No one to talk to

I lost my husband unexpected to an aggressive cancer 17 weeks ago. At first everyone wanted to contact me, lots of old friends came to his funeral, and lots of locals said, let’s go out for a drink/walk/chat. Even my brother, a recluse, checks to see if I need anything. And Trev’s brother phones me but I know he’s grieving too and don’t want to make him feel worse.

Now I feel alone. I’ve never been able to share my feelings easily with others, I could only ever really talk to my husband. I still do, talk to his pictures, to my phone, to him every day at the special place where I scattered his ashes, but I don’t have anyone to TALK TO. Life is just an existence, I feel as if everyone thinks I should be back to “normal” by now. But I still cry when I’m alone, and feel like crying even when I’m with others. I feel as if I have to “put on a good show” and I’m sick to death of hearing people say how well I’m getting over it. As if. We’d been together 45 years and I don’t think I’ll ever “get over it”. I wonder how we get through this and survive.

I’m starting to be scared of calling people or turning up unexpectedly in case they think I’m needy or clingy. So I stay at home more and more with my cats. I don’t know how to go on.

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Hi lois
I’ve just joined the group today and this is my 1st reply as I read your story it is so much like mine.
I’m so sorry you lost your dear husband to that awful cancer disease. It takes the best people.
I too lost my daughter who was just 20 on the 4th of October to a rare and aggressive spine & brain cancer, we only found out in March and the doctors said 2 to 6 months left to live, a total shock to us both, but then it paralyzed my daughter the cancer she was in a wheelchair and stuck in a bed all day till she finally passed, it was a very cruel way to watch my daughter die & in so much pain too. I had district nurses come in daily to give injections and help wash and change her clothes as she was unable to do anything for herself.
So now like you im all alone with no one to talk to as people feel I should be ok now, but far from it I don’t sleep, I cry every day, I miss my daughter so much the pain is horrible and I don’t even want to live anymore, I feel I’m just existing xx

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Hi @Lois99,

I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I’m hearing how painful this is all feeling, but please know that there’s always someone out there to help you through this and I’m glad you are a part of this community where you can talk to others who understand.

There’s lots of other support out there, and I’d really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

Shout -https://giveusashout.org/ are contactable by text, 24/7. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and talk to them about anything.

https://www.samaritans.org/ are also available 24/7 to talk about anything that you are worried about in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

It may also be helpful to know that we offer an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: http://www.sueryder.org/counselling.

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area.

Please do get in touch with one of these services, Lois99, and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Kate

Hi @CarolineC22,

I’m Kate, part of the Online Community team, and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for sharing how you are feeling and for offering support to Lois99.

I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter and how you are feeling. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.

You may also find the information pages on our website helpful - if you have a spare few minutes, please do take a look: https://www.sueryder.org/how-we-can-help/bereavement-information.

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please do keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Kate

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Hi there,

I only joined yesterday but read this post and couldn’t not reply as it is so similar to my situation in some ways. I lost my dad very suddenly and unexpectedly to an aggressive cancer no one knew he had, around 17 weeks ago too (august 24th).

Like you, at first everyone was around and checking in. Friends, neighbours, colleagues, and also, like you, I can’t share feelings easily. But now it feels like everyone thinks I should be over it by now and is sick of my grief so I just stay home and isolate myself unless I am at work as I don’t want people to be burdened by my mood.

What I can say is, if you think it would help, there are people out there who will listen. It’s taken me a while but I am finally on a waiting list for bereavement counselling. If you think that’s something that could help you try checking out the Cruse website or contact your GP. I have also found comfort in forums like this and macmillan’s support forum, to find people who actually understand what it is like to lose someone. It may feel like you’re alone, but there’s always someone who will listen. It’s still early days (so people keep telling me) but I hope your pain starts to ease soon. xx

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It’s so hard because you’re all grieving I’m sorry for your loss I lost my husband in august very quickly to aggressive cancer and watched him suffer over eight short weeks , we were together for forty three years and like you were best friends, we did everything together I always said we were like a pair of old slippers and I miss the closeness and companionship, it’s such a void and I try to explain to my family and friends that it’s changed every aspect of my life, the light has gone future hopes and nothing to look forward to without him, I have found this website really helpful because others are following the same journey so I’m not going crazy and we all express the same dreadful feelings and experiences, please don’t feel you’re alone and do whatever gives you comfort and don’t worry about telling others how you feel you’re important and the worst thing ever has happened to you sending love and hugs xx

