I’ve come to appreciate that unless I am prepared to move forward and do new things I will never be able to live with my grief without it dragging me down. This means either doing the things that we used to do together, but now doing them alone or finding new things to do.
Doing the things we used to do together can be painful, but at the same time is a way of keeping in touch with old friends as well as the memories.
I have also found that doing new things can be difficult and at times upsetting. Maybe it is doing something that we would have done together, but never got round to, which makes me feel regret that we won’t get to do those things.
It may be something that we wouldn’t have done together, that I didn’t get to do when my partner was alive. I have found then that I feel as though I am leaving my partner behind and it is some way a betrayal. Or that I am being critical that I only got to do these things now.
I know that many friends and family are telling me how well I am doing because I’m taking on these activities, and with all their encouragement I find it hard to express to them how difficult I find it to engage with these activities.
@Wisteria I understand where you’re coming from. It’s 15 weeks since I lost my husband to cancer. I have been trying to keep busy as this helps me to cope if I’m distracted. But I understand what you mean about the turmoil of emotions. I have been doing some things around the house and going out with friends and family. But I am constantly thinking would my husband approve, be annoyed, think I’ve moved on etc. I’m torn between trying to be strong and build some sort of life and feeling guilty for doing so. I’m sure it’s part of the grief journey. Take care.
Absolutely it does! I feel exactly the same. Things we did, things we should have done, things he’ll never get the chance to do. It’s never ending. It’s bloody exhausting at times trying to work it all out lol.
Nearly 6 months for me and did my first camping trip without him, in our campervan. Loved it, had a great time. Today I feel a bit off, is best way to describe it. A bit irritated that I have to do it without him and he doesn’t get to do it with me, irritated that he’s gone and I’m left to deal with this crap, I feel he got the better end of the stick and feeling a tad pissed off about it all.
I agree @Ali29 , what were the small “man jobs” hubby did, have now become big “man jobs” – I don’t know where to start. And it does become irritating (pissed off)
Making all the decisions, doubting whether I’ve made the right decision?? Feel I’m trying to climb up the down escalator totally out my comfort zone!
Doing my best, the house is still standing, and I’m learning it’s up to me to get my butt in gear.
I have still got to finish sorting out the second bedroom. It’s where he kept all his stuff. You can now see the bed and the floor but just can’t get any sort of interest in going in there now most of his stuff is gone. This had to be done when my brother and sister in law were here after his death and the funeral as I was not physically able to reach or manage most of it. I am lucky I can call on my next door neighbour for many of those man jobs. He is like a neighbourhood resource surrounded as he is by 2 widows and a divorcee but he doesn’t mind. His missus loans him out willingly and he has all ready fixed a stuck padlock and wobbly loo seat for me. This certainly alleviates the problems for me so I can concentrate on learning to cook, use the dishwasher and washing machine which my husband used to do. I miss him so much
I have 2 bedrooms to sort out full of Keef’s stuff. My daughter is coming over tomorrow to help because when I started to sort out books etc I just got overwhelmed. My aim is to have the second bedroom properly sorted by Christmas so that my son will be able to stay, I think it’s possible. I too have various friends who have helped me with a number of practical tasks. One friend comes most weeks in order to sort out my front garden which has enabled me to make headway with the back garden. Another friend fitted a new light for me on the landing. It is nice people want to help, but I’m not very good about asking for it! Still I did one first today. I decided to go to the hairdresser’s and have now had my waist length blonde hair chopped off to just above my shoulders. It was a drastic thing to do but it has made me feel a lot better.
It’s strange. I had a haircut too. Not as drastic as yours. But it does make you feel better. At some point I will have to sort out the dvds and CDs. We have literally hundreds. As they say no hurry. One day at a time.
Well the second bedroom contains all of his CDs and books, most of which I will probably give away to like minded people. He had a lot of strange books (he was a druid) which I know I will never read plus some questionable CDs!
Fascinating. Did he get to Stonehenge? Such an interesting religion but I agree a bit specialist. My husbands will be easier. He had wide ranging taste in music from Gregorian chants to heavy metal
He visited many standing stones, often dragging me along. We have always kept our music separate as I have a lot of classical music, which he wasn’t really into even though he did like listening to me playing the piano, and bands from 70s onwards! I’ll probably keep his punk and prog. rock CDs as they hold many fond memories. Because of his religion we had a very different thingy (funeral). It was at a natural burial site and people were told to not wear black. Although, obviously, very sad I felt that what we did fitted with his beliefs and hope that he would have been pleased, mind you I think he may have been shocked by all of the people who turned up because, as he often said, “Nobody really likes me!”.
We have lots of standing stones down here in the west country. The one thing my husband insisted on at his funeral was that albatross had to be in the music selection.
We did visit many places in the West Country and he also went on a few outings with his pagan friends. The music for his “thingy” was made up of a Mix-CD which he made me once when he went away and consisted mainly of punk music.
Hi @Wisteria
I think I get where your coming from. I actually kept up with the things we liked to do together. It was hard at times but it paid off in the end. I also took on new pastimes but eventually felt I was overloading myself in my need to prove I was still coping with my life. Lockdown stopped some of these and I then found that I was at my happiest concentrating on the things I was familier with. Now I think I have a balance and feel content and that I don’t have to prove anything to myself or anyone else.
I would say stay in your comfort zone and what gives you some enjoyment,
P xx
A lot of that makes sense. I’m also finding I have a tendency to overload myself in an effort to stay busy and stop sitting around and having too much time to think.
My husband and I both loved Fleetwood Mac. Albatross is a lovely choice. I chose Landslide for my husband’s funeral and it was also very moving. I too live in the West country.