@Harriet4Bill
Dear Harriet,
It sounds like we are very similar. I have the same thoughts and worries as you. Who do I turn to? Who can I trust? And who gives a damn about me anyway? I also have lost all my confidence and motivation and struggle to make decisions, because I’m used to always discussing and sharing things with the love of my life. Likewise, the situation I find myself in has left me feeling anxious and panicky, which I have never had before. Thinking of my circumstances, and the fact that I am facing life without him leaves me feeling sick constantly. I can’t sustain feeling like this for very much longer. The pain and loss are agonising. I think we have every right to feel sorry for ourselves Harriet. We were happy, very happy, and living a busy, but wonderful life, and at 58, had every right to look forward to the future. I never, ever imagined that I would be thrown into this nightmare situation. It feels like my whole world has fallen apart. I didn’t realise it would hurt this much. It’s literally unbearable.
Sending you lots of love too Harriet xx
I know exactly how you feel. I lost my husband 21 months ago and still cry every day. Try to go out to various thjngs and do voluntary work as well but the pain and lonliness is still there. You dont get over grief it becomes part of you.
So many of us are going through this pain and it doesnt get easier. I have lost confidence being on my own and get panicky and anxious too. I felt SAFE with my husband and now feel empty sad and lonely. Love seeing my family when i feel more like myself, but when im on my own again i feel lost. I have a cat and love her to bits and this can help
Take care and love and hugs to you. Debbie
Good morning,
I woke up at 5:45 this morning realising that the only time during the day when I am not feeling pain and heartache is when I’m asleep. The second that I’m awake the the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and the loneliness begins. Having sadly lost both my parents to cancer, I did not anticipate experiencing this level of unbearable intense grief. The difference is when I lost my parents (2008 + 2017) I had my darling soulmate with me by my side and he was my comfort, my support and my rock throughout. As painful as it was… it was bearable. With the passing of my darling at the age of 58, this is totally different… he has taken with him, everything I held so dear and valued… love, kindness, friendship, support, certainty, familiarity, companionship, happiness, peace of mind and my future. His sad and untimely passing has left a massive gaping hole in my life, leaving me not knowing where to turn. We were always together… how can that ever be compensated for? People say be kind to yourself… but we were always kind to each other, and that’s what I am used to. Without any exaggeration, he really was one in a million, and I am so lucky that he was in my life for 20 beautiful and happy years, but he did not deserve to suffer so much with cancer (9 months) and pass away at 58… and I do not deserve to be without him and facing a lonely and isolated life at the same age. Everything that was familiar to me is now gone. It feels like I have been thrown into the middle of a vast flat desolate desert, there’s nothing there, where I can see for miles around and there’s no end. That’s the kind of loneliness and isolation that I feel. I am struggling to believe that this has actually happened. How can it possibly be true and how cruel it all is? Today, the hospital bed and oxygen machines will be collected from our home and taken away. They were delivered in anticipation of my darling being transferred home from the hospice, but sadly he was too poorly to be transported, so the equipment never got used and my darling never got to come home, which is what he wanted. You have to ask yourself… what is this life actually about? Nothing makes any sense at all. I’m exhausted, lacking any kind of drive or motivation and miss him desperately every minute of the day. Despite there being plenty to do at home (chores) I just can’t bring myself round to do anything. I’m just not in the right frame of mind to be able to function normally. I wish I could have my old life back… it was amazing. This life that I have been assigned is unrecognisable, and so alien to me. My darling’s suffering has ended and I pray that he is at peace now, but I’m in pain and turmoil and can’t see a way out. I wish I wasn’t in this mess and I could go back to how things were. When will this pain end? Sending everyone on this horrible journey that we are all on, love and strength xx
HeartofGold
Sending you my love. No more words - you’ve said it all 
Sadly, I can’t take away what you’re going through. Just know that I’m thinking of you.
I can relate to everything you say… I was only married to Bill for 10 years and he left me 12 months ago today. They were the happiest years of my life and now, like you, it’s the worst time - I’m in bits.
I wish I could help you through this but I know that nothing can take away the pain of losing the one person who meant everything to you.
It was five months yesterday 21 weeks 22 on Saturday. That was the last time i saw my beautiful wife and that is not how i want to remember her. With the stomach cancer we could not really hug as it hurt her. I am tired and lonely, like we all are.
Making myself go shopping this morning, even though I don’t see the point. It’s raining but what would i give to be holding Sue’s hand on her favourite beach and seeing her smile at me. Sorry bad wave day crying again. Just wanted to be honest with people who understand.
