Hi Chrissie,
Thank you for taking the time to message me, it’s nice to hear from you and I hope you are ok today. It’s good to hear you have folk to talk to if you needed them and maybe in time you will feel that is right.
David does make a huge difference, I think though he knew Haydn, the fact that he is not related to him helps but his responses to me and how he helps is often practical and not emotional and that helps me to try and find some perspective particularly when I feel overwhelmed by guilt.
Sorry to hear you had a stressful time with a tradesman, it can be difficult to work through difficulties but you did it, yes you shed some tears but you got through it and that’s what counts, so well done you.
The last few days have been a bit slow as my dog ran into my leg whilst we were out walking , so I’m trying to do a bit of doodling as walking is painful and I have to rest it etc. my moods a bit up and down but I’m trying to do better, I put a photo of Haydn with his daughter in the lounge, sometimes I can’t look at him without feeling such pain and sadness but I also cannot bear to not to have the photo there.
I must admit I have never heard of pickle ball, it certainly sounds like a great distraction, though I’m not sure that’s the right word but it sounds fun and perhaps what you need right now rather than painting.
Take care.
Hi Jayne,
Thank you for taking the time to message me, your message is very thoughtful.
I know it’s so very hard to find the right words and I’m beginning to think that maybe there aren’t any right or wrong words to describe these immense feelings. I’m so sorry that you have lost your son too,
I really like that you ended your message with hope, sometimes it’s easy to forget about that, when our minds are busy with looking for the whys and ifs. I share your hope, it makes me feel stronger.
Thank you x
Hi Julie,
I’ve had a really bad day today and I don’t know why it’s been harder than any other.
I felt like reaching out to someone who knows just how that feels,it’s pain that consumes you totally.
I try to do some gardening when I feel bad but even that didn’t inspire me today.
I feel it’s ok to feel bad and take time out.
Rest is so important.
Hope you’re ok and trying to stay strong.
Kind regards
Jayne x
Sadly Jayne, I do know so very well, how it feels to be consumed by the pain of losing someone so dear, but thank you for reaching out to me and though I cry as I reply, I know the support we and the whole Sue Ryder community can offer one another is invaluable.
I hope that today you are feeling better, I often find that after a bad day or time where I have felt truly over whelmed with emotions and feelings of guilt and sadness, that there comes a period of almost calm, where I am able to find some balance. These times of calm are very often short lived but they are welcome and I feel they are periods of healing. I know that might sound a bit odd but I find it hard to find the words.
Grief and the pain that it brings can be exhausting, so rest is good, do you have any hobbies or activities that do beside gardening ?
Kind regards,
Julie x
Hi Julie. Yes thanks, have had a couple of good days in a row, which is unusual. I am so glad you have someone to support you during the toughest of days. I think it’s the fact that you really don’t know how your going to feel at the start of a day and it can go downhill very quickly.
My daughter has gone on holiday for a week and I am finding that stressful. My anxiety kicking in - worrying about things which I shouldn’t be worrying about. My husband was a great organiser and I now need to do all the things which he would have done/said.
Yes, more Pickleball this week, which is fun. But also quite tiring. I don’t know about you but my energy levels are often low and I find myself falling asleep at strange times.
It was nice to have some sun yesterday. It definitely lifted my mood as the weather here has been grim for weeks.
I am still struggling with my emotions most days - but at least it’s a spell of crying or whatever rather than lasting for the whole day.
Hi Julie,
You’re absolutely right,today I got up early and went for my hair appointment.
Feeling a little better as a result.
I do enjoy walking and in fact I’m pushing myself to go out with a lady from Compassionate Friends who lost her son 18 years ago now and taking to her helps a lot.
Have you considered getting in touch with them,they’re a great organisation and very supportive?
Thank you for your kind words of support.
Jayne x
Hi Chrissie,
So good to hear you have had a good couple of days, I find those days a very welcome relief and maybe they are what keeps me sane (ish). So very true about the start of the day, often I won’t even notice how I feel until just one little thing tips me over the edge and David will say that I hadn’t been right all morning and I should have said but sometimes I just wake up feeling nothing.
Try not to let your anxiety take over, changes in routine like your daughter going on holiday may make you feel anxious but her going is normal life and you will find a way to cope and when she returns, you will know that you have coped, you have survived and it will have made you stronger.
