Hello everyone, not sure why I’m doing this or if anyone reads it but I’m not coping well. I know I lost my beautiful wife only 4 days ago but the grief is overwhelming. I just want to be with her and everything in the house just reminds me of her. Im off work for 2 weeks now and I can’t bare the thought of sat here without her. I have family and friends who keep coming and messaging but of course we end up talking about her and I break down. Her name was Gill and can honestly say she was the love of my life. She was diagnosed in April with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and ive been looking after her ever since. I feel guilty that I didn’t do enough or told her enough times how much I loved her but I know I did. I just want a sign off her to let me know she is ok and she knew how much I loved her and I couldn’t have done anymore. Im hurting so much and don’t know what to do.
Thinking of you,we all know how hard it is. Take great care of yourself.
Thankyou I will try
I am so sorry for your loss . It’s never easy losing anyone at any time. This time of the year it seems much worse.
Take Care
Thank you for saying it is much appreciated
@EddieN
I am so sorry for your loss of Gill. We all know how you feel. It is hugely early for you Eddie in all this, and it is natural to feel how you do at the moment. Sadly like most of us you are going to feel like this for a long time. We all beat ourselves up for an imaginary “more” that we could have done. But really we are all human and we were undoubtedly doing our best and our loved ones knew that. I am sure Gill will have felt that.
The next few weeks are likely just to be a blur for you. Breaking down is normal and necessary. Basically if you are managing to get out of bed, shower, eat and drink a bit then you are doing well. Be gentle with yourself, congratulate yourself for doing those basics as little by little those are the things that will help stabilize you. Many people (certainly I do this) talk out loud to our lost loved ones and this seems quite normal (it might not before you have lost someone). I have always found it helps and I greet my husband every morning when I get my breakfast and talk to pictures I have on the walls at other times when I need to. You will manage imaginary dialogue with Gill and it can help. Some people write things down in a journal like writing letters to their partners. Find something to do that helps you feel close to Gill. There’s a sort of very difficult balance to find between the awful pain of being reminded, and being comforted by those memories. You’ll drift between those states.
@EddieN firstly i’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife, Gill. It is incredibly raw for you. The only thing i can say is please be kind to yourself, its devastating what you are going through. Remember it is ok to feel all these feelings such as sadness, anger, numbness. I found it very difficult to cope in early stages when my Grandad passed suddenly and i kept breaking down. I am sending you and your family my thoughts an love x
So very sorry for your loss , everyone on here understands the anguish and longing to hold their person again. You are still probably in a state of shock as she died only 4 days ago. Let family or friends help you as much as possible. I’m three months down the line after my partner’s sudden death and my thinking is muddled and I m so anxious everyday. Thinking of you.
Hi Eddie
I too lost my dear husband Ray to Stage 4 Pancreatic cancer only 9 weeks ago. He was diagnosed 8 weeks before he passed away. He had his 60th birthday in hospital, only 12 days before he went and he was so ill, so I always think he was 59. Ray was the most amazing person in the world, kind loving and we were a great team.I’m sure your Gill was the very same. I’m lost without him and dreading this Christmas without him by my side. Just take it easy, talk and talk about Gill with your friends and family as that’s what you need right now. And as others have said, talk to Gill. Take good care, these days are really not easy. Keep posting on here as there’s always someone to talk to, we all know the grief and pain when we lose our special person.
I was the same with Ray, the suffering he endured from that dreadful cancer made me continually ask myself did I do enough. Watching someone you love so much suffering is the worst thing in the world, but I like to think he knew I loved him and did everything in my power to care for him. Unfortunately he never got to come home, which saddens me. Take care
Thank you so much Sadie for such lovely and thoughtful words. Im talking to her all the time, I even text her and then answer my texts from her phone. I know that probably sounds so weird but it makes me feel like she’s still here. Your words have really helped.
Peg2 bless you and thank you. I didn’t think it would help as much talking to other people that have gone through the same thing. I thought I was on my own, again thank you and sorry for your grief
Thank you Norma1 for taking the time to message. Your words and others are helping me in this moment. Every emotion keeps coming in waves, so so hard
Bless you Katie and thank you. It helps me more than I realised words of kindness from, really, total strangers
I do apologise I spelt your name wrong Sarie on my reply. My eyesight suffering too I think
EddiNisbett,
You are very early in your grief. You will be all over the place at the moment. You have to look after yourself. The basics which can feel hard, eat, sleep, drink water if you are crying a lot you will be dehydrated. I know they are hard. It sounds like you have a good support please use it. I’m 47 weeks on this crap path,believe me I wonder how I have got this far. Just don’t ask me about this year, I can’t remember. This is your journey, do what is right for you, don’t be bullied into how you should feel. Every one is different. Keep posting on here it helps and I’m afraid we understand. Look after yourself and take care.
My heart breaks for you. I lost my husband four weeks ago, and I completely understand how you are feeling. In our case, my husband died beside me in his sleep - he wasn’t ill and there was no warning. He was only 63. I never had a chance to say goodbye or tell him I love him one last time. The pain is unbelievable and I know no-one can even begin to imagine what it’s like. I’ve felt calmer since I started talking out loud to him, letting know what he meant to me and how much I love him. Telling him not to worry about me because eventually I will be ok. I’ve gathered photographs and bits and pieces that mean something and have them on a glass table in my sitting room. But for the first week all I could do was either cry or sit feeling numb. Couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t talk about anything else. I was freezing cold and shaky. I’m off work sick now. What you are feeling is normal - if you loved deeply, you will grieve deeply. I feel blessed that I had 10 beautiful years with the man I will love for the rest of my life. Please give yourself time and space, and take care of yourself xx
@EddieN
I am so sorry to read about your loss. There is never a right time of year to lose someone precious but just before Christmas seems particularly cruel. I lost my wife on the 12th December last year after 48 years of marriage and I can’t see Christmas ever being the same again.
There is a well worn phrase used on this forum to take each day at a time. I would refine that to taking each hour at a time because my mood can change in an instant.
I’ve spent a lot of time this last year trying to work out the meaning of life and have come to a few conclusions. The first was that I am so grateful for the time I had with my wife and even now in my grief for her loss I would not want to change anything and to have lived my life without her.
Another conclusion I’ve come to, and I suppose it’s a question of faith, is that our loved ones stay with us in spirit, you just have to be aware of the signs. I know you said that you want a sign from her to let you know she’s OK but perhaps she’s looking for a sign from you that you are going to be OK?
I’ve been reading books on Near Death Experiences and a book about Angels, they all helped to calm my anxiety and can recommend them.
Do I still have bad days? Yes, of course but talking to her and looking for signs helps. The signs will be subtle and vary from person to person but one I get sometimes is her favourite scent when I go to bed. It’s very fleeting and vanishes in seconds but it’s intense and unmistakable and usually there after I’ve had a bad day. Could be imagination, maybe, but it usually occurs when I’m not thinking about it and it lifts my spirits.
It’s early days so take it hour by hour and above all look after yourself. Show her you are going to be OK.
Hello Eddie, My name is Peter Mac and I’m sorry that you lost your wonderful wife Gill. I know things are going to be hard, but I will try to touch base with you every couple days or so. My wife passed away 11 months ago from acute pancreatitis.
Thank you for your kind words. Your right about been all over the place and yes it seems I start my day crying and then many times therafter. The worst is when someone is here, I can feel I want to break down but then wait till I’m on my own again. I can’t stand the pain of it all.