I understand fully as everyone who has experienced this pain also understands. Im nearly two years into it and it is no better. I still cry everyday as part of me is missing and i can never be whole again. Take care. Love and hugs to you and anyone else who needs a virtual hug. Debbie xx
Hi HeartofGold,
I’m sorry to say the pain won’t end , Im told you get used to carrying it , not that you get over it .
I’m just over 3 months in , and I’m sat here with my cup of tea , trying to calm down from the panic attack this morning . Heart palpitations , chest tight and a bit dizzy . It’s because as I explained to my husband this morning ( his photo and urn ) that I’m waking up into a nightmare , not waking up from one . I don’t remember any dreams if I have them .
You’re still very much in shock , and your feelings and experience very normal - I know that doesn’t make it any easier to bear.
Don’t beat yourself up about not wanting to do housework , that doesn’t matter , just take care of yourself . You’re not going to be functioning anything like normal for quite a long time yet .
Keep chatting on here , you have everyone’s support . Sending hugs x
@HeartofGold
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Your description of standing in the middle of a featureless desert is a very good analogy.
I try to concentrate on the immediate and not think about the future because it frightens me. I’ll deal with the future when it arrives.
I believe you had a meeting with the funeral director the other day, I hope that went well and brought you some reassurance.
Don’t forget your soulmate is with you and will support and comfort you. Just like the desert, if you learn what to look for the signs are there.
@JanetteR1
Dear Janette,
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.
I’m really sorry to hear that you had a panic attack this morning. It’s horrible and so frightening. I have been experiencing this a lot since my darling Michael passed. What has happened to us, and the pain we are in is truly heartbreaking and unbearable.
You’re absolutely right to say that I am still in shock… I would say deep shock. I know that it’s true, my darling Michael isn’t here, and he’s not coming back, but I simply just can’t believe it. He was a well built, strong and active man. The pain I feel is excruciating.
I am looking at life through a completely different lens now, and it scares me… a lot.
The world without my darling Michael by my side, appears cold, uncaring and harsh to me. Just by being him, the truly wonderful person he was, he made everything ok, and I felt safe and protected, always. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’m noticing that, generally, people don’t understand and are not interested in our pain. The family togetherness I remember when I was growing up, sadly no longer exists. Everyone is doing their own thing, with very little, if any thought for anyone outside of the ‘bubble’ that they’re living in, regardless of the hell that we’re going through. The question is where does that leave ‘us’, the bereaved? Lonely, isolated, sad, scared, panicky and anxious.
I don’t feel like my self at all, in fact I don’t recognise myself. I know that this has changed me forever. My life and future have been hijacked and I am filled with dread and uncertainty for the future.
Janette, can I please ask you… if you are able to function better now, 3 months down the line, or has there not been much change from how you felt when it first happened?
Thank you for your kindness and support, which mean a lot to me.
It’s easy to feel that you’re the only one on this torturous journey. This forum reminds us that we’re not alone.
Sending you hugs too, Eve xx
@RJay
Thank you for your kind and thoughtful reply to my earlier post.
Your words are very wise… to concentrate on the immediate.
My mind runs away with me though, and I am constantly thinking of the future, which like you, frightens me.
The funeral arrangements have not been finalised yet, but they are coming together.
Shortly before my beautiful, darling soulmate passed, he promised me that he would always be with me, watching over me, and looking after me. I can safely say that he has always kept his promises to me.
Thank you again, Eve xx
I am 21 months down this awful journey, I really try to involve myself I lot of different activities. Sometimes it helps and I think I am making progress then I fall into the pit again, My only advice is to get to know as many people as possible in similar situation and try to keep busy. Sometimes it works but there is nothing else for us. So sorry for your loss xx
Hi Eve,
well … I wasn’t sure if I am functioning any better now than in the very early days after Jeff passed , but reading back through my journal that I write to Jeff everyday I think I am a bit.
In the first few weeks I was in a total state , not able to leave the house at all , more or less bringing the draw bridge up . The physical symptoms were very debilitating - felt sick, dizzy , weak , panicky , legs wobbly , chest tight and breathless , headache and to be honest I ached all over for weeks .
Looking back I managed to look after my cats and myself on a very basic level . Food was and still is a problem . I cant go shopping for food as it triggers me -shopping for one , thinking about what Jeff would have wanted . now having meals for one in front of the TV cos I cant face eating at the dining table alone . I rely on Morrisons home delivery . I lost a lot of weight after Jeff fell ill and haven’t managed to put any back on yet, even though I’m pretty sure I’m eating more .
I miss Jeff terribly and the pain and heartache isn’t any better , but … 3 months on , The panic attacks are less frequent and maybe not less harsh , but I know what they are now , so I don’t panic about the panic attacks that makes sense? I just wait till they pass and they do. I’m managing to get out of the house without major meltdowns most of the time , sometimes I go out and have to return quickly as I can feel it coming on .
