Hi Katherine
Sorry I havnt been in touch, I got back from holiday on Tuesday night. Had a lovely relaxing week apart from first day hitting the all inclusive bar and falling apart with grief. Other than that night it was an enjoyable holiday. Think I’ve put on at least a stone in weight 
.
Hope your mum is well and that you both enjoyed your brothers visit.
Me & mum weeded all her back garden yesterday including all slabs dad laid. My back was breaking so god knows how mum feels today. Laid bags of grit around flower border and weed control fabric. waiting for my brother to collect her bags of pebbles/stones. Had a visit from a robin and two white feathers so think dad is pleased with us.
Still contemplating a gym membership but can’t find the motivation.
I’ve got an occupational health meeting on Tuesday I’m going to ask to be seconded to a clinic or treatment room or another post outwith the hospital ward. Still can’t bear the thought of working in that environment. We will see what happens. I’m on half pay now 
I hope you are getting in well with your decorating and mums renovation is coming along.
Sending love and hugs x
Hi Lynne,
No worries at all. I’m glad you had a relaxing holiday, hope you had lots of lovely sunshine. It’s good to indulge when on holiday. I haven’t booked a holiday yet, thinking I might do a short city break first and see how mum gets on with watching my dog. We are waiting to hear about hip replacement still so when I go will depend on that too.
My brother didn’t make it back unfortunately. My sister in law’s mum was diagnosed with lung cancer in Jan and sadly passed away a couple days before he was due to come back to visit. He is now coming home at the end of April so we will go around mums house with the builder then and hopefully have some idea about the refurb.
It sounds like you did a great job on your mum’s garden. Your dad will definitely be pleased and watching over you both, I have no doubt.
I spent yesterday doing gardening too. Mum and dad’s garage is filled with all of his tools so had the hedge trimmers going and took 5 bags worth of cuttings to the tip. Still have more to do and need to power wash the flags but its a start.
I understand the lack of motivation! I am still doing my walking but it’s definitely not easy like it once was. If I get my fitness back I might also consider gym at some point but I don’t feel in the right mind frame yet.
Asking for a different post sounds like a good plan. You have had time to think about it and if you don’t feel like you can work in palliative environment then something new might be good.
Lovely to hear from you. I hope you are having a good Easter.
Sending love.
Xxx
Hi Katherine
So sorry to read of your brothers mother-in-law passing. SO sad, she didn’t get much time either, much like our dads.
Weather wasn’t the best in Lara beach had a few windy and overcast days, but still got a golden tan and felt pretty chilled. Resort and hotel were lovely.
I’m sure you will enjoy a wee break when you are ready. It really did do me good.
Until I came home
Glad you are getting into the garden and making use of dads tools. I’m sure he’s watching over you and proud of your independence.
I didn’t realise how much hard work it was. Mum and dad always weed with tools where as I’m more of a weed killer kinda woman. My legs and back are aching lol.
My dads garden shed has things I can’t even identify lol but I have made use of his tools also. Needs a good clear out to see exactly what’s there. He was an awful hoarder so no idea what lies behind Lewis’ (my nephew) bike and scooters.
My brother graced us with his presence yesterday to help mum dig out an old bush with deep roots we couldn’t manage. He’s never been very hands on tbh. Has no imagination or initiative. We got him to move a couple of slabs for steps at the shed entrance for mum. His wee boy Lewis looked really worried and said
“are you okay dad ? I really think you should stop now …Your face is awful red.” Tears were blinding me.
David could barely lift a single slab he’s 36 yrs old and 6”2.
Dad was 5”7 and 82 yrs old and lifted like 60 slabs from a car/van from front of house up 4 steps down the side of house down 3 steps and laid everyone of them himself. Told Lewis
“papa was superman, 
” and he really was 
Katherine 
Finally got my decking overlayed Friday and Saturday when it was dry and sunny. Raining today again as usual so I’m feasting on Cadbury Easter eggs 
Sending love & hugs Lynne xx
Hi Lynne,
I hope you are well. Thanks, my sister in law’s mum didn’t get long at all. She was diagnosed around Dad’s birthday in Jan and then passed away around three months later. It’s terrible how this disease can take people so quickly and without warning.
