My world has crashed

Losing a partner
24

@CliveH Hi Clive sad you’ve found your way here but as everyone is saying it’s a very good start that you have. People on here can’t make it any better, but a little less shit goes a long way. It’s 9 months for me and when i was where you are I couldn’t see a way out. I was pulled under. But you will surface and things will stabilise. There’s no map or rule book for where you are, be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Try things and if they don’t work, try something else. Brushing my teeth was a good start for me.Keep coming on here even if it’s just to read about the experiences of others. It Really helped me to realise that I wasn’t losing my mind, that what I was going through was normal.

There will be so many demands being made of you at the moment. As people are saying, take offers of help, you can always cancel or change your mind. I let people know what I needed if they asked, I found people wanted to help but didn’t know how. I also found being honest with people when they asked how I was doing was the best way to be.

You mentioned that you had to deal with the benefit people, you can do that here:

How to deal with benefits

Also you can apply for Bereavement Support Payment. As you were married it should be quite straight forward, you will probably have to produce your marriage certificate at some point as evidence of that. It comes in 2 parts, first a lump sum and secondly 18 monthly payments. It helped.

Bereavement Support Payment

Don’t panic if you can’t deal with any of this just now. It can wait. It all just seems so immediate in the early days, like I said I tried to be patient with myself, I tried do identify what needed to be done and got on with that for the day.

Again so sorry to hear of the passing of your wife, its probably the worst thing youre ever going to have to deal with, it will be painful, you will lose yourself at times, but people here can help you find your way back to you and more importantly to your wife. i thought my wife had gone forever, but now I feel as if she walks beside me. How could she not, she lives on within me.

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25

My heart goes out to you…I too lost my partner… its the hardest thing youll ever face.Im now 4 years after losing my darling man .Everyones experience is individual to them of course so Im not going to say I know how you are feeling but I can appreciate the level of shock and confusion you are experiencing…do whatever gets you through weeping ,shouting , praying and asking for help.Be good to yourself, take things slowly and dont take any notice of anyone who says to you “by now you should be doing this…” only you know whats good for you…everyones journey is different because we are all different.I wish I knew a word or a phrase that would take your and everyones pain away… talking helps , a friend or a relative or CRUSE bereavement helpline or us who text this helpline or just let your love for her help you get through the day.

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26

Thankyou so so much for your lovely words - like most couples, we had our own jobs - I have always hated using the phone and dealing with people - I’m not miserable, its social anxiety - I’ve spent the day on the phone, breaking down every time that I had to give the reason why I was calling - I tried to access the phone messages and couldnt do it, again I broke down - such a simple little thing that I never had to do before - honestly it feels like I am a 55 year old toddler learning how to do everything for the first time - Morrisons are due to deliver shortly…more panic, lol (or at least a half smile) - I’m trying to keep busy, spent the last couple of hours cleaning out the fridge - my wife is American and had some weird tastes in food - I said “is my wife” as she always will be my wife - over the last 3 days my mornings have been far worse than the evenings, I really thought it would have been the opposite? - if I could ask you for a piece of advice - how can I best help people on this site? - It feels like I’m not qualified yet to give advice being a widower for only 3 days - again, thankyou for your lovely words

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27

At this point just share your feelings I would say having only been a widow for 10 weeks. Let others help you and later you can use your experience to help others. We all have things the our partner did that we have to master. My husband did the cooking and used the dishwasher. Have mastered the dishwasher. Cooking is still ready meals in oven. Haven’t a clue how to use the microwave. Just stay on this site. Cry when you need to it is a blessed release. Xx. Sandra

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28

@CliveH
Ahh, sounds like you are keeping busy.
I couldn’t speak to the banks etc and had to ask my sisters to do everything for me, bless them. They even sold my husband’s car for me as I was too emotional to talk to anyone outside my “circle” at the time.
A couple of weeks ago I had to call Barclays as after nine months they still hadn’t closed my husbands account. I cried on the phone and the lady I spoke to was very kind. I thought I would be able to deal with this without crying but I couldn’t.
I still say we and us, I very rarely say I or me, and I still think of myself as married. I still wear my wedding ring and can’t ever picture myself not wearing it.
Your posts are helping others on this site and I hope you are getting comfort from reading other peoples posts.
Take care x

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30

@CliveH
As we all say, please take your time, it such early days for you. I lost my dear husband seven months ago and I didn’t know what to do first. My close family live abroad, so it was really down to me. I took advice and Googled sites for information. When I registered his death, the Registrar was very helpful and a lot of my questions were answered there. My bank was very helpful.
Will you have to apply for Probate? I did and used a Financial Advice company, you could use your Solicitor, mine was a lot more expensive.
I will always refer to my husband as ‘my husband’, so to say ‘my wife’ is fine.
Sending best wishes.

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31

@CliveH Just now, let us support you. Unfortunately, in time to come, you can offer wise words to people coming in behind you, as there will be quite a few.
If there’s a heaven, I have no idea how they all fit in tbh!
Keep doing what you’re doing, it’s working for you just now. Your days will change as you move forward, some will be horrific and some will be fine.
I was you 6 months ago, crying in the phone, trying to explain why I needed to change to name on the bills, it cancel accounts and start new ones, removing my partner from the car insurance, that was a hard one. You feel like you’re erasing them from your life, when that’s the last thing you want to do.
Hope Morrison’s turned up!