Housework is still way down on the priority list - but one person doesnt make that much mess . I do it when it needs doing .
I feel I think a bit clearer now , the surrealness is dissipating . Not sure if thats a good thing as it’s now beginning to sink in that he’s not coming back . I still weep uncontrollably a lot , sometimes all day, sometimes I can have a day where I don’t cry at all . - but then I know I’ll be having a bad day soon.
In these early days / weeks you just need to focus on resting as much as you can , take naps when you feel . drink plenty of fluids as the weeping takes it out of you , eat if you can - small portions , something easy to digest, Get your fridge and cupboards stocked up with things you can just pick up and eat . You’ll find it hard to think about cooking or even what you want to eat .
I immersed myself in many crime drama on I player and other channels for a long time ( and still do !) Just made me focus on something else for a while . My councillor said to find something that lessons the grief noise in your head for a period of time . Just to give your mind a rest, as it’s exhausting .
Be kind to yourself , don’t push yourself to do things you’re not ready for, and dont look too far into the future yet , you’re not in the right frame of mind, one hour , one day at a time .
Please feel free to ask anything else thats bothering you , happy for you to private message if you prefer . Keep talking x
@brummy
Dear Brummy,
I totally understand and agree with everything you are saying and going through.
In answer to your question… I have an amazing and very supportive grown up son from my previous marriage. He was extremely close to his step-dad and loves him very much. The loss of my darling soulmate has affected my son very badly as well, as our lives will never be the same again.
He does everything he possibly can to support me, but he works long hours and there is only so much time he can take off work.
Somewhere in the far distance, I have a very small extended family (cousins) which I do not have any contact with at all, not for any particular reason though. They are quite a bit older than me, they’re in their 70’s. The last time I saw them or spoke to them was at my mum’s funeral more than 8 years ago. For reasons that I honestly know nothing about, after my mum’s funeral, nobody bothered to phone me to ask how I was, and more than 8 years have lapsed since then. Today, I reached out, by phoning one of them in the hope that we could maybe reconnect as there hasn’t been any kind of falling out between us. When my cousin answered the phone today, she was extremely abrupt and cold towards me, very bluntly telling me that she was not interested in speaking to me, and she put the phone down on me, not even giving me the chance to speak. I was left completely shocked, stunned and really hurt. She had no idea what the purpose of my call was, and still doesn’t know, or care. The call lasted all of 1½ minutes. I am really, really shocked. It’s definitely not the reaction that I was expecting, otherwise I certainly wouldn’t have put myself through that, while I am grieving and at a time when I have just lost my darling soulmate and am brokenhearted and feeling very vulnerable. As I have said previously Brummy… the world really is a very cold and harsh place. She made herself very clear and left me in no doubt that she’s not interested and doesn’t care. People… even so called relatives blatantly don’t care about us… and I’m ashamed to say they don’t even feel that they have to hide it these days either. It’s tragic how cold and cruel people have become, and sadly they don’t even need a reason to be this way.
@brummy
Thank you for your reply brummy.
I feel certain that your beloved wife can see the lovely flowers in the garden, which you are looking after so tentatively for her, and in her memory. I am sure she is looking down on you with so much love and pride. She will always be with you brummy. Love is forever.
Take care, Eve xx
@JanetteR1
Dear Janette, good morning,
I don’t know where to start… firstly, thank you for your reply, for sharing your experiences and for your kind and helpful advice.
Sadly, what you describe happening in the first few weeks, is where I am at, and I recognise everything you describe… being in a total state, unable to function, deep shock, feeling sick, panicking, scared… and absolutely everything else you describe too.
I feel totally debilitated, and unable to function. I get waves of panic which engulf me frequently… I think it’s the loneliness and isolation that does that, as well as the realisation that I don’t have too much of a support network, mostly a few work colleagues I can call, but they’re not necessarily always available and they have their own lives.
Just like you Janette, I have lost a lot of weight as I’m not eating because I constantly feel sick to the pit of my stomach and there is no way I could even contemplate cooking or eating a normal meal. I am surviving in an extremely basic way at the moment, mainly forcing myself to eat some toast or have some cereal. We also have a cat, and I’m looking after him. Everything else seems so utterly pointless.
I am normally a very organised and together kind of person, but the loss of my darling Michael has completely floored me. He was my world, and I was his. He has left a massive crater size hole in my life. I don’t recognise myself and didn’t know it was possible to feel so much loss and utter despair. I am residing in a nightmare that I can’t see any way out of.
