I definitly felt the weight of his hug around me ..when i mentioned it to my daughter she said she felt his presence afew months earlier after a bad day ..we both havent told anyone because people dont get it .
Goodnight .hope you manage to sleep x
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Lonely 9
I believe in signs and have one or two experiences since my partner died.
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Bless you Yvette, so sorry for the loss of your husband. It’s so difficult to deal with and you will have had anticipatory grief before he passed, and isn’t the reality just unbearable. Like you, my husband had a terminal pancreatic cancer diagnosis and passed away after almost 8 weeks. He never got to come home from hospital. Everything happened so fast. It’s like he just walked out of the house and never returned and the shock of it floored me. He couldn’t discuss his diagnosis but I kept telling him how much I loved him. I’m almost 4 months down the line now and I just miss him so much. As someone said here, I’m one half of a scissors, and it’s so true. Take good care of yourself, and keep reading and posting here. I talk to my Ray every day, it’s my little thing and I find it helps me stay connected with him.
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It’s nearly nine weeks since Mark died. The past few days I’ve felt so empty, no emotion, just nothing. It feels so unreal. It’s like it’s not happening to me and I feel so guilty for my lack of emotion.
Tonight, I’ve listened to the song I picked for his visual tribute at his funeral Heaven Can Wait by Meatloaf. It is a beautiful song and so emotional. It’s s the first time I’ve cried in days. I just want him to come home.
We had so many plans together. Our forever home that we never quite finished, I hope I can manage to do Mark proud and carry on our dreams for our beautiful home.
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Hi Yvette
Like you my husband Mark died of terminal cancer on 19 December 2025. He was told on 29 October that there was no treatment for a large, deep, aggressive brain tumour - a multifocal butterfly glioma. His prognosis was 3-6 months but he died 7 weeks and 1 day later. He only managed two weeks sleeping upstairs, and we had a hospital bed for the last month. The last 3-4 weeks, he wasn’t able to get up, feed himself, and needed help with all care. I slept on a camp bed next to him and cared for him, day and night. We had carers in for 30 minutes each day, the rest of the time it was just me. I watched the big strong man I loved fading away and it was heartbreaking. I didn’t want him to leave me but I know there was no other outcome
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Morning Christy thank you for your lovely message and so sorry for your loss. I had 9 months with Gill after her initial Stage 4 diagnosis. We were told we had as little as 4 weeks but she managed to hold on for 9 painful months. We managed to get her onto a trial and i think it was this that helped her remain for so long. Though the 9 months were painful we had some lovely bits too. However to wake up and find Your Scott gone is heartbreaking and just takes it to a whole new level. Im so very very sorry to read that. The house thing and belongings can be so very hard as there is just no let up. Keep posting Christy there are wonderful people on here as youve already found xx
Morning Yvette, im so pleased you have been able to message on here it really does help. To want to go with your loved one when they depart is a very normal reaction. That is all i wanted to do at the time and if it hadnt have been for family who knows. The pain as you say cannot be explained, unless you have gone through it or going through it nobody really understands. Yes your journey has many similarities. Gill bless her at the start of March 2025 was having stomach pains. We put it down to Gastritis as she ad suffered from that on and off for a few years. After a few visits to doctors we had the the camera down the throat which found nothing. We persevered with the doctors who put her on various things for Gastritis still over and over. Eventually mid April Gill checked herself into A&e. After various tests she asked me to come to the hospital. I left work and went to her ward. The curtains were closed and i could hear her gently sobbing. I walked in sat on the bed, held her and thats when i found out she had stage 4 un-operable pancreatic cancer with as little as 4 weeks. With the chemo that started a few weeks later we were able to get onto a new trial at Hull, this is what, we are adamant, kept here with me for 9 months.
So we started the weekly visits to Hull for treatment and bloods etc etc. The first few months we were able to go on very small short trips to a garden centre or a sit on a bench at the beech. Eventually though all we could manage were the trips to Hull as the pain and discomfort just increased weekly. She was always more comfy laid dow so we would go to bed at 4pm and watch tv together her hand in mine. I would awake at 2am and goto work leaving her sleeping. I would get home at 7.30 each morning, work were great, to be there when she was ready to get up. During the 9 months we had many spells in hospital. The last one been 3 weeks before she passed. It was that visit were they told us nothing more could be done and did we agree for Gill to go to St Andrews Hospice. I wouldnt allow that and so brought her home. We had nurses come once a day for pain relief and on standby to give further top ups. I refused carers because i wanted to do it. And so for nearly 3 weeks i carried her to the toilet whenever and carried her to the bath every day where i would wash and clean her. On one occasion she stood there leant against me and said ‘you must find me so unattractive’ it broke my heart. I told her i still found her as attractive as the day i met her. Eventually bathing stopped and we had a cathater fitted. This was 3 days before she passed. For 3 days i laid on the bed with her and apart from me using the bathroom i didnt move. In those 3 days she became unresponsive but one very starnge lovely thing happened. I had briefly gone to the bathroom and when i came back in she was stood up at side of bed. She had two drivers fitted and so there were tubes stretched everywhere. I went to the side of the bed where she was stood and she held her arms out, she wanted a cuddle.