I’m glad you had a relaxing break and the resort was nice. I used to go on a few holidays a year but haven’t got back into it after COVID and dad being unwell. I might try Turkey at some point, I went to Istanbul years ago but haven’t tried the resorts.
I do feel like my dad is with me especially when I’m doing jobs that he used to do like the DIY and garden. Your dad’s shed sounds like my dad’s garage! I nearly bought some secateurs but didn’t know which would be any good so thought I would check the garage and there was everything that i could need and more. Not sure what we will do with all of his tools, at some point we may need to clear some of it out but i can’t face it right now.
It’s good that your brother helped out with the garden. Your dad sounds like an incredibly strong man, Lynne. My dad was the same, working full days in his garden in France in June despite the cancer that we now know was causing the pain. I wish that my brother was more like my dad as i think I would find it comforting but they are not very similar at all. I am like my dad and my brother is more like my mum in personality.
I am still finding the grief completley disorientating. I had a week or so where despite the sadness things almost felt manageable but since Friday it’s back to that searing sadness and I feel very low and crying about dad at any moment. I know that the sadness will probably lift a bit and I’ll get back to maybe feeling ok again for a while but the unpredictability of it all is exhausting.
It feels quite absurd that my default setting is now settling for only feeling sadness and being grateful and relieved that it’s not the excruitating sadness that comes over me like this last weekend (I don’t know if that even makes any sense). Will it ever get better and will there be joy again…?
The weather has been terrible today, none stop rain. I still took the dog out for several walks but think I’m having an impact on her when I’m bursting into tears. 
Hope you enjoyed the Easter eggs. I am going to have some chocolate and a coffee…and I wonder why I don’t sleep very well!
Hope you have a good evening. 
Xxx
Hi Katherine
I completely agree with your assessment regarding being grateful for the times you are not in tears. Sometimes I feel some joy, then when I realise, grief hits me like a train
Your dad and mine had so much in common in so many ways. I guess completely different lifestyles though but same work ethic. It makes me smile to read your replies as they relate so much to my own. Even the brothers sound similar.
I had meeting with occupational health on Tuesday. Someone I’ve never spoken to before. Felt ok prior to discussion. But went over the full story AGAIN from diagnosis - death, with all the fights with medical staff in between. I cried so much I could hardly breathe. I felt like I was back to square 1. That’s why it’s taken me so long to reply, my apologies Katherine
2 of my “friends” are going to gym and swim tomorrow at Hilton health club a few miles away so I am tagging along and will get a membership. That’s the plan anyway, although I’m already making up excuses for not going. I’m gonna need to force myself making the first step. Then I think it will get easier for me. Not fit at all and hate the gym but may just make use of sauna and pool and aqua aerobics.
I’m not a great swimmer but really enjoy the water as it relaxes me (and you don’t sweat) 
. Dad swam like a fish and taught me how to dive and swim underwater when we went abroad as kids 
I need to do this. I keep telling myself
More for my mind than body tbh but I’ve gained so much weight by overeating and hardly moving.
PS Tesco has boxes of 5 cream eggs for £1 so I have a full shelve in fridge full 
I forgot to ask how you like your flooring ? After all the hard work you put into sanding and painting surrounds.
Sending love and hugs
Lynne xxx
Hi Lynne,
I hope you are well. Its helpful to know that it’s not just me who is still struggling with the grief, although I wish neither of us were in this situation. The last couple of days have felt a bit easier, we have a weekly call with my brother which makes me feel a bit better as I can talk about dad. I cried for the first ten mins of it yesterday but he is used to it and I do feel better releasing the emotions. To be honest it’s probably good that we are different as I think I would find it difficult if he was as emotional as me. Sometimes just getting the thoughts out provides a bit of relief.
