Not getting any better

Since my alan passed away last may nothing is getting any better. How is an hours counselling for 6weeks going to help anyone. I have my last session in 3 weeks time but feel worse now than when he first passed away. The days are long and lonely … Everything is getting neglected. I have no interest in anything and don"t see any end to this heartache. They say to talk on here helps but it hasn’t appeared to help me. Everyone was dreading christmas but to me every day is the same. Tears, tears and more tears and the lonliness just too much to bear. I feel anxious and nauseous most of the time now and just wished my life was over. If our loved ones see our misery on this earth why aren’t we taken. I really hope i don’t have to wait too long. Thank you for listening.

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Dear Janet,
There is nothing we can say to make you feel any better, grief is the most horrendous emotion, I have ever felt. I know it does not help you when we tell you that we are suffering, your grief is your own.
Take care, Blessings,
MaryL

Blockquote

when I tell you this

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Yes i realise everyone is suffering and how horrendous it is. We just used to be so active and now the total opposite. It was 12 o’clock when i got up today and had a bite to eat. That makes me feel so lazy but i just haven’t any inspiritation for anything. Then my housephone rang which was someone asking for my late partner so i hung up on them. I mean why would i think it might be someone wanting to talk to me. I then proceeded to do some hoovering as its been neglected recently. Just a half hearted effort to pass a bit of time. Given up on it now as my back has started to hurt again. And its still only 3 o’clock. Three hours from getting up and it has so dragged. If this is life then roll on death.

Hi Daisy Janet,
One thing my counsellor said was “there is no answer to this” how right he was .
At first counselling gave me somebody to talk to which helped relieve the pressure. In the end I didn’t know what to say. I paid for a lot of sessions but they didn’t help.
After nearly 2 years I feel.as desperate as you do. Some people go onto a new life some don’t if only I knew the magic formula but I don’t.
I wish i could help.in some way but all I can do is let you know you are not alone feeling like this. Sadme

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Yes agree everyone is different and individual take one day at a time and focus on that day only x

Hi sadme. I am upset at not being able to go to counselling after my next one as it was somewhere to go and someone to talk to and listen to me, irrelevant really whether i have benefited from it. Its a cruel world really when you’re crying out for help but getting nowhere. I don’t for one minute think there is an answer but i would just like to have a friend who felt as lonely and sad as i do and maybe we would cheer one another up. Thats all i ask for really. Not a lot. Just someone to show an interest as i could with them. Thank you for listening and take care. Xx x

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Dear sheila thank you for your kind words. I too have had lots to sort out with no help from my three sons, grandchildren or anyone else. I still have things to sort out like the sales of 2 vehicles. It has all been very stressful doing it on my own. It must be even harder for you than me knowing your husband for 50 years. If i had a wish it would be to join my alan as i wouldn’t want to go back in time because we would then have to go through this terrible time all over again. My problem is my lonliness it leaves me with too much time to think. I know what you mean about the counselling. I didn’t want to go but was talked into it by my bosses at work. Although it hasn"t helped it was someone to talk to for an hour instead of being a billy no mates. Its coming up for my last session and she is now trying to get me to go and see my gp. because of my low moods. I said no to that one as medication will just mask the problem. I have never been big on taking any sort of medication unless its really necessary. Like you say all the talking in the world doesn’t help. Those were my words exactly and they don’t. Take care and thank you for taking the time to respond. Xxx

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Hello Daisy, can I ask how long ago your Alan died? You describe exactly as I felt initially. Time seemed to stop. Eventually I decided to go back to work to fill the days and get back into a normal routine. Could you volunteer at a local charity shop? This would give you something to fill your day and will give you some company and new friendships. Your reaction of losing interest I understand. I found it very hard to focus on anything…still do…but I do find the days go better when I keep busy. I wish you all the best as you work through your grief…it’s the hardest thing in the world. But many more before us have trodden this path, we are walking in deep footprints, it’s a slog, but we hopefully can find peace eventually. Sending love xxxx