You said your husband was a great organiser and you will be too but give yourself time, it sounds like you had a great teacher, you could always ask yourself, what would he do or say in certain situations and gradually his voice will become a whisper as your voice grows in confidence.
Even without pickle ball I don’t have a lot of energy, I guess the body just wants more rest and when things are stressful the rest is welcome and helps to calm my mind.
Sunny days and blue skies certainly do lift the mood, today the wind has dropped and feels pleasant , I took my dog for a walk down to the beach earlier, well more of a hobble since he ran into my left last week and it was lovely down there. The only trouble is, when I feel I’m enjoying being somewhere it just makes me think about what Haydn is missing and then I get upset for a while.
Thank you for kind thoughts and yes I’m okay this week and hope you are too.
Best wishes and sending you some more x
Hi Jayne,
I am so pleased to hear you are feeling a little better and getting out, walking and talking sounds like good active support and getting your hair done too, well done it’s something I dread more than the dentist, I’m always disappointed with result, I think my expectations maybe to high !
I haven’t heard of compassionate friends, I did Google them and it looks like there is support not too far away, so I’ll let you know.
Thank you for your support too.
Julie x
Hi Julie
Thanks so much for your message - so supportive. You really made me feel that I can do things which I worry that I can’t.
Apologies for the delay in replying. Unfortunately I fell over when playing Pickleball and injured myself, but feeling much better today, just a bit bruised. So much for getting fit! Maybe I should stick to safer activities like walking! However hopefully it was a one-off and I’ll get back to it soon.
So pleased you enjoyed your dog walk on the beach. How is your leg now? Dogs are a great comfort, I find. My wee dog died but I have a friend with a dog and I love being around him. I have a cat and find it comforting to have an animal in the house.
Hope your weekend has been okay. Just spoke to my daughter on the phone and she’s enjoying her holiday so that’s one less thing to worry about.
Hi Chrissie,
Thank you for your message, it’s always nice to hear from you and how you are getting on. It is good to feel that I can be support for you and feel that I can help you in some way.
No need for apologies and I’m sorry to hear that you have injured yourself and well done for not letting it put you off Pickle ball, it’s very easy I find to have an excuse not to do something . So wishing you a speedy recovery and return to pickle ball.
Yes my leg is a bit better thank you , walking has its downfalls too ! My dog is a great source of comfort as I expect your cat is, pets are very good at changing your focus, their quiet unassuming presence and warmth does bring such solace at times when maybe you are feeling sad, lonely or just need a hug, I’m a bit of an animal lover and sounds like you are too.
It must be a relief to hear your daughter is enjoying her holiday, where did she go ?
I know it’s hard but try not to worry, you are doing a great job, we all get anxious, I try to sort my anxieties into what I know is fact and what are just random thoughts that I have left running around my head , I have found that when looking at just the factual anxieties , there are fewer actual anxieties and I find that I can then start to take control of them them rather than become over whelmed with a whole bunch of crazy notions that just feed off one another.
Thank you for you hug, here’s sending one back to you.
Take care
Hi Julie. Thanks so much for your message. My hand is a little better thanks - very swollen and bruised but I am assuming nothing is broken as I can move my fingers. It’s only painful if I try to carry things so hopefully it will heal pretty quickly.
Yes, I know what you mean about animals, especially dogs. They always seem to know when you need some comfort. Yes I am a real animal lover too. I met a friend yesterday who has 2 dogs and it was lovely to have them snuggled up against my legs. I get all the benefits of dog ownership without any of the downsides!
My daughter is in Italy, so it’s been very hot. But she seems to be enjoying herself. I miss her though and will be glad when she’s home. I don’t know about you but I now worry more, I think - when your life has changed in an instant it changes you. It certainly has changed me.
No counselling this week as she is on holiday. I can’t quite make up my mind if it’s helping or not.
One of my big issues is telling new people about my situation. If I start to tell them I inevitably start crying so I don’t bother starting. I wonder if I’ll ever get past that.
Hope your week is going okay. Take care and hope your leg continues to improve and that you can enjoy longer walks with your dog.
Hi Chrissie,
My week is going ok thank you and it is good news to hear your hand is improving . I have been resting my leg quite a bit lately in the hope that it will heal quicker but I must admit I’m getting a little bored at home.
