My beloved son Haydn (31) ended his own life on the 5th of October 2022 and since that Wednesday the pain and extreme sadness of losing him has been gnawing away at me, everything I feel and experience in this world is a reminder that he is not here and that he is missing so, so much. I am racked with guilt for not saving him, not being there in the very moment he needed me.
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Hello @Julie91 ,
I can see that you’re new to the community. I hope you find it to be a support to you, but I am so sorry for the loss of your son that brings you here.
You say you are feeling like the saddness of loosing him is gnawing away at you and you are feeling so much pain. I wanted to share some sources of support that might help you right now.
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Child Bereavement UK support families with the loss of a child. They also support bereaved children. You can call their helpline on 0800 02 888 40.
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The Compassionate Friends support families who have lost a child of any age. You can call them on 0345 123 2304
Sue Ryder also has some resources which can help you cope with grief.
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Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
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Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
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Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
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Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
You must never ever feel guilty.
I lost my son 9 months ago and tried tirelessly to save his life until the emergency services arrived (45 minutes) and I felt so angry and guilty for not being able to save him.
Blame and guilt will never bring them back and we have to live on without them.
That’s what they would want.
We can’t suffer anymore than we have already.
Stay strong xxx
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Hi, thank you very much for taking the time to send me a message, I really do appreciate your kind and generous words. It’s so hard to find the words to convey just sorry I am to hear about your son, losing a loved one is devastating and rocks your very soul and your whole world.
Of course, You are quite right blame and guilt won’t bring anyone back, all the what if’s and maybes don’t help with living without them and my partner says the same to me but the truth is I’m struggling, struggling with life without Haydn.
Kind regards x
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I also my beloved son, August 2022, in the same way. I just want to be with him. Its destroying me. Take care x
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I lost my son almost a year ago and I still can’t believe that he isn’t here anymore. I don’t know how to live a life without him. He was my world.
My broken heart goes out to you all
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You’re very welcome and I totally understand what you’re going through.
It’s the worst pain in the world,emotionally and physically, I ache all over every day.
But I try so hard to take comfort in the fact that my son is no longer struggling and is at peace.
I try to tell myself that I don’t have to worry about him anymore but of course I’d have him back in a heartbeat because where there’s life there’s hope.
But it wasn’t meant to be and his pain was just getting worse and unbearable for me to watch and deal with.
You are not alone,even though I am suffering so much I can share your despair.
Xxx
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I struggle to,every day without fail.
But we don’t have any choice but to try to move forward for the rest of our loved ones.
Those that are left behind need our love and support.
I have to stay strong for my beautiful daughter who is really struggling with the loss of her brother.
It’s heartbreaking but as parents we have to reach deep for our loved ones,that’s what we do.
Take care xxx
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So sorry to hear this Julie. I lost my husband in the same circumstances in November 2022. I am filled with guilt and anger - eats away at me. I feel I let him down and have let my children down. Especially bad at weekends and evenings - I find I am best when distracted with an activity. People say walking is great but it’s too passive for me. I end up in floods of tears on walks.
Sending hugs to you and everyone on this thread.
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Hi there, thank you for your message, it is so hard to know what to say as it’s so devastating but I feel your heartache as it matches mine, x
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Thank you for generous, true and kinds words, they are appreciated even if they do make me cry but to be honest everything does. Xx
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Hi, thank you for taking the time to send me a message and for sharing your grief too, I don’t feel so alone now after reading the messages on this feed and on others. Your family are lucky to have such a caring person looking out for them. What hobby have you chosen ? I thought drawing/doodling might help me but I’m not so good and finding it hard to concentrate.
Thank you and have the best day you can. Xx
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Thanks so much Julie. That’s so kind of you to say that - I feel a bit of a failure so your message has made me think that maybe I’m doing something right.
I took up crochet over the winter and really enjoyed it. Made lots of cute little things and found it was something I really had to concentrate on. I know what you mean about drawing. I wonder if a craft might be worth trying? I used YouTube videos and taught myself.
I am at a friend’s for lunch today. Don’t really want to go but I will go and probably quite enjoy it, but I am best when I am in my own house these days.
Take care.
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Hi Chrissie,
It sounds to me from your messages that you are trying and by trying you are doing something right, life is challenging, you are not failing , so hold onto the thought that you are doing something right.
Your message yesterday about how you have taken up crocheting has inspired me to look at something crafty, so I ordered a epoxy resin art kit ! I’ll let you know how I get on !
