Never felt so lonely & lost

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

It’s funny how our loved ones possessions take on more meaning when they are no longer here. I have put things like dad’s glasses and his hat into memory box. I took the blanket that was on dads bed at home into the hospice when he was in his final days and since he passed away I sleep with it on the bottom of my bed. I even took it away with me over Christmas as It brings me some comfort. One of the things I found quite odd since he passed away is all of his personal belongings that he loved like his computers that are no longer being used. It still just feels like he was ripped away from us.

I always think of dad when I wake up in the morning and when falling asleep and this morning my phone had done one of those memory photo collections just of him which caught me off guard. I like to look at photos but if unexpected it can be upsetting.

I think the flask is perfect and not weird at all. It was a lovely gift and a reminder of things that he loved so what better place for your dad’s ashes.

I know what you mean about people not responding. I sent my brother one of my usual missing dad messages last night and not had reply yet. I know he doesn’t mind but think he just doesn’t know what to say as it’s the same thing over and over.

I hope you have a peaceful day.
Xx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine I have just had my first counselling session via NHS. The lady was lovely and just went through my story, my thoughts & feelings. She reminded me that 2 months is not a long time and what I am feeling is normal. Although not normal to me. She sent me this. It kinda explains what we are going through

Lovey to meet you, here is the 100ft wave description of grief, see you next week.

As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out

[CR73]

This is an interesting way of describing grief,somewhat comforting.

[Lynne06]

It describes exactly how I’m feeling at the moment and helps me realise I’m not just completely going off my head x

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope the counselling sessions are helpful. I have been talking to a councellor and this week will be my 4th session and I do find it helpful to have a space to talk about dad. I have spent a lot of time wondering if my reaction is ‘normal’ and as you say it is easy to forget that it has only been two months since losing dad so very raw.

The wave description of grief that you have posted makes a lot of sense to me and I can definitely relate to the first part as that is where I currently am. The more I have spoken to people who have lost a loved one I’m told that the pain and grief doesn’t go away and you learn to live alongside it. It is a daunting prospect to think that it may always been painful but if you love someone so much then it will always hurt. However, I hope the sadness lessens in time.

Xxx

[Lynne06]

Hello Katherine this was my first session and I was highly emotional but feels good having someone actually listen to you and acknowledge the pain and loneliness we are feeling. The wave is a very fitting description of the situation we have found ourselves in. She asked me about my goal - don’t actually have one other than learning how to cope with my grief. I also told her I have been on this forum and how much it helps to have share stories with others. It has helped me feel less isolated knowing how many of us are overwhelmed and feel isolated.
I wasn’t in a good place when I read you message earlier. So strange that memory video came up on your fone this morning after me mentioning it last night. I hope it brings you comfort following the shock. That happened with my fone weeks ago but I keep adding photos & the tune has changed leaving me frustrated coz it’s too upbeat. Spent hours trying to get back to original which will play but only the initial time I set it. 🫣 then back to this ridiculous tune.
I’m so glad to have found this forum and wish to thank yourself and everyone else who has read my story and reached out to me. You are all wonderful people who are all crushed and struggling. I assume I will be here for a long time yet for your continued support xxx

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

How are you doing today?

I agree it does help having someone to talk to who listens and can hopefully help in understanding how we are thinking and feeling. I have never thought about the goal with counselling but it’s an interesting thought. I think I am hoping as the weeks go on I may become stronger and more able to process and understand what’s happened and why I am feeling the way I am.

I have jotted some things down to discuss in my appointment tomorrow as last week I was having a terrible week and burst into tears as soon as I walked in. I then was all over the place in my thinking as I just felt sad and fearful.

It was strange the memory photos coming up on my phone. I have been struggling to fall asleep the last few nights and inevitably end up thinking of dad and feeling sad so to wake up and see his pictures was a bit upsetting. I hope you managed to get the photos and tune sorted out.

It was my mum’s birthday today so made an effort to go out for coffee and cake and a couple of dog walks. I went to see my Aunty yesterday first time since returning home after christmas and no mention of dad or how we are coping just comment that it must have been lovely to be with my nephew over Christmas. I know she is maybe trying to be positive but I feel like screaming sometimes when people just act like nothing has happened.