Yes, there’s nothing like having a snuggle with a dog and I’m glad you’re enjoying the company of your friends dogs, they are great therapy. Talking of therapy, you sound like you are coping ok with your therapist on holiday as well as your daughter, sometimes when support is not there then we realise just how far we have come. My partner, David has recently returned to work and though working from home most of the time, he does go out and I’m starting to feel less anxious and a bit more in control of my emotions.
Telling new people is something I find tricky too, I went to a family bbq in June and thought I would feel safe but unfortunately a distant cousin I hadn’t seen for years, asked me how many children I had, I just froze, my eyes welled up and I managed to mumble that I needed the loo and rapidly left. Now I fear that situation/ conversation again, David has suggested that I prepare my answer and practice it, I shall try though I’m hoping it will get easier in time.
Take care and I hope your daughter has a safe journey home and keep resting that hand.
I too tried to save my son doing CPR until medics arrived. I knew he was gone, 4 months, today feels like 4 days ago. My Dad brought me up strong but the pain I feel is horrendous. However I think no more fighting and battling the addiction he had. I did everything I possibly could for 14 years. I just believe he is resting xx
Hi Julie. My hand seems a little better thanks but still resting it when I can. Hope you are soon back to full strength.
Yes, I haven’t missed my counselling session but overall not having a great week. I have been awake most of the night with lots of flashbacks and general panic about being on my own. It’s been a bit grim - I have cancelled seeing people too. I’ve no idea where it’s come from but think it’s partly having a house full of stuff which is overwhelming me. I am supposed to have a couple of friends coming for lunch tomorrow but I can’t face it, so will put them off.
My daughter is home and enjoyed her holiday. So nice to have her back. I do worry that I am not supportive enough of the girls - I need to snap out of this negativity but not sure how. I have found the news about Sinead O’Connor also very upsetting.
David sounds like such a great support. That’s a great idea about plannning what to say and practising it. I think I might try that too. I really felt for you with your episode at the bbq. It’s these things which take us by surprise - I felt your pain and anguish. My counselling thinks I should be open with people but I find it hard enough to say he’s died, never mind anything else.
I apologise for this being such a negative message. Someone on here has recommended a Zoom chat so I am planning to join that tonight. Hopefully that might give me a boost.
Hi Chrissie, thank you for your message it is good to hear from you and hopefully sharing some of how you feel , helps you in some way. There is no need to apologise for sending what you think is a negative message, it is understandable that you’re feeling how you are, as it does sound like you are having a difficult time at the moment, the flash backs and general panic must be difficult to cope with, especially if you’re not sleeping, I find when I haven’t slept well my mind just keeps churning out negative thoughts and scenarios and it’s almost like I need to reset. I have been reading a book called Empower your inner psychic by Theresa Chung, which sounds very spiritual and may not be your thing but I have found there are a range of little rituals , thoughts , breathing exercises and ways to empower yourself , I find some of it helpful when I cannot calm my mind and my thinking is negative which just breeds more negativity.
Yes David is a good support he does add practical solutions to some of my difficulties, I don’t have counselling at the moment, as I feel I’m not sure what to say. It’s hard to open up to people and maybe in time that will become easier but it’s early days, what I try and think to myself is that most people have experienced grief in some shape of form during their life . David thinks I should just tell people when the conversation becomes difficult and say I can’t talk about that now but my anxiety usually renders me mute and I just want to remove myself as quickly as possible.
I worry too that I’m not supportive enough to my children , as it’s difficult, especially after what happened to Haydn to know that they are ok, I would take your daughter going on holiday and enjoying it as a good sign that she is feeling supported. Perhaps your daughters could help you with sorting some stuff in your house, start small and see how it goes, it’s very to easy feel over whelmed when there is a lot to do.
I hope the zoom meeting was helpful to you and if you go to lunch with a couple friends tomorrow which I hope you are able to, then maybe see it as your reset, it’s a positive. Be kind to yourself and rest that hand.
We have a bit of sunshine today, so I’m just going to Barley out for a walk, I hope you can find a bit of sunshine today.
X
Hi Julie. Thanks so much for your message, as always. Yes it’s not been a great day and I spent several hours sleeping on the couch. I put off seeing people again but I did go on the Zoom call this evening and it was lovely. Really enjoyed it - everyone was so friendly.
