Lost my dad on 29th Nov 2022. My heart is aching, I can’t stop crying while the rest of the world carry’s on around me. I live alone, no significant other and wasn’t fortunate enough to have kids. I spend most of my day lying about in my pj’s not wanting to get out my bed. I only leave home to visit mum and take her shopping every other day but hate going to her house coz dad is no longer there. Even dads dog just sits in a corner with his tail between his legs when he used to run about daft. As soon as I’m home it’s straight back into the pj’s. I feel completely isolated. My sister, brother, niece & nephew have all returned to work. I can’t bear the thought of it. I have many friends but havnt seen them. My closest friends now seem to be bored with my messages of grief and pain and no longer reply on our group chat. Just chat about their upcoming nights out. I havnt attended as I know I get even more emotional when I drink. I have suggested meeting for lunch but no plan forthcoming. I feel so lost & lonely n have nobody to comfort me.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad. It sounds as you’re feeling so lonely and unsupported at the moment.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help you right now.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Take care - keep reaching out,
Than you for the additional resources Seaneen x
As an NHS employee I am currently awaiting 4 sessions of cognitive therapy however I don’t have a date yet. Reading of others heartbreak is very distressing but making me realise there are so many ppl going through the same pain. I’m glad I joined this group and hopefully in time will learn to cope and possible help others
I’m so sorry for your loss and grief. I feel exactly the same. I don’t know how I’m meant to carry on when I feel so alone and lost. And I too feel like no one wants to know or listen, think I should be “over it” by now, I’m devestated, I’ll never be over it just like you won’t. It’s just so hard x
I’m so sorry for your loss Janine xx I agree ppl will never understand your pain until they have been there themselves. I never understood it until now tbh and I have nursed probably hundreds of palliative patients. It’s horrible feeling so lonely and broken n friends either don’t know what to say anymore or are fed up listening to me
Grief just seems to consume me. I have no control of it. I can be shopping in Tesco with mum n suddenly burst into floods of tears. I don’t know when it will start to get better xxx
I’m sorry for your loss.
I relate to many aspects of your post. I lost my lovely dad on 15th November shortly after a second cancer diagnosis. I have always been very independent and enjoyed living alone, working and spending time with my family and friends. However, I know feel lost and quite isolated with my grief. My dad was a huge part of my daily life and the void he has left is indescribable. Life feels like it has lost a lot of meaning for me and I’m struggling to believe that I’ll ever feel ok again.
I cry everyday, several times a day despite keeping busy and trying to do as dad wanted which was for me to continue with life. This happens over and over as everywhere I look or go is a reminder of dad and that he’s no longer here. My dad passed away not long before Christmas and I know people have their own lives but it feels very much that no one wants to ask or know when I say the truth about how I feel which is sad and lost.
You are not alone.
I’ve only joined this site coz I felt I had nobody to confide in. So far it appears to be a lovely group of individuals who are all in similar situations. It’s lovely that someone will offer support or just acknowledge our grief. They have sent me links to further resources above. I havnt been there yet tc xx
Hi Katherine I’m so sorry for your loss and can completely empathise with you. I get the odd message from random ppl that I know or havnt seen in yrs but feel my closest friends are the ones who don’t reach out to me. My dad died 29th November 22 after a very short hard fight with lung cancer. It would have been his birthday on 3rd December. We had a family get together and had snacks and a birthday cake, then it was Xmas and new year. All bloody hellish tbh just doesn’t seem real. I think it is a very difficult time of year and hoping things slowly get better as time moves forward. I definitely need support and can’t get my head round the rest of my family going back to work, back to normal and here I am stuck in a complete meltdown, bawling like a baby hopefully we can all eventually help each other and find some kinda coping mechanism xxx
Thanks for your reply. I know what you mean about closest friends being the ones who don’t reach out. When we were told back in September that dad had metastatic cancer I found that one of my work colleagues was one of the most supportive people. My work colleague had lost her mum to cancer a year before and I now think that unless you have lost a parent you can’t fully understand.
It must have been tough having your dad’s birthday was so soon after losing him but it’s good that you could honour him. It has been tough since losing dad as lots of the ‘firsts’ that people tell you are difficult are in close succession. It was Christmas, new year, dad’s birthday early Jan, mums birthday this week and then my birthday in mid Feb. All filling me with dread in some ways as it reinforces the loss.
