When you lose someone initially you have so much support and love and after the funeral when it all dies down… those people who were desperate to comfort you and support you disappear.
Friends of mine who have been through this loss told me this would happen and I wasn’t surprised or upset about it at all.
No one knows what to say when someone passes away. It’s awkward and weird and we say what we think we should.
And then comes the loneliness, the work telling you that’s enough now carry on.
Like a huge part of your life hasn’t just changed forever and you can just continue on like nothing happened.
Something changes, a hole happens, not from the loss but from the lack of understanding and basic humanity. A seething hatred bubbled for me, a hatred of People saying it’ll get better… or time heals.
Whilst my mum copes by drinking herself into oblivion and all my family say I should help her more whilst working full time, I do sit and cry with anger, no time to grieve, take a breath for me.
Please tell me there are others in this place?! Hopeless hopefulness!
I’m trying but tired and want to know I’m not alone!
I don’t think I had time to grieve for my dad when he died 3 years ago, I became the sole carer for my mum as my brother lived too far away & had his own family. I work full time. I thinks it’s caught up with me now that mum has died so it’s like I’m grieving for both of them now. I’ve only had 2 days off work as I get more depressed being at home on my own. Big hug xx
You’re most definitely not alone @stryhappy - what you describe is similar to how im feeling. i lost my mum in october 2023 and on top of the raw grief, there is now the pain of isolation, feeling that i am on this journey alone, plus a feeling of frustration/anger - at my friends, at the universe in general for expecting me to carry on. And the isolation then makes your loss feel even more acute, because who i really want to turn to in times of distress is my Mum! I do try and remind myself when a friend makes a clumsy remark or doesnt contact me for weeks on end that unless you’ve been through this, you have no awareness of how it feels, and their comments although often grating are coming from the best intentions.
Have you looked into what support you could access so that you can share how you’re feeling? Im currently attending a bereavement group which helps me feel less alone and am waiting for counselling as i feel i need someone to guide me through this. It might be worth speaking to your GP or looking online at what services are in your area. And of course on this site you will find so many people in a similar situation - i have found being able to post here and keep in touch with people invaluable.
I have talking therapies due and a social prescriber… this site has been best so far! Thank you for sharing your story im here for you too as youve been for me
I’m so sorry for your loss @stryhappy . I lost my Dad after a really short illness and hospital stay last November - he was 91 but very alert and pretty healthy before he died. Since then, I’ve not been able to leave my Mum at night as she doesn’t want to be in the house on her own. My sibling lives hours and miles away so only comes to stay every 6-8 weeks and then only for a few nights. Its then I can go home but its only happened twice since he died end November. I have a husband, a pet, all my own things in my house. I feel so trapped. Our house is just too small and not the right facilities for her to live with us. We’ve now put both houses on the market to buy one house together, as a solution, but the endless clearing and preparing her house has been physically and mentally exhausting. I feel I’ve not been allowed to grieve and I’m on auto pilot for the most part dealing with everything. There is so much still to sort through. I nearly burst into tears on the phone to Virgin Media the other day as they still can’t get the bill right!
It was pure frustration as everything has been left to me to deal with, by my sibling…who literally doesn’t care about me and my mental health. My Mum is very mentally very alert but struggles to walk too far. She loves to read, watch old movies, learns a language online and is dealing really well with the loss of my Dad. Much better than I’d have thought she would have done. But she doesn’t seem to “get” I need some sort of a life too. Its just expected I continue to stay overnight. I’ve been going home for longer during the day but always return in the evening. My journey is 30-45 minutes each way and every time I do it I think how upset my Dad would be for me, knowing what’s going on now. I pretty much sob there and back at the unfairness of everything. That sounds awful! I feel everything is on my shoulders though and so alone. If it wasn’t for me and my husband doing all the clearing nothing would ever get done as my sibling refuses to do anything to help during visits. I miss my Dad so much but my Mum doesn’t get I need time with my husband. I feel selfish sometimes for missing my old life but I really do.
I do understand. All you wrote. I know there are a million more things you could express also. I feel what you are going through & have experienced it. You are not alone.
I understand this and it isnt selfish, im glad my post was relatable, it is so hard sometimes and you do just want to go back or be who you were but i guess we wont ever be again, maybe in time we will be better even but for now it is one day at a time sending hugs
Your post really struck a chord with me @stryhappy - and you’re right, things won’t ever be the same…hopefully for us all things will get better and it definitely is one day at a time - sending hugs back
i lost my mum in october 2023 and on top of the raw grief, there is now the pain of isolation, feeling that i am on this journey alone, plus a feeling of frustration/anger - at my friends, at the universe in general for expecting me to carry on. And the isolation then makes your loss feel even more acute, because who i really want to turn to in times of distress is my Mum! I do try and remind myself when a friend makes a clumsy remark or doesnt contact me for weeks on end that unless you’ve been through this, you have no awareness of how it feels, and their comments although often grating are coming from the best intentions.
