Never felt so lonely & lost

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope you are well. No worries, I know what you mean about feeling like you are stuck in a rut. I feel in some ways that I am stagnating and feel like I need a goal to work towards.

I hope between the sadness you get some days where you feel a bit better? I think it’s great that you are keeping up with the classes. It’s so difficult to feel motivated sometimes but I know I always feel worse when I’m in the house and not getting out.

I don’t blame you not going on the holiday. It would make me feel awkward if a friend had been upset that I wanted to do something for myself. Friendships can be complicated which is probably why I don’t have many! I just have select few people but more than happy to go off on hols on my own.

It must be really tough with work and deciding what to do. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to do that job after what happened with your dad. I think losing someone to terminal cancer is very traumatic and I don’t think I’m even fully aware of the impact that watching dad die has had on me. I know everyone will lose parents and loved ones but it isn’t something that many people I know have experienced. It is a big decision with work and I hope you find some peace with whatever decision you make.

My Dad would totally be shaking his head at my running, knee feels normal now but don’t want to chance it so just long walks for now.

Mum is very much more dependent on me. At Christmas I said I was fine with her staying as I thought we had plan for house and I said you need to do more independently like driving, go to the shop etc, it’s just not happened but my brother is more involved as he said he doesn’t want it affecting me negatively so we will see what happens.

It sounds like you have had lots of lovely family time recently. My brother and nephew arrived on wed and he ran straight over to me at the airport with a big hug, I thought he might be a bit shy but we picked up straight where we were at Christmas and I am definitely top aunt . The safari was fab, huge rhino Infront of the car, lions. Went through the baboons and only one jumped on the roof, my little nephew loved it. We also went for trip out to beach and for some lovely walks and meals. The weather has been lovely and warm so a really nice weekend. Going to book to visit them in July as he is off school so should be a really nice week.

This week I have to tackle mums hedge as it’s far too high. My aunty lives right behind her and suggested I do it so it doesn’t scratch my car but it felt like a low level complaint so I’ll try and get onto it this week. This is one of those where I feel clueless, dad said to get someone to do it but it’s not happened so looks like it will be my job!

The picture of your Dad is lovely. I love old photos.

Just remembered I saw work start on the new section at the cemetery and asked when I can select a plot for Dad. She said they were taking names and numbers of interested people as they have had lots of interest. Very frustrating as I have been going in since Nov to enquire! Hope I get a place for Dad.

I hope you have a good weekend. I’m going to get to bed, can’t believe how tiring it is chasing around a nearly 3 year old.

Sending lots of love.

Xxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine I hope you are well.
I’m sure you have been run ragged by your nephew, kids are great they bring so much joy and laughter. So glad he ran straight to you after not seeing you for a few months. No wonder you are his no1 aunt. Glad you all enjoyed the safari park and making the most of the good weather. It’s to be scorching next week apparently so a great time to start on that hedge Katherine think we are in a parallel universe because that’s exactly what my mum was talking about during the week while we sat in the garden. “Your dad would have had that hedge trimmed by now” yep think I will need to give it a try. Mum has been spending lots of time in the garden and bought lots of new plants so she’s happy enough. Iv cemented gaps in her steps this week, another trial.
I am going for lunch with my (only) friend and her sister on Monday so looking forward to that. We have known each other since primary school and were very close from age 16, so should have plenty old stories to laugh about. Then next Friday I am catching up with a former colleague over lunch. Meal at Toby carvery yesterday with mum brother and wee nephew. Lunch with mum sister niece and baby Arran on Thursday. I am the size of a house
Planning a weekend caravan break with mum and the dog and my brothers son. Brother and his wife are now coming too so I will add my nephew and great niece as he has his daughter every weekend Friday till Monday. My sister and her man will prob arrive for a day trip, weather permitting. Be nice for us to get away although dads dog is a concern. He’s still literally running the house and peeing furniture when he doesn’t get his own way fingers crossed, nobody will watch him
I hope you enjoy the sunshine this week and manage to relax
Take care
Sending love

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

How are you? I hope all is well. The weeks and months seem to be rolling by.

I got the hedge done, my Aunty (mums sister) lives behind mum and dad’s house so she was out supervising. She is a tough critic but said I did a good job so it must be ok. It filled three of those huge garden sacks and isn’t straight but it’s better than it was. The weather has been hot! I hope you have been enjoying some sunshine too.

It’s so funny that your mum was on about the hedge too! Many similarities between our lives.

I hope you had a good catch up with your friend. It must be nice to have a friend you have known since primary! When Dad died I wished I was still in touch with a friend from growing up as she used to holiday with us and would have been nice to have a friend who knew me from way back. Maybe i wanted a link to my childhood.

Did you book or go on your weekend caravan trip? I keep thinking I’ll go camping but as usual the idea is there but then I dont follow through. Mum and I are going to visit my brother and nephew from 5th July for a week which I’m looking forward to. I still haven’t planned any other holidays yet but I still intend to get some booked for later in the year.

My dog was spayed on Monday which I was dreading as I knew she would hate to be left at the vets! She did really well but been a slow week trying to keep her calm and quiet whilst recovering. I didn’t think it possible but so far she is more clingy and cuddly.

