Hey, Friends, a bit of a grumbly post.
One of the things that has galled me most since my husband passed, is people insisting that I will or must or should find another man. This came in the first WEEK after losing him. I actually felt physically sick.
I realise that people may be well-intentioned when they say such things - they don’t want you to be lonely - but I feel like smacking them sometimes. It…what word am I looking for… belittles the love I have for Ken, as though it’s less legitimate just because he died. I still consider Ken to be my husband, I don’t give a damn what the law says, I can’t see myself ever removing my wedding ring, and I am not interested in another relationship. He is my forever love, and I want to be with him when it’s my turn to go. I don’t at all judge any widowed person who has found another relationship, I just don’t want that for myself. I’m busy learning what a relationship with a husband in spirit will look like. I find it particularly irritating when people ARGUE the point with me - for example, they raise the subject of me finding somebody else, I tell them firmly that I am not interested, and they say “Oh, but you’ll change your mind.”
I have not ruled out that I may have a friend in future - just a friend - for drives etc. If I ever do, it will be about companionship, and will be nothing like what I had with Ken. Ken will always be my husband, and I have no intention of “moving on” from that. It annoys me incredibly that finding another partner is seen as the only “healthy” way to move forward. And I’m not sure that “find somebody else” is necessarily always well-intentioned either - the loudest voices have come from Ken’s family, and I’m pretty sure that this is about wishing to be rid of me (whole other story). I get very cranky when this advice comes from women who still have their husbands to go home to.
I left a Facebook page about a year ago, because a friend of mine had posted about still feeling married to her late husband, and was attacked for it. The people running that page suggested that she was looking for support to “keep grieving” (how condescending) and that saying you don’t want another partner because you had the best is like refusing to eat a steak just because you had a good one in the past - yes, they really did compare the loss of a partner to steak eating, and no, I’m not joking. I was absolutely furious and told them so.
I think there’s an image of widows who don’t “move on”, “get back out there” etc as sad old relics living in the past. But fortunately, I’ve now come to know plenty of widows who do not feel that another relationship is for them, and who still live full lives.
I’m learning to be alone but not lonely. I think Ken’s very much alive spirit abides with me. I wish that, when it comes to the topic of finding somebody else, people would let the widowed person lead. Even if they think he or she will eventually change their mind, it’s not relevant right now - it doesn’t matter what somebody may choose to do in future. How about meeting people where they’re at right now? I believe the choice not to have another relationship is perfectly valid and okay.
It doesn’t make sense to me when people say “You’ll find love again.” I already HAVE love, even if it is no longer physical. Ken loved me for the rest of his life, and I’ll love him for the rest of mine.
Would love anybody’s thoughts. How do YOU deal with “get back out there”, “Put yourself on Tinder” etc.?
Louise xo
