Their conscience is pricking them because they know they haven’t done enough to support us !!! X
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Yeh we were same … jusr happy with each others company ! I loved his company and i didnt need anybody else ! So thats what makes it hard doesn’t it ? Because we have to somehow reach out to other people when normally we would be ok in our loving bubble of marriage or partnership … ;( xx
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I’ve found that people don’t mention the person because they think that it will be upsetting and somehow remind you so they try and distract and be over holly, not realising that the pain and thoughts are always inside you. What I have done is mention the person, bring them into conversation, talk about them, things they loved it said, or even when asked why I hadn’t been back to a place I will just say well I spent a lot of time there with Allan so it has been very hard for me to go there, I’m thinking about it and may go this summer, I will see how I feel, this gives recognition to the feelings inside and helps people to understand more of what you are going through
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@Caroline2 yes I too bring my husband into conversations but it’s like it makes other people uncomfortable. They brush over it and change the subject and they never initiate these conversations. Is it just me?
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Hi Jan, people who are real listeners should care about what is going on inside and welcome you to speak about it, this has happened to me too and it feels awful but the real friends want to know and will listen and really try to understand your inner world big hug
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Mmmm … if they care enough to try and understand … i find people to be very insensitive personally … obviously you had a better experience than me of human beings x
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No its not just you ! I think people are just silly ! You know what a lot of it is laziness ! Some of my neighbours been really good, but family ! Huh so many swear words i could use for them !!
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@Deb5 yes me too. I’ve had a few people who have been brilliant but others that I thought would be a great support are not.
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Hi folks
All I can say with this utter devastating situation we have found ourselves in you certainly find out who you friends are
I don’t need one hand to count who are there for me paul passed 24th July 2022
It bloody hurts
Couples just don’t know ‘in time’ what will hit them
I aren’t coping at all and realistically I doubt I ever will
Paul like all on here was my rock and I’m in pieces
Take care folks
Xx
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Hi Jan, i can empathise with you totally. I do think at times they don’t know what to say incase in upsets. I find if i talk about my departed they either try & change the subject or if it’s i’m upset i just get, " oh they don’t want you to be like this, they’d want you to carry on & be happy." Well yes of course thats true & i know it but it isn’t as easy all that is it? Also you want to express your feelings but i think they can’t cope with it. So know when asked am i ok i just say that i am, even if i’m not. There just isn’t any point 
.
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Morning Scamp1
So true what you say
I’m having counselling and my counsellor has said right from the start never say your fine when you aren’t
So with that I say to folk
I’m finding it hard or
I’m struggling
I’ve got to say it’s the persons problem we are talking to if they carnt respond
We aren’t like this cos we want to be we all know our partners wouldn’t want us like this
But that’s how deep the heartache is
One day these ‘folks’ will realise this……
Xx
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@Scamp1 exactly! I really don’t understand people. Most of them act like my husband didn’t exist. Like you say I’m sure it’s because they don’t know what to say or they’re worried I start crying. When people ask how I am I tell the truth, struggling. Take care
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Early on my friend?? and neighbour of 40 years offered coffee at hers a few times but she still has her husband which made me uncomfortable and I declined. A prize bingo - as “it would be fun & WE needed a laugh”.
The odd text but usually asking to borrow or being a nosey neighbour. . Never an offer of help.
No contact at all now - - all I can say is thanks a bunch!!
G. X
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Hello all my grieving friends…
10 months today for me…
So that question. How are you?
At the begining I used to say (weakly) “I’m okay” and shrug my shoulders.
And more often than not I’d get the reply " Oh that’s good then" !!!
Did they really believe I was !!!
So, then I went through a period of telling the truth, but found that no one else really wanted to hear that, so lots either stopped asking all together,
or worse (I think) then interrogated me with more questions like,
“Oh, why is that?”
“What happened today then?”
And you just want to shout…
BECAUSE HE’S STILL DEAD.
WHY DO YOU THINK?!!!
So for now, I’ve gone back to a simple ‘okay’.
Which I usually quickly follow with “How are you?” (so I can’t get response “oh that’s good”) and they can just talk about themselves.
It’s just so completely EXHAUSTING having all our grief feelings, without having to explain them too.
