I lost my son Curtis 28 took his life i feel exactly the same as you 14/06/2022 its so hard my only child im so sorry your son must have felt the same as mine i feel guilty every day i miss him so much find hard to go out dont want to see everyone living and not my boy 
1 Like
Hi, thank you for your message, itās so hard to know what to say that might help to ease your sorrow as I can feel your heartache, your pain and your guilt. We are mothers and our sons will always be our sons, no matter what life brings us now we will always have our precious memories. Like you I donāt want to meet up with anyone right now and as time goes by maybe that will change butI do hope that you have support when you are ready, take life at your pace.
Stay strong
Julie
Hi Julie. Lovely to hear from you. I am so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult couple of days. I know exactly what you mean about some minor misunderstanding leading to days of negativity. For me itās not being able to cope with people/situations. For example a shop assistant was rude the other day and I felt myself getting upset when I should just have brushed it off. My resilience is pretty much non-existent these days.
How have you been today? I hope you have felt a bit better but the negativity is always there, in my experience, lurking in the background just waiting to pounce.
I met an acquaintance in the local shop today and was able to answer the predictable āhow are you?ā question with āplodding along, nothing else I can do.ā And for once I felt okay with that - you canāt really say to people āI hate my lifeā much as you might want to.
Thatās the thing isnāt it. You canāt just pop out to the shops or go for a walk because there are places you donāt want to go/ potentially difficult people or situations to negotiate. I think these are the things which those who havenāt experienced grief donāt understand.
I saw my counsellor yesterday and she tried to boost me, telling me I had achieved things. But I donāt really believe her!
Yes, singing tomorrow night which will be hard but also something I need to do. Otherwise I feel I have little left of my old life and I need to hang into some of the things I enjoyed.
I enjoyed having my sister here. We get on pretty well and she takes me out of myself. Please donāt beat yourself up for dwelling on past memories. Itās very hard not to feel guilty and wish our loved ones were still here and I struggle with it pretty much every day. I am exactly the same. Was out today with my daughter but felt overwhelming sadness some of the time. I really feel for you. Itās so hard.
I hope this finds you feeling a little better and that you manage to have some nice walks with Barley over the weekend.
Take care and sending you a big hug at the start of a new month - 9 months to the day for me. X
Hi Chrissie, thank you for your message, your messages are a very welcome reminder that what Iām feeling isnāt the feelings of a mad woman but just someone who is grieving. I hope I find you as well
as you can be and that the last few days have been ok for you ?
Going singing and enjoying it despite finding it difficult is brave as you are facing up to something challenging and taking control when you just avoid it, so I think your counsellor is right about you achieving things because you are. Iām always being told not to be so hard on myself and I think that would be my advice to you 
Iām feeling a bit more balanced today and less negative after what was several days of just doom and gloom. Sometimes I think that Iām not coping at all, just bumbling along crying here and there. I know what you mean about having non-existent resilience, I used to work as a support worker in schools and often helping students with building on their resilience but I canāt seem to practice what I used to teach !
So good to hear you enjoyed having your sister to stay, itās always pleasant to spend time with those who take us out of ourselves, even if it is only briefly, itās nice to be reminded that underneath all the grief and sorrow that we are still there and there is hope for the future.
Iām sure this will make no sense but here goes; I find that Iām not the person I was but I donāt want to be the person I was because I wish that I had been a stronger person and then maybe I could have prevented what happened , so I donāt know who I am anymore ! - sorry if I have confused you.