I have found this forum very helpful. It definitely makes me feel less alone on what otherwise feels like a lonely and daunting grief journey.

Xx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine went for lunch with mum sister brother in law and nephew today before the weekly Tesco shop with mum. Was telling them about my counselling session and lots of heads nodding but nothing said so I understand ur frustration regarding your aunt.
Still can’t get music sorted on my memory video. Will take phone to Apple Store next time I am in Glasgow x
I hope your mum enjoyed her birthday (as much as she could at this horrible time). My niece is due her first baby in 8 weeks so that’s something we are all looking forward to. Although she’s not having a good pregnancy.
I am meeting 2 girls I used to work with tomorrow for lunch, looking forward to catching up
I hope ur session goes well. Still unsure whether it will help or it’s just a positive sounding board
Sending love & hugs

[Oreotrio]

Its the worse pain and feeling. I can relate. I feel so alone and nothing seems the same anymore . Its been 9 days since lost my dad. Feel like expected to be over it or fine now. Havent even had funeral yet. Miss him so much

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

It sounds like your family are a bit like mine in the sense that they are grieving differently. I know everyone grieves in their own way but it does lead to feelings of isolation to some extent.

Mums birthday was as pleasant as it could be. I don’t think either of us felt up to much but we made some effort to acknowledge the day.

Your nieces baby is definitely something to look forward to. I hope you enjoyed lunch and catch up with your friends too.

Going to keep extra busy over the weekend as weekends feel even more difficult than week days (possibly association from previously seeing dad a lot at the weekends).

Keep in touch.
Sending love.
Xx

[CR73]

9 days is no time at all,i lost my dad 15 days ago which is also no time at all,there is no right or wrong way to grieve-so dont let anyone tell you what you should be doing/have done.

[Lynne06]

So sorry for your loss. 9 days is nothing. My dads gone over 2 months now and i still feel completely lost and broken. Can’t face going back to work in an hospital ward.
Actually met with 2 previous colleagues today for lunch which was lovely. But ended up telling my story and again in floods of uncontrollable tears. Please know that everyone one on this forum is going through the same overwhelming emotions. I have found more comfort in chatting to ppl here than trying to make friends and family listen to me
Scroll back and read the grief wave on this it was sent to me by my counsellor. It helps you to understand that your feelings are completely normal
Sending love n hugs

[Lynne06]

I need to start making an effort in my home. Go through one room at a time. My house is a total mess clothes lying everywhere no motivation to do anything. Will prob take my mum round some shops tomorrow go for a bite to eat, she likes to get out. Lunch was lovely until my meltdown in the car park 🫣
Let me know how your weekend goes

[Lynne06]

So sorry for your loss. I’ve only had one therapy session of 4 allocated. Don’t know what I will do after that tbh I’m aware there’s extra support here so if I’m still feeling the same I will try reaching out to them. I’m two month since losing my dad n feel I should be moving on but have heard from many ppl that grief can be never ending n that scares me. I hope you find some comfort here as I have, it’s an amazing site to chat, share stories, rant or just cry. Without this I would feel so isolated. I hope your sessions have a positive effect xxx
Feel free to contact me at any time. Can’t heal your pain and have no words to describe how much physical and mental anguish comes with grief but appreciate each and everyone of you who takes time to reach out for a wee bit of understanding. We are all going through the same hell.
Take care
Keep in touch
Sending love

[CR73]

Hi milliemollie
I lost my dad suddenly 2.5 weeks ago,we were very close and i was his full time carer,i am so sorry to read you have lost your husband,i too-have no children and feel pretty isolated and lonely in my grief. Does the reflexology help with grief/anxiety/depression?

