Good evening … this is my first post and I’m doing so as I lost my partner in February this year . Christine was the kindest loveliest lady who had a doubly long transplant 2 years ago and was left immuno suppressed , caught an infection and died suddenly after 6 weeks in intensive care . It was very unexpected as she seemed to be improving . We had been together 7 years , 6 of which I had become her carer as well as a soulmate . I got every bit as much from Christine as she from me and loved her dearly . We were due to be married in June this year which makes it all the harder . I’m doing ok but experiencing some real wobbly moments where I meltdown to be honest . I know others are worse off than me but I am so hurting . Brian
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Sorry to hear about your loss, it’s devastating 
This site is really good for support.
Be kind to yourself xx
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So sorry you have lost your soulmate and future wife. You will have wobbly times understandably. Take care and I find this site helpful to know how others are feeling even though the circumstances may differ for each of us.
I’m so sorry you are joining us on here but hopefully it will give you some comfort that you are not alone and that here we really do get your pain.
It’s early days yet and you need to be kind to yourself and look after yourself.
We all find it helpful to be open and honest when we just need a friend to listen.
So sorry for your loss, your situation is very similar to mine but we are all connected through our grief, if you feel you need to talk message me i could do with a release as well.
Hi Brian.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Please don’t think anyone is worse off than you. We are all here for the same reason. We are lost and hurting terribly .
Our circumstances are all different but the devastation is the same.
Sending big hugs
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Andy70
That is kind to offer individual support.
Thank you everyone who has taken the time to message me … I think my biggest issue is I feel for a little while I’m doing ok then bang a wave of absolute hopelessness hits me . I try to accept that it passes but it’s not always easy . I have a grave for Christine (and me) however I have just this week brought her ashes home . I think I’m happy with her here but please don’t laugh as I go up to the grave every day to sit and contemplate even though she’s not there ! I have a headstone coming and don’t want to even consider putting her to rest there until it’s in place . I’m even contemplating keeping her ashes until I die and we going together . No one can prepare for this loss . There’s no training . It’s very much on the job unfortunately. Brian
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Thanks Andy . Not sure how to message etc . Brian
Morning Brian.
Unfortunately this is what this grief journey is like. Constantly up and down, waves of desperation just as you think you maybe beginning to cope.
I too lost my husband in February so we’re on a similar timeline.
Please don’t think anyone would laugh at the way you’re handling things. We all have to do what we feel is right to get through.
I write to Roger every night, telling him about my day and how much I’m missing him, usually accompanied by a lot of tears.
If you want to keep Christine’s ashes so you can be buried together thats fine, nothing wrong in that.
Roger said he wants to be scattered but he didn’t say where. Or if he did I wasn’t listening. I’ve still got him at home until I can decide what to do, but I am thinking of heeping some to go with me.
You’re right, we have to take every day as it comes. Embrace the good ones and accept the bad.
Take care Brian
Sending hugs
Liz x
Thank you very much for sharing your experience and your very personal thoughts . It’s good to actually hear from someone at the very same stage as I am . Yes I too speak out loud to Christine and genuinely have felt her presence though not so much recently . I know there’s no right or wrong way to grieve and I should have no expectation of anyone else … however … I feel Christine’s brother and sister have buried their heads in the sand and don’t actually ask how I am . She also has 2 sons who have disabilities but are capable and they are only bothered about how much money they will get . From a familial perspective I’m very much alone . I have 3 kids who all have demanding careers and do the basics with me . Because Christine and I did everything together the chasm to try and fill is enormous . I also can’t face the thought of going to places that were very important to us … Yorkshire and Northumberland and the beach near Glasgow where we lived . I was 31 years in the CID and I feel everyone expects me to be able to deal with anything no matter what . This is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced …. I don’t like it … Brian
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Thanks Andy . I’m slowly getting to grips with this process and think I managed a bit of an update. I’m technologically inept . I know all about needing to release things and hopefully that’s what can be done here …. Brian
Sorry for your loss Brian , my wife passed 10 weeks ago so I feel your pain .
