Thank you all so much 
I stumbled upon this site from a TV advert & when I read some posts I was ‘that’s me’ ‘that’s us’ ‘that’s exactly how I feel’. I think I’m fortunate to find you all and I’m so very sorry that it’s taken this set of circumstances to bring us together 
. However there’s strength in numbers and even though all our stories are horrific and unfair in so many ways I feel comfort from all of your responses because strangers we may be but you all understand me more than my best friend, my Sons & my Husband. I’m very grateful for that. I want to thank all of you profusely because I truly believe that I’ve found people that get me & thats priceless to me right now. I also wanted to reach out to this group to find out what it’s like etc as I’m going to recommend to my Mum & siblings as we think we are alone in feeling this way & we aren’t. I feel all your love for your loved ones & also found out that my Dad isn’t the only invincible iron man out there sending you all love & thanks 
I wish I could verbalise the importance of your responses better xxx
I only found this forum a few weeks ago through an advert on Facebook. The rest of my family seem to be coping much better than me though. It’s wonderful to be able to share to so many kind thoughtful ppl who completely understand me and what I’m going through. I cry my eyes out reading of others loss and try to respond as quickly as possible but usually struggle to see the screen due to the flood of tears. I’m glad you have found a place that makes you feel part of an inclusive group. As I have. I respect each member and can empathise as we are all in the same sad, lonely bubble
Sending love x
Hi Katherine. How are you today? My weekend has unfortunately been taken over by a formal complaint by a former manager I reported/whistleblew during the first wave of covid. She has come back to haunt and harass me and my former colleagues by stating we are unfit to practice 3 yrs after she got investigated for misconduct 
I am raging 
havnt even left the house today to visit mum. Almost didn’t even cry over dad until I read tillybeas story. I hope you are managing okay. Sending love
Lynne 
Hi Lynne,
Nice to hear from you. I was going to send you a message to see how your weekend has been.
I’m sorry to hear about the complaint. It sounds incredibly frustrating! I’m not surprised you feel angry about it, I would too. This person sounds very bitter and vindictive.
My weekend has been ok, thanks. I kept myself busy yesterday which helped a bit and then today back to feelings of anger about losing dad and frustrations about things that happened earlier last year (just a misunderstanding between my brother and dad in which my brother caused a lot of stress). I think because I’m feeling sad and lost without dad it sometimes manifests itself as either anger or guilt, it’s very confusing.
My mum has had an issue with (we think hip) for a number of years. She was at physio when COVID all started and that stopped and then dad had the cancer diagnosis in 2020 so mum just carried on albeit her mobility isn’t great. We saw a new physio last week and he thinks it’s arthritis in hip and she is seeing a doctor on Tuesday and then probably scan to diagnose. It’s something that needs to be done as it’s affecting her confidence and ability to go for long walks etc but feel stressed out about it.
I know dad had a history of cancer which we have now been told is a red flag for any new pain but feel dread incase it’s something bad for mum. She has no other symptoms but where before dad’s diagnosis I would have been wanting her to go get checked out I am anticipating more bad news. It’s illogical and don’t want to live in fear but feel like the way I think about everything has changed. When dad’s back pain didn’t go away I worried it was something bad but this was dismissed by family so now I don’t feel any relief when someone says it won’t be anything bad. I feel like a child with these worries, I was never like this before and could tackle anything but that seems to have changed I just don’t feel like I have the reserves for anything else at the moment.
People’s stories on here are very sad but I agree they show how deeply loved our parents are which is very special.
I hope you have a peaceful evening.
Sending love.
Xx
Yes my problem stems from a very nasty vindictive senior nurse but she’s the least of my worries.