My brother is going to go and do the garden at mum and dad’s holiday house soon. I’m glad I don’t have to go, the thought of going there without Dad makes me feel so upset. It’s strange that the house causes so much upset maybe because it was always dad gardening there and it was a place of fun. It’s difficult to accept that it’s over.

Took mum for a routine mamogram today and now back on the couch with the dog. Got a horrible cold but hoping I can get back to doing my walks soon. For yet another year I have left it too late to get into shape for summer but it can’t be helped. I’ll keep trying.

Keep in touch.
Sending love.
Xxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
Hope you’re feeling better. Lots of bugs and viruses going around just now. Hope ur mums test is all clear.
You will be looking forward to seeing your brother and nephew again in July im sure you will have a lovely break away from home.
We have booked 2 caravans for next weekend fri-mon so fingers crossed the weather remains as glorious as it’s been. Mum, me Rebel the dog in one my brother & his wife in another with their dog and problems with my nephews mum so still praying Lewis is coming too. My nephew Gary and his wee girl will come sat-mon with us and my sister and brother in law will day trip Sunday.
Hope your wee dog is continuing to improve after her wee op. Can’t get enough puppy love
Sounds like you did a fantastic job with the hedge if your aunt approved, I’m sure your dad is delighted with your effort. My mum started hers on her own as I wasn’t doing it fast enough me and my brother finished up today with nephews help
Good news that your brother is going to tidy up the holiday home garden, I know it’s something you were dreading, perhaps you can go another time somewhere down the line when you’re feeling stronger.
I seem to be having a lot of bad days just now, only attended 1 aqua class this week, like you I’m over the 6 month mark and bawling my eyes out to the gp. My sleeping has actually got worse since commencing new medication. Didn’t sleep at all for 2 days and had about 2 hrs total last night. But I have to persevere and the tablets should help eventually obviously effecting my mental health and well-being even more.
No bikini body for me either this year (or last 6-8yrs) lol I put it down to my age.
Any news yet for your dads plot? They seem to be taking an age
My nephew Lewis age 9 has just finally had a diagnosis of autism despite years of evaluation. He is on the spectrum, he’s very quiet, loving big boy. Doesn’t speak much and often one word answers… He told me today while gardening that he had a dream last week his papa visited him. Papa said “hiya pal, how are you doing” Lewis gave him a big cuddle. That’s exactly my dads greeting to him.
Dad was very upset & really emotional seeing Lewis at hospice and cried his eyes out afterwards coz he knew he would never see him again. So I’m crying again coz dads still looking out for him xxx wish he would visit me (maybe if I start sleeping) but good to know dads okay and he’s about somewhere.
Hope you are enjoying the sunshine
Sending love
Lynne

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope you are well. Sorry for the delayed reply. I was just getting over that virus and foolishly still went on a long walk. I had just gone up a hill and my back went into spasm and it’s been terrible ever since. It’s happened before near enough this time last year but resolved itself after a few days. This time its been over a week and the pain intense! Hardly able the bend or twist. What a disaster I am!

Mums mamogram was clear, thanks for asking. Managed to get her to talk to the GP about all the worrying and lack of decision making. GP said seven month mark of grief tough as initially we think we can get through it and then reality of the loss sets in. She has given her some medication for the time being. I feel kind of awkward as my Dad would probably say to just let her be but the level of worry hasn’t been normal, whatever “normal” is. I can always hear what he would tell me and sometimes I feel like I’m going against what he might do. We will see GP after we get back for a review.

The GP lost her own mum very quickly after a cancer diagnosis and said it’s really difficult but it will get easier in time. I hope she is right.

I hope you are having a lovely time in the caravan ( I think it will be this weekend). I have the best memories of caravan holidays as a kid. Being with your family will no doubt bring some joy.

My pup Layla has recovered great. She is back to her bouncy energised self and ready for her holiday to my brother’s in a few weeks time.

Hope your mum was ok doing the hedge! They always over exert themselves, my mum the same way despite the bad hip and Dad working full days in the garden this time last year despite the pain. My brother is going to the holiday house this Friday. On the family call last week we were talking about having to inform the authorities there. We haven’t done it yet as the grant of probate was required which we now have. I’ve asked if we can go together to clear some stuff out. The cellar and garage is full of dad’s tools. It makes me so sad even thinking about it!

I’m sorry you are having a difficult time. I think it’s really good that you are speaking to GP and I hope you get plenty of good rest soon and the medication is beneficial.

I have also hit a rough patch. I put a post on here the other night as I was just awake and crying. Lots of external stresses with worrying about mum and longing to speak to Dad. I miss him so much.

They are working on the plot and it looks like there will be two rows so hopefully I get one. They said they would call me when I can choose one but I’ll call in this week as I am always doubtful. I hope I’m not asked to choose one when I’m away as she said there is a lot of interest and it’s first come first served which sounds like she means competition but it’s out of my hands if that’s the case.

It must be a relief in some ways to have a diagnosis for Lewis. Your Dad visiting Lewis made me cry! That is such a special moment and something to be treasured.

