Ohhh how I miss him

Hi Jodie1712,

Im sorry for your loss, its awful isn’t it. There is no answer, its just plodding on everyday. Getting it off your chest is good, I have also been in a similar position. My darling John was 68 when he first starting having symptoms, shortness of breath and low sodium. He was know COPD so everyone we saw put it down to that, also he liked his pint and that was the given explanation for the low sodium. I argued that he had always liked a little drink and why all of a sudden was he having all these problems, I didn’t really get an answer, from then on it was regular admissions to hospital to correct the sodium. We continued like this for 3 years, until he had what they thought was a chest infection, and our GP said he should have a chest xray to check the infection. It was a week later that we got the devastating news that it was lung cancer, stage 4 and it was terminal. 6 months later on 6th October 2018, my lover, soul mate and best friend left me. The consultant told me that low sodium was a common indicator in lung cancer. I was very angry and also felt very guilty. Angry because not one doctor or the COPD nurse though to do a chest xray which would have revealed the cancer earlier. And guilty because I am a registered Nurse and I never thought either. But what’s done is done. I have had to let go of the anger and guilt because its self destructive. Regardless of the shortcomings in his treatment, the final outcome would have been the same. We may have had a little more time but it was still going to happen.
Take care x

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Just an add on to my previous post, it has taken 2 years for me to let go of the anger and guilt. Its still there under the surface but does not dominate my thoughts like it once did.
Take care everybody x

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Heather I send you a big hug!
We try hard to find explanations and we wish to have done things differently but we did the best we could !!
Good night
Sadie xx

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So sorry Heather I think the hardest thing is to stop the ‘if only’s’ from dominating your thoughts. I am finding they are not the first thing I think of now, although on a low day they’re still very much there.
Take care
Jo

Hi Julie, I am sorry for your loss, I lost my wife to cancer 5 months ago, Cathy was my soulmate, we had been together for 33 years, we did everything together, I am 55 so like you feel it is so unfair that we are widowed in our 50`s. I now live alone, I have no children, Have step children but they never get in touch to see how I am. I feel so alone and miss her constantly. Take care, Paul

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Hi Sadie
I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my wife Cathy to cancer in September after 33 years together and I too feel the same way as you do, she was diagnosed with lung cancer less than a year previous but we both stayed strong for each other and believed we would get through it, we never once spoke of dying which I now regret and yes there was so much to do, I didnt realise how much I relied on Cathy for everything, but once she was diagnosed I did everything I could for her but now feel it was not enough. We too had a terrible lack of treatment from our local hospital in Boston and had to chase them up all the time for Chemotherapy, scans ,appointments etc, they never offered Radiotherapy which would have helped as we found out after getting a second opinion at the Royal Marsden but by then it was too late. Again Macmillan nurses were useless and patronising, not responding to my calls or emails. I feel I should put a complaint in but dont have the energy at the moment . Take care Paul

Hi Paul
It is all so sad - in a moment when we feel so lost and need help the people supposed to help you they are not there. When you have the energy I suggest you once a complaint to the doctors and Macmillan nurses — they can only improve when they hear feed back and you actually will feel better for the complaint

I also learned to do lots of things that used to be Jack’s domain -

Today I was in the supermarket in front of the grapefruits ( Jack loved grapefruit and I hate them). Any it started playing Born in the USA which Jack loved and I could see him singing and dancing to it !! How can I explain to most people about this sad moment in the supermarket
Take care
Sadie xx

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Hi Sadie
Your supermarket moment made me smile and remember some of the silly things we did. Derek was the chef of the family but when the side dishes needed microwaving that was my domain. He called me the ‘dinging queen’ we then did a rendition of that to ABBA’s ‘dancing Queen’. I’ve got a memory book that I started writing all these funny stories in and that has really helped.
One day I hope these funny & happy memories are the first thing I think of and not the sadness & despair I feel every morning when I wake up realising another day without My Derek.
Take care x

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I felt so sorry that you did not get any proper replies to that tale of nightmare. And how utterly helpless you must have felt. I understand much of what you are saying because in the loss of 5 babies in utero I had things go wrong and was treated badly. The first 8 1/2 months should not have died and with a blood change then the others would have survived. We did not know then and the attitude was so different. Much of it was cruel. Then when John was first ill in 2009 I battled with him and his doctors for 18 months, to get them to understand as I had from the beginning, because I thought it obvious that he had something seriously wrong. Then he collapsed at 5am one Sunday morning and I rushed him to hospital with a blockage. When it all came back in 2011 I had to do battler again with the same doctors for a year. "That is prostate, that pain is just his back, that is just bowel problems etc. No it is all from one source i can tell, I would say, but they would not check. They are wonderful in certain circumstances, beyond wonderful, but not in others, just as doctors finally deal in pills or in sending one for operations and that is that. What it has taken out of you over that time of feeling helpless is unquantifiable. And yet it feels wrong to say anything. I feel so sad for you and for Derek. You were too young. John was 78 and we had had 49 stunning years, but after 6 years I still feel deeply lonely without him. We are all good at being positive but underneath… What its sad is that it leaves some anger about which again one feels guilty so we push that way.I don’t want to be angry, but I am. You are young enough that I hope there is life out there for you. My love to you.

