I seem to have had a bad week - lots of tears and feeling so sorry for myself. But over the last 12 weeks I have made some progress - I can now look at recent pictures of Gary and I sit and talk to him in his music room. But as I talk to the photo that looks like he is really looking back I find myself thinking that I have done so well and I deserve to get him back now. But of course that will not happen - I know that.
Throughout our lives we are reward driven - everything we do seems to offer a reward at the end of it. The more effort we put into making a meal the nicer it is, good behaviour as a child often results in a treat, working hard at school the exam results you obtain, the harder you work hopefully promotion and a better salary. It conditions us to thinking that the more we try the better the end result. But not this time and it is so hard to come to terms with. No matter how well we do there is no reward this time.
When I look back on my posts, I can see I have made some progress, but it is oh so slow and there are still so many things I cannot do. I cannot listen to any kind of music, I cannot go where we went together, I cannot go to our holiday home, I cannot watch the tv programmes we watched together, I cannot plan more than a couple of days ahead. I hope to do all of those things in time - but when, I have no idea.
I loved him completely and utterly for nearly all my life - he was my life and so I have to learn to make a new one. Sometimes I think yes I can do this and other times I just hide from any thoughts as they are just too painful.
I have at last gone back to work and am increasing my hours next week. I know I can do that and it will be a little bit more time I am distracted and less time thinking. I so want to enjoy life again and I know he would want me to, and I suppose I am starting to enjoy little snippets like driving my new car, like looking at the garden which due to my hard work is looking better than it ever has, talking to friends and laughing at silly things, it all helps. But that loneliness I am not sure will ever go away - I just need to learn to live with it.
My rewards now are the signs that seem to indicate he is still here and looking over me, the picture of him that suddenly popped up on my phone, the romantic birthday card I found in a pile of household manuals, the white feather in the hedge the day after I cut it again, the cocktail sticks he cleaned his pipe out with and which were the bane of my life - just appearing on the floor. When you have a relationship that you believe to be so special - how can that end.
Thank you for listening. My adult children are wonderful - but they would not understand this ‘conversation’. I know weekends can be particularly hard - so sending everyone a hug that needs it.
Trisha xx