Nothing helps

I lost my husband in September 2024 to cancer. He passed away in my arms. I can never forget the last few days in the hospice—they make me so, so sad.

I have so many friends, neighbors, and pets around me to support me, and I thank them a million times over. Yet, I still feel nothing truly helps.

I have work to do, I am part of a few local social groups, I read, and I play the piano. I also have a sweet dog to look after. But again, nothing seems to help. I still feel pain every day, and I still cry every day.

Sometimes, I feel like there’s nothing worthwhile for me to carry on. The only comfort I find is knowing that my husband went before me—otherwise, it would have been him to suffer.

I accept that this is my life now—living a meaningless life and crying every day. If I were diagnosed with cancer, I wouldn’t seek any treatment. I would just let myself go.

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Hello @Sam08092024 ,

I can see that you’re new to the community, so I wanted to say that I am so sorry for the loss of your husband that brings you here and that you are feeling pain and sadness every day.

I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few Sue Ryder resources with you that may help right now.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,

Alex

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i read your post and so sorry for your loss yes it is a very hard time i lost my husband of 48 years 8 months ago today and it is crap but it is worthwhile you carrying on because they were robbed of their lives so we have to live for them as best we can till we meet them again like yourself days and nights are very hard but some days we seem to get their but it is early days for you so its one step at a time thats the best we can do and crying is all part of this journey we are on which is shit so just keep doing what you do

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It’s only 3 weeks, I haven’t even buried my yet, but so much on here resonates.

I might have written your last two paragraphs here myself. The same with other posts on here about it was always enough to be just the two of us and how our loss has left us totally alone.

Take comfort in knowing she’s not suffering any more, that others understand or even that I’ll learn to live with my grief. Seriously? Talking to someone else who is going through this, grief support and counselling work - sorry but again, seriously? I know myself too well to believe that.

‘Time has a way of healing, it can dry all the tears from your eyes, but they don’t tell you about this empty feeling…’ my favourite song goes. The second part gets it right at least but time? I’ve got far too much as it is.

Besides, the sheer number of people on here, often in the middle of the night, months, even years, after the loss of their partner, suggests that, for so many of us, nothing works.

I do share your pain and genuinely hope you, and others trapped in this same darkness, find something, some light, anything that helps at all. A reason to fight perhaps?

My wife fought, she fought hard for more than three years. Should I do the same? Why bother?

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Sorry you are here, none of us want to be.
My husband died on 8 th October, he was only 56 so 3+ months into this shit show for me.

It is incredibly tough for you at the moment and I hope you find some kind of comfort in one form or another here.
It is so raw for you now and you are smack bang in the middle of this maelstrom.

My strategy was/is just to ‘roll with it’ whichever emotion decides to knock on your door, accept it, and let it in. Don’t fight it, as the emotion will win, every time. I am having ok days now. You will too. In time. Why bother? Your wife will have wanted you to. And one day, you will want to.

I won’t lie, it’s a bloody bumpy up and down road, but one day in the future, whenever that may be, the rawness will lose its edge, and the grief will become a part of you that you will ‘learn’ to live with in the future.
Helen.

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I can’t promise you anything, but you are not alone and I am thinking of you and hope your pain eases someday. Take care :heart:

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Thank you, Helen, for taking the time to reply and hold out some hope. Nearly worked too, until I got to what’s become one of my trigger phrases; the ‘your wife would have wanted’ one makes me yell, ‘No, she would have wanted to stay with me, she fought hard enough!’ or something like that.
It means something though, Helen, that you’ve tried to help - the first response to my first ever post. I can only wish you awell and a journey without so many bumps.

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@PSHm3
Point taken. Apologies if it came across as a bit of a cliche. Absolutely feel free to yell, my skin is like a rhino skin, and yelling or venting, or ranting, whatever you want to call it, may be a ‘good thing’ for you (whatever good means). I’ll try not to include triggers in future posts, but if I do, let me know :grimacing:
It is somewhat stating the obvious that of course your wife would have wanted to stay with you. In my defence (!) I think I may have omitted that bit, as I am in a slightly different position to many on here; in that my spouse killed himself, so although he may have wanted to stay with me, his demons decided otherwise. Shit happens.
Anyone who takes the time to find their way here, deserves at least a response and some kind of support, even if it’s only words to show there are a lot of us in the same boat.
There are loads of good threads on here; you may find some that are helpful.
Look after yourself.
H

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Your story is mine and I feel as you do. It is the price we pay for having loved and been loved.

