Hello, I have spent 2015 caring for my terminally ill husband he was diagnosed in December 14 with cancer and I tried to make him smile each and every day. We married in March 15 through a charity and had an amazing 1950s style wedding. He passed away in November 15. Three months after I suddenly lost my mum. Some days I feel strong but others I struggle. It would be lovely to hear from others who have travelled a similar journey x
Hello - I want to welcome you to our Online Community, I really hope that you will find comfort from joining us. What a terrible time you’ve had, losing your dear husband and then your Mum. You must be finding it so strange not having either of them to talk to, and to share your thoughts and feelings. Your wedding last March sounded as if it was a wonderful day - I expect you have some special photos from it! Please take care of yourself - I am thinking of you. Kind regards, Jackie
So very sorry to hear of your loss of your mum and husband it must be devastating. You are in the right place here amongst people who understand. Take care. Hugs Libby xx
Thank you Libby and Jackie for your messages. I do find it hard but have my dad to look out for and guide him through his loss. Some days are better than others. I am trying to get away this weekend for the first time on my own - massive step.
Hi, you are strong. Believe in yourself, take each day as it comes. My first trip on my own went well and just like you I felt it was a big ‘ask’. It was to visit our eldest son and his family. It went well but I do remember how I felt. My thoughts will be with you. Take care. Blessings
Thanks x It’s good to hear from others who have taken the same steps x
Hello. I am currently going through the 2nd anniversary of the sudden death of my husband so I am feeling the raw grief that you are experiencing just now. It is is not an easy or straight road but little things combine to make bigger things and one day you find you are coping. Some days you can even chat happily to the lady behind the till and you are making eye contact again. Take care and be kind to yourself. Xx
I read your posts last week, and I was wondering if you did go on that weekend away and how you found it?
Thinking of you.
Thanks for your message x
I did go on the weekend, drove there myself, stayed in the hotel solo, but met with friends on evenings out. It was hard at times but also enjoyed solo time reflecting on the last few months.
That is good to hear! Well done, you took a big step, and I’m glad you enjoyed it, even though it was hard at times.
I lost my dear husband in November 2010 and am still lost. I have also had to cope alone with getting my 93 year old father I to a home. I am exhausted and grieving but have booked a much needed break in Australia later this year alone. A big step if I get on the plane! Doing anything like this us a huge step and I wish you well, I certainly could not have done it so soon. Your husband will be with you I am sure.
I have been away on my own to the Holy Lane for a week and yes you feel lonely and sad. And for me I just wanted to get back home but I would not have missed doing the trip and seeing the sites and having the wonderful experience. It is something you need to do and experience because we cannot sit and cry all the time. Getting to the airport and being brave is what makes us strong and our husbands would want us to be strong. Take him with you and don’t worry people are very kind to women on their own. It is all part of this long journey we are on. Enjoy what you can and relax as much as you can. He will be watching and helping, my lovely husband is always there and yours will be. Blessings.
I hope you don’t mind me dropping in, but I just wanted to see if anyone had a moment to respond a member on another conversation?
Rachel is coming up to the first anniversary of her husband’s death and is struggling with feelings of guilt. You can read and reply to what she has written here: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/nearly-year-has-passed
Well done to all of you for going on and planning your trips away - you should all be very proud of yourselves.
Thank you so much for your reassurances. I did go away for a few days 2 years after I lost my husband, to the island we went to twice a year because our friends from there invited me to their home. I went so I could be surrounded by people I knew and who understood me and I asked for some time on my own one day and on that day I retraced our steps and visited our sights and was able thereafter to look at our photographs, which I had been unable to do since I lost him. It was healing but I came back and two days later had problems with my father which were ongoing up to today 4 years later. I feel I want to take this once in a lifetime opportunity because it relates to my husband in a way. We went to speedway all our lives, even before we were married, and I present a trophy in his memory at my local track each year. The first person I awarded it to was a young rider who happened to be Australian. He and I have become friends and I sponsor him and have met his parents when they were in UK. I got an invitation to his sister’s wedding in Australia in April to which I could not go but I am going in November. So although alone they are only 25 minutes away and I shall spend time with them, but the rest of the time a woman alone worries me a lot. I am strong but I could not get further away from home could I? So many worries here - someone living in our home to look after our cat, someone calling on my father in his care home, all had to be arranged before I could even think of booking the flights and hotel.
I know I must do this: my friends want me to see their country and repay me for the kindness I have shown to their son, and he wants to show my his country. I hope I manage to get on the plane.
I have a five star hotel so I can have room service if I do not want to dine alone and I am travelling business class so I have the responsibilities of travel cared for by someone else. I know my husband will want me to go and have this adventure but I am trying to forget about it all now.
Just to wish you good luck on your trip. You are being very brave but remember if you can cope with losing your husband and looking after your dad you have already done a lot. My husband died suddenly 2 years ago last month and I have a 90 year old father who is currently getting good ‘care in the community’ but it is only a matter of time before I have to look at other options. Anyway just to let you know I hope you have a good break - deep breaths at the airport - I am sure you will cope and I hope you actually relax and enjoy it. Your husband will be with you every step of the way. Good luck. X
Thank you Ev for your kind words and advice. I go to see my father most days. He is blind too which is doubly difficult for him. The Home is good but I go to check on him and what they are doing. They are always losing essential belongings etc and I am constantly complaining. There is absolutely no rest.
I am practising deep breathing, which in the Co-op till queue is looked at suspiciously!!
I have cried all over Scotmid and Marion was always running after me to give me Daffodils so don’t worry about deep breathing! It is a relatively small village so people were kind and I just kept crying. I found the kindness of strangers quite humbling compared to some of my so called friends. Good luck with you dad. I know from other people that the nursing homes are not great at keeping the belongs of people with the right people. Good luck xx
Yes, whe the lost his pager (which I supplied so he could contact someone as he has no idea if he is in a room with 1 or 51 people), I was furious. A member of staff took it home over the week-end leaving Dad without support. All I seem to do is complain which is draining.
Yes strangers and new friends are kinder than those who are “long-standing”.
Good luck in your hunt for the next level of care for your father. All homes seem excellent until something goes wrong. Be wary and aware.
Thanks and you take care. I have meeting with social work people tomorrow re his care so we will see what comes from that. I don’t have the energy for all this anymore and feel guilty about how little quality time I spend with him. Anyway just you take care. Xx
I know exactly what you mean. Dad is 20mins away in the car but I am missing from home for 3 hours as I use the car wisely and shop en route home after the hour I spend with him (much of which is sorting out problems the home has caused). I used to visit 3 times a week but now it is once a week as I have home and garden etc to look after with no leisure time at all for myself. Sometimes it is 8 at night when I sit down and then I am too tired to cook a meal having worked all day. There is guilt all the time isn’t there? Good luck with Social Services, be clear about what you want your father to have in a Home.