Hi Paul I’m so sorry for your loss. Your experience is so similar together for such a long time with your soulmate who is no longer there. It’s so hard and I know exactly how you feel . It’s the loneliness, emptiness and sadness the sad fact is other people’s lives do carry on whilst we are left truly devastated I tried to explain this to our daughter as to why I was feeling this way. . Like I said to her she has a life and family at home yes I spend time with them and then come home to just feeling numb. As time goes on it’s getting harder I may look into bereavement counselling. Take care Julie x

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Hi Julie
Exactly what you are explained to your daughter dit to my children - all of them miss their dad and grieve for him - but their lives haven’t changed - they have their partners, they have their kids their partners - while my life has changed, I have changed and none of these changes are for better
I truly don’t think that hey can understand as I didn’t understand how devastating it is to loose person with whom you shared so much with
Take care
Sadie xx

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Hi Sadie
Thank you for your reply and thoughts, yes I think I will write when I feel up to it and it could help someone else. Good to hear your supermarket experience, I know what you mean tho it is bitter sweet memories. People say you must remember the good times but it hurts so much because they were “our” memories now they are only mine which makes me feel more alone. Take care Paul x

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Hi julie
Thanks for your reply , yes you are right, everyone else just gets on with their lives but our life as it was is and will always be over. I look on it as boxes, my step children ( now grown up with families) had their mum as one of the boxes in their life but also have partners children, jobs, hobbies, friends etc so their mum was a small box to their lives. My wife was my only box, we did everything together and because we were so content with each each others company we had very few friends so my life has gone. That’s strange you said about bereavement counselling as I am going to ring one tomorrow to see if it will help. Take care Paul x

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Hi Paul,

You are so right as my mothe in law keeps telling me remember the good memories and can not bear to remember, even can not look at the pictures. It just makes me remember how big thing in my life i have lost, a big big painful hole i need to carry it whole my life…

Hi Nuran. Remembering the good times is so hard isn’t it? It just reminds you that that one thing/ person that was your whole life is gone and so is part of your life with it.
When you have only lived for each other it comes as a total shock to the system and we weren’t ready for it.
We can only put one foot in front of the other on a daily basis. Tears are our best release. I wouldn’t want my lovely husband to be going through what I am suffering at the moment because of his loss. Take care, Love and light. x

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Hi Paul
Our 2 girls, I call them ours as I’ve been with their Dad since they were little, but they are my step-daughters. They are both married & one is in Glasgow, one more locally. They have been so good & they have lost their Dad but as you say, and as my doctor said in the early days, those around you have their own lives, they’ll be very sad, but in essence their lives are the same. In effect yours has ended too because all the plans you had have gone, the future you had had gone. We’d just moved into a small flat which was our bolt hole, Derek had taken early retirement, I was retiring last March & we were moving to our little apartment in Spain that we bought 5 years ago. He passed away before that could happen so we actually had our future mapped out. I still retired in March as I was on long term bereavement leave anyway but I can’t see my future without him. He was my future, my whole life. The only thing really keeping me going is my Mum & Derek’s Dad & he’s lost his son which you don’t ever expect. They’ve both lost their partners so I feel at least I can share with them, as they know what it’s like.
Take care & I hope bereavement counselling helps. I’ve found this group very helpful as although it doesn’t change how you feel, it helps to share and know you’re not alone.

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Ah Jean

How beautifully describe it our feelings yes yes definitely I would not put my love through same experience.

I can not call it horrible as it is life but it is hortible for us as so soon and unexpected
.

Dear Juli69

You describe exactly my own experiences trying to explain to our kids. Our daughter lives quite a distance away but son lives local. Our son has had counselling and it has helped him enormously. He keeps on at me but I keep on trying to tell him there is no magic potion. I was with my husband 42 years - married 38. Son and his partner are both key workers so I child-mind our little grandson who is a beautiful, adorable distraction. But when I get home I am hit by the huge reminder that I am alone - the empty, silent house. At some point - when the lockdowns are over - they will need to return to normal family life.
Sheila X

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Hi Nuran

Yes it is so hard, I feel that my head is so full of thoughts, good and bad but my heart is so empty. I too struggle to look at photos of Cathy but then I feel guilt for not looking at them. Take care . Paul

Hi Jodel712
Thank you for your reply. I am pleased that your girls are there for you and your family too, As well as losing my beloved wife in September I lost my Dad last March who I was very close to but because I was caring for Cathy having treatment for cancer I made the difficult decision of not attending his funeral. The only other person I had left after losing Cathy in sept was her uncle who was a dad to her and me, but he sadly died in November so I now feel totally alone. Sorry to hear of your plans taken away, they sounded lovely. We too had great plans, we own a motor boat on the Norfolk broads and had just started cruising at sea down the coast, we planned on trips to France, Holland etc but my future has all gone, I don’t know what to do with the boat now. Yes it does help talking on here, thank you. Take care . Paul

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