Yes, lots of similarities for us both with our dads which is nice as when you talk about your dad it reminds me of something similar that my dad used to do or enjoy.
Never worry about replying, I am always here but life gets in the way and I know the grief is enough to be coping with some days. I’m sorry to hear that it was upsetting talking to OH. I hope you are being supported and you can find another role that will suit you.
The gym sounds like a great idea, totally agree about the water being therapeutic. The classes can be a good way to meet like minded people too. Taking the first step is always the hardest. My brother has suggested I try to get into running. He said its different walking which I enjoy and will give me a good focus and goal. My dad would tell me not to run as it will wear out my joints 
everyone has an opinion but once I get my fitness back a bit more I might try a “jog”.
The flooring is nice, I feel like get one thing done and it makes me realise what else needs doing. I need to get some plastering done at some point and replace windows at the back but mums house is focus first. My brother is coming for a visit on April 28th and we are going around my mum’s house with the builder so we will hopefully have some idea about her refurb then. Their house needs clearing out, there is so much stuff in it Lynne, like dad’s garage but the house is like that too. Going to try and start sorting there as it will need to be done for refurb. It’s overwhelming and upsetting!
My brother and nearly 3 yr old nephew are coming for a visit in May too which I’m already looking forward to. I had booked the safari park for him when they were coming back in April but they let me move it to May after my sis in law’s mum passed. The weather is supposed to be better this coming week so going to get stuck into clearing shed and sorting garden. I am trying to focus on the positives like looking forward to seeing my nephew etc.
I hope you enjoyed the gym and spending time with your friends.
Have a peaceful weekend and speak soon.
Xxx
Hi Katherine
Hope you are having a peaceful weekend.
So nice you are going to have your brothers around. And spending time with your wee nephew will be great. It’s a joy to have kids around (unless they are having a tantrum They have such a different perspective of life. Everything is a fun adventure. I’m sure he will love the safari park.
I remember mum & dad taking me and my sister when we were kids. Dad drove through the chimpanzee area and they were jumping all over the car. One pulled of his Ariel and he was going balastic Then he drove into the lion enclosure and his car started backfiring. The lions backed up at first (probably scared as it sounded like a shotgun) but then they surrounded us. The safari jeep had to come and get us out safely. Me and me sister crying in the back seat, dad losing the plot and mum just trying to calm everybody down. Not the best adventure I can remember but a memory I will never forget none the less.
I’m glad you love your new flooring. Like you I have so much to do indoors. All ceilings need freshened up and staircase needs redecorated. Doors and skirtings all need painted, unfortunately my staircase is in the living room so once I start painting skirting I will need to basically do the full house so ignoring that for now. My back garden is almost summer ready so I’m pleased about that.
Mum has cleared out most of dads stuff from the house already as she never stops finding things to do. I don’t envy you that task
Dads shed is jam packed. Will go through that at some point hopefully with my sister. Think he has at least 2 of everything. So many fishing rods/reels/equipment/spinners/flies he cared about his fishing stuff and was one of the last things he was fretting over. Don’t know who will get what. My brother-in-law used to take my niece and nephew fishing after dad taught him as a young man but nobody goes now
My brother was over at mums today so he took her to garden/aggregate centre to buy new stones for garden surround. So we managed to get that all down today and she appears happy (for now) it’s looking nice just need slabs jet washed. Dads needs a connector. She wanted my brother to clean the surround of her bay window with some miracle foam but he’s now sat on his arse with over exertion due to lifting 12 bags of pebbles
I completely agree with your dads view in running a wise man (but I’m so lazy)
I still havnt been to livingwell gym/swim/class. I made an excuse not to go on Friday no swimming cap and hate my hair getting wet with chlorine (which is true as I have really thick long hair that takes forever to dry and tame) I feel so anxious about it Katherine. Think I’m too used to just being in the family bubble. Strange how much my personality has changed I’ve always been very outgoing and fun. Now I’m dull, boring and have anxiety issues and just want to be alone mostly.