I have no doubt that our dad’s are with us Lynne. I have not yet had Dad visit in a dream but I believe that he will visit when the time is right. I feel like I have changed so much and have the confidence to do things that I wouldn’t before and I really believe this is my Dad guiding me and pushing me along.

It is Father’s Day today. Similar to the 6 month anniversary I thought I wouldn’t be any more affected than every other day but I am. I wrote Dad a card, read it out loud and put it on the nightstand next to mum and dad’s bed at their house.

I have found things so difficult lately. The grief this week felt like a tsunami prob as I’m at a low ebb with back and worrying about mum too but she seems to be doing better already and I have good relationship with GP (she was also Dad’s GP).

I hope you are having a lovely time with your family.

Sending lots of love on this Father’s day. Keep going, our Dad’s would be proud of us.

Xxxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
I hope you’re finally over the virus. Sounds like it totally floored you. Aww and the back spasms must be hellish. Iv had that a couple of times over the years and couldn’t do a thing for myself. You don’t realise that all movement comes from the back. Hope you are on the mend.
We had a nice time at the caravan the kids loved it and weather stayed warm and mostly dry. Showers overnight which wasn’t a problem.
The dog was actually well behaved until we went to the beach. Two big bulldogs running around off their leads and kept coming up to Rebel so he was going nuts want to fight. I had a hard time controlling him. He was great in the car and caravan though.
Glad your mums results were all clear. Speaking to the GP was a good idea and the fact she has been through grief herself will make her more understanding of what you and mum are going through. Hope her medication helps xx
I’m still not sleeping and getting very agitated and crabbit. Just back from GP again with mum again, it’s a weekly occurrence had to come home after dropping her off coz I was biting the head off her……feel awful now but my life seems to revolve around taking her here n there, walking the dog and keeping her company. Nobody else filling the gap.
I hope your brother manages to sort out the holiday home and the legal process involved, it’s all very draining.
Dad visiting Lewis made me cry my eyes out but it’s also made me believe that dad is okay and that he is around us. Its nice to know your dad id giving you confidence and guidance☺️I hope we both have this kind of experience ourselves Katherine when the time is right xxx Lewis asked mum if she was going to die too….she just laughed and told him “hopefully not today”
That was a lovely gesture with the card for Father’s Day. I hope it helped you. I’m glad we were away tbh I didn’t think about it too much.
Can’t believe you are still being told the same thing about your dads plot months down the line. I hope you get where you had originally chosen.
I havnt been to any classes or swimming for well over a week now. I feel burnt out with lack of sleep. I was bkd for Zumba this morning until mum txt that she got a gp appointment. Which contributed to my bad mood.
I’ve got a sickness meeting tomorrow morning again, don’t know how long I can go on like this. I’m so sorry to hear you are also going through another difficult time. It just seems to come from nowhere and beats you down
It won’t be long now until you go on holiday and spend time with your nephew again. I’m glad you have that to look forward to.
Take care, sending love
Lynne xxx

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope you are well. I am over the virus and back spasm, what a rubbish month June has been!

I’m glad you had a nice time at the caravan. I love the sound of rain when trying to sleep in a caravan it’s so peaceful.

Sorry to hear about the off lead dogs chasing Rebel. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. My dog is quite shy and the number of times I’ve had dogs running over to her is unreal. People shout “he’s friendly” and I shout “she’s shy, recall your dog”. I remember being on a walk with my Dad and bellowing across the field for someone to get their dog much to my dad’s dismay .

Mum isn’t doing well at the minute. The GP thinks it’s a grief reaction but I think it may be cognition too which is incredibly worrying. We are supposed to go back to the GP in July but things have been very difficult. She is incredibly clingy and obsessively worrying, a
completely different person to who she was ten years ago.

It has been very stressful as nothing I say stops her behaviours it is like I can’t reason with her lately. She is back at her own house tonight as I told her I need some space. It isn’t good for either of us as butting heads. I’m not sure how she will get on, my brother is being supportive but there’s not much he can do on daily basis as he is abroad.

I know what you mean about life revolving around your mum. Its incredibly difficult to lose Dad and to have to step in and take on a much bigger role in supporting mum. It is difficult to feel this much stress alongside the grief. I feel very daunted by it.

I’m sorry to hear you are still not sleeping. Lack of sleep is dreadful it impacts everything. I hope you get your sleeping sorted soon, you will feel much better for it.

My brother sorted the garden at the holiday home. He was sending me the before and after photos and it just makes me cry. So much of Dad was there. He has sorted a gardener and started the process of informing the authorities and a new deed will be drawn up and it will be sold at some point.

I’m so pleased that you got that sign that your Dad is ok, Lynne. I don’t know what I was expecting but i thought I would have had something significant from Dad to say he is ok. I have had some subtle signs and I do feel him guiding me but no signs like I thought I might. I hope it happens.

I called into the office about Dad’s plot again. She said they will contact people in next two weeks in order of wait list. I found this quite frustrating as I have been enquiring since we lost Dad and no one told me about a list or took my name. When I called in two days after the work had started I think around May time they then told me there was now a list. I am not allowing myself to get worked up by it. Dad’s ashes are currently here at my house which I find quite comforting anyway. I want a place to visit but I know he would tell me to not worry about it. Fingers crossed I have an update for you soon.