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No apologies needed. Ever. It’s the intent that’s important not the words. I’ll not insult you by pretending to understand how you must feel to lose your husband this way but I do feel for you. Sometimes, despite everything you do, the demons win.
Everything happens for a reason, people seem fond of saying.Really? I’ve always hated that phrase, always muttered something along the lines of ’ Yeah, reason being is that life is cruel’ ( a nicer version of how I usually put it.)
Shit happens indeed. Often to people who deserve it least.
I’m glad to hear that you now get ok days. Not much to ask for. I hope you get more… And quickly.
Take care of yourself too.

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@PSHm3
I am not sure everything happens for a reason, I tend to think more along the lines of stuff often happens randomly.

Of course that doesn’t bring much comfort, but as a pragmatist, dressing up words in pink fluff doesn’t help me, nor bring him back. It is what it is, and one must manage this maelstrom of shite as best as possible. As I said in another post, my only advice is to ‘roll with it’; whatever emotion visits you, just accept it, and let it in. That has been very helpful for me. It is ok not to feel ok.

I am conscious that words can sometimes appear quite cliched, but no words can ‘really’ help, and one just has to get through this in the least damaging way (to themselves) as possible. The positive aspect of forums is that you know others are ‘suffering’/feeling this as you are, (how bizarre to take some comfort from others suffering, but you get the jist of it) and often reading about what others are feeling gives the sense you are not alone. But the reality is in the darkness of night one is very much alone.

I was in shock for a couple of weeks, panic attacks, of course not eating, and this dreadful overwhelming massive wave of realising I was alone now. These feelings have, over time, subsided. Of course, it’s not ‘great’ but it is better than the first couple of months. My thought process was a mess, it still is, albeit slowly improving.

Contrary to what many say, the funeral wasn’t ‘too bad’ all things considered, but as it can be viewed as a chapter closing or whatever, then one is left after that with renewed feelings of ‘Shit, what now’ and ‘She’s/he’s gone’ (in my case, 4 months later, I still have the inquest to go through). You will naturally start to look ahead (only a bit!) when the time is right. For the moment, it’s the ‘here and now’.

I wrote this back in Nov, it’s amazing how far I have come in just 3 months, if it’s helpful for you:
(Practical and pragmatic, but not this time)
Lots of setbacks, there are triggers waiting behind every corner, waiting to jump out at you when you least expect them; a random tree on a road was a massive setback for me (I wrote about it on another forum)
Anyway, take care.

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It’s good to know that the can be a slight easing in pain, if that’s the right word, probably not. I thank you for sharing that there is a little hope, if only a little. These sort of messages really help when you’re still in the maelstrom of it all.

Thank you. :pray:

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Its a really really bad time I know. My wife died just 59 days ago and it hurts every day. I don’t have anything like the support group like you have, it’s just me and my dog Meg. My dog now although she was always my wifes dog and she has very little time for me except when she needs food or walking.
One friend I do have here in the village who lost his wife just 18 months ago reminded me that my wife Carol only every wanted what was best for me and I only every wanted what was best for her for the whole of the 36 years we were together. More importantly she would have wanted the best for me even after she died. Life goes on and all that.
I previously suffered with quite bad depression and I could find hundreds of reasons for ending my life at the time. But Carol was the one thing that I had that was worth continuing with life. Now she has gone the same feelings are with me. I no longer have Carol but I do have a promise I made to her to look after the dog and myself. I have a degree of comfort knowing that if the very worst happens I can exercise the option, but with the thought of Carol and her love for me plus my promise made to her as we knew she only had a few weeks left, the plans remain the very last option.
I really hope that my life and yours become very much easier over the coming days, weeks and years. Hang in there and remember your husband would only want the very best for you.
All the very best
Derek

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Thanks a million everyone! I know all of you have battles to fight and pain in your hearts. Thanks for your input! I know now I am not alone! I find that audio books and dramas make me lose myself in the stories. Still - emotions always win. I have no choice but listen to it. I hope we all cope along with our own ways. Hope we can alo have peace!