I hope you had a pleasant lunch with your friend yesterday and well done for going, I completely get what you’re saying about not wanting to go, I too, like to be home. Take care.
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Hi Julie. Thanks so much for your lovely message - it really gave me a lift!
Well done to you for buying the art kit! I think that sounds like a really good idea - something new which will require a certain amount of concentration but where you’re given the materials and ideas, maybe?
I did enjoy my lunch but I still find these things difficult. Everyone else is the same but you are completely changed, and people don’t see it.
I am going to counselling. My counsellor today suggested starting to write letters to my husband, over a few weeks, and then burning them as a way of trying to deal with the guilt/ Anger etc. Will let you know how that goes…
Hope today has been an okay day.
Hi Chrissie,
I have had a couple of not so good days, so I’m glad receiving my messages give you a lift because that in turn gives me a lift too.
You are quite right it is hard meeting up with people and is something I very rarely do mainly because I want to avoid questions about Haydn and I now experience intense moments of anxiety , so I avoid seeing friends, I think it is as you say ,everyone else seems the same while I am not.
That seems like a good idea that your counsellor suggested, a way to get all those feelings out, ones that maybe are buried deep and then burning them and then watching the ashes float away on the breeze.
Hopefully, the art kit will be helpful, it is something new and something I have wanted to try. You tube is so good for learning new skills as you have found.
Have the best day you can and keep up the crocheting !
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Hi Julie. I hope today was better for you. I had a nice day visiting a friend but then cried most of the way home - going back to an empty house is so hard to do. I am very grateful for my cat when my girls are away or working late.
I completely understand how you feel about meeting up with people. I have the same anxieties. I have cut my social circle right down to people I can really trust, but sometimes I struggle even to meet up with them. I have one person who gets it - who phoned me to see how I’m doing. I hope you have someone who cares.
Another wee thing which I have found good is a new group/class to go to where nobody knows you and you can be yourself rather than that person who’s son/husband has died. Mine is just at the local leisure centre but so far I am enjoying it. Once a week for a couple of hours - and no socialising at it so you don’t get involved with chats. I know this might not be something you feel you could do but maybe in time?
My counsellor thinks my physical wellbeing is progressing (ie doing things) but my mental struggles are the big issue. I have lots of things in my head which I need to get out.
Good luck with your art kit- and it’s back to my latest crochet project (a tea cosy!)
Hi Chrissie, sorry for a delay in replying, I do find your messages bring me comfort and hope but sometimes I just don’t know what to say to people and by people I mean anyone, partner, family and friends, it’s like there is a huge chunk of me gone and I don’t know how to be me. I do, like you have someone who cares, my partner David and he is so patient with me.
Funnily enough, I to have thought about going swimming at the local leisure centre, as it’s quite solitary but requires concentration to stay afloat ! What activity are you doing ?.
The art kit hasn’t turned up yet, so I continue with the doodling, good luck with your latest project, a tea cosy sounds a very worthy project, a friend of mine her daughter like you learnt from the internet to crochet during lock down, she has gone on to sell her creations on Etsy !
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Hi Julie. Thanks for your message - so pleased that you have a partner there to support you. Just having someone to talk to can make a huge difference. I don’t really have people that I share my ‘stuff’ with, apart from the counsellor, but I know that some folk are there if I really needed them.
The activity I have taken up is Pickleball. It’s a sort of cross between badminton and tennis, but suitable for all ages and abilities- I am not very fit and the wrong side of 50 
. It’s fun and not serious. You get a laugh and the bonus is that nobody there knows me or anything about me - which suits me fine just now.
I think swimming’s a great idea! I am building up to that and hope to give it a go over the summer, when I can find a time when the pool is quiet.
Just had a stressful time with a tradesman. It left me tearful and upset but feeling okay now. My ability to deal with these things isn’t great but I have to do it. Nobody can do it for me.
Hope your day is going okay. That’s annoying about your art set but doodling sounds a good way to express yourself. I used to paint watercolours but just can’t seem to do anything like that just now. Maybe I’ll get back to it in time.
Take care.
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I’m having trouble finding the right words to describe my feelings about the loss of my son and I know you’re feeling the very same feelings.
It’s the hardest thing to fuddle through and there’s no reason or rime to find an answer.
But sharing our experiences is some way to recover I hope.
Jayne x