Sometimes it irritates me when people say that “the first year is worse “
The first year is awful but so is the second year —- different kind of awfulness!
I miss him all the time - I think about him all the time - 28 months later my pain is not lesser it is a quieter pain I imbedded in me all the time
I think about the so many things Jack doesn’t know are happening- he never heard of COVID-19 or lockdowns , he doesn’t know I moved house, he hasn’t seen the old house nicely decorated to go to someone else - so many things
Ohhh how I miss him
Jack doesn’t know of the new walks I discovered, he doesn’t know how I miss him and how I suffer his absence
I miss him when I am walking alone, when I am alone in the house in my best grey wet days
I miss his hand touching mine , I miss him holding and kissing me - I miss my partner, the one I could share chores, problems and joy
And then I think what to do with me - I used to go out ( before lockdown), I paint I do cross stitch, I see my kids, I talk to friends , I spend time with my grandchildren - but I miss Jack - I try hard but I haven’t been able to find meaning in my life - I don’t have 1 oz of joy inside me I feel tired, weary.
Life is so odd without Jack
I miss him - I don’t feel whole - I died when Jack did and now I am this new person trying to exist is a positive way - and it is exhausting
I am sure you will understand because you probably feel like me
Sadie x
Sadie thank you for your honest post. it’s obvious you love Jack in a way I can emphathise with and understand.
it’s horrid living things that our other half didn’t experience. I’ve only had a small taste of these new things without my René that he doesn’t know about, it’s hurting every day. More days of that cant help.
I’m “only” (feels like years already… fast and slow… a different unreal timezone) a few months after he died and sure I can see things are different now compared to right afterwards for me (now I only don’t care to live versus earlier I actively wanted to die). Is that much better, I’m not sure.
“When you’re in love you know you’re in love no matter what you do. you might as well resign yourself to what you’re going through” are the lyrics of a song on my husband’s smart speaker just as I was reading your post and they feel apt. We won’t get over this, hopefully we can make our lives as comfortable as possible, kinda like palliative care but I don’t expect more than that. How can we hope for more when our dreams came true and now they are gone forever.
On a side note I learned this morning that crying with your mouth open whilst cutting your toenails is a bad idea unless you really are suicidal (4th time i cut my toenails since… somehow I really can’t bear it that they keep growing now so leave them until I can bear it no more then cry). Never in my wildest nightmares did I imagine I’d be learning stuff like this.
Sadie…I’ve come on here and your post just broke me…no worries I cry every day a year on…and why do we feel it will get easier…no it won’t… …but sometimes when you feel so low…such a waste of space…not recognising yourself when you look in a mirror…such emptiness…such worthlessness…I read your post and realise I’m not alone…so thankyou for your honesty and I’m sorry you feel like me x
That is exactly how I feel 3 months on if anything I feel worse as the reality of this has hit home. We were together for 37 years from being 14 I do not know life without him and feel lost .
Take care x
Sadie I can really relate to your post. I lost my husband Peter 21 months ago aged 50. There is not a day go past I don’t cry. Pete had an awful terminal illness all of his life but we managed to get 30 years together. Life has changed beyond recognition and I have been left feeling like I don’t have a purpose. I know I will miss Pete every day for the rest of my life and the adjustment is so hard. I lost my lovely Dad in June. I question everything all of the time. I try to sit outside as much as I can (even in this awful weather in between the rain) for me it helps a little with the constant feeling of being so lonely. I always hear the phrase we are lucky to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all but I don’t feel lucky. I do believe Pete is around me all of the time and try to take comfort in that. Sending you a hug and please know you are not alone xx
Heather…I just read your post …a year since I lost my darling steve…I too sit outside I’ve got our dog and I dont see anyone for days but…your post…I could have wrote it…take care xx ann
Ann I am so sorry that you could have written my post. Life is so cruel sometimes and it’s always feels like the kindest people get taken from us far too soon. I am sending you a huge hug xx
Hi . I am new on here . I understand exactly what u r going through . I sit up late at night early hours of the morn thinking things over & over . I lost my husband Sept 2019 age 64 , I was 57 . All u can do is take one day at a time & do what ever u feel like , tiny steps . My thoughts r with u ladies .
Jo I’m so so sorry …cant say anything else …but… I’m on my own with a dog we got together…i hope your children will comfort you…no words describe what we are all going thru…stay safe and message on here…I’ve learned this is the only family who understands xx
Yes…I’m sorry I feel all your thoughts…what you wrote was so beautiful …full of love I cant bring myself to write what is in my heart for my steve…you can…xx thankyou
Dear SadSadie, I’m 2 months into second year with my lovely wife now. I just finished reading the letters on this forum - but for me, your letter hit the spot as to how I am feeling these days. Yes, it’s hard to go on without her. I feel guilty throwing out her old towels, pillow cases. etc. now, but in a way she was a pack rat (no offense intended). I recalled when I was still working in our early days, that she would be sitting on the floor folding all the clothes - she always kept herself busy at home. She was good at keeping everything orderly and neat.
I try to keep up with way she had it all - Unfortunately I could keep her plants alive – except two. I’d take her back in a heartbeat just as she was if it were possible. Well, what can I say I am trying to keep her memory alive and her home the way she would have wanted it. She had so many plans — I’m going to get some of these things when Old Man Winter clears our here. I haven’t forgotten her and I’m a bit down hearted but I always remember that I loved her with all heart. I miss her every day - my life is not the same anymore (I sometimes feel like I’m fading away), but so many of you on this forum show me that you all have hearts that care about each other. I come on this site to imbibe of the courage or heartfelt care you have for one another. This is, in my opinion what makes us all what we are - I just wanted to echo or share my thoughts with as many of you as possible.
Herb
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