves, partners and other family members.
Nothing will change our immense love and loss for our children, whatever we do or not do.
Who’s to say what living life to the full is ?
Perhaps our children can see us and are egging us on to do things with our lives .
Ladies, these trips you have planned sound lovely. We all navigate this life now differently although we are united in the one aspect of it, one of our babies have been taken from us.
I have 2 other children and grandchildren who want me to go to a family meal on Christmas eve, I’ve said I’ll go just to keep the peace but inside I’m screaming and praying the weather will be so bad I can’t go. I want to stay at home with my boy, I dont feel any desire to be with people. Him leaving me has altered everything about me. My heart is broken, I miss him so very much. I cry every day. Memories are always floating in my thoughts.
We are all navigating differently but the pain never goes away. The longing to be with our babies once more. The dark thoughts that enter our heads.
I hope you all “enjoy” your trips planned and find peace eventually. For me, my peace is here at home where my boy is.
Sending love xx
when you say everything about you has altered I understand that. I look different, feel different behave different my personality has changed. The person I was died with my daughter Lauren.
Absolutely, the person looking back in the mirror isnt me anymore. Ive aged so much, I find i dont have patience with people. If someone asks if I’m ok I’m honest and say no because im not ok. I barely sleep, my energy levels have gone, my eating habits have changed. Its a strange world now one I’d rather not be in.
These dark thoughts are thoughts I’ve never had before, I wouldn’t action them but nevertheless they are there at times.
My episodes as I call them can pop up anytime or anywhere. Xx
I feel exactly the same x
I have dark thoughts too, the only thing keeping me going is the thought of what it would do to my daughter. I could never put her through that she’s devastated by the loss of her brother x
Ali76 the only thing stopping me is if I did action them my boy would be stood with his arms crossed angry with me, when I see him again I want his arms open wide with a smile xx
I ask my boy every night to please be waiting for me when I pass. He is the first person I want to see . And I am like you …… I want to see him smiling at me with his arms open wide for a hug
Good evening ladies, how are you all?
It will be 52 weeks on 18th December and 7 days later xmas day, im beginning to get panic attacks and episodes of continuous crying. My son’s favourite day was Xmas day with his children. I really am dreading it.
I still sit and the reality hasn’t hit home, I can’t believe he has gone.
He wouldn’t like me like this but I just cant stop thinking, remembering and crying. I feel like screaming out loud.
I know you ladies understand, I just feel such a mess, I long to hear his voice and see him smile. I miss him so so much. I long to be with him.
Life is so very cruel 
I’m afraid I have no wise words of advice or but just wanted to say that I hear you and honestly, I could’ve written that myself as I’m feeling very much like you. My daughter absolutely loved Christmas and I’m finding it difficult even seeing an advert on tv.
It must be awful having two such big occasions within a short space of time of each other, it’s no wonder you’re experiencing the emotional and physical effects that you are.
I’ll be glad when Christmas is over but saying that, it’s not like life will be good again as they will be always be missing and there will just be another occasion or anniversary or reminder to get through. I hate this life now.
We’re not living, just existing. If anyone else says time’s a great healer I’d punch them, as every day passes I feel worse, I miss my boy more each day. I know each day is a day closer to being with him again and we shouldn’t wish our time away but I admit I do, every day, longing to not wake up here but be with my son once more. 
Whilst I don’t think I will ever be ‘me’ again, how can I be? That’s an impossibility. I do try to keep positive for my other 3 children and husband. I wish, oh my, how I wish, that I knew where my daughter was, I hope that she’s not alone or scared. Part of me wishes I believed in God, I would have a hope then. However, if God is present, why would he take my innocent, beautiful Hol from us? Why would he make her suffer when all she brought was happiness?
So for now, I just keep going, not for me but for my family