Newly bereaved

My Darling husband died in March after a short ten weeks in hospital, we were married for 47 years , All I feel is total devastation, can’t see how I can go forward with my life without him, I feel so lonely , my 3children try to help but they don’t understand how I feel , what am I to do ?

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Hello
It’s so very early yet for you.
I’m two years down the line and it’s still raw and stomach churning.
The difference is I have learned how to manage my grief better.
This comes through support of like minded people who have also lost loved ones and just the knowing that I am not alone with these horrible feelings.
My grown up children were devastated by the loss of their father and I think that they both feel like they lost me too. I worry about them.
We can only go forward and be brave.
There has been unexpected help and new friendships formed from my reaching out and getting involved in pre- Covid bereavement group sessions.
I would recommend that you accept every invite whether you want to or not, however big or small and distract yourself from the loneliness and upset.
My days vary now. Sometimes I’m on top of my emotions and can get positives out of being outdoors with a friend or chatting on the phone. Other days the sadness is too overwhelming and I just want Peter back.
As I said though this is very early days for you so just take it one hour at a time, deal with everyday things and put yourself and your needs first, second and third.
I send love xx

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I am only 2 months in but I feel like you about my children. They are both young adults and it has obviously turned their worlds upside down. My daughter is trying to complete her finals and my husband would never have wanted to cause this distress at any time, let alone now. I also think that it must be like they’re losing me too as I feel as though I am just a shell. We were together from being 16 and his death was sudden and unexpected (we are still waiting to find out why) so it was a massive shock. I just don’t know how to forge a way forward when he was my everything.

Thank you for your message , I understand so well the problem with moving forward , David was my everything , I feel lost and so so sad , all I want is him back and coming to terms with the fact that he isnt is so hard to bear , Your children like mine must be grieving too and although I try and put on a brave face the pain and hurt makes me selfish , Oh God please tell me it gets better ?
I do hope you get some answers soon about the cause of your husbands passing , It must be twice as hard to make sense of it all

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Hi Jules
I also had been with my husband since we were both 16/17 and his death was sudden without warning or illness. We had been together just a few months short of 40 years.
There is no justification and it’s very difficult for acceptance of his death to take place. I just can’t.

I’m not the same person anymore. In some ways I’m stronger and have had to become more independent and make decisions on my own. In other ways it’s a constant struggle fighting back the sadness and portraying a brave facade.

If I’m honest my girls can, unknowingly, make me feel incompetent and useless because I can’t fix this. Peter could never have imagined his family would end up in this boat. X

I know what you mean - my husband would never have wanted this for his family. We were a close family, my daughter was very much a daddy’s girl. We rarely fell out and we were looking forward to more couple time as the kids flew the nest. I am absolutely gutted for him, me and the kids that he won’t be here to see graduations, other milestones and the retirement he worked so hard for. I’m not sure how I can ever come to terms with this.

Yes that’s the thing isn’t it! All that they have lost! That’s what is gut wrenching about it! We are here, we carry on in some fashion but all their hopes and dreams disappeared in an instant!
I feel so sorry and sad about that.
You both probably spent your lives building security for the future like us and showered love on your daughter. My daughters were both daddy’s girls too.
He was a fantastic husband and father and I wish I had realised it more. I knew I was lucky and just took it for granted. We had our ups and downs along the way but always overcame life’s obstacles together.
The house can be both a comforting home and a stark reminder of what’s gone.

It’s such a big hole now to edge around. Occasionally I jump in and face the grief full on. Other days I walk around it and try not to look in.
X

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I agree about the house - it used to be a home, now it’s painful at times and comforting at other times. What’s worse though is that to get anywhere in the village, I have to go along the road where he collapsed and died, it’s a couple of minutes away from the house and it just makes me think about that evening when we went to look for him and found a road full of blue flashing lights. Me and my son were too late although we saw him on the ambulance. We grew up in this village and it had such happy memories, now I can’t go anywhere without memories of him and us.

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That is just heart wrenching! Life is so cruel. I wish I could ease things for you.

I got a phone call from the police while I was putting tea on to say that Peter had passed away in his office at work and to go there before his body was removed.
I called my girls in a state of shock and we had to drive the 16 miles in disbelief.
He was on the floor of his office. Air ambulance couldn’t save him. We just didn’t know what to do.
We cried and held him and then had to drive back home traumatised.
The world changed.
X

I really do feel for you , what a terrible end you had to experience , my husband was sent to a hospice for final days care , he only lived for five days and was not conscience for any of then , my son and I were by his bed side and in my arms when he passed away , how do you get over that and carry on with life ?

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It’s so hard isn’t it. I said goodbye as he went out on the run but I didn’t think it was going to be THE goodbye. I just wish I’d been there for him but my friends and family said that would have been more traumatic. I just still can’t understand how a normal day can change your life for ever.

I feel that I would have gleaned some comfort knowing I had been with him in his last moments instead of him being all on his own. My friends have also said that it would have been worse to have been there but they can’t understand how awful it is not to have been with him.
He was to all intents and purposes an extremely fit man. Strong and a mountaineer. I was so proud of how he looked after himself and wanted us both to be healthy.
The coroner said he’d had a massive heart attack but couldn’t find a cause. Just pure bad luck. This makes it harder to bear.
X

My husband took his fitness seriously. In fact, his fitness targets always finished with to have a long and happy life with me. He’d had COVID before Christmas and took some time to shake it fully but was gradually improving his fitness again. He always wore a tracker - which they haven’t bothered to look at - and was very aware of his health. I am just hoping that they say it was something that could not be foreseen. It just seems unfair when people who take their fitness seriously don’t get to live past 50.

Totally unfair and hard to fathom.
Some people live hard, unhealthy and risky lives and live out a full life span.
Others strive to be strong, healthy and fit and still succumb to disease, terminal illness or sudden death.
I have to stop trying to justify it as it sends me crazy. X

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Life it seems is so unfair , and we are always going to ask WHY , he our husband’s fit and well and then tragically they pass away , how can we justify this ? I ask this question every day , when do the tears stop ? When am I am going to be able to say his name without feeling utter devastation? who can help me? No one ,unless they can bring my darling David back ,

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I know and it’s awful. We will survive this though. Somehow. It doesn’t seem possible at times but we will.
Today has been difficult. Tomorrow… we will see xxxx

I have found refugeingrief.com a useful site. It’s written by someone who lost her partner suddenly so she understands. She has written a book as well which I am gradually reading.

I’m also reading Its OK That You’re Not OK.
The site is good and you do feel like she knows what she is talking about.
Give it a go! X

Hello @Ithaca
I’ve read this book. I couldn’t put it down, it helped take my mind off my grief for a while. It’s reassuring to know we build a different life around our grief and that we can laugh and smile one day without feeling guilty and that we will have fond memories of our loved one instead of this gut wrenching pain we feel every day when we think about them. I cant even look at his photos they make me cry. I hope you lije the book.
Amy x

Yes - that’s the book that I’m reading too!