My wife passed away 12 weeks ago. It was only a matter of 5 weeks from diagnosis till the end. It has been a very hard time for me and I’m really struggling to cope with it all. The pain is with always, It is really hard nowadays after returning to work I find coming home after a hard day at work to an empty house the hardest to deal with now. My life now is just loneliness and isolation.
Hello Marty,
What a terrible time for you, such a short time since you lost your lovely wife. It must be so hard coming home from work. You’re right the isolation and loneliness are the hardest thing to deal with. I lost my partner 4 months ago and I feel the same, I’m retired and it’s a long and lonely day - nobody to chat to, share a piece of news with or go out with.
I wish you well and hope life gets a little easier for you, J x
Hello, Marty. I’m sorry to read about the loss of your wife, and know exactly how you must be feeling. The loneliness is probably the hardest thing to deal with. You don’t say which age group you are in or whether you have family. My husband died a year ago and for the first few months I went around in a total fog. Then it hit me that he wasn’t coming back and that was worse. We had been married for 66 years so you can imagine how I feel.
The only advice I can offer is to do only what suits you, and ignore people who tell you that time heals. It doesn’t although it may become more bearable. I hope so for all our sakes. Keep posting on here if you want to as we are all in the same rocky boat, and can express ourselves without fear of upsetting or irritating friends and family. Sadly, that does happen.
Eileen
Sorry to hear of your loss also. I feel there is pain no matter what I do, but I am lucky to be able to work as the social interaction at works helps me get through those 8 hours, I’m sorry you don’t have that. The isolation for me gets worse at the weekend as you have eluded to there is nobody to chat too, I have tried going out for walks or to the local pub but it’s just the same as I don’t know anybody and feel awkward just standing around by my self. I eventually come home and end up crying. I like you miss the conversations we used to have when I got home from work, chatting through the evening and going out together at weekends. Last weekend I eventually pluck up the courage and went for a walk into Broadstairs and ended up walking all along the cliffs to Ramsgate, but all the while I missed her by my side and holding her hand.
I hope life gets much easier for you also. Marty X
Sorry I didn’t see anywhere to select an age group, I’m in my late 50’s.
All my own family live up North, all I have local to me are my wives family, which I see few and far between, I am so sorry to hear of you loss after such a long time together. Thank you so much for the advice and I hope it becomes more bearable as you say, I am scared to talk about my feeling around her family in case I upset them, but I can’t keep bottling it up as it’s driving me mad and i’m having trouble sleeping which isn’t good as I am still working on week days.
Martin
Hello Marty there are no words I’m afraid to make things easier in this situation,I can only say I understand how it feels,I lost my lovely husband 13 weeks ago it was very sudden,he was 59,and I am 55,we had been married for 35years,and yes the loneliness and isolation weighs heavy on you.Be kind to yourself and don’t always feel you have to put a brave face on,bottling up emotion is very hard to do and drains you,I know,we live with the pain of the grief each day but we can ease the suffering by being kind to yourself,I try to make sure I get enough rest and eat enough,and I’ve stopped pretending I’m ok when I’m not.Take care x
Hello Marty,
My heart goes out to you……….
Its still very early days for you, and you must feel absolutely raw.
For me, Its now 7 months since I lost my dear husband, I miss him so much, this is the most difficult time of my life.
Keeping busy has helps me to cope with the loneliness.
I’m just wondering if you have considered counselling? I know it isn’t for everyone, but I found it very helpful. Its someone to talk to; to explain how you are feeling, someone who actually listens to what you have to say and doesn’t judge you. It gets it out in the open, its not good to keep bottling your feelings up.
I also keep a journal, which I’ve found helps me. Its a way of getting my feelings out of my head & heart and onto paper, again, its not for everyone, but it helps me.
I wish I some magic formula to take away the heartbreak you are feeling, and everyone else on this online community, but I don’t.
I can only let you know that I’m thinking about you, I know how you are feeling.
Big hug from
Elaine
Thank you for your reply Marty,
Well done you for getting out for a walk, it’s so hard to do these things on your own.
We’ve always walked miles with the dog and I find a little comfort from some of our favourite walks but others I can’t bear to do. I talk to the dog but like you I come
home and cry a lot.
I’m the same if I go into a cafe I just feel awkward on my own, have my drink and go.
Some of my friends have always lived alone but I suppose they chose that and they’re used to it. It’s not something I’ve ever wanted.
I went on one of these group walks run by the council the other day, everyone was very friendly and a lot of people were on their own.
Like you I’m used to being with that special someone and it’s really hard not to have him there. I always thought he would be.