Sorry to hear about your mum but again feel as if we are in a parallel situation. My mum has osteoporosis which has led to a curvature of the spine. She’s had various fractures ribs and spine which won’t heal properly. Took her to cardiology last week as I mentioned and although consultant wasn’t concerned (which was a huge relief) she received another appointment in the post for next week for more heart tests. Like you I am expecting the worst and don’t even want to think about it. Can’t bear the thought of losing mum 
Are we always destined to think everyone close is going to die. I worry all the time now. Iv even chosen my funeral songs coz I know my family would have no clue what to play 
probably we are going through normal reactions which just seem completely OTT
Enjoy ur evening
Big hugs x
I tried reiki when my dad was in the hospice. However cudnt relax and couldn’t stop crying. Perhaps I will reconsider therapy treatments further down the line
Glad to hear they work for you
X
Hi Lynne,
Thanks for your message. It’s terrible to be fearful that something else may happen to our loved ones.
I am mostly a logical person and previously I wouldn’t have worried about worse case scenario but since cancer entered our lives its just turned the way I think about everything upside down. I said to my work colleague that it feels like two halfs to my life pre cancer where life felt enjoyable and safe and then post cancer where you are exposed to suffering and now nothing feels safe like it once did.
I think we should both find comfort that it doesn’t look like anything is going to go wrong with our mums anytime soon but it doesn’t stop doubt creeping in.
Choosing your funeral songs is a good idea! No one seems to talk about this stuff and then when the family has to choose it’s not always easy. I have also thought about my own funeral and told my mum and brother to inter my ashes with my dads at the headstone (when I am finally able to get his headstone and plot sorted). I don’t feel particularly daunted about my own mortality but very fearful of losing another loved one. I hope I will be with my dad again at some point I think that brings me comfort.
I hope your mum’s tests go well. Hopefully I’ll be able to update you that things with mum are ok.
Sending love.
Xxx
Hi Lynne,
How are you doing?
I took my mum for her appointment on Tuesday and she has severe arthritis in the hip and needs a hip replacement. It was a strange feeling to feel relief at this news but after worrying so much after what happened with dad it does feel like a relief. I hope next time I wont feel so stressed but I probably will as what happened with my dads diagnosis is never far from my mind.
Still no update on when the new section will be open at the cemetery for dad’s headstone but got a call to say that jewellers are making my ring with dad’s ashes in which I hope brings comfort.
Struggling to sleep this week. It’s been gone 2am and still wide awake thinking about dad. Missing him so much but trying to keep busy like he told me. Still feel this daft worry about time moving on and it being months and years since I last saw him. Crying as I write this! Tears never stop it feels like. 
Not sure when your mum has her appointment but I hope all is well.
Xx
Hi Katherine sorry Iv not been in touch the past few days had so much to deal with filling out formal paperwork relating back to first wave of covid.
Sorry to hear about your mum but glad it’s not cancer related and hopefully she will get hip replacement soon x
Had my 2nd counselling session yesterday more of the same tbh crying for the full hour on zoom
HR meeting this morning along with sickness absence manager, and more tears. Keep repeating the same story like a cycle from from dads diagnosis
To death. I can’t stop going over it all. They will see me again 4-6 weeks. Feel ridiculous bawling like a baby but I’ve no control. They asked about returning to work. Said I cudnt possibly look after palliative patients or be there to comfort other during bad news. Don’t know if I can meet their needs when I couldn’t even help dad. Emotional rollercoaster continues.
Hope you get your ring soon and your dads plot and headstone
Always here
Sending love
Lynne x
Hi Lynne,
Thanks for your message.
Sorry to hear that you are having to do lots of paperwork, it’s the last thing you need when grieving the loss of your dad. I hope it’s all sorted out for you soon.
I hope the counselling session was helpful. I haven’t had a counselling session this week but will be continuing in a week’s time.
The HR meeting sounds difficult. I understand going over it all, I can recount every detail of what happened with my dad from diagnosis to him passing away, it’s etched into my mind forever.
It’s not ridiculous being upset or crying. I think the lack of understanding of the impact of grief and the expectation that we can just carry on as normal is one of the loneliest feelings. I can understand why you would not yet feel ready to return to your job. It’s such a traumatic experience to lose your father, hopefully time away will allow for some healing.
My job is not related to health care but I do not feel able to return to work yet. I’m not sure about life moving forwards but won’t make any big life decisions any time soon.