Take care
Sending love and hugs xxx
Hello everyone
Just feel compelled to send this message. My grief is getting worse and it is now several months since my husband died.
We were together over 50 years and I feel so lonely still and don’t know what to do. I know you are all in the situation and I feel sad for you all. Does it ever get any better or do the tears go on for ever. Family seem to be coping better and their visits to me are getting less. I don’t blame them. They have their own families but I am so lonely. Does it get any easier for us.
Love to you all.
Carol
Hi Carol
So sorry for your loss. You must be completely lost without ur husband after spending so long together. That’s completely understandable. I lost my dad 4 and a half months ago and still get distraught almost daily. My family are all moving on with their lives while I am stuck in limbo.
I havnt had support from my friends. I did have 4 bereavement meetings with an counsellor but felt I was just reliving dads death over and over again. my friends thinks I should be back at work to “get into a routine” i can’t even consider nursing others while my grief remains so raw.
I have no idea if things get better but I do know the more time moves forward the less people think of your loss.
I hope you find comfort from this forum. It has been a godsend for me to know there are so many others who understand me.
There are contact numbers on here you call call someone and speak directly if you feel the need
Take care of yourself x
Lynne
Hello Lynne. Thank you so much for your reply. It really does help. I just feel so sad and alone after being with Geoff for over 50 years. I feel so lonely still without him. I did communicate with others on this site at the time and it does help me but none of the pain is going away yet and I feel lost. You do all help on this site and I am really grateful. Love from Carol
Hi Lynne,
I hope you are well. Weekend was ok, thanks. Got most of my shed cleared with numerous trips to the tip. I also cut more off the bushes but don’t have a bloody clue what’s a plant or a weed to be quite honest. I’ll have to get someone to take some off the trees at some point too. It looks better though, would like to get some kind of covered pergola or something at some point as I like sitting outside with my dog even in the cold weather. Won’t be able to get it all done at once though.
I’m really looking forward to seeing my nephew. They do have a different perspective and bring so much joy. When my nephew was here for my dad’s funeral we were playing before hand and he was dancing around and I was trying to make him laugh, even though it was desperately sad, he didn’t understand and just wanted us to have fun.
Lovely memories of your time at the safari as a kid! I remember going and the monkeys pulling the wipers, I love animals so if that happens, so be it.
The house can feel overwhelming when there is so much that I want to do but I will just keep chipping away at it. I don’t blame you leaving the skirtings for now. The thought of decorating always seems alluring then once I start I wonder why I’ve bothered as I quickly lose patience.
It’s good that your mum has sorted a lot of the house. There is so much for us to clear it will be a huge task, so again, we will just chip away at it. It’s a very strange feeling going through a loved ones things. It just makes me feel like dad was here one min and gone the next, it’s like it’s all just waiting for him to come back it’s very upsetting. I don’t like throwing anything away with his handwriting on even so I don’t know how it will go clearing out, I think in that instance mum may be better at it than me.
I’m glad that your garden and your mum’s is summer ready, all we need now is some warmer weather. Hope your brother managed to clean the window surround for your mum!
I know what you mean about personality changes. I feel like a completley different person to the one I used to be. It feels like a past life and person I no longer know when I think of how I am now compared to last September before I knew dad was ill. My friend text me again the other day asking to meet up, I said I was still struggling and very up and down and she said to just let her know when I was ready. I know i need to make the effort at some point but have no desire to. I am sure we will both know when we are ready to do more.
I got a book that was recommended to me by someone today Megan Devine… it’s ok that you’re not ok. Going to try and read it when I’m in the mood, last thing I sometimes want is to be reading about grief but have heard some good things. I’ll let you know if it’s worth a read.
Mums at the physio tomorrow, it was cancelled last month on the day she was supposed to go. Not sure what physio can do when she needs a new hip but I’ll take her anyway.