I hope this weekend is better for you , keep trying , J x
Hi Marty,
So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my husband of 34 yrs almost 16 weeks ago.
It is very hard to deal with it all and I get days when I feel so down, the pain never goes away no matter what we try to do.
There doesn’t seem to be any pleasure in doing anything any more. I was my husband’s sole carer for 6 months before he passed away which was unexpectedly.
Such a short time after diagnosis for your wife.
My heart goes out to you.
Like most of us, loneliness, emptiness and despair are awful.
I’m retired and having just my sons nearby, they are always busy with their own lives. My sister lives quite a distance away, I haven’t seen her in 6 weeks, she’s too busy as well most of the time.
Look after yourself Marty.
Thank you for your kind words and I’m so sorry to hear of your recent loss also. I also would like to thank you for your honesty in the feeling you have been and are still going through, I feel much the same way, hearing from somebody that is going through the same turmoil as myself is of some comfort as I thought it was only me and I was doing something wrong as people keep telling me take one day at a time and and it will get easier. Jo was my second marriage and we had been together for 15 years and married 8 weeks short of 11 years when she passed away. She has 3 sisters that live locally, her daughter and two of her 4 grandsons live locally as well but as you remarked, they are busy with there own lives. I have 2 sons and a daughter from my first marriage and 7 grand children but they all live over 300 miles away in the North, so I’ve pretty much become a loner. My mind is kept occupied at at work all day which is a good thing but then all the negative emotions kind of slap me in the face as I walk into an empty house.
Thank you again for taking the time to write to me and letting me know other people are going through exactly the same things I am.
Look after yourself and take care X
Hi Marty and thank you.
I thought these awful feelings were unique to myself as well, when I say ‘ unique’, I imagine people get various feelings but basically the same.
Today I have anxious feelings and thoughts( i suffered with anxiety before losing my husband ).
I also find that I get extremely tired, they say grief exhausts.
They do say one day at a time but ‘ time’ I find it varies from person to person.
I would imagine it’s a good thing that work keeps your mind occupied, I’m finding it difficult to try not thinking of the images that come to mind.
I do get people visiting more now than before but I get so tired as I’m not used to so many calling, they all seem to come at once then days of not seeing anyone.
My heart goes out to you on your loss Marty.
They say we move on but we never forget.
My home doesn’t feel like home any longer, there’s a big part of it missing and a big part of me too.
The loneliness and emptiness are the worst, I find mornings and early afternoons to be really dificult times and this time of year with the long daylight hours.
I am a recovering agoraphobic which means I spend more time than the ‘ normal’ person at home and this is very difficult, I do receive therapy but recovery is a very slow process.
Look after yourself, take care X
Hello Robina, thank you very much for you message. Sorry about your loss also, these are about the only words I can express, as you say there are no word really. Today is 13 weeks exactly so my head is is all over the place, Jo passed suddenly also (5 weeks from diagnosis till the end) She was 67 and I am 57, we had only known each other for 15 years and the 19th May would have been our 11 year of marriage. I do put a brave face on for other people but find I suffer because of it once i’m alone, I will try your advice on pretending I’m okay. I don’t eat regularly enough but I’m trying to do better, I do try to get out of the house at the weekends as I have trouble being alone for extended periods of time, I walk into Broadstairs or Ramsgate. I thought I would try going out to socialise this evening, so walked to the pub nearest to where I live had one drink and had to come back home.
Take care of yourself as well X X
Hi Elaine, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post. I just needed to get it off my chest, it helped but only for a little while. Sorry to hear about the loss of your dear husband.
I work during the week so that keeps me busy, but once I’ve showered and changed and made something to eat the isolation and loneliness hit me, but it’s only a couple of hours then I got to bed.
I have had a few counselling sessions at the Pilgrims Hospice, it does help for a little while, on the last session she taught me self meditation as I have not been sleeping properly, so at least now I can rest and relax my body while I lay in bed awake.
I find the weekend the hardest as it’s just me all day so I’ve decided to try and get out of the house by going for walks, last weekend I walked down into Broadstairs and then along the clifftops to Ramsgate and then back home by a different route.
Tonight I have even tried to socialise, I walked to the closest pub to where I live but only managed 1 drink and was back home within an hour, although there were quite a few people there I didn’t know anyone so I felt alone in a crowded place.
I also wish there was a magic potion to fix all the heartache.
Thanks for your lovely post and virtual hug, my heart goes out to you too and I will be thinking of you also.
Big Hugs back to you.