What I really, really wish is people would just say, " I know you’re not okay, so let me give you a hug "
So… that’s what I’m saying to all of you.
I know you’re not okay, so I’m sending virtual hugs to you all 
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First of all, I can’t imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry you lost Ian!!! I lost my mom, who was one of my best friends, about 6 weeks ago, and I have been struggling some with grief
What makes it worse is that people who I thought were close friends are not reaching out to me when I have told them numerous times that I am struggling. I was very distraught about a week ago, so I looked on the internet and found an article written by a clinical psychologist explaining this situation. (That’s when I joined this group.) For you, it must be so painful!! Our culture does not deal with grief well and for lots of reasons people avoid death. It’s NOT YOU. These people in your life might not know what to do or say, but I think that that is a lousy excuse. For me simply stating “thinking of you” goes a long way. I am sorry for the loss of Ian.
I can’t put the link of the article on this post, but maybe you can find it. The website has the word “cake” in it. Consider professional help as you navigate this difficult journey. I have. Thinking of you!!!
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I am so sorry for your loss! Grief is a biological response and doesn’t ever totally go away, but we learn to maneuver the grief so we can live our life. A year is not long!! A close friend of mine is still feeling the grief of losing her husband after nearly two decades. An article I read by a clinical psychologist had stories of people acting badly after someone died. It sounds like it is common. It sounds like it has happened to you! People on this forum care about you and this is a great outlet for us. I lost my sweet mom, one of my best friends, and it has been difficult. Thinking if you!!
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Afternoon Bess, yes it is them that have the problem but how great it would be if just one person had the time & wherewithal to just listen. Just sit with me or on the phone & hear what i had to say. Whether that’s talking of the goid times or the bad, crying or not crying, just let me talk. When i say i’m down cos i’m really struggling without them, don’t do the oh you’ve got new memories to make now. That may be so but at that moment in time, i’m upset cos i won’t be making any new memories with them, they’ve gone! I still have flashbacks which are awful. Yes, i’ve had counselling & that’s alright but not there 2am when i’m distraught are they? When i’m struggling with my own disabilities & now alone with that. Can’t talk it through & have them make me feel better & supported, reassured cos they’re gone. Somehow have to get through alone. She always kept me grounded when i went off track & was just so there all the time. I could rely on her totally & ask her things when not sure etc etc. So saying make new memories then, isn’t what i need but i try & understand why they are saying it & that others get wrapped up in their own lives. Just life isn’t it?
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Hi Jan, it’s tough when there’s no one to talk too. I feel like screaming sometimes! One day they will realise what it’s like but people do have their lives to lead & sometimes they are so wrapped up in it, they don’t think of others. I often feel with one friend that i’m fitted in when she has time. I know she’s busy & she does mean well but i never get to finish a conversation. It’s always she’svon her way to or from work. So i get, got to go now i’m home or at work or reached the shops or picking up the kids. A meet up is arranged so we can talk but just about relaxed into where we are & then withing an hour or hour & half, got to go now! I can see looking at her watch on & off the whole time. I get it but makes me feel so unimportant, so left to get on with it. I’ve reached the stage where i’ll start saying, no not meeting up. With my disabilities it takes a lot of effort & extra pain to get ready ho meet up. To go through that & then be rushed when there, it just isn’t worth it cos then i have extra pain for the rest of the day for getting ready! Oh well rant over & sorry for it, just needed to ssy it. Take care.
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Hi Cathphil, yes can so empathise with what you say. It is totally exhausting & sometimes all i want to do is shout & or scream. I swear they just don’t get it. There lives go on as normal, ours are changed forever. Never able to hug them again, never able to laugh with them again, never seeing them again or hearing their voice. Nope, really don’t think they get that & haven’t the time to hear you say that or actually don’t want to hear you say it cos they can’t cope/ deal with that.
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My worse experience and it happens frequently is people who ask how are you then because if there discomfort no doubt use the time to tell me how I am or give advice. They are not interested in listening to my responce but use the time to offload and empty there heads. My lovely late husband 3 months gone used to day they are on transmit not receive which says everything. Love and hugs to all. Xx
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