I hope you have had a good start to the week.
Sending love and hugs.
Xxx
Hi Carol,
I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband.
I lost my lovely dad last November and I am still struggling with grief. Some days are much worse than others but it is a constant sadness.
My mum and dad were married for 50 years, I am trying to support my mum but she feels very lost as they were never apart.
There are people here who understand and can offer support.
Love,
Katherine xx
Hi Katherine
You seem to be doing very well in the garden and your dads hedge trimmer has been well used. You must be quite the expert by now. Like you I have no clue about plants or flowers. My garden is full of artificial flowers, plants and trees my dad would just shake is head 
The chimps were so mischievous at the safari park when we were kids. I’m unsure if you still drive through their enclosure. Quite sure many ppl will make claims for car damage these days.
I hope your mum got her physio, to me it also seems pointless though when she’s awaiting hip surgery.
My brother didn’t clean mums window surround (no surprise there). He has handed in his notice with NHS (ECG technician) and is starting a dog walking business in May. The exercise will either kill him or do him good. Not the most energetic guy tbh but hope he does well.
I’m so glad mum cleaned out dads things in the house tbh. I definitely wouldn’t have thrown anything away, and would have found it completely overwhelming.
I havnt seen baby Arran for over a week so planning to go visit tomorrow, probably with my sidekick mum.
The book you are reading sounds interesting. You can let me know how it goes. I’m not sure I’m ready for that but on the other hand it may be beneficial. I will stick to thrillers until you get back to me on it.
I actually went swimming yesterday evening with one of my friends”after putting it off for so long. I actually quite enjoyed it, once I managed to address the anxiety and get myself there. I am just back from step class this evening too. I’m not very healthy my face was purple and blood pressure through the roof, but it felt good to make an effort. Luckily there was another 2 new girls so I wasn’t the only one struggling to keep up and find my rhythm. It was hard going but I’ve booked a class for next week.
I’m at mums now, she was making dinner for us as I walked the dog.
I hope you are more settled in the route you walked your dog with dad ?
My friends are meeting up on Saturday. We had planned to ho to Ayr for the Scottish National (during the lunch we met) but it’s fallen through so it’s a house party. I will go and hopefully get a laugh but obviously watch my alcohol intake. You will know when you are ready to meet your friend for a coffee. I’m glad she is being persistent xx
Sending love & hugs
Lynne xx
Hi Lynne,
Thanks. I think my mum wonders if it’s a grief reaction as I have personality type where if I focus and get into a task I can be very productive (possibly obsessional) but on the flip side I can easily lose interest too, so flavour of the week is the garden! Will see how it goes.
The artificial flowers and trees sound like a good bet, they look very realistic these days. I quite like a wild looking garden, my brother is into growing veg etc in his but doubt I’ll get to that stage to be honest.
I’ll let you know what we see at the Safari, it felt like ages away when I rescheduled it but only a month until they visit now. My brother sends me videos of my nephew on his little bike going to school each day which is a nice pick me up. When we have weekly call tomorrow I’ll arrange when I’m going over there for visit too as his birthday in June (3) and I would like to visit around then.
I think it’s great for your brother to start his own dog walking business. Lots of demand for walkers and groomers and would be nice to be your own boss. I hope he succeeds, I’m sure he will.
It will be lovely to see your neice and baby Arran, I bet he is changing all the time. I haven’t picked up the book yet, I have to be in the right frame of mind and with keeping busy in the day only time is before bed and that’s when I tend to feel the grief to be heavier when it’s quiet. I will let you know if it’s helpful.
It’s great that you went swimming and to step class. It’s always so difficult to make a start but often feel better once it’s done and a sense of achievement. I have been sticking to doing my long walks. Some days I manage it with no problems but othertimes the tears come. I was listening to podcasts or music but I think I need to be careful with what I’m consuming as something simple like a song can change my whole mood. I always feel better when I’m active so I’ll keep at it.