I hope your sickness meeting was ok Lynne. I am still off work on an unpaid break. I will be going back but my break isn’t due to end until the end of the year. I asked for time off when I thought we would get longer with Dad and now mum needs a lot of help. The way she is at the minute I feel like work and trying to support her would be chaos. Hopefully I can get her settled before I go back.

Missing Dad a ton tonight. Not having mum here, it feels like old times like they are together at their house, except Dad’s not there anymore. I don’t feel like I’m handling things very well and feel like I’m letting him down.

We are going away to my brother’s next week. Hoping for a break and my brother will take on looking after mum for a bit. My nephew is three and he started school in Jan just gone (they go to school early over there). It is his last day of term tomorrow and finished for summer. Looking forward to seeing him next week. Hope some of this heaviness lifts, I’m sure it will.

I hope you are doing well Lynne. This grief is tough, keep going.

Sending love,
Xxxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
I hope you have a fantastic break at your brothers not sure if you are there yet but safe travels x
Aww that’s great your nephew is on summer break. You will have a ball keeping him occupied. 3 seems so young to go to school little more than a baby. I’m sure he will thrive

So sorry to hear your mum is having so many issues. Has she been to the memory clinic ? It’s a way of evaluating her memory and they should recognise if there is an underlying condition. How did she get on staying in her own home ? It’s been such a long time but I hope she maybe found comfort in being surrounded by your dads memories xx

My mums still soldiering on. I’m having the day off as it’s stoating down here. Mum and my sister are going to visit dads nephew who’s just became a papa. Another boy xx

Sorry to hear about all the hassle with the plot. You have been visiting them regularly surely they should have asked you to complete paperwork for a waiting list months ago I hope it all works out x

I started a course of strong antihistamines last night for the insomnia rather than take sleeping pills. So fingers crossed they work for me.

I’m sure your dad will not be disappointed with you Katherine. You can only do your best and you have stepped up and completed jobs that will make him so proud. Unfortunately neither of us expected our mums to be so reliant on us but I know it’s appreciated and I’m sure our dads will be proud x

Don’t be so hard on yourself.
Have a lovely holiday
Sending love & hugs xxx

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope you are well. We had a lovely break visiting my brother and nephew (and sis in law). It was incredibly hot in the 30’s most days but we were able to cool off. My little nephew seems to have changed even more since I saw him in May. He is very imaginative and happy which is what I need more of! They are coming to visit us in August and we will go over again for Christmas this year.

Things have been up and down with mum. The memory clinic came out a couple days ago as things were pretty bad before holiday. She phoned me from her house in a panic, didn’t want to take the meds prescribed and was incredibly anxious. My brother really stepped up and flew home to go to drs with us (two days before hol which resulted in memory clinic appt) and travelled with us back to his house. Since Mon mum has started taking the meds and so much calmer. I think she knows the alternative will be outside help. It’s feels unfathomable that I’m even writing this as mum had a job with huge responsibility and is the one in the family with least issues . If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry. We will hear back from memory clinic end of Aug but goal is the keep her settled and when shes not anxious she easy going enough.

Two days before we left for hol I got a call that I could choose dad’s plot! It was great timing as my brother was home (for mums appt). Got a plot facing outwards like we wanted with a tree near by, I’ll try and take a photo when I’m next there. We will get onto sorting the headstone soon.

I’m glad your mum is doing well, Lynne. How lovely that your dad’s nephew is a papa to a lovely baby boy.

How are you getting on with the antihistamines? I hope you are managing to sleep better. How is everything going for you?

I am missing Dad so much everyday and still cry most days. I miss talking to him so much, he will forever be my favourite person. I feel like I don’t laugh anymore, everything feels very serious and I feel like I am going through the motions in life. The stress with mum is not helping, my brother even looked emotional the other day when mum was having her appt. The only time I’ve seen him cry was when Dad was in hospice.

Going to do what I normally do to try and cope when things feel out of control. Back to the long walks, try and plan something fun and no doubt start some DIY…

I hope you are well. Sorry if message is mostly doom and gloom. Don’t know how or why any of this happened.

Lots of love,
Xxxx

[Lynne06]

Hello Katherine

I’m so glad to hear you had a lovely break with you brother and his family and the weather was scorching. I’m fed up with the rain it’s depressing after having so much lovely sunshine in June. It won’t be long until they are over in august. It’s good to have something to look forward to.

My antihistamines are making me sleep but still can’t fall over until after 3am so not great. Not taking them every night as I’m so drowsy the following day.

I have another meeting on Thursday with work which may be a final decision of redeployment or getting paid off. Still can’t make up my mind if I want to continue my career I just can’t make a decision. I feel I can’t return to nursing but don’t know what I want to do. I’ve gotten myself into a rut and don’t want to face anything or anyone. I feel the lack of support and contact from friends has set me back. Im not blaming them but I just don’t have any social interactions other than with my family and havnt even been going to my fitness classes the past few weeks. Im not helping myself and think I have sunk to a lower level of depression.