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Hi caroline im so so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter i also lost my boy sam 25 to cancer in april . We found out on jan 13 th he lasted 4 months i can totally understand your pain .you have funeral and oeople care but then you feel so alone .ive come on this site and said anything i wanted .we all in this horrible situation . Theres lotsvoeople lost there children go on lost boy 27 lots people talk on that chat . Im so sorry sending you hugs zoe xx

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Hi Zoe I see your not sleeping again tonight like me. Oh dear it’s New Year’s Eve already , another bad day to get through. Jss xxx

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Hi Caroline

I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter, but I know you will understand how I feel, My husband’s cancer was treated similarly, They removed his bladder after extensive chemo in November 2020 and told him there was a 95% chance of survival for 5 years. Good odds, we thought. Then in March last year we got a letter from the consultant saying “no evidence of cancer and no abnormal features seen”. We started to pick up our lives again. But 5 weeks later he got checked out for hip pain thinking it would mean a hip replacement only to find it had spread into his hip bone. They tested and tested him and said they would be able to treat it. They wouldn’t issue the DS1500 because they said it wasn’t serious!!! In August he found he was unable to eat without being sick, so they took him into hospital and said they would have to operate to give him a colostomy (he already had a urostomy). When I took things to the hospital for him before the op, he told me what they said. It was inoperable and they were sending him home - they gave him 4 weeks, fitted a syringe driver, and told us to make memories.

Trev actually survived just over 2 weeks but it wasn’t living. The district nurses came once a day at first, then 2 or 3 or even 4 times to give pain relief. The memories I have I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy - and the awful part is, I can’t forget. Towards the end, he couldn’t speak or move and hardly knew I was there. I want to think he knew but …

Thank you, Kate, for the advice, but it’s so hard to reach out - and the longer I leave it, the more I feel people with think it’s just self-pity. It gets harder to make the effort, especially when I know others probably need the help more than me. It helps to share here with other people who understand. I know the medical services did all they could, but in the end it made no difference, and I feel so bitter and upset at everything my poor husband had to suffer, only to leave me in the end. So many highs and lows emotionally for us both.

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Hi jss feel like just want to stay in bed thinking of you jss .why has this happened always happens to the best xxx t

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Your grieving you need help its no time atall .please come on say anything you like baby steps dont be hard on yourself muchl ove zoe

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Hi Lois99. My partner Jo was diagnosed with throat cancer in Nov 2020 and her treatment started early in 21. She had a dreadful time with the 6 weeks of intensive chemo and radiotherapy and hated it . I’d drive her to the hospital and take her in her wheelchair into oncology and because of covid I couldn’t stay with her so I’d leave her and go and sit in the car to wait for her. Broke my heart leaving her. After her course of treatment she too couldn’t eat mainly due to her jaw locking as a side effect of the radiation and like your experience what she did manage to get down made her sick. She was on huge amounts of morphine which at times I had to get oncology at the hospital to speak to the GP to get him to prescribe. Because it was in her throat she still had various appointments ENT, Oral surgery etc. plus visits to the GP. Even whilst she was wasting away in front of me I still thought that her jaw would loosen and she’d be able to eat properly again and be ok. She got so frail that even when I had to lift her at times I was frightened of hurting her. Her last consultant appointment was Oct. 4 last year. They hadn’t got all the cancer from her throat and it had spread elsewhere and they now considered her to frail to stand further treatment which she didn’t want anyway. She told me she had, had enough and was at peace . So brave, She finally lost the battle on the 18 Oct and passed away peacefully at home. I suppose I’m luckier than some because she had 4 brothers who’ve totally supported me and are still doing so. I 'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you manage to find a counsellor or a friend that you feel you can talk to, At the very least continue to message on here. One way or another we’re all in the same boat and understand what you’re going through. Best wishes to you. Peter.

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Your path is so very similar to mine, my husband of 49years was taken into hospital with pains in his side, got a phone call to say that they found one of his tubes from kidney to bladder was blocked so fitted a urostomy to one kidney. Took them 2 months to get him back for exploratory and biopsy. Then said they didn’t know what it was but it definitely didn’t look like cancer. We then waited 3 months for the results only to be told that it actually was a tumour but don’t worry they said, we can operate, remove bladder etc and fit a double urostomy. Days later when he went in for pre op checks they did another scan and told us that it had spread to liver, lungs and lymph nodes and that there wasn’t anything they could do. We too were told to go home and make memories, but those memories are not ones I want, they are awful. He couldn’t eat anything, kept vomiting, GP wouldn’t see him , only telephone consultations. Finally our palliative nurse got him into our local hospice for a few days to see if they could help but Sadly it was too late by then , however but the care they gave him was amazing. All I could do was watch as my beloved husband wasted away. I relive those days and nights all the time, I am haunted by them, wondering if there was anything more I could have done, even though everyone says I did all I could. He was so let down by the NHS, he really deserved better. We are all on this awful path that none of us wanted, and we are the only ones who truly understand. Love to you all. Xx