Thank you for the hug, here is sending you one , may you have a peaceful week. X
1 Like
I took advice from sue Ryder to contact Compasionate friends so glad I did wouldnāt be here now . Thereās not a day gone by when Iāve needed support & they were there .went to a wonderful grief retreat & it felt like home. Because everyone understood. Sending love to everyone you are not alone. With the people whoāve been through the same
1 Like
Hi Julie and thanks so much for your message. I have to jump straight to your words at the end - sums up exactly how I feel but I didnāt know that until I read it. You are so right - I donāt want to be the same person either because I failed to stop it from happening, even as it all unfolded before my eyes. Itās so horrible to keep reliving it too but I do just that, every day and often several times a day. And then I beat myself up yet againā¦I think being somebody else could be a way forward for me, almost shedding my old self. I was really interested and not surprised to hear that you used to be a support worker in schools. I am a retired SEN teacher and know how invaluable that work is.
I am so pleased to hear that you have had a few better days. I have been pretty up and down. I managed to sing at my friendās party although I was a tearful mess five minutes beforehand! I know that it was an achievement getting through it and being able to āget into the zoneā but it took tremendous willpower not to run away.
You say that you are bumbling along but I think youāre doing more than that. I think that you are very self-aware and know what you can cope with, which is a real strength. I am definitely bumbling along and the crying is so painful isnāt it? I wonder if I will ever stop.
I hope that your week is going okay and that you are giving yourself permission to bumble along or whatever else you choose to do. That is my counsellorās mantra - āgive yourself permissionā. Like you she lost her son and now tries to help others bereaved in the same way. I am full of admiration for people like her - I can never see myself being able to do that.
Take care and sending good wishes to you and Barley 
1 Like
Hi Chrissie, thank you for your message and I hope this week is going okay for you ? Iām feeling a little que sera sera today but this mood doesnāt affect the gravity of empathy that I have for you and your situation, so please forgive me if I seem a little lacking in sentiment today.
I am glad that you understood what I meant by wanting to be someone else, sometimes things are so muddled in my brain, I never quite know if Iām making any sense !
Maybe, shedding parts of ourselves is a way forward, I guess we are all evolving/changing in one way or another and our experiences, good or bad do change us, I hope they make us stronger, not something we perhaps recognise or feel now. The mere fact that we have survived and have been able to function on varying levels over the last nine months for you and ten months for me is something that I would not have believed right back in the early days and surely is a testament to our strength.
It must be so very hard for you on a day to day basis to keep reliving what happened and it is certainly not something you should beat yourself up about, which I know is easier said than done. Yes the crying is really painful and often moments of crying creep up on me but I am hopeful this will become less painful as time passes.
How fantastic that you sung at your friendās birthday party, well done you, to be able to calm yourself is admirable and sounds very positive and not you bumbling along but taking control.
How strange we both worked in education, I am not surprised either that you were a SEN teacher, you write very thoughtfully and with a good deal of empathy for others. Did you work in Secondary education ? My last post was in a special school, I enjoyed it far more than mainstream, though it did have its challenges on the whole the experience made me a kinder person.
With your counsellorās words in my mind this week I am trying to give myself permission to bumble or feel or achieve or at least look at situations with the possibility of positive things happening. Maybe, your counsellor after her own loss finds peace and comfort in helping others as she truly knows how it feels to suffer such a significant loss but whatever her reasons you are right it is something to be admired and who knows what the future holds for us.
Thank you for the good wishes for both Barley and me, I hope your hand is now better and you can get back to pickle ball ( love that name).
Take care Chrissie.
1 Like
I feel your pain because i feel exactly the same way. I loved my boy so much, cant bear to live without him. He was my best friend and my hole world. Im just biding my time till i can see him again for our next journey, which Iām hoping will be soon. That sounds sad doesnt it? Xx
Hi Maggie - I too have found Compassionate Friends are really good at supporting people whoāve lost a child. I first went to them a few months after my daughter died and they really do understand and helped me during my worst darkness. I went to a retreat at Ammerdown and it really helped to be in a place where everyone can share and everyone really does know how you feel. I was lucky enough to get a Grief Companion organised by CF and just knowing sheās there if I need to talk, really helps. Sheās become a friend. Compassionate Friends really are compassionate, Iād recommend them to anyone whoās lost a child whether itās recent or many years ago. Xxxx
1 Like
Hi Julie. First of all apologies for the late reply. I seem to have had another of those rollercoaster weeks. Up one minute, despair the nextā¦and I donāt like to reply if Iām having a rough day.