Sorry to hear of your mums anxiety, it’s a terrible thing. I hope the medication helps her through this difficult transition. And will keep my fingers crossed that the results from the memory clinic are positive. The move back home probably set her back as she’s been so reliant on having you with her since your dads passing.

Great news regarding your dads plot. I’m so pleased you will finally have that settled and will have a place to visit with some shade from the tree, like you wanted. I believe the headstone can also takes some time though.

I’m pleased to hear your brother has been more involved. It eases the burden on you slightly and it’s good to get approval on your choices.

My brother only visits once a week for an hour or so. Usually when my nephew Lewis needs an overnight stay with mum he’s company for her though and not any bother. Either on his iPad or he likes playing board games. And he’s such an affectionate big boy. So we all love his cuddles. He’s still obsessed with talking about death and misses his papa so much. He has asked mum some awkward questions which she avoids lol

Mum still has my dads ashes in the box provided she hasn’t mentioned scattering or planting them so I don’t mention it. She’s still plodding along continuously cleaning or doing stuff in the garden. She looks so frail it breaks my heart.

Anyway sorry for the doom and gloom. I need a holiday. I’ve usually got a few planned by this time of year. I saw on Facebook that my “friends” are going away in November. I’ve had no contact with any of them since the DentalGate saga. Good luck to them I say.

I hope you have a good week Katherine and I thank you for reading and responding to my depressing messages.
Take care xxx

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

I hope you are well. The weather is rubbish and it shows no sign of letting up any time soon. It’s been rain everyday apart from Saturday where I spent the day wielding the hedge trimmers around the garden again. Cut lots of it back but the rain means it grows back with vengeance pretty quickly. I hope you are having better weather but I suspect this might be a wash out for much of us.

I’m glad the antihistamines are helping you to sleep. It’s no fun being awake till gone three though. I am back to struggling with sleep again myself, lying awake and thinking of Dad. I’m not choosing to think of the trauma but my mind churns it over. If it carries on I’ll speak to Dr.

I hope your work meeting went well. It sounds incredibly daunting having to make a decision on your career when you are dealing with so much grief. I understand about the rut, I feel the same way.

I am due back to work in January and although it’s some time away it’s creeping up. I used to always be so focused and dedicated with work and right now I feel like I don’t care about it at all. I am telling myself I will go back but in all honesty I feel like running away. I worry how I will manage if I can’t sleep and feel sad etc. I don’t know why Dad’s loss has affected me so badly, well I do it’s because we were so close but I see other people being able to continue and I wonder why I feel so stuck. It helps me to speak with yourself as I know you are similar in terms of how the grief is affecting you, I’m grateful to have connected with you.

Mum has been much better, two weeks on the medication now. Dad wouldn’t like her taking medication when she has always been the one who is in good spirits but he isn’t here to advise so my brother and I are trying to support her the best we can. I still feel like I don’t know what the right thing to do is though, my Dad was always my go to person for advice.

I feel like the pressure off a bit now we have Dad’s plot, I hope we will have headstone etc by Autumn. Mum has been the focus lately though.

It’s lovely that your mum has Lewis for company when he visits. He sounds like a sweetheart and another connection to your Dad. I think your mum keeping busy is good in a way but would be great if she didn’t overdo it, we can’t make them listen sometimes.

Your friends don’t sound very supportive Lynne. It must be tough that they are going away, the dental thing makes no sense to me. I just don’t see what impact it has on them. Maybe book a holiday for yourself if you would enjoy it. I keep saying I will and as usual I don’t follow through, I never used to be like this.

It has been a frustrating week. Little things just adding on. Mum and dad have two vehicles,one being a van. Ive been so distracted that I haven’t driven them for a while (use my own car) and mum not driving. I finally came to start them and both wouldn’t start as they have been left so long. Got some cables to jump start them (never done this before) and managed to get the van going but other car still seems to have flat battery. Someone coming out to replace it today. All avoidable, need to get rid of at least one of the vehicles. So much to do.

I hope you have a good week Lynne and your work meeting was ok. I am quite low at the moment so again apologies for doom and gloom.

Always here,
Sending love.
Xxx

[Lynne06]

Hello Katherine
So good to hear from you as always.
I’m happy to hear your mum is doing so much better with the medication. It’s not ideal but if it helps it’s worth it. I’ve been on so many different tablets since dad passed but I’m not the emotional wreck I was for far too long so I’m grateful for the meds.

I hope you and your family have decided on a headstone. I’m sure that will be another difficult task for you all.

I bought a hedge trimmer a few days ago as dads hedges are sprouting continuously with this rain and it’s hard work with the shears. I managed to cut through the cable half way round the garden honestly I’m always “hashy bashy” as mum calls it. Luckily not all the way through so some electrical tape has done the trick couldn’t make it up !

Bad news about the car battery, but at least you got one with jump leads. You have become a Jack of all trades ,
I hope it’s fixed now. Are you going to be selling both car and van?

I had a meeting yesterday with sickness absence manager and HR I have decided to resign from my post. I can’t see myself going back any time soon so I think it’s for the best.
I feel a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders Katherine. I will continue to pay my nursing registration incase I decide to return to another post. The manager was in complete shock as she has known me for many years when she worked in the wards. She was lovely though and said I have (had) a fantastic work ethic and hoped I would return. Very understanding though.

