My husband passed away in November 2022 so I’ve had all the ‘firsts’ including the first anniversary of his death. I thought I was doing well, seeing family and friends, volunteering at one of the dementia groups that I took my husband to, but things have changed recently. I’m crying so much, have no appetite or interest in food or in anything else very much.
I must admit I never saw this coming and do know that it will pass but I just feel so bereft.
He had Vascular Dementia and Parkinson’s and I looked after him for 4 and a half years while losing him bit by bit to this awful disease. I know that grief is different for everyone but has anyone else been affected in a similar way ?
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@JanT I must admit as it approaches the 1st anniversary of my Dad’s death, that all those early emotions have returned 3fold. People on this forum have mentioned the second year can be worse than the first & I can see that coming to fruition. I think it’s because the first year is all about processing this change, whereas the second is adapting & accepting this is permanent. It’s natural to fill you with dread & panic. Be kind to yourself. I know it’s a cliche but you looked after your husband & you still have to take care of yourself.
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Thank you for your kind words and yes, they make sense. We were married for 51 years and I just miss him so very much - I didn’t think I had so many tears left to cry, just a really bad day today.
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Hi @JanT
Like yourself i found this week exceptional worse. It has been 7 months since my husband of 35 years passed and i have done the 1st anniversary birthday christmas and new year and this year 8th June 1st year of passing. It was hard an there were tears but i got through it.
I dont really have family here and i have a couple of friends who call weekly.
I joined a book club exercise class and jolly dollies group. I used to to volunteer for Macmillan but not gone back hopefully maybe in Spring.
I miss company and it is too quiet at home so i go out even for a bus journey or walk.
I seem to be worse than i was on the first few months. Guess this is our new life now and dont think I’ll ever get used to it 
Take care stay strong
Lynne X 
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Big warm arms wrapping around you and crying with you. Losing those we love is so crushing. I’m thankful i can feel so much love for my lost son.
Our grief must mean we loved them so very much. How lucky were we to have that. They watch over us and are not in pain.
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Hi
I just read your message
My wife died last November a week before her birthday and then Xmas and new year without her was horrendous
It saddens me to read after a year your suffering
I too cared for my wife Jan with MND for 2and a half years and would do anything to have her back for a hour and minute even.
It’s all so upsetting and I know it’s early for me but you are in my thoughts.
Take care
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I must have been operating on autopilot this last year but I’m also fed up of people saying, ‘you’re a strong person , you’ll get through this ‘ . I suppose you do show a different face to the wider world but it certainly doesn’t mean that we’re not suffering inside.
He was my soulmate and I thought if I looked after him I could keep him going. I’m just missing him so much it hurts.
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Terry01 thank you and I’m so sorry to hear of your loss too. You think if you look after your loved one you can somehow keep them going, even though these dreadful diseases diminish the person they really were.
I’m thinking of you, take care.
Jan
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When people say that to me…“i admire you for your strength” i say i look strong on the outside, but not the same on the inside"
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Hi @JanT
My mom passed away 3 years this April, I know what you mean about loosing the person bit by bit before they pass, my mom always used to be so active, & she loved crosswords & word puzzles & things, from the moment she collapsed & they found the brain tumors, it was painful watching her determination over many months. The tumours affected her mind, she struggled to speak, remember things, & sometimes couldn’t find the right words, she would get very frustrated when she couldn’t find the right words to say what she was trying to say, when she became bedridden, she would scream & hit her head, & this was all during COVID so we had to care for her at home. Loosing the person she was, 
it was heartbreaking to see. I guess what I’m trying to say is, your not alone, I stayed on autopilot for the first year, it was the second year that really hit me hard, for me it felt like coming out of my autopilot phase, & the reality all just hit me at once, she’s gone, but a part of our loved ones will always be with us, we carry them in our hearts every day. sending hugs of support.
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Your so right
I was in denial regarding her dying
I too felt because we were so special and loved each other so much she would live on
And the help and support I gave would contribute to Aa much longer life
Maybe it did for a while
So very saddened by it
A big hole has been left
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Hi , my mum passed in November last year , with alltzimers , her birthday , my birthday , her service all before Christmas , it was so hard but you get through it some how , new year has made it hard also , first new year without her , one one small step forward each day best we can hope for , best wishes to all
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When I’m in my right mind and not so sad. I say stay present, hug the ones you love and the ones that are alive and the ones that you can spend time with because you never know when it’s your time. Age is not a factor. so the past. You can’t bring back and the future. You don’t know if you get. But this very moment this very instant that you’re sitting in. Look around and see the beauty of it that Always helps me.
I’m sorry I dictate so my punctuation is never that great, and I guess I’m just too lazy to go back and correct it all. but I will say that this forum has helped me because when I’m forced to say how I get through things. It helps me get back into the present moment. This moment here now it’s all we really can count on.
JanT
I to thought that looking after my soulmate I could keep her going for ever,but it takes its toll on you. I suppose the suffering inside will go on forever,but I can’t loose the memories. Reach out any time Les49
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Les49, thank you. I’ve only just found this forum today but I’ve received some lovely messages.
Yeh @JanT my husband passed on 16th drcember 2022 and over the Xmas new year period it really came back to bite me ! I was same couldn’t stop crying … its the sadness isnt it it just comes over you. Ive been busier recently and that has surely helped me talking to some lovely friends ive made … its so easy to sit and dwell on it i know … take wonderful care of yourself and try setting new goals as this may help x.
Hi @ Deb5
Sorry for your loss.
Yes it was hard over Christmas and New Year and our 1st anniversary and birthday without him. I cryed quite a lot but have joined a book club exercise class and maybe choir soon. Hoping to meet new people as no family here and friends phone but dont live close by.
I have never ever dreamed of my husband but on the 1st Jan 2024 after the bells i did he was saying not to worry. So took as a sign he is still looking out for me.
Now Jan 17th still no more dreams of him.
Take care
Lynne x
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@JanT Hi there and welcome to the site, so sorry that you find yourself here but it really is a good place to get things out, we all relate to what you have been through, what you are going through. As with you my wife passed away in November 22. I’ve been up and down over that time but found some stability, understanding and acceptance in the later half of the year. This stability comes and goes as the grief returns but I’ve found I can rely on my conviction that things will pass, I’ll come back to myself, look to the horizon again. It takes effort but I use the tools I’ve built or found along the way, move through them until I find one, or two, or three that work.
The period since the first anniversary through the festive season has been a bit of a step backwards, I really felt her absence in the week after New Year and struggled to find ground again at times. For me I think it’s been the result of the complexity of that period: the anniversary, then Xmas, then new year, the inevitable cultural decline into January, a confluence of points where grief eventually got the better of me. I wasn’t really expecting it to be honest as I had already been through the festive season the year before, but I realise now I had been in shock at that point, try as I might there’s not really much I can recall of those days. The last two months really took a lot more out of me than it had for a long time, but I suppose, in a way I’m now the better for it. I gave myself a bit of space, let my grief in, sat it down and had wee chat, for me my grief just wants to come out sometimes, I suppose it gets a bit lonely now that I’ve all but finished with it, sometimes it just needs to be recognised then it goes on it’s way. I know it will always be back and maybe I just have to keep a seat at the table for it, try to make it feel welcome, guests always leave in the end.
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Hi @Walan
I have read your post and it is exactly how i felt over the months managed 1st anniversary birthday christmas and new year.
This week however seems like i’m travelling backwards and the grief returns.
Trying to keep busy and joining some classes hopefully will keep my mind busy.
Take care
Lynne
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