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32

Yes they turned up, and I managed to get through it without crying - I’ll take and little victory at the moment :smile:

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33

@CliveH
I am pleased your delivery was ok. It’s the little victories that give us a much needed lift, I managed to change the filter on my vacuum, thanks to You Tube. My husband had always done it,

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34

i am going throug the same things as you i feel just like you do,what is the point of carrying on without our loved one

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35

roma, i just wrote you a long reply then my capslock failed and crashed my laptop. if you’ll allow me i would very much like to reply to you tomorrow. but basically my friend, i’m thinking the same way but also know that my emotions right now are red raw! a few days ago my heart was bursting with love, i felt inspired to create, instead i now have a gaping chasm of pure emptiness. i wish i could say the magic words to help you, me and everyone else here, but i dont. however, just reading and replying to others is helping me. but roma, i have to agree that it seems pointless to carry on when your greatest love is no longer here. but then that may be a downward spiral that could get out of control quickly. roma, if you need to shout or scream at someone, then use me - question my parentage if you want,

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37

@CliveH so sorry for you Clive . It’s the most horrible thing to happen to you losing your partner . I know the feeling of your stomach being ripped out . There are so many things to do up to the funeral . I focused on sorting my finances and changing everything to my name . Plus cleaning at 6am etc . It hit home about 30 years without them . I’m 56 so that seems an eternity I can’t beat to think about that . Take your time it’s early days . It’s week 11 for me and I am definitely better than the first few weeks . My thoughts are with you

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38

does everyone when changing paperwork feel like our partners are being erased? it’s horrible as I want to see more of my wife not less.

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39

Yes, it’s horrible. To see my husband’s name deleted from the Council Tax, Electoral Roll, all financial accounts, deeds, utility bills in just my name … the list goes on.
Life is a nightmare.

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40

I felt the worst when selling his car. I had to do it after the terminal diagnosis and before his death as it was on finance. I sold it back to the garage we bought it from as per his instructions. They were very good as it is not something they would normally do but we had been repeat customers. He loved cars. It brought it home that he was dying. He would not recover. Also we were in the process of buying annuities. As a widow the annuity rate is better so they had to be cancelled. Our advisor drove to the hospital to get his signature while possible. Then to me. Then on to company to make sure they were delivered in time. Somehow that seems cold but it was necessary to ensure my future. Does mean I have no annuity income from mine until new policy set up or from his until after probate. Things are a little tight as I am not entitled to any benefits. It was hard then and is still hard going through the paperwork. It does feel like we are erasing them. Xx

41

Hi CliveH,

I lost my beautiful woman 6 weeks ago and so I am not best placed to advise you either, but if it gives you any comfort at all I can share the journey so far.
We both worked from home, so we were together all day, every day. She was the ‘idea’s’ person out of the two of us, she led the way and I was the engineer who made it happen for us. We travelled the world together and experienced fantastic lovely moments together. She became terminally ill on our return to the UK and the news hit us like a freight train. She was so strong, brave and courageous, and outlied the prognosis by 4 months. She died in our home, surrounded by family. It was the hardest thing to watch her decline and see her die, I nearly hyperventilated and I hurt my chest from the uncontrollable crying.
She was a spiritual soul, not in a church-going way, but she believed that she was not to die, but to transform, and her mother, the kids and I know she is around us, kicking our ass to get this done and take time to grieve, after the initial shock.
I do feel her, she is still around, telling me what needs to be done and to get on with it so we can progress, knowing we will never forget her, her energy, her nurturing and her love.
Like you, the worst bit is telling everyone, every time I phoned, texted or emailed, it made be cry intensely, as did making arrangements, funerals, telling authorities and more recently closing her accounts and her business.
I still haven’t cancelled her phone contract or taken her website down, it’s too soon.
So, the only advice is, only deal with what you can deal with as it comes, try not to overthink as I do, take each day at a time. I have the radio on in the background on a station we never listened to, to alleviate the deafening silence.
With a love so pure, you can be sure she wants you to take care of yourself, it is difficult I know.
Like you I wake up and think, what’s the point of being here, can I not hang around too long, I want to be with her again and I cannot function without her, I miss her so intensely, the pain, torment and anger roll around within me constantly, each day is a drudge.
I ground myself thinking, hang on, I need to honour her, by being the strong person she chose to live with, share life with, and I need to allow myself to feel her energy around me, wrapping me in the comfort that she will make sure things get easier.
If I committed suicide she would be so disappointed in me and probably wouldn’t talk to me when I got there, it is not what is meant to be, I will see her one day.
In the meanwhile I live my life in her honour, to tell people how beautiful she was, how she made me a better man, and share the stories of fun and laughter we had. She does not want to be forgotten, but for me to learn from her strength, bravery and courage.
I am with you man, I feel everything you do, you are not alone.
Feel her around you, guiding you, and honour her love, share with others how beautiful she was.

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42

You have so much of life to live live it to the full this is what you wife would want lost my mum on 24 march it still very raw but lean on you family and friends thay with be there for you and take care of yourself :pray:

43

Clive

I am nearly a month in and dealing with paperwork still that ‘erases’ him. I didn’t know I had to notify banks straight away. I always helped him with internet banking so had access to his accounts and was using them to find direct debits and standing orders to transfer to my account. Someone - possibly his pensions people when I cancelled that - told the bank and I sobbed for hours yesterday when I went in to his account to search for some detail and they had all disappeared. The bank had ‘cancelled’ him. Watching him gradually disappear online was like watching him slowly die all over again. I didn’t want access to any money - he transferred it all to me when we knew he was failing - but not being able to see his old activity was like taking him away from me.

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44

I hear you Rome, I hear you

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45

Just about everything was joint. One bank account has changed just to my name but it is not our main account. I am still waiting for the other one to notify me. I have kept his phone number and e mail account as they were the main ones used for notifications just in case I miss something and haven’t changed it to my details. It is tough checking them daily.

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