My world has collapsed around me and I literally don’t know where to turn. I feel very isolated and alone. The loneliness is suffocating, and I can’t breathe. I cannot carry on feeling this way Janette, it will end up totally destroying me.
Can I please ask, do you family and friends who you can rely on and who support you, although I realise nothing can compensate for the loss of our soulmates, I think the loneliness and isolation magnifies everything. I feel that I’m in a really bad place xx
12 months yesterday since my Bill passed away. His son popped in to see me on his way home from work and not once did he mention his dad - I just wondered why he called. He always tells me when he’s been to visit the grave and yet when Bill was alive we hardly saw him.
My neighbour came round and we raised a glass of wine to Bill and chatted about him, which was lovely.
I love and miss him so much. Nothing has any meaning any more - no reason to do anything.
Words alone cannot express how I feel and while I know that everyone here is experiencing similar reactions and supporting each other I feel it’s time I gave up posting.
I sincerely feel for you all and send my love 
and hugs to everyone.
Hi Eve,
I can totally empathise with the way your feeling, Jeff has left a big void in my life , he was always the big kid , up to mischief , full of life and I cant understand how he’s no longer here, gone in a few weeks , no warning , no illness . I still cant believe it really . The house is so so quiet without him, well everywhere is so quiet without him . I even miss his mess around the house , god how id love to have that back .
Im so sorry you don’ t have the support network you need and Im appalled at your cousins response . you don’t need those type of people in your life anyway.
In due time maybe you can make some new connections ? something to think about for the future . No point thinking about it now as you just need to get through the days, lean on your son, he needs you too .
I am lucky enough to have a small group of friends and an older sister I can rely on , I have an older brother too but he lives miles away , but I know he’ll be there for me if I need him . He’s not great at emotional support bless him , but he tries . I have no children , Jeff had 2 , but dont see them often .
My bestie lives in the same street, so pops in most days and if I need someone to take me somewhere she’ll will help with that, as will another old friend. You may find this strange , but I’m borrowing my besties husband for walks about twice a week - he needs rehab for a chest problem so we keep each other company whilst we get some excercise. Being with someone whilst out eases the anxiety a bit . My sister is somewhat older than me at 77 and doesn’t drive so is limited what she can do for me . She lost her husband a couple of years ago so is quite wise with her advice as she’s been through it. I see her about once a week. One of Jeffs friends has been a rock for me , he was there throughout the trauma of his coma and his death, so we now get try and get together once a week or so for something . He’s taking me to the cinema tomorrow. I have a few old work colleagues who will be support if I need , but they’re still working and have busy lives . There also our allotment community who are helping with practical things and messages of support etc . So all that said, I suppose I’m very lucky …
Jeffs kids…to be honest since the funeral contact with them has been very limited . Cant understand it though, as my stepdaughter was great support throughout the whole coma thing ,( stepson was as useful as a chocolate fireguard !) I think she’s struggling too and I bring back too many bad memories .
I mentioned new contacts earlier and this is why…
An old work colleague messaged me a few weeks ago , Ive not seen her for 15 years maybe and we weren’t that close , she lost her husband , also called Jeff a year ago , so we thought we’d meet up last week . she’s somewhat older than me at 78 , but she’s been there , it was really nice talking to her and she felt the same . 2 people going through the same thing , We’ll meet up again soon . The reason I mention this is if you can find some connection with someone who knows what you’re feeling near to you I think it will benefit you. Think about your wider contacts - old colleagues , friends you haven’t seen for ages . It may not come to you immediately the way you’re feeling at the moment.
wish I lived close so I could come and see you .
You will be in a very dark place right now , so I would urge you to contact your doctor if you haven’t already , they should be able to refer you to some counselling . It does help to talk to someone professional . Does the hospice Michael was at have any bereavement groups you might consider ?
I’ve had a bad day today - was supposed to be going out just for a coffee with a couple of ex work colleagues , but had to cancel at last minute due to an impending meltdown . Hey ho … thats our life now .
sending hugs x keep talking x
ohh Harriet ,
You don’t have to give up posting altogether , I know it can get all consuming , but I’m sure you’ll still need the support of this community for a while . Just bob in when you feel like .
Hi Brummy ,
Jeff has his computer set up on the dining table, used to drive me potty cos he wasn’t the tidiest of blokes , but I would give my right arm for the mess to be there again . haven’t moved anything of his , just put it in neater piles. Everything else is still where it was , walking boots still by the door .
Thanks for your reply. Yes, I could do with support, as Bill’s children have their own families. I guess it’s not a good time for me - feeling sorry for myself - but I can’t feel l any support on here. I know everyone has their own feelings and problems and guess I just expect too much.
Thanks everyone.