Older People

I think one of the main issues when you lose your partner when you are older is that most people have retired. Therefore you are do not meet people on a daily basis and you don’t have somewhere to get away from your thoughts and memories. I find the days are long and weekends are worse. Losing a partner is devastating at any age. Its 5 months since i lost my husband and i feel worse now than i did initially. I guess this is trying to accept this is how it will be from now on. Finding it difficult at the moment

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Hi @Anne18
I feel pretty much the same as you.
It’s 19 weeks for me and lately I feel that I’m going backwards.
I am coping but only just.
I think I thought it would get easier as time passed, but it doesn’t does it?

Big hugs x x

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I think we’ve all fallen into that trap. I think the loss gets harder because the longer they are gone the more we miss them and it’s the realisation of them not being there. Making choices and decisions alone, especially when things go wrong, it’s hard.

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Do you think it ever gets easier?
Or do we just pretend?
X x

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For me it’s definitely easier. I miss him and some moments are still bad but nothing like it was. I know he’s not coming home, i know he’s gone, i know he wouldn’t want me to be miserable. He would want me to live life and get everything out of it that i could. That was how he was, how he lived, he’s was the most positive person i know.

Different things hit at different times. I have good spells and moments of deep sadness but it doesn’t last long at all now. The good spells outright the sadness. But this is replaced with guilt for feeling ok, questioning myself, how can i be ok, but i know with all my heart what our relationship and us was all about.

Eventually I’ve got to a stage where i know what we had and miss it, wish i could have it back but i can’t. I can either sit on a black hole for the rest of my life or do what my partner would want and get on with my life, doing what makes me happy, moreso because he can’t, he didn’t get that choice but i do and he wants me to live. I am where i am now because of him and i appreciate that because i know that he always wanted me to be happy and he wanted to look after me and he always went out of his way to do that, for me. Why would that stop because he died.

So i honour that. I don’t want to be miserable. Sometimes i can’t help it but i also already know i come out of it and keep moving forward.

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Thankyou @Ali29

What you have written makes so much sense.
When Roger got the terminal diagnosis he said I’d got to live my life.
I am trying. But I miss him so much and that’s what I can’t get past. I know I will but I don’t know how.
I told him, many times, that I would be ok. And I’m not and that makes me feel like I’m letting him down.
X x

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Hello yes i find the same things Although further on nearly 18 months
I am better in the morning but run out of energy by 6 pm!
This site has been very supportive to me
Realising this is what bereavement is like same for other people too
We are alone - but not lonely?
At 83 i can’t do what I could previously but life is still very sweet
So many happy memories
Thanks to everyone for sharing

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I want to get where you are. It’s only been 6 weeks for me, though I was widowed once before and I know it’s possible to find a new life. But I just feel tired of rolling with the punches now, I was a lot younger the first time. Now I feel wiped out and don’t have the confidence to do it all again. I am not looking for or expecting a new relationship, just for the pain and loneliness to relent enough to enjoy life without him. I used to be quite efficient and confident but now I am all over the place, getting shaky and breathless.
Thank you for your post, it gives me hope. Xx

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Yeah the grief process is different for each person. In your case, second time of grief is going to be different?
A friend said to me early on that she “ lived with the pain” i found that helpful
I filled notebooks after notebooks with “Stresm of consciousness thoughts” it was peppered with practical things like “ must eat nourishing food not just bread and salad” but mostly i will never read it through
I suppose it was like talking nonsense to my missing man
Then i decided “ grief is not my identity” i was suffering PTS didn’t know how but i knew it will change
We had been moved from a big house in Glasgow to a flat with a shower in Edinburgh my husband died 5 days later I thank God for that as i don’t see him around every corner. But i am still needing to find my way through new everything every day
Every day still has potential and promise
Think human beings are amazingly able to recover. Made with an inner strength and we can emerge again
There’s an amazing poem my John O’ Donoghue about grief

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@Ali29 thanks for sharing your journey and where you are at now.
It helps give me hope that I can in time get to a place where you are.
My husband told me to live my best life and I also feel it would be a disservice to him if I didn’t. But I’m just not quite there yet at almost 4 months. I pray I will get there eventually.

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You don’t have to know how. You just need to focus on getting through today. When the pain, anger, hurt, guilt, what ever it is, when it comes, embrace it, feel it, do what needs to be done to get through. You have to feel this grief to heal, it will never go away but acknowledging it, will help you live with it because it never leaves you. You’ll be forever scarred but you will heal.

Because of what happened to my partner, i know i only have now, none of the rest is guaranteed. I do make plans but don’t stress about whether they will come to fruition but i do have now and this is all i aim to get through. You’ll be surprised how quick time passes and how you’ll heal, even after some pretty shit dark days.

Living with this gets easier if you want it to. There’s no harm asking or getting help either.

Ali

I get that, felt that, still feel that sometimes. Hey your still young, you’ve just been hit with a huge life changing event.
I felt shattered for the whole first year, slept my life away and the simplest thing exhausted me, confidence went out the window and still not fully returned but I’m still fighting that one and i won’t let it win. I just set myself small goals. Yes i get sick of it sometimes, life with my man was a lot easier! I’m just not ready to give up yet x

been 2 yrs 2 months since i lost dave and it doesnt bother me anymore, i accepted the fact he was gone within a couple of months, there is nothing i could do, i still miss him andwish he was here but life goes on, cant be miserable for months or yrs, got to get on with it.

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It’s just two weeks for me - I lost my husband three days before our 55th wedding anniversary. I am dreading the period after the funeral when we all have to go back to our real lives and two of my girls fly back to the States. These deep sobs come from nowhere and rack my body. I know my husband would want me to get the most out of the rest of my life but without him it seems too difficult to even think about it. Just five minutes more that’s all I want.

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6 weeks for me. Glad you found us, everyone here is kind and supportive, and we’re all in the same boat. One day, hour at a time, that seems to be the only way. The ups and downs are normal. Sometimes I think I am getting used to it, then I fall down a rabbit hole.
Hugs and strength xx

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So very sorry.

It will feel unreal.

This is a very supportive place,
we understand.

There will be people here to read your posts and totally understand.

I agree with @Willow112 take it a day at a time or an hour at a time.

I think most of us have done this and muddled through somehow.

Sending you a big hug.

Love,

Rose xx

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I agree with @RoseGarden and @Willow112

This place is a special place where everyone understands.
You wont get any platitudes or empty promises here.
Just listening ears and lots of support.
Take it day by day, hour by hour if you need to and gradually, one day you will realise you are starting to cope.

Sending you big hugs and caring thoughts x x

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Bernipops just echoing what everyone else has said. It’s very early days and everything is raw. Just take things hour by hour. Please keep posting. It’s the only place everyone genuinely understands and no one judges. It’s been a lifeline for me. So sorry for your loss. Sending love and strength xx

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It has been 5 months since my husband died from terminal cancer so i understand how you are feeling . I try and take one day at a time ,this might work for you.

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Are we allowed to swear on here?
If so. Fuck cancer. It is just the worst.
Apologies mods.

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