I also have her ashes at home , we were going to get a place for her in the memorial garden at the crematorium, but she said her favourite place on earth was being at home with me and the kids though , so have decided to keep her here and have told the kids when I go to just get a bigger Ern and put us in together.
We have got a memorial bench for the garden and have a plaque coming , will maybe scatter a small part of her ashes there so we can go and sit with her whenever we want .
Hi dino …. Goodness me it’s frustrating to think what to do for the best . I have a grave for Christine and even though she’s not in it it’s a lovely spot and I go and sit and reflect there every day . I will go in there eventually as well . I won’t make a decision about putting her there until her stone comes so I’m still a few months away from that . I also have a memorial bench coming in our local park where I head with the dog daily …I guess my big struggle is trying to plan on doing things myself which I don’t seem able to do at the minute … B
Hi Brian so sorry that your wife died. It’s so hard without them. It is just over two years for me and although friends and family think I am doing better I just can’t seem to move forward. Not yet anyway. I feel very lonely and alone. Having to make decisions about everything that was once shared is daunting. One of the things I miss is not being the most important person to anyone now. Me and my husband meant everything to each other and I miss that. I wish I could provide some useful advice but I could do with some myself. Take care.
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Looby loo : …. Very difficult all round . I guess my only advice and what helps me is getting outside . A walk … sit in the garden or park … go for cofee . Just simple things though even that is tinged with sad memories .
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Oh this awful journey wr are all on. The heartbreak, the pain, the loss, the missing, the loneliness, the list goes on and on. How to make decisions, how to fill your days. Go out, stay in? It’s awful and seems so unreal.
I am supposed to be going to a wedding tomorrow and have been ok about it, but I think it hit me today, I shall be on my own. Sure I’ll know plenty of people, so I wont be on my own, but Roger won’t be there. We should be going together. I don’t know what to do now. Go and try and enjoy it, or stay and give in to my grief.
It’s been 12 weeks now, and I did think maybe it would get easier, but if anything it’s getting harder. I miss him so much
Big hugs to everyone
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The wedding I went to yesterday was very low key and casual, only 12 of us at the registry office. We were late and the groom was even later, it didn’t matter, so laid back. But I did still get a lump in my throat and had to bite my cheek to stop myself crying when they said their vows, selfishly thinking it could have been me and Steve.
If it hadn’t been so chaotic I don’t think i could have coped.
Good luck with your decision, @Liro x
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Thankyou @SadGirlfriend .
This will be a big wedding, 14 bridesmaids and some pageboys!! A bit over the top I feel. It will be chaotic there’s so many children but it should be laid back. I hope.
I will.make a decision tomorrow.
It might to me good. I just dont want to get upset and show myself up.
Take care x
Yes I get exactly how you have been thinking it all through. I have spent a long time trying to decide. I have a bench by his grave and a headstone in place now and a matching stone memorial vase with his photo on it and words reflecting how we feel. The local park where he worked voluntarily has a plaque with a photo of him riding the tractor on the pavillion and two new notices renaming it with his name instead in recognition of his sacrifice. He hurt his foot there cutting down a bush and he stepped on a poisonous thorn which never healed. He had type two diabetes and had his foot cut off the week before he died ten years later of a heart attack at 76 just before we would have had our golden wedding anniversary. That was 18 months ago.
I am trying to keep our garden going like he did but am struggling this year.
I put a photo on line as this was automatically generated from putting an advert in the newspaper when he died.
This will stay there. His car has gone now and all the neighbours thought it was their business to make judgements about it which I wasn’t happy about. We did things to out timescale not there reasoning. I have only given away one coat of his. I wish I could have had the ashes of his amputated half leg but not given the option. It was just chucked.
I wish I had thought of keeping the recording of his last call but I didn’t and could kick myself. I am glad I wrote things down.
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