One year on and feeling worse

Feeling so down a year on. I have posted replys on here before. I had hoped I would be feeling a bit better after a year but I feel worse. All my children are out this bank holiday enjoying themselves and I am glad they are getting on with their lives but I feel so alone without peter we would have been going to the garden centre and having a coffee and cake. And sitting out in the garden. Neighbours are outside having barbecues and laughing and having a good time. All I want to do is hide away indoors not seeing anyone. I sound like a right grump but never used to be. When will this nightmare end.

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Hi Jen123
If you are a right grummp, then so am I. I don’t want to do anything without my husband Tony who died 11 months go. It is his birthday on Tuesday and I am dreading it. The family and I are going to the grave with flowers, and then we are all having a birthday tea at our daughter’s for him. Lovely idea from them but I’m afraid, like you, I would rather just stay at home and remember him and the things we did together. I shall put on a smile and a brave face. They try so hard to make me feel better, or at least, not alone, bless them.
Life is a nightmare at the moment, you are right there, and I can’t see an end to it either, so I am no help to you, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Hugs, Ann

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I feel exactly the same way. I shut my back door yesterday so I couldn’t hear the neighbours enjoying their barbecues. I don’t see how I can ever be happy knowing what I’m missing - his wonderful company. Sending hugs

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Hi Jen 153,
You are not a grump at all. Just very very sad and why wouldn’t you be?
You describe exactly how I feel. It’s18 months since my husband died suddenly. Went out for the evening and never came home.
Watching and hearing neighbours living their dream when all ours were snatched away in an instant I find unbearable. I simply long for the life we had.
@AnnR and @Jules4 I agree with you in just wanting to stay in my own home and function at my own pace. If I’m working in my front garden I dread couples walking by and asking how I am . I can’t possibly tell them. It didn’t help that not long ago on a walk I met a neighbour who remarked I seem a lot angrier/grumpier than I used to be. She hasn’t a clue and it’s futile trying to explain. She knew my husband and the circumstances of his very sudden death. What more does she need as explanation?
Grief brings so much guilt for many reasons but I don’t think any of us should reproach ourselves for what might be perceived as not making an effort to be more cheerful. We have all suffered unbearable loss and being able to say it as it is does help. Thinking of you all.xxx

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I feel exactly the same as you all describe. We shouldn’t have to explain or justify ourselves to anyone, but then the guilt kicks in and we try and smile our way through for the sake of others.

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Dear Jen

I have not yet reached the one year mark but cannot see my position changing from how I feel today. Can assure you that you are not being a grump whatsoever. We are living a life that we did not want or deserve.

If I am not with our kids/grandkids then I prefer to just sit at home and try to survive the day ahead. Our kids think it is their job to keep me distracted or pre-occupied but sometimes I just need my space. Putting on a brave face is exhausting and whilst I do it for our kids and grandsons I am now intolerant to those who think I should be ‘feeling better’ or say the most insensitive things. Today bumped into someone both me and husband had worked with for the first time and they commented on my husband’s love of his motorbike - he was killed whilst out riding on it so not what I wanted to hear.

Like yourself me and husband would be going out for trips and enjoying a cafe-stop along the way. I have tried to revisit some of the places we went but it just emphasises what I have lost.

Take care.
Sheila

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Yes, people are insensitive, but I wonder if it is partly not knowing what to say. A friend of mine who lost her son to suicide happened to meet an old workmate and asked how her daughter was getting on with her new job. The workmate said, “She HATES it. She told me the other day that if she hadn’t been so happy at home, she would have topped herself”. My friend just fled, and cried for hours. It took ages to convince her that her daughter hadn’t been unhappy at home, and that hadn’t caused the suicide. Some people have uncontrollable mouths!

Dear AnnR

“uncontrollable mouths” such a good description.

Your friend’s experience is just awful. I don’t think people think before they say things. I had the wife of one of my husband’s friends call me to ask if my husband ever talked about ‘other women’. I won’t go into the story behind her question but needless to say I told her my husband never talked about ‘other woman’. For days/weeks after though I wondered if she was implying that my husband had been unfaithful. I already struggle with the thoughts that he put the bike before me and that I must not have been worth sticking around for.