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Jo knew more than she told me although she did confide in her sister in law. I do understand why she decided to keep some things from me after 28 years together she knew me very well and knew exactly what my reaction would be so while I was thinking that I couldn’t let her give up she already knew what the likely outcome would be. I spoke to her wonderful oncology nurse, who I’d contacted on many occasions during the year when I couldn’t get various things and she’d sorted it for me,after Jo passed away and she apologised to me for not answering some of my questions directly but although she’d told Jo that she should speak to me she couldn’t tell me because it would have gone against Jo’s wishes. I told her I understood and I also understood why my Jo had decided to do that. All these things you think about after their passing . So many things I wish I’d said and now its too late. I still talk to her ,of course, like I think many of us do but its not the same. I’m so sorry for your loss but you’re quite right the only people that truly understand are the people that have experienced it,like all of us. Best wishes to you. Peter

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What some people don’t seem to realize is that there is no time limit on our grief, it stays with us always, we can’t just switch it off, in my experience (my wife passed away 6 months ago from cancer) friends and even family members just think that after a few months you are ok and they just carry on with their lives as normal, we can’t do that because the person we love most is no longer with us, i have had a similar experience to you in respect that sometimes when you need to talk to someone there is no one around, it’s a lonely existence and sometimes gets me down.

i am sort of getting used to it now, but other times i just want to let off steam to someone, i have good friends and family who look out for me but, i get scared sometimes mentioning how i feel because i get the feeling that most people feel uncomfortable when i talk about it, it’s really frustrating when i’m in company, people won’t even talk about her because they think i don’t want to be reminded of what has happened! wrong, i do want to talk about her, i want to share my thoughts with people and remember her the way i want to, i find this group helpful because we all share one thing in common, the loss of a loved one, we are all grieving and we all want to express how we feel, i know it’s not the same as talking to someone face to face, but it’s the next best thing.

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TonyEi1960 I find that people don’t want to mention her name perhaps because they think it will upset me which is quite understandable I suppose but when something is said in conversation that would naturally refer to her I find I’m the one that says her name, and am happy to do so, because like you I want everybody to remember that she was once here and a huge part of my life.

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Hi Tony i feel the same i lost my son at the end of april four months he was gone just 25 in march . I feel theres no one to talk to . And people think oh times past .i think my grief as got worse as times gone on its the reality sams not coming back.this site has helped me alot . Im so sorry for everyones loss love zoe xx

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Hi Zoe, so sorry to hear of the loss of your son, i know it’s really difficult to deal with such a loss, it’s heartbreaking, it’s not something that can be fixed, but, with support from people who are going through a similar thing it is helpful, i know exactly how you feel, they say time is a great healer, but for someone who is grieving like yourself i feel that time just stands still and the pain remains! 6 months on from the passing of my wife and i still don’t feel the grief has subsided, if anything it’s got worse, she is constantly in my thoughts every day, i have some great memories of our time together and i look back on those times to try and ease the heartache i feel, there is no easy fix, i can’t move on with my life because i am stuck in this cloud of grief, it’s a constant battle every day with my emotions, i do find this group to be helpful though, reading other peoples experiences and how they deal with their emotions is sometimes helpful, i wish you well and am sending love, keep talking, because that is what you need to do xx

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peterj, that is exactly how i feel! i mention her name often in conversations with people, because to me, it is my way of keeping her memory alive and that is really important to me, i just wish i could get it through to people that talking about her doesn’t upset me, it actually helps me, it also reminds me that people do still think about her and that she is not just some distant memory.

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Hi Tony

I too feel he is always with me. I walk to the shore every day to talk to him, and it came as quite a shock today when I referred to him amongst friends, and an acquaintance actually said, who? It’s only been four months, and it doesn’t get better. I just feel more lonely every day, even when I’m with other people. I can only really cry when I’m on my own, or with him, or with my best friend, who really does understand. This chat does help, because I know that others are hurting just like me, and they do understand. I am very sorry for everyone’s loss but sadly that doesn’t actually help. Thank you all for being there. Lois

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