I know what you mean about finding it difficult to understand how people go back to normality. My brother lives abroad and went back to work the week after my dad’s death whereas I haven’t gone back to work yet as I dont feel fit to. I am taking a break from work and hoping to build myself back a bit. Not sure what lies ahead but hoping I can keep moving forwards as dad wanted.
Thanks you for messaging, I’m the same, laughing as I walked out of work with a colleague and then cried the whole way home… I don’t know how to cope with this, and everyone seems to think you should just be ok, and I’m not xx
Thanks for you continued kindness. We appear to be on a very similar path. I am the the only one in the family from a care background. I watched dads decline since the day he was diagnosed. I was very concerned about chest secretions and contacted his GP who brushed off my concerns. I called again and requested antibiotics and low dose furosemide. GP stated that the bubbling you could hear from across the room was not fluid in his lung but prescribed what I asked for. Told me my dad was palliative and not for treatment. I told her my dad was not for chemotherapy but required pain control and symptom management. I asked on 4 occasions if GP had referred dad to palliative care team or district nurses. Sent in a massive complaint regarding negligence and got an apology. Mum phoned the following day again requesting a house call. GP refused. Dad was admitted to hospital with 3 litres of fluid in his lung and required a chest drain. I asked my friends and colleagues to make sure dad was referred to community prior to discharge due to neglect of his Doctor. I Put in another complaint to GP. He was commenced onto a syringe driver 2 weeks later. GP prescribed the wrong drugs my brother had to travel 20miles to OOH to get correct prescription. His treatment was deplorable and I never held back much to my mums displeasure. “How dare I speak to a doctor in that way” I was a community nurse for 8 yrs and know the care myself and my colleagues provided was 2nd to none. Finally GP calls me to visit dad. I asked why. To sign his DNACPR I was fuming how dare they find time for paperwork but had no interest in his well-being. Point blank refused her access and said the palliative nurse could discuss this with dad as he had never set eyes on the GP. I focused on my anger & frustration on his poor (care) then he was taken to hospice because he was going downhill so rapidly. I had no control in there n told to stop being a nurse and start being a daughter . I cried continuously for that 2 weeks as I watched him slip further away. He lasted 5 weeks in total following his chest drain. I am still consumed by rage at his GP practice
I think you are brave by going back to work. I just can’t face it. Right now I don’t want to be a nurse any more. I don’t want to do anything at all apart from lie in bed. I have no idea what my future will hold
Can you send me the book title please
Sending love x
I’m sorry to hear about the difficulties you had with the GP. It sounds incredibly stressful. I wasn’t satisfied with my dads care from the diagnosis to him going into hospice. Dad had throat cancer in 2020 and had all the surgery and treatments and we were told he would be cured. In April my dad developed back pain, he saw GP, physio and was told it was just old age (dad was 70). The pain got worse and in September I asked him to get a private scan to find out what was going on. We were told the same day which was before bank holiday weekend that it was cancer in dad’s bones and GP said he would likely have 6 to 12 months to live.
The GP said she would do urgent referral which went to one hospital but dad was still under ENT for the screening checks at another hospital. I was on the phone everyday chasing the referral and no one knew where it was. A few weeks later after repeated phone calls dad was given appt with existing ENT consultant who was told that it must be a new cancer as throat cancer doesn’t tend to spread like it had and his checks (scope) had been clear.
Dad was given morphine pills by the GP which caused confusion and pain wasn’t managed. These were then swapped out for a different pain medication but it still wasn’t managing the pain. They spent weeks investigating for new primary cancer all the while dad was deteriorating and treatment looking less like an option. Dad ended up in hospital for 2 weeks where they did bone marrow biopsy and I was told a day before dad went to hospice that it was the original throat cancer.
I sent an email off raising my concerns as dad was still under his original oncologist who didn’t even see him as they assumed it was a new cancer. Mum and I were trying to care for him with little input of any value and we were given no indication about end of life or what to look for. I was told he would come out of hospice and it was to get his pain under control.
So much went on over the 8 week period from diagnosis to dads passing that it is difficult to comprehend. I honestly think I am struggling with the trauma of it. I don’t understand how he deteriorated or died so quickly. They phoned about complaint the day after dad died and couldn’t face speaking to the hospital. It really did feel that the worst situation in the world for us was made so much harder by the lack of communication and information. My dad never came round when he went into hospice. He said he loved me when I was driving there and didn’t say anymore.