Today I bought a big tin of white satin wood and have finally commenced my paintwork. 3 doors downstairs done. Unfortunately I have an open staircase in my living room so still 3 doors upstairs and all skirtings, door frames and staircase to go but I will probably have it done over the weekend. I’ve been putting it off for months. Probably when you done yours it’s daunting knowing wherever I begin I need to do every room in the house or it looks filthy
Following that I will need to hire a decorator to freshen up my ceilings and staircase. I’m far too messy and would end up with paint all over the carpets and furniture.

I feel better knowing I don’t need to worry about contacting my ward manager every week. Not sure I’ve done the best thing tbh but a Biden has lifted.

Not sure what date you go on holiday to your brothers but I hope you have a lovely time relaxing in the sunshine. Hopefully it will do you the world of good.

I hope you have had a better week Katherine x
Sending love

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

How are you? I hope you are doing well. Thanks for your kind words on mum, the meds seem to have really reduced her anxiety and I’m all for whatever works so that is a relief. It just feels odd to take on the role of having to persuade her (easier now I’m not having to) and I then doubt myself. It’s just odd, I’ve kind of taken over caring for her without even realising that mum and dad were kind of caring for each other when dad was still here.

We haven’t looked at the headstone yet. My sister in law is from southern Ireland and they have been on holiday over there for a couple of weeks. Hoping to get my brother’s input on it too so hopefully we will have some idea of what type of headstone soon.

I laughed when I read that you cut through the cable! I am like a bull in a china shop with many things and get stuck in with too much gusto so I can very much understand how easy it would be to cut the cable! Hope you managed to get the hedges sorted.

It’s like a comedy of errors with the cars, one battery dead and had to be replaced, the other I managed to jump start and then yesterday a screw in my car tyre so had to get that replaced today. Hopefully that will be it for a while. We will definitely get rid of either one of the cars or van. My dad always liked the idea of going away in the van and he set it up for basic sleeping. I love the idea of trying to fix it up into a camper as it only has a relatively small amount of miles on it. Possibly a project for me but would try and get my brother to help when he’s home, will have to weigh it all up.

I think you have made a very brave decision with work Lynne. I’m glad you have had that weight lifted from you and I hope your decision brings you some peace. You didn’t rush into resigning and you have clearly given it a lot of thought. You can always go back if you change your mind at a later date.

I am due back to work in January as my break was for a year. I don’t particularly want to go back, it feels like stepping into an old life that no longer exists. It sounds silly but the route I drive to work is the same route dad and I would go to his appointments when we thought he was recovered from the cancer the first time. The last time I was in the office was the day before I took him for that scan and we got that awful news and I haven’t been back since as I worked remotely for a month and was then told to get a sick note before taking a break. I feel completley dread at the thought of going back but maybe it’s just because I haven’t done it, I don’t know.

I hope your painting has gone well if you have finished it all. I know what you mean with needing to do it all. If I make an improvement it definitely shows the flaws and I am then compelled to do more!

It’s nine months today since dad died. I can’t believe it’s been nine months since I last saw him. I still feel daunted all the time but I will keep plodding on.

I hope all is well Lynne. Speak soon.

Sending love
Xxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine

Lovely to hear from you, hope you are well.
I’m been out shopping today with my side kick. Bought a kind of lilac/mauve emulsion for my staircase and landing. It looks cozy but hopefully not too dark. I need to get away from grey….my entire home is grey, bedroom, bathroom panels, graphite kitchen, living room…… all carpets silver grey too. I decided I wanted colour instead of beige, fawn or white. I hope I like it will need to get a couple of quotes for a painter/decorator.

The idea of turning your dads van into a camper is fantastic so many beautiful places in Scotland to visit and you can take the dog it would be incredible just running away from it all whenever you had the notion.

My notice is official. I resign 2 weeks today. It feels like a burden has been unloaded. I have no idea what to do after that date. Iv never been unemployed since leaving school so don’t know how to claim benifits or anything. Lol another thing to dread I completely understand you feeling daunted returning to work. Both you and I have been off so long. I went off in October when dad was admitted with fluid in his lung. I knew he wouldn’t have long. It will be 9 months for him also on the 29th. Time seems to fly by but then it feels like forever since dad was here

I have booked a wee last minute holiday with my friend Lorna, whom I went with in March. We are off to Sunny Beach in Bulgaria on Thursday for a week. Unfortunately my sister and her husband are leaving for their cruise the same day.

I’m a bit worried about leaving mum. She tires very easily but still won’t sit on her bum. We have been having a lot of trouble from her neighbours who have parked 3 commercial vans in front of mums home day and night. I parked at their home last week as nowhere else to go and the couple came chapping mums door basically telling me “to move my fckn car or it’s getting torched” I called the police but they did nothing.
I have since had to buy cctv for my home and my mums. It’s all very stressful there a no talking to these people they are completely unreasonable and aggressive, and think they own the street……

Ended on a bad note there, sorry about that x
Sending love Katherine
Take care
Lynne x

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

How are you? Sorry for the slow response, been doing my usual tactic of keeping busy as to not over think too much. Lots going on with mum still too, but we are managing ok.