[Lynne06]

[Tillybee]

Im new here, I lost my dad on the 1st November 2022 I read your post & feel the same. I’d like to scream & have the world stop. I feel like I’m living in a bubble within my Mum, Sister & Brother and even my own Husband can’t fully understand. I don’t feel part of the group anymore. I feel separated from people who haven’t experienced what we have. We are a a club that no one wants to be part of. My Dad had cancer but his death was sudden & from a cancer we were assured wouldn’t kill him. He was 61. I thought my Dad was invincible & the little girl in me & the person my Dad is made me believe he could beat anything!! I say ‘is’ cos I’m not comfortable with saying ‘was’. He had already beaten kidney cancer but his lymphoma transformed be aggressive. He should still be here it was a lack of treatment that caused his death. They didn’t give him chemo for over 6 weeks and a tumour grew quite big in his abdomen and burst his bowel. This is the first time I’ve spoken to anyone who is not family or friend. I feel an unbearable sadness & pain every second. I hate what it’s done to our lives. I can’t believe he’s gone. A piece of me is dead and that will be true always until my turn. This grief will be life long for me so I hear you people who haven’t lost don’t understand & their lives continue. It’s hard for me relate to any person that’s not lost a loved one & in traumatic circumstances. I held my dads hand as he took his last breaths & I hope I’m looking after my mum as good as he asked me too. God I miss him so much! we went from thinking they’d operate to save his life to him taking his last breath in just 4 hours. I’m functioning but I’m not coping or living & don’t feel this is achievable for some time. Sending love xx

[Katherine86]

Hi Tillybee,

I’m very sorry for the loss of your father.

My father was also told that the cancer that he had (throat cancer) was highly curable. The doctors were convinced that my dad had a new cancer and when we saw my dad’s ENT consultant in October dad was told he was still ‘cured’ from the throat cancer (found out later it was the original cancer). This convincing statement from the doctor gave me false hope as some other cancers which are just in the bones are treatable which made dad’s final weeks even more stressful. I have since questioned why I took my dad’s doctors opinion without question but it was a highly stressful situation. I think being told it is curable leads to a whole other level of crushing disappointment when it’s not or when something goes wrong.

I still refer to my father in the current tense as in my dad ‘is’ my best friend and before my dad passed away he said he will always be my father and I will always be his daughter, nothing can change that. I don’t want to refer to my dad in the past tense as he is a person who is very much loved. I understand feeling that your dad should still be here. Why do so many other people get cured of cancer when my dad went through the surgeries and treatments the first time round and it still came back? All questions that go round in my mind and something I don’t think I will ever feel at ‘peace’ with.

I was also holding my father’s hand when he passed away and I am now trying to support my mum. These are things that I have been able to do for my dad and I want to support my mum the best I can but I feel forever changed. It is very difficult to see your strong loving dad pass away and I too feel that I don’t relate to people the same way (unless they have sadly been through it).

There are lots of people here who understand.

Sending love.
Xxx

[CR73]

Hi tillybee
Thankyou for replying,the feelings and emotions you are/have felt are very similar to mine,i am reaching out to you. The role your dad played in your life sounds very much like mine with my dad. I look up to him,always learning from him,teaching me how to treat others,to be a ‘good’ person,diy,signwriting,painting and decorating,gardening…allsorts. I too,was with him as he passed away,holding his hand(which i managed to warm up)and talking to him. He confided in me when my mom passed away,and told me things he’d said to no other. I also feel the same way when talking about him-as if hes still in the present-not the past. I go to his house and see the ornaments,pictures etc that he’d moved ready for me to decorate for him,and all his things lying around. Yes i agree that we belong to a club that nobody wants to belong to,i’ve had people tell me that it will get easier (my grief) - but these people are not talking from personal experience of loosing a parent or child,they try to ease the grief and advise,but have never been through it. I hear you too,and i feel a type of comfort from you.

[Lynne06]

So sorry for the loss of your dear dad. I am still struggling to understand why my dad was ripped away within 11 weeks of diagnosis. My dad was invincible just like yours. Had a stroke/clot in his brain 3 days before I was born. Age 28. Hospitalised for first 6 months of my life and went through intense physio to be the strongest man in the world (in my eyes as a child) he had bowel cancer 18 yrs ago and got through that then he had a heart attack 3 years ago and even managed to walk over a mile home to make sure his dog didn’t get lost. Dad wast given the option of chemo consultant decided he wasn’t fit (wtf did he know!!!) and here we are pouring our hearts out to strangers who have been kinder than many of my friends
X