It will be good to meet up with your friends on Saturday. I think after my brother’s visit in May I will start catching up with people again.
Mums physio was ok, thanks. It was 40 min drive away and he gave her some simple exercises and said to book back in with him in two weeks. I think it was pretty pointless but I don’t want to discourage her as she still feels very lost without dad. Will talk to her more tomorrow on call with my brother as I think she is better getting hip done privately and sooner rather than later.
I hope you are keeping well. I think it’s great that you are swimming and doing the classes. It is motivating and encouraging to know we are both trying to keep moving despite missing our dad’s.
Sending lots of love.
Xxx
Hi Katherine
How are you doing this week?
I had a good night with my friends but had too many gins and broke down (as usual). I did tell them how I felt they have let me down basically since dad went downhill. No point talking behind their backs. They were apologetic but at least I’ve aired my feelings. Had bad days Sunday and Monday though. After effects of the alcohol put my mood at an all time low again. Back to step class tonight though and legs burns and tums tomorrow (if I can push myself)
Everyone else in the family is doing okay. Mum remains constantly cleaning. She would have a ball if she visited me.
Baby Arran is still tiny and wearing newborn clothes but filling out and gaining weight appropriately he’s a wee darling xx got some strength in his neck. He’s always turning his head completely to left and right and stares at the light fitting all the time. I wonder if he sees something up there. Perhaps his pappy calling for him it’s a nice thought. I look at baby Arran and think how much my dad is missing out.
I Can’t be happy for being sad
Not long now for your family visits. I hope you all have a lovely time catching up and filling the days. It will take your mind off things for a short spell & I’m sure you will have lots of smiles, laughter and great memories to share about your dad.
Like you I need to do things when I take the notion otherwise it’s a non starter. I will eventually get round to getting a decorator to freshen up all my ceilings and staircase then might tackle the paintwork (or might just get the decorator to do it most likely) once it’s done it won’t need a coat for a few years. May as well get it done properly I suppose.
I seem to be taking more frequent palpitations not sure if it’s due to increased medication, anxiety or cardiac related. I’m going for an ecg next week and awaiting blood results. My brother has arranged a 24hr monitor also (the perks of working in cardiology) Mum and dad both have heard conditions and both have stents, dad took an MI 3 years past in November. So im a bit concerned coz I’m pretty sure my pulse is also irregular, causing more anxiety. GP thought it was regular though but at least listened to me and getting tests carried out, for which I’m grateful.
Sending love and hugs.
Hope all is well with your and your loved ones
XXXX
Hi Lynne,
I hope you are doing well. Sorry for the late reply, my brother has been visiting for the last few days.
I think it’s good that you told your friends that you felt let down by them. There is nothing worse than bottling things up as it leads to resentment or at least that’s how it can go for me.
I hope you are enjoying the classes still. I think it’s great that you are pushing on with it. Arran sounds like such a joy and no doubt your Dad is watching over you all.
My brother’s visit (this one without my nephew) was nice. He flew over and we went round mums house with the builder on Saturday. I don’t know what’s going on with mum we are back to clashing again, mostly her being passive and me ending up getting frustrated.
Mum very much relied on my dad and he was kind of the “leader” with everything so she isn’t used to making decisions and since dad passed away she is reluctant to make decisions or even think for herself it seems. Anyway, we went round with builder and it would basically be a complete re-do of inside and would cost a large sum of money. The funds are all there so after going round the house she said she definitely wants to go ahead so my brother and I were thinking that was the plan.
The builder isn’t available for 12 months I said no problem you can stay with me as we know you will be back there eventually. She later told me that she has no intention of doing the renovation and will go back there with just bathroom done (shower not working). It was highly confusing and frustrating so after the usual … Why are you telling us you want it done if you have no intention of getting it done back and forth I told her again that I like living alone and she can’t live with me permenantly.