That book by Theresa Chung sounds interesting - I will have a look for it. I really like the idea of adopting rituals and other techniques. These are things I was hoping I might get from my counsellor but haven’t so far. Anything that might take away some of the negativity would be really useful. I am the same when I don’t sleep. My mind just spins out of control and I end up in the doldrums again, which is upsetting.
Counselling is definitely not for everyone. Maybe it’s something you might consider in the future or maybe you find support elsewhere. Have you looked at SOBS at all? They have an online support group but I found it too difficult, too raw.
I don’t know about you but I feel I am destined to be a worrier now - worrying about everybody because a bad thing happened and it could happen again. It’s not rational but I seem to be stuck with it, for the moment at least.
I hope you enjoyed your dog walk earlier and that you are able to get out more over the weekend. I am singing tomorrow so will need to be more with it than I was today.
Take care and hope the sun shines for you over the weekend x
Hi there Chrissie,
Thank your thoughtful message, many of your thoughts mirror mine especially the notion that a truly bad thing could happen again. Prior to this happening, it was like something that you might read or hear about, or see on the television etc but it was not until it touched me and my family personally did I realise just how vulnerable we all to something bad happening to those we love.
Your zoom call sounds like a breath of fresh air after what sounded to be a tough week, it’s nice to find something that you can feel part of and be yourself. I imagine your friends that you put off last week will understand and will be there for you when you are ready.
Theresa Chung has written a few books with similar content, there are though many apps, books etc focusing on mindfulness without the psychic element, I like the mindfulness elements it gives me hope that I can conquer my anxiety and negativity. Maybe, your counsellor will introduce mindfulness in due course.
I have looked at SOBS but as you say it’s raw and I just get too upset and I’m thinking counselling is something I’m open to and perhaps in the future I will try it.
Now my leg is feeling better it was good to get out for a dog walk, Barley is so full of life and excitement for everything, I can’t help smiling when I see his goofy little face, even when inside I feel utterly miserable inside.
We didn’t get much sunshine this weekend but never mind , I hope you enjoyed your singing, do you sing in a group or church ?
Take care x
Hi Julie. Lovely to hear from you. Thanks so much for the photo of Barley - what a gorgeous dog! He oozes personality and no wonder he brings you such comfort every day. Glad you got out for a dog walk. The weather here has been mixed too, lots of heavy downpours.
I am glad that you have found mindfulness useful. I think I should use it more but haven’t done so for a few years. I think you’re right about the counselling- the time has to be right and the counsellor has to be right. I had a few sessions with one who really didn’t get what we are having to deal with. Her answer to everything was ‘what do you think?’
I have me sister staying for a couple of days as it’s her birthday , so that always gives me a boost. Also 2 friends came round and helped me to cut my hedge. Some people are so kind.
My singing is a covers band. I enjoy it but it’s quite hard as my husband used to play in it too. Several times yesterday I nearly lost it but managed to keep it together.
Hope you’ve had a nice weekend and that you have had some times of peace within it xx
Hi Chrissie, thank you for your message , it’s good to hear you from you too. I’m pleased you liked the photo of Barley, not the best photo but I wanted to share his goofy look that makes me smile a lot. We have just returned wind swept from our walk to the beach and back, fortunately missing the rain, which is now pelting down !
To be honest the last couple of days haven’t been great mentally, I started the day yesterday with a miss understanding and now I’m having trouble moving on and feeling anything but negativity. Days like these I wonder if counselling is the answer but it’s just as you say finding the right one is key.
It must be hard for you singing in the covers band without your husband but I really must commend you for doing so as it I imagine it would be easy just to avoid it, your messages to inspire me to do better and not to wallow in my grief.
Did you find cutting your hedge with your friends to be a relaxing and satisfying ? I do like doing something practical , I find filling my mind with activity helps to clear negativity, well only if the project goes well !
I hope you have enjoyed having your sister to stay over her birthday, a welcome boost as you say and a time to make some new precious memories. I think I spend too much time focusing on past memories and resisting enjoying moments now, as I feel guilty and sad that Haydn is not here to share them.
Take care and wishing you a peaceful mind and comfort as we make our way through a new month.
x