Two days later she passed. Despite everything i did, the feeling of guilt after was overwhelming. Did i do enough, did i say enough. I know i did but you cant help how you feel. One mistake i made and that was i didnt cry for 9 months because i wanted to be strong for Gill and i knew despite what she was going through all she worried about was me. When she left the emotion and grief and crying was for a time unbearable.Sorry if this is a long reply xx
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If you dont mind me asking what were the experiences you have had
JAH that has litterally put a lump in my throat, so beautiful. Would give anything for this to happen. I dont understand i havnt dreamt about Gill once and im trying to
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It wasn’t a long reply, I was reading and remembered either MacMillan or his district nurse asking if I wanted help..I refused, it was not only my duty but I wanted to, I knew there was on one else on this planet that loved him how I do …I sat with him all day and all night …like you said also I get the guilt ..we are not medically trained “am I doing this right” “should this be happening” …but I know I did all I could and I did it with love …I just wish someone had told me about how bad it gets afterwards..I thought the pain I felt while looking after him was bad enough…I’d take that right now as a treat ….thank you for your reply ….im quite new to this page so struggling to navigate it a bit x
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We all seem to feel guilty even though we did everything we possibly could. I too did it all. No carers came in, I administered all the medication. Vic was diagnosed with stage 4 on January 13 2025 and passed on March 4. Seeing my big bear of a man fade away in front of me was very hard but we have to be brave for them don’t we?
Coming on this forum last April helped me so much. Until I came on here I thought all the things I were feeling were unique to me and I felt so isolated. Yesterday was 48 weeks for me and I won’t lie when I say I still have days when I cry so much I feel physically sick. But I too have days when I do not cry at all.
I send you and anyone else on here that needs it a virtual hug
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Its lovely to say hello and share our stories x
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Bless ya Heartbroken. We most definate gave it our all
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I have had one dream about my husband since he passed away . In my dream he was sat at the end of the bed cuddling me .the dream gave me a great deal of comfort. I haven’t told anyone about this dream
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EddieN
Thank you for posting your story.
You are very brave and it is helping me face the day after reading it.
The love you had for Gill will last for eternity even though she has passed. You cared for her because you loved her so much.
It is so difficult to carry on without our soulmate. We try to fill our lives with bits of joy but we know life can never be the same.
Tears come and go. They are just getting rid of some of the pain we are experiencing.
Take care and thank you again for sharing.
Take care.
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Thank you Julia, such lovely words
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Morning Everyone
I am going to bereavement cafe connected to a local church next week. I am not technically minded so don’t how to attach this to my post
I used to beg grief to go away
Now I understand
It’s the last piece of you I get to keep
It’s in the quiet moments the sudden tears
The way my heart skips when I think of your laugh
The grief is the thread that ties me to you in a world that keeps moving without you
And I’ll never let it go
This was on there website, I thought it was so appropriate
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I’ve started volunteering at a church bereavement group that has just recently started. Not only is it a way of sharing if you want to, but it’s a social chat over a cuppa. Three gentlemen in particular have started coming & chatting to each other & shared mutual interests. Personally I don’t think I’d have gone had it been around when my husband passed away, because I had the complete wrong impression of what they were about. I would encourage people, if they do have one locally, to attend when they feel able. I can visibly see how the attendees spirits are lifted & I’ve found it’s helped me too 
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I’ve twice had the physical feeling of Derek getting into bed, by that I mean feeling the mattress go down & him next to me. At that particular time I can’t move or open my eyes. It’s a very strange experience & I’m not exactly sure if it’s comforting at the time but it is afterwards, whatever was on my mind & making me anxious seems to lift. Has anyone else had that? I felt similar once before after my Dad passed, I felt he took my hand & led me somewhere, the day after when I woke I found a photograph we’d been looking for, on top of a box we’d already looked in.
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I have never been to a bereavement group before. I have been going to the church cafe the people there are so friendly and helpful . It was them who told me about the bereavement cafe and encouraged me to go . Your word has also encouraged me as well . It’s good your volunteering Thank you
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