Oh, how tired and weary I am of the weight of this bereavement and grief. Although outwardly I am coping and functioning with day to day things, on the inside the pain and hurt is still so intense and the hopelessness of a life or future is as bleak as ever it was. I am not living but existing. People tell me I am doing well and am strong. They can’t feel how I feel.
Last week I started a new job. Part of me didn’t feel ready to go back to work and I was so scared and worried about how I would cope. The other part wanted to have something to get up for in the mornings, some structure to my life and to have some sort of purpose again. The days had been so lonely and half the time I haven’t known how to occupy myself as I couldn’t get motivated but just sat gazing into space and feeling in utter despair. So, I applied for a job, got it and started last Monday.
It has felt like being on a roller coaster. Yes, it has given me something to focus on as I am learning the job so have to concentrate and feel pleased with myself that I am managing to cope so far, despite having a few wobbly times when I have got panicky and felt overwhelmed. Other times I have felt out of my depth and wished I had never started the job and wanted to be back home again yet if I WAS at home I would be unsettled and fed up. I just cannot find peace but then why would I when I have lost the love of my life? It is a constant battle.
The fact is, whatever I do to try to ease and help my pain, it is impossible to do. I got home tonight to a quiet and empty house and felt so low. I just want to tell Dave about my day and have him put his arms around me and give me one of his lovely cuddles. You cannot cuddle up to a job can you? A job cannot replace what I have lost. I feel such an empty, lonely soul.
I keep hearing my new colleagues talking about what they did over the weekend with their husbands and spouses and I am so jealous inside. Being bereaved has turned me into a bitter, jealous, envious, angry monster who has to hide what she really feels.
Just wanted to offload how I feel. Will soon be off to bed for another restless night then waking up to another day of torture on this awful bereavement path.
Sending thoughts and compassion to all on this site suffering as I am.
Best wishes from Karen