Yes, you are right to say that we have both done well, just surviving the past 9/10 months. Itās been hugely challenging but we have managed to get through hundreds of days. I donāt know about you but I am finding the one year anniversary is already stressing me out - within a 2 week period I have that, plus his birthday and my wedding anniversary. Itās tempting to go away somewhere for a few days but not sure if thatās a good idea or not.
Itās funny that we both worked in the same field! I loved it at the time but am relieved that I retired from it as I wouldnāt be able to cope with it now. Sometimes I think that a part time job in a shop or cafe might be good for taking me out of myself, but on the other hand I donāt know if I could do it or not. Itās that same thing about becoming someone else, I suppose. Maybe itās good to reinvent yourself in the real world - but not sure I can cope with it, to be honest.
I hope that your leg has fully healed now, although I know these things take time. My wrist is much better so I am going to try a game this week - but it might be very short-lived!
Hope your week is going okay for you. Iām definitely quite down this past week but interspersed with that I have had a couple of okay days, so that will have to do.
Take care xx
Hi Chrissie, thank you for you message and there is absolutely no need to apologise, I know exactly what you mean by a roller coaster week and not wanting to reply if having a rough time.
I hope that I find you today feeling ok and having a week with not too many of those inevitable roller coaster downs. My week has not been too bad I suppose overall, like you Iām already stressing about the ever looming 1 year anniversary, I keep thinking about all the things that Haydn has missed, one especially that I find upsetting is that his daughter who is now 2, probably doesnāt even remember him. Unfortunately it does sound like itās not just the 1 year anniversary you have too deal but other events too, my heart goes out to you. I have often found though that the build up to any anniversary is often more stressful than the actual day. It is as you say tempting to want to go away somewhere, I did sort of suggest this to David but he just said that no matter where I go, I will not escape the emotions I hold within and maybe it would be better to go another time. At first I didnāt really agree but on reflection I guess he is right and maybe itās better to be at home.
I also have had similar thoughts about getting a part time job, on the surface it seems a good idea but I donāt think Iām really ready, it would not take much even in a mildly stressful situation for me to crumble into a anxious, crying mess. Maybe, itās something for the future.
Well, I do hope you have managed to have a game of pickle ball and that your wrist has held up, my leg is now fully healed and Iām back to longer dog walks much to the relief of Barley !
I hope your weekend goes okay . Take care and catch up with you soon xx
1 Like
Hi Julie.
Many thanks for your message. I was really pleased to hear that your leg has fully healed. Ailments seem to get more common and problematic as we get older, donāt they? My wrist is almost fully healed now so I was back at Pickleball this week. Felt good to be back doing something. But I have also had a couple of days when I did nothing, and felt myself getting into a downward spiral once again.
Met up with family too which can have its challenges- most of all itās that feeling that everyone expects you to have moved on which I struggle with. Also that big hole that existsā¦I wonder if you ever get beyond it?
I didnāt realise that your son had a daughter. So heartbreaking. Do you see her regularly?
Thatās interesting what you say about anniversaries. I hope you are right that the anticipation is worse. Like you I think I will stay at home that day, but there might be pressure from some other family members to ādo somethingā. Weāll see.
Have you done any more with your art materials? I am not doing anything creative just now, but I am back reading a bit, which Iām pleased about. I also like audio books. Iām also a fan of a good tv drama which I find a good way to switch my mind off, although Iāve had to turn off ones which are triggering. Like you I am definitely not mentally strong enough to think about starting a new job just now. I am so easily reduced to a puddleā¦
Hope youāre having an okay weekend. I am watching the womenās World Cup final.
Take care xx
1 Like