It was always agreed she would get hip done and house sorted and go back home. I used to see them everyday anyway as they live five minutes away but my brother thinks she will keep making excuses to stay here. It’s very difficult and confusing and stressing me out, I don’t want to care for her because she doesn’t need it she is just unwilling to do things herself as my dad has always made decisions. It might sound a bit uncaring, but I would always help her but she has so many options and chooses not to take them, it’s so frustrating.
I hope your ECG is all fine Lynne. You have had so much going on that it could well be anxiety or stress related. It’s good to get the tests and make certain.
I feel like all I’ve done in this reply is complain about mum! It sounds like just little things but it’s constant, I raised it with councellor and she suggested that when she asks me things for reassurance my attention is validating for her so she will keep doing it. Not sure what will happen with things moving forwards.
My brother and nephew are back again on 17th which will be safari, looking forward to it. I am going to book to go over and visit them in July too and will leave mum here with my dog. 
It’s pouring rain today. Going to still try and get out for some walks.
Hope all is well.
Sending love
Xxxx
Hi Katherine
Hope you are well. I’ve not had a great week. Been bursting into tears again randomly I’ve no idea why this is happening again. It’s over 5 months now since dad passed surely the worst of the grief should be over ? Apparently not
So sorry to read that your mum is becoming more reliant on you, it can’t be easy. I have lived alone most of my adult life and cannot imagine having mum here 
I don’t think it would end well. But she’s only a few streets down from me which is close enough. Perhaps she just doesn’t want their home changed too much and just the necessary work done ? Or am I clutching at straws ? It’s putting you in an awkward situation. Your brother will be back soon with your nephew so would be an idea if he chats to her privately face to face to see what’s going on. While you enjoy your nephews joy.
I had my ecg today and advised it was fine I am currently wearing a heart monitor for 24 hrs to return tomorrow so I may be overreacting with the palpitations but it sure doesn’t seem like it.
My friends and I decided we would book a holiday for November when I last saw them. I said if we go to Antalya area in turkey I would get veneers while there. 1 of them is completely against it saying it will ruin her holiday. Told her my dental appointments would have no impact on HER holiday and there’s 5 of us going m. She is not going now. Then another one states that she is not going on holiday to look after me. I was speechless. Never known anyone requiring nursing intervention following a dental procedure. Needless to say Iv not replied to their ridiculous demands as they have burnt their bridges with me. It is no great loss as you know Iv only saw them twice since dad passed and have other friends who are more supportive.
The messages all occurred on Saturday so don’t know if that’s why Iv had such a horrible week but I really do not need friends dictating to me.
I have cancelled my gym membership (luckily with 14 day period) because it’s both of them who are members. I have joined north Lanarkshire active and can use all facilities within the the county.
I’m off down to mums again to take the dog a walk as he is playing up again and urinating all over the house when mum doesn’t give him biscuits and cake (actually lifting his leg on furniture in bedrooms and living room) unbelievable but true. She has no control over him and he basically takes the piss to tell her who’s boss.
Speak soon Katherine
Sending love
Lynne
Hi Lynne,
I hope you are well. I’m so glad that the ecg was fine. There has been so much stress and I really think it takes a toll on our bodies and can definitely manifest as physical symptoms. I hope the palpitations settle down.
The holiday sounds like a good idea. I am debating going somewhere over the anniversary of losing dad or thereafter, but it would probably need to be after as maybe we will do something as a family on the day. My mum and brother don’t seem to notice the passing of months since losing dad in the same way I do. The 15th of every month is a stark reminder of another month passing since I saw and spoke to dad, the one year mark will surely feel significant for them too though so I’ll plan for after that.
I have no idea why your friend would object to you getting veneers on your holiday? If she is of a nervous disposition I could maybe understand if it was just the two of you going, that maybe she could feel apprehensive but if it is a group I just don’t see what impact it would have. It would be nice if they were happy that you wanted to do something for yourself after everything that’s gone on.