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Sheila,

You have already said that you tried so many times to get your husband to stop smoking. You dudnt smoke and neither did your sons. Your husband didnt listen to you.
He was a grown adult that made his own decisions and you couldn’t have persuaded him otherwise.
From a small child I used to beg my mum to go to bed early. I told her that her body would get into a routine. But she wouldn’t. She would fall asleep in front of the tv all night then when it was time to go to bed she wasnt tired so would regularly just get a couple of hours. This habit went on her whole adult life. It used to frustrate the hell out of me. When mum moved in with me in August 2018 I saw it as a great opportunity to encourage her to go to bed at 10pm as I and my daughter are really good at this. But her behaviour stayed the same. She would sleep all night on the sofa then start watching programmes she had missed at 1 or 2 am.
I’ve since learnt that this type of habit is a massive stroke risk and as mum died from that, I often think if only we could go back. But I know that I tried so hard for 40 years to get her to sleep better and she was an adult who made her choices.
Grief makes us beat ourselves up and feel so guilty. But we have to try and stop because it’s making us ill.
I regret all the wine we drunk together, as this would also have contributed to mums stroke. But I’m trying to think of the lovely relaxing pub lunches and evenings spent together watching tv.
At the end if the day I’m never going to know exactly what caused mums stroke but I do know that I’ve got to learn to stop the guilt.
Cheryl x

Exactly sheila. When my dad was 46 he had a series of small heart attacks. He gave up smoking and got much healthier. However we went to a family wedding some time later and my mum and I were mortified to see him smoking a cigarette in front of all our family.
I wouldn’t dream of smoking and am also horrified when I see young people doing so, although I think women are far worse than men these days.

Good luck sheila x

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Hi Sheila, Hope you don’t mind me coming in on this conversation about smoking and habits that might have helped to kill our loved ones.
Firstly though can I say how sorry I am to see that you had a terrible time over the holiday period when you wasn’t well. It’s awful being alone and not well isn’t it. Can be so frightening. Had just the same experience as you with the GP way back in the summer, no appointment, ended up in hospital and an op so I wasn’t exactly a time waster and this was the first time in years I had tried to get an appointment. Never been in hospital or taken medication so wouldn’t you have thought they would realise something wasn’t right. Perhaps they saw me as a moaning grieving widow!!!
Re smoking, Both my son and daughter smoke too much and I wait for the day they tell me that they have something wrong with them. My son is already like an old man with leg problems, I will end up having to help him, but I don’t think so. I have warned them more than once that we have heart problems in our family and if they choose to ignore the warnings then I can assure them that I am not going down that road of caring for someone again as much as I love them. If I say anything I am told to mind my own business they are old enough to please themselves. I agree make them see others dying on the wards. A good friend died of Emphysema and we visited him in a nursing home as his wife didn’t want to be his carer. It was not nice and I thought then if those young people could see such a death they might think twice.
My Brian never smoked but he was a singer for over thirty years and at pubs and clubs he breathed in all the smoke. I can remember seeing it thick across the rooms but it wasn’t banned then and as you say in the early days we didn’t know the danger. They do now so there is no excuse. Anyway don’t they know how horrid they smell when they smoke. My daughter came over from Spain when Brian died and wanted to use my car as I didn’t feel like driving at the time. A week later I was shocked at the smell inside it. I don’t think they smoked in it but they carried that foul smell on their clothes and it took me weeks to get rid of the stink. By the way my father never smoked or drank for that matter and was a footballer and a sportsman all his life, never overweight yet he died suddenly in his forties, so hindsight is not always possible. He had heart problems that wasn’t know about then and now the curse of our family but will my family take notice of me. No…
Take care and lovely to hear from you again.
Pat xxx

Hi Daisy Janet
I think that’s why I kept going to counselling for so long. I desperately needed someone to talk to.
We didn’t have children and my sister’s and brother think “should be back to normal by now”. I have 1 friend I can talk to but hardly ever see her, she has her own family problems.
I can understand that you need somebody to talk to. Feel free to message me if it helps at all.
Sadme

Yes, he died in May. I went back to work in July. I do 24 hrs over 3 days. I am the oldest one there at 67 and been there 20 years this July. A lot of my job entails working on my own. I tell people there how lonely I am but they all have there own lives to lead and are much younger than I am. I am not very good at mixing with people. I never have been. Something I attribute to what happened in my childhood. I just can’t keep busy when I have no one to turn to. I would love nothing more than for all this anxiety to stop and be able to eat without the butterflies going round in my stomach and shaking. Thank you. Take care xxxxx

