Hi Paul
I’m so sorry that as well as losing the love of your life, you’ve lost other family members that could have helped you through. I am lucky that I have them but I do find that I’m not open with all my feelings as I don’t want them to worry about me, you become good at pretending.
I’ve surrounded myself with photos to remind me of the good times, I know they can also remind you that you won’t get to do that again, but for me they remind me that we were happy, but more importantly he was happy, I made him happy for the rest of his life. The sadness is that that wasn’t long enough and he isn’t here for the rest of my life. Not sure if that makes sense.
I contemplated selling our apartment but I went on my own last year (when we could travel) and it felt comfortable it was our happy place and I could feel Derek there, I now think I couldn’t bear to part with it so take some time with the decision on your boat.
Wishing you all the best.
Jo
Hi B
Thank you for your reply and advice, I think you are right I will leave it for 12 months, it is so difficult because I too feel I can never go on our boat again on my own but at the same time I dread the thought of selling it as it was our second home. And yes I am really struggling with all of Cathy’s clothes and possessions too so thank you I will do nothing for now. Take care Paul.
Hi Jo
Thank you , yes I know what you mean, you keep so much inside, it’s like when people say “are you ok” we are clearly not ok but usually reply yes thanks, most people don’t understand how we feel. Pleased you can look at photos, I will have to try. Yes I know what you mean it does make sense. It’s good that you kept the apartment, I will wait a while to decide what to do with our boat, thanks , take care Paul
Hi Paul,
Thank you for your reply I totally empathise with you . Graham was my box too . How you have explained your world being that other person and being so content with that is how we lived too. He was my best friend and all I ever wanted which now makes it totally devastating. Hope you managed to speak to someone about counselling. Take care Julie
I’m beginning to think about the circumstances as you say. Me being the only widow aged 54 of all our close group friends. I’ll feel like the leper of the group from now on.
Hi Sheila,
I just came across a kept message of yours and my replies.
WE were communicating around New Year. You had had German She;herds. I had had retrievers and a cow!
Something about you must have made me keep yours!
So I just wondered how you are?
You said and I quote “We have always had German Shepherd dogs, cats, goldfish, parrots, Lovebirds, Cockatiels, but after Peter died I still had our Barney a German Shepherd dog, he was the size of a small pony he was huge with long hair and very big boned but he died of cancer three years after Peter and I could not face any more heartache so I never got another pet. I now find I just want to do what I want to do when I want to do it”
I hope you are enjoying the spring coming on.
From Devon!
Love Antoinette
Sadie, your post was beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss and I totally agree with the fact that it does not get any easier, it’s been 9 months since my husband died suddenly and I still have to remind myself of the fact. He was only 53 and we had started planning retirement, holidays, moving etc but now I don’t want to do any of that. Im not looking forward to lockdown lifting as then I will have to make an excuse for not going out. And this is from the person that could “enjoy herself in an empty room”. I am not the person I was, and I miss the person I used to be, happy, chatty, I played in a brass band with my husband and now I can’t face lifting my instrument as the person I enjoyed life with has gone, leaving a gaping hole. I go through stages of sad, angry, lonely, I still can’t concentrate for long and have lost my passion for reading (my brain just feels fuzzy!!) I dread the 1 year anniversary as I believe people will think I should be getting better when I can only limp along in a vague new normal way. Thanks for your sad but lovely post, I needed to read that and know that what I am going through is similar to others and I can share this with people who understand
Sheila,
How lovely to get that reply.
I didn’t say about the 7 years in what I saved. Strange. But that must have been it. I had found it difficult answering other people because they all wanted to believe they would start feeling much much better and I don’t think it is like that. It changes, but it is still raw, just having to make a life alone and to feel there is much point. I always had something useful to do. Now I can’t. For me it is 7 years this next September. I think it must have been so hard for so many who have lost their beloveds, to have to deal with being locked down for a year.
I had a cow when the children were young!, for two years and all the other creatures, hens, ducks etc. The last retriever died 13 years ago and I was left with 3 cats. I have one left. I could not have another dog because I was 70 and did not know how long I would live. My mother died at 76. I would never leave an elderly dog to be re-homed.
You were in S Devon and I am in North Devon. I had to leave the home we were in for nearly 50 years, which was in a valley by the sea. . I have just looked up the new plans for the house and it is going to be gutted! All the old stuff is coming outing our beautiful bedroom will provide a vaulted ceiling for the room below. That was the best view in the house, down the valley!
after a year I scattered John’s ashes, with the family, at the old home, in the woods, the stream, the garden, everywhere. John WAS the valley. How clever of you to remember his name.
I think of your family down in Dawlish. My daughter lives in Plymouth. I have seen her 3 times in the year. My son and little family live in Thailand! They have a fabulous life.
Stay well.
Great to hear from you. I would rather have an email address, but am not sure how to send you a private message.
My love
Antoinette
I think I know what you mean my wife of 20 years died in January of terminal cancer.
I still turn to talk to her I’m missing a vital part of me in her
I know what you mean. My husband died 4 weeks ago (the funeral was today) and I still can’t believe he’s not here. I even wanted to tell him who turned up outside the church today and what people said…apart from, he’s not here to tell. I don’t know that I’ll ever get used to this.
I lost my husband New Years Eve, and yes it is so hard, I found that I talk to him, ask what he thinks, tell him what has happened, keep him close while I can’t let go completely. I also write to him every night, as if a conversation, I can cope. I am going to do the plans and things we were going to do, because I am living and am healthy for an old one, and how dare I waste my time. I can hear him saying as I am typing this. Obviously I have a ‘mental’ problem, he would say, but I cope with one face for the world 75% of the time and for the other 25%, is my other private face, and I let go. Life is not fair, and but I try to be positive. To everyone, take care.