I don’t blame you on cancelling gym if you don’t want to be seeing them. Hopefully you can still do classes at the new one if you still want to. I hope your mum’s dog is behaving better! They sense everything, I’m sure my dog knew that dad was ill and that he had passed away.
Things have been better with mum this week. My brother had a talk with her and we discussed renovation at the family call last week. My parents were both very frugal and saved money but it also meant that they didn’t spend money on maintaining their house as the years have gone by so now it needs a lot of work. I think so much has happened with dad suddenly leaving that mum and I in particular are still just struggling to process it all. I still don’t know how he died so quickly. My brother tells me that it happens and I know that but I have a logical mind and I look for explanation and I suppose also I kind of need to understand why something happened and with this there aren’t any answers.
We are having another meeting this week and she will have had time to think about the renovation. I think she is now more likely to go ahead but if not full renovation we will get it fixed up so she can go home. She knows that she has to eventually and I think it will be good for us both but it doesn’t need to be right now.
We got a letter through inviting us to memorial at hospice for dad and other patients who have passed away. There is no way I would go, I think about dad every day and don’t need something like that to remember him.
I’m sorry you are struggling with sadness Lynne. Easter felt brutal for me and since then I’ve felt on an even keel and more able to manage but still find myself bursting into tears. This weekend has been like that, I miss dad so bloody much. I think it is very normal and don’t see this changing anytime soon but maybe there will be longer stretches of it feeling more manageable?
I’ve been doing 7 miles walking each day. Been a bit of a disaster as tried jogging but knee played up (I think I didn’t stretch enough) so now the walking hasn’t been as enjoyable but it’s getting better again. Did my long walk this morning but pouring down, started going over field slipped and fell flat in the mud! Had to put clothes in washer soon as I got back. I can hear dads voice telling me…don’t run it will ruin your joints and why am I out walking in the rain. I can never be told!
I hope you have had a good weekend and you come to some conclusion about the holiday either with or without your friends.
Sending lots of love. Hope we get some sunshine soon.
Xxx
Hi Katherine
sorry for the delayed response. Don’t have anything new to tell you. Feel like I’m stuck in a rut. My emotions go from sad to sadder and I’m spending more time alone. Havnt seen mum today at all and spent the day in my pj’s doing nothing. Went to 3 classes last week. Legs bums n tums, aqua fit and tried yoga (it’s not for me). I’m booked for 2x Pilates, 3x aqua fit and a step class this week which gets me out the house. Also going with my only friend who has always been there for me. We are helping each other and I’m keeping her off alcohol.
Told the others I won’t be going on holiday in November and won’t be dictated to, Lynn not happy to be pulled up on her tantrum but I cudnt care less any more.
My ward manager is expecting me to call weekly now (for past 6werks or so) which is making the situation more stressful as I have nothing to say from one week to the next tbh. It feels like the pressure is on to return but I don’t know if I want to continue nursing, it’s a big decision. I would rather they pay me off and take the decision out my hands.
You are doing great walking 7 miles per day. I cudnt help but laugh about you falling in the mud though 
forgive me 
. I’m sure your dad will be shaking his head regarding your running and thinking “she never listens”
I’m glad your mum is being more reasonable about the work that’s required for her home. It’s a big change and I’m sure she has become more dependent on you. As has mine, hence why I’m having the day off. I will take her a shopping trip tomorrow though somewhere different and go for a nice lunch (guilt).
My brother and 9 yr old nephew Lewis was over at mums yesterday, it was a beautiful afternoon so we played games in the back garden. His dog walking business has went off to a hood start.
Had lunch with mum, my nephew, my niece and baby Arran on Thursday. He’s still so tiny 
My sister and her man are in Lara beach for a week enjoying the sun.
I hope you have a fantastic time with your family and get a holiday booked soon. You deserve it so much, it’s been a very difficult 6 months for us both and with Father’s Day round the corner it’s another hurdle to struggle through
Take care of yourself
Hope you have had a nice weekend
Sending love & hugs
Lynne xx
