Mark was always the one that kept me grounded and always knew just what to say to help me. My lovely husband died in September 2023 aged 54. He was diagnosed with a rare pancreatic cancer in April 2023 so he only got 5 months and was still working as a staff nurse at the time of diagnosis. Mark and I trained to be nurses together 20 years ago. I learned to be a nurse, wife, stepmum and then a mum with Mark by my side. We worked in the same hospital each day and had a lovely family life together. My whole world has imploded when he died and I don’t know who I am without him. My biggest challenge is that Mark died in my ward. He had tremendous care with my wonderful colleagues. The advice I need is how on earth do I return to my place of work? I haven’t been able to return to the ward as yet and now almost 4 months since he died, HR are asking when I’m returning. The idea of going back into the ward is traumatic and cruel but my life has changed so much in the past few months, can I cope with more change with a new job and new colleagues?
You have my sympathy, you truly do. The only advice I can give is this. Do what you feel you must do. Ignore others, they don’t feel what you feel. No one has the right to judge you, the only person that feels exactly as you do is you. I have the greatest respect for all the staff in the N.H.S; and I applaud the work you do, BUT you must come first in this instance. Good luck with your choice and i wish you well.
Thank you so much. If we can’t put ourselves first in these difficult times then when can we? Thank you for being so kind.
The fear of doing it is often much worse than it really is. I have lots of fears and going back is scary. Does bring it back but I believe if you do you will be alright in time. It isn’t easy.
Gradually doing it is helpful. Baby steps.
Thank you so much. I’ve been to the car park so next step is to get to the front door of the hospital.
We all, and i include everyone that uses the N.H.S; owe both you and your partner our greatest respect for the work you do. When my wife passed away on the 9th I couldn’t understand how a kidney stone could migrate through her system over a period of ten years and kill her, without being detected. However i cannot express my gratitude for all they did for both my wife and myself during the time it took for my wife to depart. i lived at the hospital from Boxing day until my wife passed on the 9th and they were all so kind during that time. I salute you all, each and every one of you. However, that aside, now you must put yourself first, it’s time for ‘ME time’ and any decision you make will be the correct one. i wish you luck with your hard decisions and future life. It will never be the same again, but hopefully you will be able to cope, which is all we can hope for.
I’m so sorry for your sad loss also. Kindest regards.
I am a firm believer in confronting the fear so it doesn’t have a negative hold over you if that makes sense but we are all different in how we deal with things. Maybe as a start you could return to a different ward for a short while so it isn’t so overwhelming or to view it totally differently in that he received wonderful care on your ward with the emphasis on your being you. Unless you try you will never know and what is the worst that could happen? You turn back and go back home and start again until it feels right for you. Only you know what you can cope with and this part of the journey is now about you. Don’t however put yourself under any pressure to commit to anything, all you can do is try
@Clover4 that is a very difficult situation for you my love . I really think you have to change wards as it will be horrendous for you to work there . My son packed his job in as the paramedics called him home from there . I feel it when I get to the hospital and I haven’t got him to ring anymore . It’s your decision I know it’s very difficult. So sorry for your great loss
I think you have done so well to go to the car park and say to yourself next you will go to the door.
Thank you for feeding back how you got on.
It is inspiring sharing how you did. I get a feeling of relief even if I get stressed before that I achieved some way towards facing what I have been fearing.
Reward yourself.
Ooh that’s a really difficult one isnt it 
my husband passed away at home but yet i sleep in same bed as he slept in … as somebody else said it depends how u feel about it ? Could HR move you to a different ward considering what you have been through ? Might be worth asking if they can transfer you ? Surely they must understand the trauma associated with that ward ? Xxx
Hi @Clover4
My love and strength to you.
Not the same as for you because Iam not a nurse , but this is my little story…
My husband was poorly, Very poorly for many years with cancer then severe COPD and chronic respiratory illnesses.
Our hospital truly fantastic.
He had numerous admissions including ICU, but most in respiratory HDU and the adjacent male respiratory ward.
We got to know all the consultants, doctors, sisters and nurses so well
After Phil died I raised money for the respiratory wards , no flowers at funeral all monies donated instead. Raised almost £4000.
But more importantly, I actually felt bereaved of the hospital too.
I now volunteer once a week for a 6 hour shift on the ward every Friday
It is the hardest but best 6 hours of every week for me. And actually the only place I find happiness.
It’s really hard sometimes but really good too.
A bit different for me because my husband died at home. He had, had 2 admissions in the July and August of 2022, but then a rapid decline…too ill for hospital, so has community nurse palliative care at home .
Anyway, as others have said YOU must do what is right for YOU.
PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
and thank you for everything you, your husband and all your colleagues do.
I’m for ever indebted to you all.
Just about to leave my shift now.
You are a strong woman … i do not want to go anywhere near the hospital my husband went to tbh …
Thank you very much for your reply. My mind changes day to day from I can do this to not a chance. This grief thing is very confusing.
Thank you so much. Most people don’t need to go back for years to the hospital where their loved one dies. Some days I feel stronger than others but I often think why be cruel to myself, the past 6 months have been cruel enough. Kindest regards
I hope your shift went well. It’s incredible what you are doing. I love being a nurse but I think I would be silly to traumatise myself on a daily basis going back to the place where Mark died. My life is unrecognisable from 6 months ago, I’m not the same person. A change of environment would probably be the kindest and best option to allow me to continue nursing.
Thank you so much. I think you are right. Life has been cruel to us all at times, don’t need to be cruel to ourselves also. Being strong only goes so far.
No thank goodness they dont ! I have no wish to go anywhere near !!! I did have to go for an xray about 4 months ago and just ran in, had xray and ran out ! It was awful tbh and glad to get away xx
Sound like a good plan to me ;);xx
Thank you @Clover4
It went well. I was thinking about you a lot while I was there today , and was going to reply to you tonight.
Being back in the wards is a two way thing for me. I feel happy that I’m giving something back to NHS, but it’s also a therapy for me. It helps me. It brings me some comfort, and in a way some inner peace. Even though I always cry all the way there in the morning , and all the home afterwards.
I think it’s easier in my case to return to the wards… because Phil didn’t die at the hospital . even though he was very very poorly on those wards a lot of times, and I lost count of the number of times I was told he might not make it… But he always did, and he was always sent home … The last time 4th August 2022 with his ‘just incase’ driver drugs, and discharge papers written by his consultant (unusual in itself) that included the details of the conversation with him, about Phil’s wishes to be cared for at home for end of life … Little did we know that 2 weeks later, 18th August , we had to welcome the palliative care/ end of life nurses into our home, and 6 days after their care started I lost him.
It sounds like a good idea to start back on another ward. And I hope the hospital managers can be supportive of you for that. If you feel able please do let know how it goes for you.
Sending you so much strength. Xxxx