Sending love,
Xxx
I’ve got a hearing to attend as well regarding an ex colleague just had email about that too. I could just run away 
My cleaning spree has ended where it began 🫣 keep hoping I will wake up to some good news n it’s been a complete shambles since end of last week
Think I need to contact my gp to get something else prescribed as current meds not helping in the slightest.
Take care
Sending big hugs xx
Hi Lynne,
I’m sorry to hear about everything you have going on. It’s added stress that you could do without. Sometimes it’s one thing after the next but I’m hopeful things will settle down for you soon. Speaking to your GP is a good idea they might have some suggestions.
Friday again and nearly the weekend not sure I have any sense of time these days it feels like it’s stood still but also racing by. I’ll try and make a plan for the weekend as it seems to feel worse than weekdays for missing dad. No idea why.
Sending lots of love. Always here if you want to chat.
Xxx
Hi Katherine, I’ve not got your land for the weekend as such but got someone coming to tidy up my back garden overgrown trees from both neighbours are taking over my garden and growing through the fence I put up (both neighbours failed to contribute to cost obviously) Lol so might get started on cleaning up my spare room next. Got 4 charity bags from my room so far. And not tackled the wardrobes yet 
have loads of clothes I no longer fit into mostly new but it’s never gonna happen.
I’m an impulsive shopper and even came across a few pairs of jeans and new jumpers still with tags that’s the plan anyway. 
Hope you manage through the weekend xx
Always here to chat
Sending love xxx
Hi Lynne,
Your neighbours sound like mine with the lack of contributions. They are however the first to speak up if something needs doing. The garden etc is all stuff I will have to get onto at some point too. My dad was always the person to fix stuff if something broke at my house and he would happily cut my trees and even fix tiles on my roof for a cup of coffee! I like being busy so I will try my hand at what I can but cutting the trees and fixing something on the roof is out of my league so I’ll have to find people who can do it when the time comes
I also have lots of clothes to sort through. I lost a lot of motivation since 2020 and have struggled to get it back so I have lots that need to go to charity shops too. I’m going to try and get back into doing long walks / hill walking with my dog as this was great at keeping me fit and my mind quiet.
Your tattoo is a lovely tribute to your dad. I especially like the love hearts going up to his fishing rod.
I hope you have a good evening.
Keep in touch.
Xxx
Thanks Katherine
My dad was the same if you mentioned something about the garden he would be chapping you up at 7am 
he loved working outside helped all the neighbours even cutting everyone’s hedges a few months ago unsure whether they wanted them trimmed but that’s just who he was.
Completely useless around the house though 🫣 he would for instance put up a towel rail with a 6” nail lol
It’s giving me a laugh at least thinking about all this.
Hope you have a peaceful calm weekend
XX
Hi Lynne,
Some of the similarities are uncanny. My dad was very good at fixing things but he was very much an individual so would do things his own way. There was definitely some questionable DIY much of which is still on display at my parents house. If the end result worked he didn’t always care about how it looked and this was something we would
often butt heads about .
Hopefully in time the memories will bring more laughter.
Xxx
I’m glad I brought back something to laugh about in both our cases.
Dad would go into moods n blame mum if something amiss in the house. Simple stuff like hanging blinds, curtain poles, building flat packs was my domain. I love all that. Sister and younger brother are completely useless.
Mum could have something waiting to get built for weeks until I started then of course dad would be out with the power drill because (he was just gonnae do that) he did however build sledges and wooden toys when me and my sister were weans, made bunk beds for my twin dolls. All the silly stuff I wish I had now xx
Yes, me too. It’s nice to remember these things.
Your dad sounds like a fantastic father Lynne. I think we are both fortunate to have such a close bond with our dad’s.
Hope you have a peaceful weekend.
Xxxx
Hi Lynne,
How are you doing?
This week has felt like another tough week, 3 months today since dad passed away. How can it be three months since I last saw and spoke to him? It feels like much longer.
Trying to keep busy but night time and sleep has been terrible.
I hope you are doing ok.
Xxx
-I have Somehow replied to my own last message.