I lost my husband of 57 years just ten months ago. It was a very short illness and his passing was very unexpected. For the first couple of months I was totally blindsided but dealing with all the ‘stuff’ funeral, finances, informing everyone etc kept me going and sane. All my friends and family tell me how brave I am, how well I’m doing how amazing I am but the truth is I’m none of those things. I’m dying inside and the outward me is a hard shell that if knocked would shatter. I heard someone who had been bereaved say that the were standing in the rubble of their life and that’s how I feel. I can’t tell my lovely children how I really feel as they are grieving the loss of their beloved Dad.
I miss everything about the life I had with my wonderful man and can’t imagine a time when I will be happy again. What is it they say, the absence of his presence is overwhelming.
Sorry for your loss. Everything you are feeling is normal. So many emotions
Guilt,anger, loss,feeling total lost. My hubby died two years ago now from sepsis and the thought of guilt sometimes overwhelms me you see i was the one that convinced him to go into hospital so i feel its my fault he got sepsis in that disgusting hospital KGH . They didnt care for him properly. Anyway enough about me . Your pain your feeling will never leave you ,but you will learn to except it and build a different life to the one you had planned. Try to talk to your family as they say its good to talk.
My husband died 3 weeks ago and I feel guilty that I didn’t see the signs of how sick he was, his cancer was masked by another condition, how could we and the medics not see how sick he was. I think this will trouble me for ever, i should have seen the signs.
Aw … i identify with your experience so much 
it was very unexpected for me too and i am 10 months into this journey too. We were married 35 years. I feel so fragile too. Like slightest thing that goes wrong will tip me over the edge … as you say standing in the rubble of your life… i like that …
I do tell my children im not coping very well without their dad im afraid. I feel i have to honest but i know its not what they want to hear … but it was our husband and its bound to affect us . I also like your other quote " the absence of his presence is overwhelming. Thats just how i have felt this weekend tbh … just cried as missed him just being here. I miss having a husband xxx
My husband also developed sepsis following a stroke and an infection. It seems we all feel guilty. Did I miss how poorly he was, should I have called the doctor earlier. It’s easy to keep going over the ‘what ifs’ the ‘why didn’t I’ but really we all probably did the very best we could at the time.
@Kathy6 I feel the same way. My husband also died suddenly after being diagnosed with stomach cancer. 5 weeks later he was dead. He had copd and a heart complaint that GP must have thought was the reason for his fatigue. I feel guilty that i didnt see any signs .
He was 68 and very active . Life is cruel 
All these stories so resonate with me. My husband had an upset stomach and was loosing weight which we both thought was due to being put on metformin for Type 2 diabetes! He collapsed, was admitted to hospital, diagnosed with cancer of the duodenum which had already spread and he was gone in less than 7 weeks! It just seems that stomach cancers don’t manifest themselves until it’s too late and they are particularly aggressive!
It’s coming up seven months for me now but I am still completely shocked by the whole thing and trying to adjust to this unwanted world I’m living in! J x
Yes all of those things and more could go on forever about how it is and wish it wasn’t but it is and feel sad for all of us too. All the what it’s we all have. Then I just get tied up with it and move round with no purpose.
Yep i get all this. I jusr go ti bed because it all gets too much sometines. Then yo7 watch the news and it makes you even more fed up ! Xx
Hi, I am new to this community. I really understand how you are feeling. My husband passed 09/01/2022 and my life has changed so much. I cry every day and apologize to him constantly wondering what I could have done differently. Thinking that I should have made him go to the doctor soon. I tried to get him to go but he wanted to wait to see his doctor. He had an appt scheduled and this Dr he trusted. My husband was a Dialysis patient for over 10 years and the day that I had to call for help ended up being one of the worst days of my life. They took him to the hospital and for several hours they would not let me in the back where he was. I felt that as usual when he went to the hospital, if he knew I was there he would be more relaxed and the treatment would be ok and we could go home. But, this time he didn’t come home. My heart hurts on a daily basis, I cry on a daily basis, and I blame myself on a daily basis. I do understand how you are feeling. What the outside world sees is a strong woman, what my puppies see at home is a woman that feels DEFEATED!
It’s easy to look back and say what if, I do it a lot and don’t know how to get over this. But my husband’s cancer was masked by other more obvious symptoms, and the cancer was able to take hold. I try to reason with the situation but it’s really difficult…. What if…. So sad I hope to forgive myself one day. Grief is awful
I have read all of the posts on this thread and of course the common denominator is that we are all suffering with “what ifs” and doubt as to did we do the right things at the right time.
During my more emotionally stable periods,and I don’t have many at the moment,I’m absolutely certain that our respective partners knew that we did everything that we could and showed them the depth of our love right to the last moment.
I understand the total despair that we all feel and I have very few if any answers to this but for any of us to believe that we could have done any more than we did undermines the strength of the love that we feel for those we’ve lost, we need in time to feel happy that we had the privilege of looking after them the way that we did.
Beautifully put, our levels of grief echo our love for our loved ones. They say “time is a great healer” I hope so 
I agree beautifully put. I know he was happy to be cared for at home suffounded by but then when Im not being rational, I am so angry that his life was stolen.
Thank you, that is a beautiful sentiment and we should all hang onto that thought.
@miker I could have written this myself, its taken me a long time to deal with the what ifs that come from watching your partner fade away before you. Hindsight is such a terrible thing in this situation, we do the best we can in any given moment and I know now that my wife knew that and was comforted by it even though there was very little I could do to aleviate the situation. Being with her was all I could offer and it was what she needed from me in those moments, to know that she was not alone as she went. After 11 months doubts still come and go, but I know I was there and I know that she was glad that I was
It was me that started this thread. It was the first time I had posted anything and I would just like to thank you all for responding. I found so many of your comments and experiences both helpful and also very moving.
I don’t know if you’ve heard of Julia Samuels of the Good Grief Trust but I’ve found some of her videos very helpful. You can find her on YouTube, she is English not American. You may find it helps.
There is a lot of experiences on here, things we all feel but others would not understand unless in the same situation.
People keep asking what am I doing today or how are you? Some days I don’t do much certainly nothing exciting, and that’s how my life used to be but I was happy with that as I didn’t need to be doing anything special when we were two people living together. Just happy in our own world and not having to explain to other people.
Simple as that, my life, would love it back x
How did people get through the funeral, unbearable thought ?