@PSHm3
I am not sure everything happens for a reason, I tend to think more along the lines of stuff often happens randomly.
Of course that doesn’t bring much comfort, but as a pragmatist, dressing up words in pink fluff doesn’t help me, nor bring him back. It is what it is, and one must manage this maelstrom of shite as best as possible. As I said in another post, my only advice is to ‘roll with it’; whatever emotion visits you, just accept it, and let it in. That has been very helpful for me. It is ok not to feel ok.
I am conscious that words can sometimes appear quite cliched, but no words can ‘really’ help, and one just has to get through this in the least damaging way (to themselves) as possible. The positive aspect of forums is that you know others are ‘suffering’/feeling this as you are, (how bizarre to take some comfort from others suffering, but you get the jist of it) and often reading about what others are feeling gives the sense you are not alone. But the reality is in the darkness of night one is very much alone.
I was in shock for a couple of weeks, panic attacks, of course not eating, and this dreadful overwhelming massive wave of realising I was alone now. These feelings have, over time, subsided. Of course, it’s not ‘great’ but it is better than the first couple of months. My thought process was a mess, it still is, albeit slowly improving.
Contrary to what many say, the funeral wasn’t ‘too bad’ all things considered, but as it can be viewed as a chapter closing or whatever, then one is left after that with renewed feelings of ‘Shit, what now’ and ‘She’s/he’s gone’ (in my case, 4 months later, I still have the inquest to go through). You will naturally start to look ahead (only a bit!) when the time is right. For the moment, it’s the ‘here and now’.
I wrote this back in Nov, it’s amazing how far I have come in just 3 months, if it’s helpful for you:
(Practical and pragmatic, but not this time)
Lots of setbacks, there are triggers waiting behind every corner, waiting to jump out at you when you least expect them; a random tree on a road was a massive setback for me (I wrote about it on another forum)
Anyway, take care.
