I am struggling to see the point of anything since I lost my husband suddenly in 2019. 19 long months have past and I do not feel any better. I just miss him so much. I used to be strong. I used to be confident. I used to be able to think clearly. I have tried to accept invitations from friends. My wider family think I’m strong and can cope even though I have said that I’m not and I can’t. It just makes me feel deep sadness. I envy those who have their loved ones to go home to. I hate having to use my keys every time I go into my house. Jim truly loved me and I truly loved him. I have been surprised by the reaction of others towards me. What do I expect? Perhaps a shoulder to cry on. My experience is that others can’t cope with it. I have burdened my lovely sons. But not anymore. They are wonderful and I want them to be happy. I’m the parent. I should not be giving them cause for worry. I just can’t find joy in anything. I cry most days. Is this normal? I feel that even when I am making a huge effort to be a normal, happy person, I am a black cloud ruining everyone’s day. Friends have said it’s OK to feel sorry for yourself. These kind words made me feel utterly insulted. What I do feel? Sadness, unworthy, lonely. I simply miss my husband. Is that feeling sad for my self. Perhaps it is. This is a life not worth living. There are only 2 reasons that I am still here; my sons and my faith. I try to keep myself busy by decorating and gardening. Apart from my sons, no-one visits or phones. I haven’t spoken to anyone in 3 days. I have been successful at alienating myself. I am 56 and feel hopeless.
I was implored to reply to your post.
I am sure you’ve had lots of people offer you ‘good advice’ about how to get back on your feet & so I am sorry if I duplicate anything that’s already been said. A wise friend of mine, a vicar, told me that our true life’s purpose and route to contentment is in helping others. Have you thought about volunteering - I know that I get an enormous amount of satisfaction in making others happy and helping those less fortunate. I understand that you might not feel up to it.
There are other people on this site with greater experience of your loss and will, I am sure, off you far better advice and potentially words that can offer some comfort.
I feel so sad reading your post, nineteen months for you and it’s still a struggle.
It’s nine months since I lost my husband, and I struggle still like you. I think sudden death is hard for our brains to process, I still think he is away somewhere and is still coming back.
I try to fill my days decorating, or thinking about it, gardening and just doing things that need to be done, it keeps my mind from thinking until it engulfs me and I get into a right state, I panic about the future and panic about never seeing or hearing his voice ever again. Like you, I try to be strong in front of our daughters as I am the parent and can’t burden them with my feelings, and family think I’m doing well, when I don’t think I am. I do have stronger days where I can get on with things,
But it’s not life anymore, just an existence.
I miss the excitement of seeing my husband, laughing together and having someone by my side looking after me .
I do find joy in my grandchildren, but the sadness hangs over me of Tim never seeing them grow up,
There’s no joy in anything else, I just want to be at home where I feel safe, surrounded by the memories, but that’s all that’s left, just memories. I’m 51 and feel so sad without him, I miss him so much. How can we ever feel happy again without them.
I really feel I can’t offer advice, as I don’t know myself, wish I knew, just can’t be happy in this new life. I know how you feel, as do most of us on here unfortunately.
Sorry you are low Steph like all of us.
but what choice have we except chat on here and get some comfort…
It’s only been four months since my husband died and I feel so lost. We never had the fortune to have children so he was my world and home to me. I can’t foresee a life without him without the continuous grief and pain. It’s hard to see the point in carrying on with him gone. What is the point? I love my friends and family dearly and would never purposely hurt them, but they honestly don’t have any idea of the pain I’m in. I’m 46 and a widow. How do I even begin to envisage life without him? He was my person. He loved me unconditionally and I loved him unconditionally. I have no interest in finding anyone else. I’m stuck in a life that no longer exists.
I am grateful for your reply. I am so sad that you are also experiencing this nightmare. From what you wrote, I know that you understand. We are fortunate on one account at least. We have sons/daughters. I would be totally lost without them; knowing that there is someone left in the world who loves us deeply.
Hi sue I’m the same age as you and find the same feelings running through my mind , I hate going back to the house because it’s not a home anymore its just a place to stay , we are still young but left without out partners we still love them , that cannot be just switched off , yet we have no one who loves us back the same as they did , so much living still left to do but on our own from now on how could any of us ever find somebody to compare ,how would we ever be able to love someone else when we still would love our partner.
