My thoughts. Just not nice.

My husband was a kind, quiet man, he asked for little attention and liked by everybody. We kept ourselves fit and active and he had many hobbies. Gardening on his allotment, Painting, Photography, A musician. So much to live for.
Now however, I find myself looking at people in the street or the overloaded trolley’s in the supermarket full of unhealthy food and wondering why was it my husband that was chosen to go. He was never overweight, never smoked. So when I see overweight people, puffing away why do I feel it’s so unfair. I feel robbed. Why was my husband taken. My husband helped many people yet they are all alive and he’s gone. Don’t get me wrong I don’t wish anyone to die but I am becoming obsessed with looking around and wondering why are some people still walking the streets and my fit, lovely husband gone. I am not proud of myself, I don’t like the person I am becoming. I don’t like me at all and to be honest I am thoroughly ashamed of myself.


Don’t be ashamed of.yourself. I feel the same way about what happened to my partner
He was a decent, honest person with a great sense of fairness. He just wanted to live a simple life and rarely asked for anything.
Like you I look at all those who take no care of themselves, who hurt others or are
cruel and unkind and think how unjust
it is.
After a lifetime of work we’ve both lost our longed for retirement.
I feel so bitter now and have never felt felt like this before in my life. That’s how I feel and I don’t mind admitting it.

Hi Pattidot,

You arent alone. I have exactly the same thoughts as you. My mum and I used to watch an american reality show called 600lb life. The people featured were all 40 to 50 stone and grotesque. They were all still living though and some of them weren’t even suffering high blood pressure. My mum was 9 stone, watched her diet and was a very active 74 year old. She suffered a major brain haemorrhage and died. Her post mortem revealed a historic heart attack. I look at all the people eating fast food, takeaways and never exercising and think why. At the moment I know of a man who hasnt got an ounce of fat on his body. He runs marathons, eats extremely healthily and he is currently on life support having collapsed this week. He is only in his early 50s. Life is unfair and it isnt right. Equally I look at really elderly people getting around and think why didnt my mum get like that?
I guess there are no answers but you are certainly not alone in thinking like this.
Cheryl x

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I see all these people who are clearly mother and daughter walking around and it just cause a great pang of sadness. I miss mine. I want mine back, but sadly that won’t happen. There are moments where I think why have they still got there Mum and I not have mine.
It’s made me realise how very precious all life is.

Agreed daffy. I just wasnt ready for mine to leave me. We had just embarked on a new life living together,enjoying life in a lovely new house, no worries for mum to deal with alone, no worries for me under the same roof as us, having fun,company when we want it, alone time when we didnt. She just upped and left without any illness, a few days of worry over a blocked artery that needed clearing and then back to our happy life. I hope there was a bloody good reason for our mums to be taken daffy because I dong know how I’m going to get through the rest of my life without her. I am grateful to have had her for 48 years though as i see many posts from people in their 20s and 30s who have lost both parents. I just cant help feeling bitter and angry and like pattidot I hardly recognise myself some days x

I just can’t imagine my life without my Mum. My anger will come. There were failures, but complaining will not bring her back. I should have fought her corner in her last few hours, but who expected it to be the end. I thought I be spending the following day with her in the hospital and that she’d eventually come home. She thought the same. I have to believe that one day I’ll see my Mum again. I will never have a relationship, which will ever come close to that of my Mum. I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship quite the same, but who knows. So many tears today. The end is too final.


The days after the funeral are really hard. People say it will bring closure. I had a complete breakdown the day after mums which led to 3 months off work.
You won’t have another relationship like the one with your mum. I have a partner and daughter and nothing compared to what I had with my mum.
We just have to learn to live without them and that where we are struggling.

‘Thank you for the days’ by kirsty MacColl came on the radio earlier. I completely lost it. The lyrics are so painful at the present moment. I have a partner and I am so grateful for him but for 50 plus years it’s been me and Mum. I had hardly any tears yesterday, today it’s been floods.
It;s going to take time. …

You’re good even listening to the radio daffy. I havent listened to it in 5 months.
LBC is what I can handle.