@Sheila26
@AnnR

Sometimes I think we worry too much about others not knowing what to say. I find myself making excuses for their insensitivity.
I met an old neighbour who I hadn’t seen for several years and she said “I’m so glad to have seen you, I’m so sorry for you , but you’ll be fine”.
I was horrified , but stood there , trapped, not knowing what to do or say. They have no idea how vulnerable we are , but is that an excuse for thoughtlessness?
I’m trying now to stop caring what other people think , the only thing I want to do is think about my man.

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@Sheila26
How terrible for you, people can be very cruel.

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Dear Roo1
Good for you! Your man is the one who deserves your caring. The other insensitive ones can just keep clear. The6 are not worth worrying about.
So sorry you are the same boat as the rest of us. We must all stick together.
Hugs, Ann

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Dear Sheila,
I can understand your worry but I am sure it is misplaced. My husband loved shooting (targets, never animals) and regularly went to his gun club and to shoots. I never felt he didn’t love me, but knew he loved his hobby, but I don’t think anyone can love a hobby more than a person. I think it would have been sad for neither your husband nor mine not to have had hobbies they loved, and I feel glad for them. Perhaps in time, you might be able to feel glad for him too.
Hugs,
Ann

Dear AnnR

Thank you. I am sure that your are right about the misplaced worries. I think that grief makes your mind/thoughts go into overdrive.

Unfortunately my husband took up the motorbike mid-life. I always had strong views and fears about motorbikes and unfortunately his accident confirmed this. He had hobbies before the bike which we shared as well as ones he did himself but none that placed him in danger. I pleaded with him to give up the bike on numerous occasions but he just would not and I just cannot help feeling that if he had I would not be going through this unbearable pain.

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Dear Sheila26
Someone once told me, rather crudely, that when your time is up, your time is up, and nothing you can do will change that. Maybe that’s true.
I hope that one day you can manage to come to terms with the way he died. He was happy with his hobby, but it is unbearably sad that it had such a dreadful outcome both for him and for you.
Take care, Ann

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Dear AnnR

Thank you. Take care.

Sheila

Dear Sheila 26. So sorry for your loss. It is so hard to come to terms with sudden loss as in both our cases although in my case peter died from covid . As you say putting on a brave face is hard I am finding having to do so for my kids/ grandkids hard work . Last year after peter died they took it in turns to take me out and keep me distracted but now they seem to think I should be getting on with my life but I don’t have a life anymore without him all I want to do is walk my dogs and come back and stay indoors. I haven’t been able to go to the places peter and I went to its too painful. Take care . Jenny

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Dear Jenny

It really is awful isn’t it. Our daughter lives over 4 hours away and so I have only seen her on a handful of occasions due to work commitments and the lockdowns. Our son lives close by and I child-mind. I have had our wedding anniversary and my husband’s birthday since he died and on one occasion decided to visit one of our favourite spots. I had to pull in on the way home as I was so distraught. Our son is placing all his faith in counselling being the magic potion to get me over my loss but whilst I hoe it will help with some of the anger issues it will never be able to heal the pain that I feel every day since I lost my husband.

Covid has made life unbearable for so many and I am truly sorry that you find yourself on this same painful journey.

Take care.
Sheila

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Dear Sheila 26. 3 of my children live close to me but I don’t see that much of them they all have jobs and kids to see too. I sometimes babysit but that seems to be tailing off lately. I haven’t had counselling and sometimes think I should have done I thought I could get through it on my own as I have always been a strong person but I’m not anymore. Its the anger and the shock i can’t get my head around 2 days before peter died he went for a walk with me and was fine even though he had parkinsons he was OK. Take care. X

Dear Jen153

Yes I thought I could get through this without any help but the anger is overwhelming at times to the point that I just have a total meltdown followed by guilt at shouting at my husband when he is missing everything. I do not recognise myself in the mirror. I too considered myself a strong person and I think that others who saw that in me think I no longer need support but the reality is I was strong because of my husband and without him I am now just a shell.

Like yourself I had known my husband for 42 years and married 38. This is not something I can ever get over - I have known little else other than ‘us’.

Take care Sheila. x

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I feel the same as both of you have explained. Everyone says I am one of the strongest people that they know but I got my strength from my wonderful husband. Without him, I don’t have the strength nor do I have the motivation to be strong. Strong for what? So that other people feel better that I am coping? I am lay here watching TV that I don’t want to trying to sleep because time passes more quickly then. I just want him back, that’s the only thing that would help and the one thing that can’t happen. I am having counselling but it can’t fix that. I don’t know how to have the strength to keep doing this.

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