So it seems we are destined to be alone forever ,
Thst is what I believe some of our grief is ,that we are mourning a lost future ,a life we lost when our loved one died , we are almost mourning for ourselves .
Perhaps when enough time has passed you feel differently but I cant answer that because I dont feel any different than from the beginning
You’re absolutely right. We are also mourning a lost future. I’m really dreading retirement. Lock-down gave me an idea of what it would be like. I know I’m going to have to make more of an effort to develop a new purpose but it is so, so hard. Thank you so much for your message. It was so kind of you to share.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head! What you say rings so true. I lost my Hubby suddenly April 2019, he was 52yrs, I was 48, I’ll be 50yrs next week. We’d made lovely plans to celebrate. We were together 33yrs, married just coming up to our 30th Anniversary.
All those years and plans for the future and they just came to a horrible, abrupt halt.
You’re right, we don’t just mourn the loss of our amazing partners, the memories but also, what should/ could of been.
People say don’t think to far ahead but it’s so hard. The thought of 20+ years of this sadness without him and I know it will never leave me! It’s excruciating.
I’m blessed in many ways, with 2 amazing adult children and a beautiful grandson but it’s always got a sadness with it because my hubby is not here to enjoy his family and he loved us all so much.
You’re not alone in your thoughts Geoff
We all support each other in a small way on here , but every little helps.
god knows theres enough grief to share around
Take care Donna
Hi Donna, I am obviously mourning the loss of my darling wife but I have an equal mourning for everything she has lost - grandchildren, home, garden and the pleasures of life in general. I have all these things but it’s killing me that she is unable to share them.
I feel the same, Hubby loved life, family and just all the simple basic things in life. He saw the good in everything and everyone. I feel so confused, being left with it all, I should be happy but it means nothing without him. I hope this makes sense
Your words make sense, the circumstances we are in don’t!
Take care AL x
Probably didn’t explain myself well.
I feel guilty being left to spend time with the children and Grandson and watch them grow. Hubby was an amazing Dad with the children , he will never get the time with his grandson and it upsets me so much
Exactly Donna, you are more or less expressing what I said. You’re not just grieving for yourself but also for the things they are missing out on. I can’t enjoy life’s simple pleasures because I’m so sad that they are no longer shared. It’s very hard without our loved ones.
I understand exactly how you feel because most days I feel there is no point in anything but we need to fight this and hopefully as time goes,by we will have some peace of mind and life will become easier. Be strong and kind to yourself, this is the most hardest emotion we will endure so take one day at a time. As for family and friends karma is a wonderful thing. Take care
This is my first post on this site. I’ve read a lot of the posts from people who have lost partners. My lovely wife passed away 12 weeks ago and to say I’m heartbroken would be an understatement. We have no children and yes I do have brothers and sisters and in laws.
Thing is we have been together for over 50 years and were just happy with each other’s company.
It’s difficult to tell anyone how I’m feeling. Someone told me the other day that I’ll have to start a new life but I don’t want a new life . It’s the thought that I’ll never get to speak To her or hold her again That’s what I can’t bear.
Thankfully we had a lovely cocker spaniel who has given me a reason to get up and go out on a daily basis.
I’m not brilliant at explaining things but just wanted to tell someone who will understand what I’m going through.xx
I understand completely ,my tee and I were enough for each other we didn’t need or want crowds of people , I too have my little dog for company but is not a young dog so I am dreading that day as well . It’s the hardest thing in life to endure but we must now live a diffrent life that we will hate , but maybe in time it will be easier to bear
It has been the same length of time for me too and like you I cannot believe that I don’t feel any better or that things haven’t yet become any easier.
If anything it’s worse.
From being confident and independent it has become the norm to retreat or hide from people, to politely refuse invitations and consider my home a sanctuary.
Not to worry my family I wear a smile and pretend everything is just fine, that I am coping and busy with painting and gardening.
Grief is horrendous, depression is awful, grief coupled with depression is a nightmare.
I will get through this though, for me there is no alternative.
Sending you a big hug.
I fully understand how you feel and sadly we have to go through this dark tunnel but hopefully there will be a light one day. You have your lovely memories and lots of photos I am sure so look at them often and remember those happy times. Life is hard but take each day in your stride. Cry, scream and shout if you need to but do look after yourself because nobody else will and you need to be there for your dog. Be kind to yourself and take care