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Hi All, thanks for replying. I thought I was going mad. What has happened to me to have such unpleasant thoughts, but it’s becoming an obsession now. Looking around me and wondering why!!!. This morning I saw a local man. He has had so many health problems in the thirty years I have known him. My husband and I always felt so sorry for him. My healthy fit husband has gone and this man is struggling to walk a few feet at a time. This is the thoughts that I hate having. My husband went out of his way to help people in need and last week I saw one of them sat on a bench, this man is 97 we sat talking and he said to me. “How I miss that man” meaning my Brian. You and me both, I answered.
I had similar thoughts when my dad died suddenly in his forties, again a healthy, fit, sportsman. Why do I worry if I fancy a cream cake or a bag of chips???

I’m ashamed to say that I have uncharitable thoughts too. My in-laws are always arguing with each other. I nearly shouted at them the other day saying “my dad would give anything to have his wife back, just stop the bloody arguing”. But i kept quiet and fumed

I’ve just told members of my family off for being continually on their phones and not talking to each other. They go out for a meal and have their heads down concentrating on phones and never speak. I have also told friends to appreciate each other and even if they argue, stop and tell each other how much you love them.

I suppose I’m old fashioned and hate all this texting. Can’t understand what they are saying anyway. My grandson and family have been wonderful but sometimes they all turn up and even the two young kids are on their phones. Texting, watching films, searching the internet etc. I might put a notice on my front door saying NO PHONES. and they can leave them on the doorstep, we might get a sensible conversation then.

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…you are not alone in your thoughts, no we would not wish death on anyone but just like you, i am so so envious of elderly couples in their 60’s and 70’s who are active and agile and out and about as a couple should be after years of a working life enjoying their retirement years together, as I keep asking our God, why were me and Richard robbed of this…


I never wish ill on anyone else but that being said I have had the greater tendency these days to notice people around me whether on TV or in the street. I sometimes see others and think, why are you still here and my mum isn’t. I sometimes wonder how old certain people are and then I start analysing them and their health and comparing. I sometimes think, hmm, that person is 90 and they are ok, my mum could have been around for another whoping 17 years! Why did this happen to me? Did mum get the life she deserved?
I have to remind myself and I’m all too aware now that when looking around in the street, it’s impossible to know what is going on in their world. There must be a lost of grief that isn’t visible and a lot of people you pass must have either suffered or are suffering in some way. Therefore it’s not just us with this awful bad luck, everyone has it or will have it at some point. Is that a comfort? In some warped way, it might be. Most of the time I’m too busy wondering where my mum is now and struggling with the concept of nothing and forever. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand life.

I think we have all looked at others and thought why are they still around and my lovely husband isn’t especially if they were relatively young like he was. And then I look again and think how lucky we were to have each other for so long - what fun and laughter we had - and I look at the long faces of some of them and think well they may be living a long life but to me it does not look like a happy one. And I would not trade one minute of my forty happy years for one of theirs. I know how lucky I was - and as I have posted before I think we all have an allotted amount of happiness - and we used all of ours up. Like Shaun says - we do not know how many are grieving around us, how unhappy that person next to us is. Two weeks after I lost my husband suddenly and unexpectedly I stood in the chemist behind an elderly lady who was handing over a pile of prescription pills with the words I lost my husband ten days ago and I have brought these back. To look at her you could not tell - just as she turned and looked at me she would not have known of the sad fact that bound us together. I did not know her so I did not speak - I don’t think I was strong enough to at the time either - but I wish I had. One of the things I used to say to my children when recounted a situation they were upset about was - Life is not fair - it is just like that ! And its true - Life is not fair !

Life is unfair. My mum was the baby sister of her family yet she died first. And I felt so annoyed at that. But then I looked at her sisters lives who are still here and living. and they have had tragedy in their own lives. My Aunty lost her daughter to a brain bleed at the age of 14. And my other Aunty lost her husband when she was in her 30’s and she had two small children.

Life is so unfair at times. Grief touches us all at some point.

My mum was the youngest of 6 joules. They cant believe they lost their ‘baby’ sister. They are all in their mid to late 80s and going strong. It’s very unfair.

Hi. C1971.
Closure?? What nonsense people do talk. So you have the funeral then back to normal. Were it so easy. They have no idea have they. When I look back I realise that none of us expect it to happen. It’s such an awful thought we tend to push it away. Then when it does happen we go into shock. It’s the only way to describe it. Shock and trauma. The fact that it’s normal and to be expected does little to console us. The first few months can be the worse. Or with some, as I found, the beginning of mourning was not so bad. It was after a few moths it hit me. Cry!! I still do now and then, but I know my wife would have wanted me to be happy not miserable. It helps a bit knowing that.
Take care and Blessings. John.