Harriet4Bill,
I wish i could find the right words to say to you, to help you. If you just need to rant or ramble just do it. I do i had a very bad day yesterday, a bad wave day and stuff going wrong. I just rambled on here because, i had no one else to say it too. All i wanted and needed was a hug from my Sue.
So please look after yourself.
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Help everyone. How are you all.
It’s just over 12 months since my Bill passed away and I seem to feel worse every day. I miss him so much - words just can’t express my feelings. I cry at the slightest thing. Everything reminds me of him. I just keep thinking of what we would be doing now if he was still with me.
I took flowers to his grave yesterday to find the containers full with nowhere to put mine. His son had been and put them there. It’s not that I mind him putting flowers, it’s the fact that he hardly ever bothered when Bill was alive. It was all his wife’s family and to my mind he should have cared before when Bill was alive. I know he loved his dad but It’s too late now he’s gone.
Flowers are the only thing I can now give to my Bill and to find I couldn’t leave them was heartbreaking. Am I making too much of this - I just don’t know.
I had a total meltdown. I fired off a text to my stepson, asking him to please let me know when he was taking flowers. He’s read it but there was no reply so he obviously didn’t like it. A neighbour saw I was upset and came to my rescue. Took me in and made coffee.
I don’t want to fall out with him but I don’t think he has any idea what it’s like…
I have never been so unhappy in my life. I’ve lost other relatives but nothing has ever hit me like this. My life has no meaning or purpose. I go from one day to the next just surviving, not really living.
Someone asked me the other day did I go out. I know she meant we’ll but just where am I supposed to go - on my own. I go shopping, because I have to. Bill and I did everything together. We’d only been married for 10 years but they were the best 10 years of my life and to think of going anywhere or doing anything without him is just not possible.
I’m so sorry to go on but I don’t have anyone to tell how I feel. I know counselling won’t help because, having done a few courses through some voluntary work, I know exactly what they would say and it won’t help…
I guess we all just have to keep going somehow but it’s so difficult, especially as I don’t have any family of my own to confide in.
Guess I’ve gone on too long - sorry.
Sending you all, all my love and lots of hugs 
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That should have started - hello everyone. Predictive text 
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@Harriet4Bill
Dear Harriet
I am so sorry to read about the grief you are suffering. Sadly we can all identify with much of what you describe.
I can understand your anger and disappointment about arriving at your precious Bill’s grave only to find all the flower containers full. The impression I have is that your stepson is full of regret for not seeing more of his dad when he was alive and now suffering grief of his own.
I lost my wife suddenly to a heart attack in December 2024 and I miss her terribly. We have no children, it was just the two of us and, like you, we did everything together. I now go out very little but am grateful if someone invites me out or round for a cup of tea and chat.
It seems to me an Angel saw your despair when you got back from the cemetery and sent your lovely neighbour to the rescue. Your neighbour cares about you and the people on this website care about you.
You say that taking flowers is the only thing you can do for Bill. Do you talk to him? I talk to my wife all the time, it’s very therapeutic. She obviously can’t answer in the conventional way but she does communicate, I just have to be aware of the signs. Time and time again she has helped me and yes it could be coincidence but I have experienced a quite remarkable run of events.
You are correct that we all just have to keep going somehow. I’m beginning ‘to learn to live with it’ but still have meltdowns. I try to count my blessings by remembering how grateful I am for the 48 years I had with my wife. Yes, it ended too soon but there never would have been a right time.
Take good care of yourself. Keep talking to Bill, he is still with you. Keep posting on this website because it helps.
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Hi RJay
Thanks for your response.
Yes, I do talk to Bill. Sometimes I wonder if I am talking to him or just to fresh air, but I do hope he can hear.
Little things have happened which could just be coincidence - we just don’t know do we - just hope that maybe…
I know I have to keep going - no choice - but it feels like it’s getting more difficult every day. I miss him so much.
Sending love and hugs
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@Harriet4Bill
You are very welcome. I wish I could do more.
You are very lucky to have such a lovely neighbour. On the morning that my wife lay dying on the bathroom floor, with the paramedics desperately working on her, my neighbour knocked on the door to ask if the ambulance could be moved so that she could get out! When I explained that they were a bit busy trying to save my wife’s life she asked if she could have a word with them! I’ll leave it to your imagination what I said to her.
Take care.
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Oh RJay, that’s terrible. I would say how thoughtless, but it’s not nearly enough.
I have a couple of good neighbours. The one who rescued me yesterday lost her husband 4 years ago so she has an idea of how I’m feeling.
My next door neighbour has a lovely dog so she asks me to go with them for a walk. Not every day, but maybe a couple of times a week. She works from home so it just depends how busy she is. She and her daughter invited me for Christmas lunch last year so that I wouldn’t be on my own all day.
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@Harriet4Bill
Your neighbours sound wonderful.
My neighbour has been there for about 7 years and in that time spoken to us on about 6 occasions, including the exchange about the ambulance.
The good news is that her house is up for sale so I’m hoping the Angels send me someone nice.
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I do have some neighbours that don’t really speak. I don’t know why as I don’t think either Bill or I have ever upset them.
It doesn’t cost anything to be polite or just say hello.
I keep my fingers crossed that you get someone nice with some new neighbours.
Thank you @Harriet4Bill
I do have some nice neighbours as well. One came out to me as we left with the ambulance to see if I was OK. She also came to see me when I got home the next day after saying goodbye to my wife in hospital. My immediate neighbours, on the other side to the awful one, were the first to put a sympathy card through my door and always ask if I need anything.
Some people are lovely and others rather strange. I suppose it takes all sorts!
Take care.
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