How is the paint colour now? Do you like it? It sounds like a nice change. Another coincidence, I am also a grey girl! I too, got sick of the grey so painted dining room in almond white. That wasn’t enough though, I then decided I needed an accent wall immediately! Ended up with almond white on walls and then overtly olive on accent wall to give it a bit of colour. I like it and it’s brightened up the room. I seem to get an idea and it needs to be actioned immediately. I hope you are happy with your choice.

I really like the idea of the camper. Mum and dad used to take my brother and I on holidays to Scotland when we were little. We had a small caravan and I have the best memories of visiting the highlands, isle of mull, skye and gigha. My dad would take my brother and I fishing, I even had my own little rod. I have wanted to go back for the past couple of summers so maybe if I can rope my brother into helping I could get the van set up and take some trips up there next spring and summer.

I’m glad you feel that a burden has been lifted with work Lynne. What you have been through is life changing and I can understand how you wouldn’t want to return to your post. It no doubt feels daunting if you are a hard worker which you clearly are. I hope you can take some time for yourself and decide what you want to do. Maybe have a look online what you can get support with, claims can sometimes take a long time so good to have the info.

We have both been off a long time. I also went off sick in October as dad was admitted to hospital with dehydration and toileting issues. I was trying to work remotely at the time but felt like I was going to have a breakdown as I was having to leave during work when dad phoned as he hated being at the hospital. After having sick note on advice from work I then went onto a break. I wouldn’t have coped going back after losing dad, I hope in new year I’ll be more ready but I now have mum who needs support. Its daunting.

It’s great that you booked the holiday. If you are back home I hope you had a good time and some nice sunshine.

I understand about worrying leaving your mum with your sister going away too. Sorry to hear about your mums neighbours Lynne, they sound terrible. Police sound pretty useless too. Parking is always an issue with neighbours, not had anything that aggressive but had numerous run ins with people about parking.

My brother and nephew visited last weekend which was lovely. We spent the first day with mum then following day we went to the zoo, but mum had to stay home as she still hasn’t got hip replaced yet. My brother is in Italy for work in December and has invited me to tag along as I can just get cheap flight and hotel is sorted. It’s only for 4 days so hoping mum will manage, if she can’t then at least I will know that more support is needed. I have a phone meeting with work on Friday to talk about return so hoping that is all ok.

I feel quite apprehensive about the next few months. It will be one year on the 15th Sept since we got dad’s unexpected terminal diagnosis. We thought he just had a back issue in the morning and by 6pm in GPs office it was worst news I could ever hear. I feel like I’m reliving it all over and waiting for each thing to happen, the diagnosis, hospital admission, the chaos and then dad dying. I think I still have a lot of trauma from it all. I also feel like you, time flies but it’s like he’s been gone forever. Every detail is very vivid in my mind.

Dad would tell me, you can’t be like this. Don’t think of any bad thoughts or take any sadness with you. It still feels like I have no control over my thoughts with the grief though.

I hope all is well.
Sending love.
Xxxx

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
Hope you are well. How did your work meeting go ?I had to attend monthly and call in weekly, it’s was really daunting. I have officially resigned now. Awaiting my P45 then see what happens then. I’ve never been unemployed in my life, even had a Saturday job age 14-15. But I’m in no hurry. I can survive on my savings for a while if need be. I’m still struggling to sleep. Got prescribed sleeping tablets high dose but was awake till 8:30am this morning. Feel like crap tbh. I was supposed to be meeting old friends from the neighbourhood today at 1pm in Glasgow but had to send my apologies.
My decorator comes on Monday so looking forward to getting my painting completed. I have bought some mirrors and photo frames to brighten it up incase it’s dull but I think I’m gonna like it. Had a few tears picking out pics for my many frames, but looking forward to seeing them on the staircase.
I had a great holiday thanks. Our hotel was far from 5 * but location was perfect. Pool and sea view. Beach straight across from hotel. Usually sleep like a baby on holiday but still up most nights till 4-5am then up for breakfast and straight to the pool. Weather was fantastic and I really enjoyed myself this time.
So glad to hear you have a break booked for Italy. I took my mum to Florence for 4 nights many years ago. It’s such a beautiful country.
I havnt been down at mums every day as I’m so exhausted but we have been shopping a few times and up to see my niece and baby Arran. He is getting so big, that’s him 6 months already. I will pop in a pic.
I have signed up for 100 skips per day for cancer research in memory of my dad. Havnt got my skipping rope yet but joined up the group on Facebook and lots of middle aged ladies. Don’t think I’ve skipped since leaving primary school so should be quite a challenge but hope I enjoy it too. Havnt been at a class for months now.
Like you I am also reliving the scenario of dads diagnosis til death. He too was diagnosed in September and I’ve been off work since October. I still find it traumatising how rapidly he deteriorated…….
Another quiet weekend for me. I’ve been out weeding the garden again. It’s never ending.
Hope you have a lovely weekend and are making plans for the van. That would be something I’m sure your dad will guide you with.
Sending lots of love
Lynne

[Lynne06]

[Katherine86]

Hi Lynne,

How are you? I hope you are well. Sorry it’s took so long for me to reply. Its a strange time of year as everything a reminder of dad and the first anniversary looming next month.