Dear Sheila My Alan stopped smoking 7 years ago. He had an ulcer that burst and he was very poorly. He nearly died then. He was told to stop smoking and I really didn’t think he would as he had smoked from being 9 when he used to nick his uncles cigs. He bought all the stuff so he could vape instead but when he came home from hospital he never smoked again. I couldn’t believe it and was really proud of him. He was also diagnosed with emphysema but that was only in the 12 months before he died, when he had many tests done. What I do find hard to get my head round was his consultant said that basically Alan was as fit as he was. He’d got prostrate cancer which he’d had for a couple of years. He was monitored at regular intervals for that. Then he got non-hodgkins lymphoma for which he had 5 lots of chemo. He had the rarer mantle-cell which was treatable but not curable. Unfortunately he kept getting chest infections and I asked his gp in December if he would refer him to hospital and all he said to me was why. So they just kept banging antibiotics at him which were doing nothing. He had a terrible cough, cold and stopped eating. He lost 3 stone in weight and he would sit on the settee covered up all day not knowing much about anything . He used to hum a lot at night which drove me mad and other times he would be coughing a lot. So I didn’t get any sleep either and I too lost lots of weight with the worry. He was finally admitted to hospital on January 8th last year after seeing his consultant for one of his check ups. His words were you look awful we will find you a bed for a few days. He was never to come out of there alive. He was border line diabetic at one stage although he was never overweight. He did as he was asked of him and cut down on sweet things and he got over that. My Alan for all that was wrong with him in his last couple of years was still a very fit man for 77. I have photos of him on apparatus doing different exercises only 2 years before and we did plenty of walking. Miles sometimes when we were away in our motorhome. I remember saying to him when we bought our motorhome that if he wanted to smoke he must go outside and that was my way of trying to get him to stop smoking, as he also suffered from reynauds disease, which is cold to the extremities. At home there were certain rooms he could smoke in and ones he couldn’t. You are right one day would not be enough. It would be nice if we could die together with our loved ones. That would be the perfect answer. Love Janet xx

Hi Sadme That is the reason I want to carry on with my counselling because it is somewhere for me to go and someone to talk to. I have 3 sons but believe you me all they do is bring you heartache. My sister and niece are both alcoholics. I used to be quite close to her but she depresses me now. I have an ex work colleague who I try to see once a week but she doesn’t live in same town as me and she is a deal older than I am and uses a frame to get around. She has quite a large family also but tries to see me one day as she knows how difficult I am finding it. Thank you for your kindness and understanding. Janet x

Dear Sheila Yes and that was all in the last couple of years of his life except for when he had the ulcer. I think the jobs he’d had over the years had kept him fit. Walking the beat around Manchester when he was in the police force then got a milk business so ran around up peoples paths delivering the milk. Two of the numerous jobs he’d had and he worked until he was 72. The irony of it all is he went for tests for dizzy spells which would come on out of the blue, where he would have to sit down, then he would start to ramble, trying to say something, then just as suddenly as it had appeared it disappeared. This had gone on for about a couple of years but he never knew when it would happen again. He could go weeks, days and sometimes months but it used to frighten him. He would describe it as starting low down in his body and working its way up, but he never got a diagnosis for that. Just all these other things they found. And they never really said what it was when he was in the hospital, except for the infections he kept getting. Everytime he had a certain test done and they said well that’s ok, I used to be relieved, but thinking about it, it may have been better if they could have said yes its such a thing, then maybe he could have got help. All we can do now is look forward to the time when we meet our loved ones again and hope they will be ours forever next time. Love Janet xx

Sheila…
… i feel the same way, when i was young, in my 20’s and 30’s i had the single life of dancing, and a working life, then in my later life, my later years i met Richard, and we set up our forever home together with our three dogs when we reached our 40’s and 50’s, now after 20 years the best and happiest times of my life have now come to its abrupt ending, we should be both fit and still enjoying at least another ten of our retirement years together going to visit Stately Homes, their craft fairs, their open gardens, all the things we were doing over those Bank Holiday weekends before i got my MS diagnoses, we are-were both robbed of our future…now i am back to square one, a lonely lady, only this time an old - older lonely lady, i dont have my youth nor my fitness anymore, nor the man i have spent my past 20 years with by my side…Richard always thought he would be one of these people who would live to his 100’s still driving his car into his 100’s, he would be shocked to know, to realise he dint make it to his 75th birthday which is in six days time, when his sister who is nine years older is still very much still here…

Jackie…

Sheila and All…
…who are looking towards that " party " in Heaven…can i suggest you read Joni Eareckson Tada " Heaven Your Real Home From A Higher Perspective "…because i too believe they are all there and waiting for us…

Jackie…

Awww I lost my husband last May , was sudden death , he died at work age 55 we had 33 years together. Life sure is an endurance test at times and I wonder what it’s all about many times, but I see the hurt in my children/grandchildren eyes when they look at me alone and I have to carry on for them. Grief is different for everyone and very painful too. I’m doing more with my grown children and my married sisters now. I play smooth Radio everyday as Steve loved it. Somehow I get through the weeks /days/hours . Yes I cry most days, I miss him so much , we never said goodbye and sudden death is a massive shock. All I can do is get up and carry on without him, it’s not easy . I hope you can find something to give you comfort in the future. Xxxxxxxx

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