Had really difficult week last week feeling like I am back to where I was when I first lost dad. Everything still feels very raw. Hoping to get dads ashes interred and headstone made in next few weeks in the hope that having a place to visit him brings me some comfort.
Oh Katherine I know exactly what you’re going thru. My dad had 11 weeks from his diagnosis. And I also feel completely cheated at losing him so soon. He declined so fast just like your dad and had no understanding of what was happening to him. He was so scared, that’s the worst thing for me. However I’m also glad that his death wasn’t prolonged, I have nurses ppl who basically still survive until they are skeletal and I wouldn’t want to watch him fade away. It was difficult enough.
My head still goes thru all the things I said to dads GP and I don’t know whether to take it to ombudsman. It’s not going to bring him back. But as an NHS nurse I feel for all the poor patients out there facing their trauma alone with absolutely no support. Only reason dad got support in his last few weeks was because I have friends who work in community and in palliative care. It was too little too late though. The physical and mental pain of grief is taking over me. Please keep in touch Katherine
Sending love x
I have some of dads ashes in his fishing flask
Also bough wee keyrings for my family and have some ashes in that too, so they are always with me
Trying to send a pic but it’s turned into a link Katherine so not sure if you can view it xx
Hi lynne,i am so very sorry to learn of the happenings with your dad,mum,friends and family. I was very close with my dad,and i was his full time carer too,he was suddenly taken 12 days ago and it still doesnt feel real,i feel shakey,dread in my tummy,my arms and legs feel like lead weights,my head feels like i been hit with a spade. I lost my mom 6 years ago,and no longer have my parents…i have a sister,but we are poles apart,she wasnt overly involved with my parents as she was busy bringing up 4 children of her own,i-however…have no children,my parents were everything to me,i honoured them in a way. It feels like nobody really cares,i mean-some family and friends ask how i am,but they dont really care,and say it out of politeness,or just because.
I went out 2 days ago to a local supermarket and felt totally alone,that nobody knew how i felt,or cared,and i just wanted to get away from everyone.
Your situation seems pretty similar to mine,please know you’re not alone.
Thanks for your reply. I feel cheated out of time but also fortunate that I had such a close relationship with my dad for my whole life. The grief as you say, is all consuming though.
I understand being glad that your dad’s death wasn’t prolonged. My dad wouldn’t have wanted for his death to be prolonged and although he didn’t want to leave us I didn’t want him to suffer.
I can also understand your concern for people facing trauma alone. I was advocating for my dad and chasing things up but it would have been impossible for him to navigate it alone.
The keyrings and your dad’s ashes in his fishing flask are lovely. I hope that makes you feel close to him. I am having some of dad’s ashes put into a ring so he is with me and hoping the headstone and place to visit may help. I have a memory box with some of dads belongings in and photos up which I find comforting.
Always here if you want to chat.
I’m so sorry to hear of your sad loss CR73
Saddened to read how you feel it’s such a lonely place be be. My dad passed 2 months ago now and I’m still bawling my eyes out. Chapped my neighbour today to tell her she has a fox in her back garden then suddenly overwhelmed with grief and burst into tears, hardly know her but she gave me a hug whereas I feel that my friends & family are sick hearing about my despair But it’s completely taken over me. I don’t want to feel like this.
You are not alone. I have received some lovely messages on this forum as I’m sure you will too. It hasn’t changed my emotions but I can now chat with ppl who understand how I feel and know how difficult grief is and how isolated it makes you feel. Hopefully we can all help each other at some point down the line
Take care x
I havnt used the other resources yet but I will they are above in this chat think it’s one to one session
I go through dads photos on memories thing on iPhone. Add to them all the time n send to family group chat. They have even stopped commenting lol. Can’t help it got dads flask for Father’s Day 2021 and he used it when he went fishing so when I saw it in mums cupboard I found it quite appropriate for his ashes (maybe a bit weird) we were going to scatter his ashes where he went fishing for past 50 odd yrs but mums still got them. That’s beautiful getting a ring your dad will always be close by.
It’s strange the things you cling to isn’t it? Iv got dads slippers under the heater in living room (not that he lived with me) and his blanket at the bottom of my bed hope your dads headstone arrives soon and brings you some comfort xxx