no christmas or happiness for me.

last December Jayne had 3 weeks holiday owing so she had 3 weeks over christams and new year at was great having my baby Jayne with me 3 weeks.little did we know at the time that Jayne had cancer.i just enjoyed being with Jayne cooking her meals and generally letting her have a relaxing time off work.see Jaynes job could be stressful at time,she was a senior customer service manager and much being able unwind was important for her.i know its not till next month but I know even know that I will not be ok over the festive period,having seen Jayne every Christmas for 28 years.i wont be celebrating or wanting presents off anyone.i will try treat the nieces and nephews a little but I will be dead inside without my best friend lover and soul mate Jayne.Jayne loved Christmas she always spent loads on relative,she loved treating the nieces and nephews she loved them all on both sides of our families equally as not looking forward to Christmas as its the only week of the last 28 years when I was certain to be spending quality time with Jayne.she was my world,and is the most important person ever to come into my life.And deep down all I want is to be with Jayne.

Same here, i shan’t be doing anything Christmas…in fact it fills me with dread, all i want for Christmas, yes remember that song, is my Richard back but back in the good health he once had, which was just before we moved from our lovely house in Bedfordshire to here in this unhappy home in Dorset where i thoroughly regret now ever leaving our house behind but as i keep mention, it was my PP-MS diagnoses 11th April 2015…plus the irony of all this is that my Richard also passed away 11th April just four years to the exact date, later…
Even as i type i am asking myself how on earth am i getting through each day, well i havnt a clue, i just go to bed, get out of bed, start my usual morning crying, and talking out to whoever is up above and to Richard…my life now has become a " groundhog day " existence…and not an existence i am wanting, asking for nor enjoying…I am so lonely, so frightened, hate this emptiness, no sounds, no conversion, no movements from Richard nor our dogs anymore…


Christmas is going to be painful. I will put up some decorations and try and watch a few things on TV. I’m grateful for what I still have left. I just hope the weather will be good so I can get out for walks. My parter has a habit of raising a toast to absent friends and family on Christmas Day. I hope he does not do it. I suspect I’ll just be glad when it’s all over. I’ve even though of volunteering, but I’m not that close to a town. Just walking around the shops and seeing the Christmas decorations brings me pain. My Mums favourite Christmas card had robins on them. Of course, they are everywhere.

I’ve been my mothers carer and constant companion for the last 23 years, which is why it’s painful.

Morning daffy,

I’ve had a bad weekend. So many tears. It would have been dads 75th birthday yesterday. Mum and I would have mentioned it, maybe had a quick chat about him then had a nice lunch or watched some tv. I still cant believe she is also gone. This morning I woke by 6am and just registered the pain of another sunday without her. The quiet coming from downstairs where her rooms are.
I am so dreading xmas. Mum made it so much fun and her and my daughter did the decorations every going to have to step up and be there and it’s going to be so hard. I dont know how I’m going to carry on without her but I was lucky to have her till 48 and I am desperate for my daughter to have me into her 40s as well and to enjoy a relationship with me as she gets older the way I had with mum.
Funny enough I’m not actually dreading xmas day. By the time I’m cooking with a glass of wine and watching tv or playing board games I know it will go so fast and be over before we know it. It’s just the build up of adverts, xmas songs and general cheer. It makes me feel sick.

Well one question would not take long to answer, as the well known Christmas song goes…" all i-we want for Christmas is…" you can forget about my-our two front teeth…


I know how you feel,this will be my first Christmas without my lovely wife Christine,who I sadly lost in July 2019,but I have to try and stay strong for my married daughter.

I just don’t feel like celebrating Christmas without my wife here with me,we were married for nearly 40 wonderful years,oh we had are ups and downs,like all marriages but we over came these because we loved one another so much.

I feel for your sad loss.

Best wishes

Mike X

Mike and to All…
…it is now hitting us harder as we crawl up to our first Christmas without our beloveds…Our country, our world is full of couples and close families at this time of the year, it is just heartbreaking when we find we become a single and have no family near, or no family left at all…

For twenty years ( we met in our later life years ) i have only known being a couple, i feel so so lost without my Richard, he was my rock…I am never going to get used to being back to this single life…this is not the way this was meant to be, we should be growing old together, benefiting and making the most of our retirement years…we were both robbed of this…


It’s hard and painful isn’t it. Mums 75th is in a couple of days. I really can’t believe she did not make it. I think she’d be astounded too. I don’t know what I will do on her birthday. Yesterday, I attended an All Souls’ Day at the local church. The vicar who will be taking Mums funeral said he mention mums name, so of course I went. I’m don’t normally attend services, although I have faith. It was lovely, but very hard to sit through. A sort of trail run of the real thing. I’m glad I went, but life has suddenly got very strange. Some beautiful music came on the radio and then came the tears. Triggers come out of nowhere. I wonder when disbelief will pass.