Work meeting was fine, it was a bit daunting as I haven’t been in contact with them since I started my break. I will be returning in January so just waiting for another meeting to discuss further details. I think you are wise not rushing into any new job, give yourself some time and I’m sure you will figure out next steps and you will know when you are ready.

Sorry to hear that you are still struggling to sleep, I hope it’s improved now. I have bouts where I sleep ok but weeks where I struggle it makes me feel very low and can take a toll.

Hope the painting has gone well, the pictures on the stair case sound lovely. The holiday sounds really relaxing, I could do with a beach holiday! I’m looking forward to Italy, Florence looks beautiful I’ve never been there. Mum and I went to Rome a few years ago when she was more mobile and we had a great time, it’s definitely a beautiful country.

The photos are lovely Lynne, baby Arran looks adorable. Kids change so quickly,I notice with my nephew even in the space of just a few months he changes so much.

The 100 skips a day is a great idea! How have you found it? I would probably trip over the rope, I am so clumsy!

I’m sorry you are also reliving your dad’s illness. It happened at a similar time for both of us, the time of year is bound to bring it all back.

My mum’s sister (hardly ever see her and she upset me at dad’s funeral) text and said she was coming up to visit next week and when was a good day for mum and I to meet up with her. I dont want to meet up right now (she has no boundaries) so I told her that this time of year is difficult with the anniversary coming up but I’m sure we will feel better soon. She wrote back that she understood but then proceeded to say that my dad wouldn’t like us to be grieving so badly and heavily implied there was something wrong with it.

Then before I could message her back she proceeded to message my brother abroad to say she is very concerned as I said i was so low and we haven’t moved on and are still grieving deeply. This really irritated me! I hardly know her and I haven’t spoken with her in over six months. It isn’t coming from a good place but still makes me feel awkward. I am a people pleaser so I would normally meet up and grin and bear it but she isn’t a genuine person. I always come away feeling uneasy.

Anyway, rant over. I hope you are well. I am going to plan the Christmas trip to my brother’s tomorrow and firm up on dates for travel. I can’t wait to see my little nephew again, he is such a joy. The photos are lovely.

Keep in touch,
Sending love,
xxx

[Lynne06]

H Katherine
I hope I find you and your family well. Have you made arrangements for you Christmas trip ? It will be lovely with your wee nephew. The kids make life seem so much simpler & enjoyable.

Sorry to hear your aunt s being a bit intrusive, that’s elderly people for you, dust yourself off & move in culture…. My mums a bit like that tbh. Doesn’t understand why I’ve ended up leaving my job. But I’m not dwelling on other peoples stigma when it comes to my personal grief.

Baby Arran was dressed as Dumbo for Halloween and my great niece Olivia was Wednesday Addams soo cute. Didn’t get any pics of Lewis from his mum.

I have completed my skipping challenge and raised £692 in donations with gift aid adding £115 so it was well worth the effort. I’ve had a terrible chest infection, finally taking a course of antibiotics but not doing much good tbh. Really breathless following my skips, but feel I’ve done something positive at last. I dressed up as Samara (the ring) for my final day yesterday. Spent ages trying to get Halloween contact lenses in and out

Mum is still plodding along although I’ve only saw her every other day due to this infection.

Can’t believe it’s November already Katherine and almost a year since our dads passed. 29th for me where has the time gone

How is your dads plot coming along ? I asked mum yesterday what we were going to do with dads ashes, still awaiting response

I’m still not job searching and have yet to receive any benifits (the joys of working all your days and having savings) I have paid my nursing registration fee however incase I decide to continue.

Hope to hear from you soon. Sending love to you and your family

[Lynne06]

Hi Katherine
Hope you are well, as well as your mum and family. Hope you had a pleasant time over the festive season. Ooh just remembered you were going to your brothers. Hope you had a great holiday. How’s your little nephew ?
My Xmas was quiet but nice. Just all our wee family. I got a drawing done with my dad and baby Arran for my niece as a surprise gift. It was well received. Each of us has a framed copy.

Still not working, still no idea what to do with myself. I’ve got an appointment at job centre on Monday so may actually receive some benifits finally as my savings are dropping rapidly
Have you returned to work yet ? If so how are you managing ?
Iv had 2 nights out in Glasgow with one of my only friends. Actually had a great time on both occasions, stayed overnight, we had brunch, cocktails and lots of gin. no tears, so I’m getting there I think.
Mum is plodding along. Her mobility is getting worse but she keeps going. I take her shopping and out to lunch at least once weekly. Nobody else thinks to take her out in their car for a trip. My sister visits her frequently and brother maybe once weekly for an hour or 2. some thins never change.
Hope you aunt has taken a back seat and stopped interfering nothing worse than people stating their opinions on how you should be feeling and coping. We are not all the same, as I found out the hard way.
Anyway just a wee message to let you know I’m thinking of you and hope all is well
Sending love
Lynne x