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@JonnyBadger You are welcome.

Of course, it’s still dreadful, but often now, it is a ‘bearable’ dreadful. I think, in my case, once the inquest is over, it will signify another chapter closing, and a new chapter beginning.
The rawness will pass, and eventually be replaced by a long term grief, which over time will become an integral part of one’s being. We will all carry the grief, but hopefully out world will grow, making room for the grief too.
Best wishes…
Helen.

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I guess it never gets easier, it just changes in name, Instead of loss, it becomes, normal.

Not sure it gets ‘easier’ but it probably becomes more manageable in time.

H

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I am so sorry, it is so hard. i am almost 2 years without the love of my life and still, like today I cry because I miss him. I have a journal , I write as if i am talking to him, about him andhow I feel and what I have done. I walk the dog and my mantra is always if not with you then for you.I am moving very soon from our home of 46 years to a smaller home ( and I will make it home!) to be nearer our son and family, it is exctiing but also very scary and at times I am angry that I am doing this alone. However I tell myself each day that he would be very proud of what I am managing to do but the hole in my heart would, I am sure be ,visible on an xray. There is light at the end of that very long black tunnel but grief stays we just have to accept it. As they say , it is the price we pay for love. Be good to yourself , remember all that love and smile through those tears . Despite everything I have found that every day something good happens, no matter how small. A message from a friend , a silly call from our grandson and yesterday when walking the dog I watched
2 hares chase each other across the field. I spoke out loud to tell my husband and I felt at peace. x

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So sorry to hear about your husband sadly it’s a journey all of us in this group has had follow. I lost my wife and soulmate in October last year. I can relate to all of your comments especially the fact that you are “glad you went first to spear him the pain you are now going through. I also thought the same because it’s a pain like nothing else and there seems to be no let up you go to sleep questioning every detail and wake up with it then spend the day in a deep depression going through the same details day in day out. Like you I also wished I could also pass to be with my wife and stop the on going grief and pain.

I suspect you are nodding at these comments and thinking yes Well I think most of us in this group can relate to them.

In my case I still tear up most days and think about my wife and I suspect I will for the rest of my life. But my life has got better as I have adapted to my new life don’t know how I have done this, but time most definitely teaches us to live with the pain and loneliness because even friends and family don’t really understand what it is to lose. A partner but it does get easier as time passes

Be prepared for set backs in your journey because there will be some. I described it like seeing light at the end of a tunnel only to find it’s a express train hurling towards you This will also get better in time ask yourself what your husband would have wanted for you if things had been reversed I suspect he would have wanted you to grieve for him but also enjoy the rest of your time because that’s the kind of love we have for our soulmates

Sorry for not sugar coating the journey you have ahead but it does get easier as time passes take each day at a time and do the things you want to do at your pace

Sending hugs and positive thoughts to you and everyone going though this terrible time

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My darlin’ @Sam08092024
So much of what you wrote resonates with me.
I’m 2 years, 5 months, 1 day in…
Everything is more s**t than ever…
I have two little dogs… They have saved me thats for sure…
I feel all the time that I have no purpose, and I get the bit about cancer diagnosis.
A few weeks ago I had a scare… Had to have a colonoscopy… It showed no cancer, just that I have diverticulitis and anemia…
Part of me disappointed there was no cancer… A way of getting back to my Phil quicker… Not many people you can admit that sort of feeling to .

And I 100% agree about being thankful he went before me … I could not bear to think of him suffering like I am now.

I honestly feel that my only purpose in life now is to keep my husband, my Phil ‘alive’ and never , ever forgotten.
But it’s exhausting… Totally…

Love, hugs and strength
:yellow_heart::hugs::pray:

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