my husband Alan passed 19th May last year, I am approaching my second Christmas, last year I didn’t write or send any cards, received many that went into a drawer, no presents bought, nothing g to show it was christmas. Even my trip to our butcher’s was emotional, first time since we married 50 years previously I did not buy his piece of pork, he always insisted on a lean piece of pork to complement the capon, I made a roast capon dinner for our son, daughter, Winston (her pug) and Ada (my pug) the tv didn’t get switched on at all, lunch was like having a Sunday lunch, we did play a game of monopoly afterwards with Alan’s Manchester Edition. we eventually had Christmas dinner on his birthday in February. last christmas was the first christmas I had spent without him in over 51 years, 1 was 16 when we had our first christmas together, we met when I was 15, our first New Year’s Eve was that same year when I became 16, my birthday is New Year’s Eve and last year was the first I’d spent without him in over half a century. never lived alive until he passed away last year, so have endured several firsts in one great whammy!

we all cope with Christmas as best we can, this year the tree will still remain in the loft I’m still unable to decorate it alone, we had a ritual, a ritual still all too raw to even consider. Still taking everything a day at a time,

I wish you all as best a time as you can make for yourselves given our circumstances, and…

truly hope today is an improvement on yesterday and tomorrow is an improvement on today


1 Like

I don’t know daffy. I guess it’s because they left us so suddenly. If they had a degenerative disease and we watched them waste away it might be different. Apart from 11 days of illness mum was fine. And even in those 11 days age still did some cooking, sat and watched tv, did her sudoku puzzles and talked about our holiday etc.
There was no sign I was about to lose her and I just cant accept it. Its been a very bad weekend x

1 Like

meant… never lived alone… not alive as printed…

meant… never lived alone… not alive as printed…

I am really struggling today with tears. I miss Ed so much and cannot stop thinking of him. I feel nothing is going right and that God must hate me for some reason. I found a wasp in kitchen and tried to pick it up with kitchen paper and I got stung. Burst into tears feeling so sorry for myself. Couple of friends have not been in touch for weeks and feel bitter about how they have a good life and not interested in me anymore. It all seems so pointless in trying to get on with life. But I have two grown up sons who need me. I won’t do anything silly but I do hope that my life is not long so I can leave this misery behind and see my lovely Ed again. This site helps me so much. Thank you.

Hi Lizzed

I feel for you,thank you for reply,life can be so cruel,please try and take each day as it comes,it’s not easy,I cry inside everyday missing my lovely wife,life will never been the same but I know she wouldn’t want me to be upset everyday,and like you,your partner he wouldn’t want you to be blaming yourself,I know it’s so hard,I agree this site does help.

I only joined yesterday,you are not alone in your feelings,your sons need you even more so now,Ihope you start feeling better soon best wishes Mike X

It’s no different. Watching someone you love slowly die is hell on earth. Whether it’s sudden or over a length of time it’s still deeply traumatic. Those memories of pain and suffering and knowing there is nothing you can do for them will stay with me to my dying days. I knew what was going to happen but the pain, confusion and anxiety is still hard to understand. These bad days are awful.
God bless

1 Like

Thank you Mike for your kind words. We are all on the same journey. Hopefully it will get easier, never better but not so painful.
Liz x

agree 100 percent Pat.losing a loved one is traumatic what ever the circumstances.
just wish id gone with Jayne.

Yes of course and I wouldn’t have wished anything like that on my mum. But 4 months on and I’m still in denial and cant believe she has gone. For me it’s because she went so suddenly, dying after a routine operation, expecting to come home the following day. I can’t accept how she was sitting watching tv and having dinner with me one day and snatched away the next. If she was very ill I might get comfort that she was no longer in pain or suffering but mums life was great and she still had so much more to enjoy.

My emotions to death and the loss os my Richard aged 74, my partner of 20 years is all over the place, the going through the emotions of bereavement…I am fighting to keep my trust in God even though i have called out to Him, why did you take him, he was a good man, why did you take him…" he is still needed, still wanted, what do you want him for, why did you take him away from me…I feel so angry that the only person i have, i had, was taken from me…
No i cant do Christmas, I wont do Christmas, it was only last Christmas i got a small tree in, decorated it and said to Richard, " I am getting a small Christmas tree this year, in-case this is this will be our last Christmas together, the way things are going…" well it was - and it is…