Martin X
GwraigRich,
I have found myself feeling exhausted all the time and not sleeping properly adds to the problem, I went to a counselling session an was show how to a for of meditation to help when I’m laid awake at night, I doesn’t always work but on the few occasions it has, I have found my body is resting and relaxing even though I’m not asleep and eventually I drop back off.
I believe I will eventually move on, but I know I will never forget, as we shared so many lovely times and had loads of fun and mischief together.
Yes the long days now do seem to add to the problem. I hope your anxiety doesn’t cause you to many problems and your recovery from agoraphobia continues to a successful conclusion.
Take care of yourself and stay strong and positive X X
Hello Marty,
Just read your lovely reply to my message and decided to drop you a quick line to let you know I’m thinking about you and hoping you are getting through the weekend okay?
I think the weekends are a lot more difficult, everyone seems so busy and the isolation is extra hard.
Last weekend I was home and I noticed some my neighbours sitting in their garden in the evening enjoying each others company and a glass of wine. That would have been how we would have ended a Saturday night at home on a summers night. Although the garden looks beautiful and the weather gorgeous, it just feels lonely and empty without William by my side.
I think your long walks and even trying a drink at the local pub are so positive and amazing………… Elaine
Hello Elaine,
Lovely to hear from you again, and it’s nice to know you’re thinking of me.
Well to be honest this weekend has been really difficult for me, I was in a really dark place last night and didn’t get to bed till 4 am and then up and wide awake at 8 am.
I don’t really know why, thinking back it could relate to what you mentioned about being in the garden together and enjoying each others company. It’s not the same on my own and as I’m in a bungalow and the garden is not overlooked I don’t see my neighbours and hardly hear them.
Then once I’d had breakfast this morning, I opened my Fathers day cards, answered the text messages of my Kids, then I found myself bored.
So decided to try and tidy the garden up as I’ve neglected it somewhat of late. I spent all afternoon out there, a bit of gardening, sitting and watching the wildlife then more gardening. I kept looking over my shoulder to see the thing I always love looking at while being in the garden, and she wasn’t there, so back on the emotional roller coaster I went.
So I have spent the rest of the evening just sat and tried to think of the good times from the summer weekends, I’ve had a couple of drinks and now it’s time for my bed
as I have work again tomorrow.
I hope your weekend went okay? And I hope tomorrow is a good day for you, I will be thinking of you and sending positive thoughts to help you through the day.
Good night Elaine
Martin X
Hello Martin,
I was sorry to read your last message. It sounds like a dreadful week-end. It must have been very hard and exhausting.
I’ve been to those really “dark places” too, I think I know how you felt. The problem I’ve found is that once you become sleep-deprived, everything seems even more difficult. I visited my GP and he gave me a very mild sleeping tablet, I only use one if I’m absolutely desperate, it does help.
I’m learning that grief can’t be managed, it comes on you when you least expect it. As you say, its like a roller coaster of emotions which you can’t control.
Take care.
Sending you very best wishes for a much better few days ahead………
Elaine x
Hello Marty
Just wanted to let you know you are not on your own with those dark days we get,I have had that feeling today just cannot lift my mood,some days are damn hard aren’t they,lost my hubby suddenly in March,he was59,and I am 55,like you I find some days thoughts prey on the mind and can bring you right down,I know not much help but that’s grief I suppose,I hope for a better day tomorrow for us all on here.
Take care x
Elaine, I’m sorry I don’t mean to bring back bad memories for you, I just wrote my feelings at the time, if that upsets you and brings back feelings you have managed to overcome I’m truly sorry.
I have spent most of my adult life in the Army, 38 years in total and I have dealt with death and loss, but these feelings are different. During this time I have always avoided drugs in any shape or form as they can dull the senses, which could lead to mistakes being made at the wrong time.
I am scared of becoming dependent on drugs to get me through this, so I revert to my old Army logic, which I now know is not relevant in civilian life.
Once again I must thank you for your words of wisdom and encouragement as I make my way through this minefield.
I am hoping for a better week ahead and knowing you wish this for me makes me believe that it may be possible.
I wish you the best for the week ahead and more than anything I truly hope you have a wonderful future ahead of you.
Our conversations have helped me over the past few days and for that I will be forever in you debt.
Look after yourself, think positive and know that somewhere, somebody will always have your best interests at heart.
Sending you my love (I hope this does not offend you) and best wishes for the days, months and years ahead of you.
Martin X X
Thank you Martin, that is so sweet of you ~ all the very best wishes to you too.
Its been a pleasure chatting to you too and I hope we both find ourselves in a happier place in the future.
Kindest regards
Elaine x