Pain

Married 30 years now alone and don’t know how I’m going to go on without her

Hi Mickp
I think this is the hardest thing to live with. Getting up finding a purpose putting up with stupid people and trying to enjoy a somewhat normal life. All are daily struggles. Over the course of time things get easier but are by no means easy. It is a mind screw that sometimes feels like a madness with moments of sanity. Only time will tell what awaits what is now this life

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Thanks for your kind reply.
It’s almost impossible right now to get help. I’m not incapable just lost right now .The swift exit of my wife has left me devastated and it helps to hear from kindred spirits.Although I feel so alone your response has helped me tonight.
Thank you and I hope your coping as well.
Mick

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Hi Mick,

I’m so sorry to hear about your wife. It sounds as though things are very tough right now, but I’m glad that you’ve been able to talk about how you’re feeling here. There is lots of other support out there, and I would really encourage you to reach out and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

Sue Ryder offers an online bereavement counselling service. This is a free service and sessions are held via video chat so you can attend from home. There’s more information about this service here: www.sueryder.org/counselling

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

You can also make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your area. As you probably know, GPs and support services are not currently offering face-to-face appointments, but will usually be able to offer telephone or online alternatives.

You deserve care and support so please, Mick, get in touch with one of these services.

Take care,

Mick
Online Community team

Thank you I will follow up those links
.:pray:
Mick

Sadly Mick you are not alone. Everyone on here is traveling the same lonely road you are on. My wife died twelve weeks ago. We were together for nearly forty years, married for twenty nine.
After you have been married for thirty years it will take a long time to learn to live without your wife.
Give yourself time to grieve. Post on here, or read other people’s posts, it does help as you find out you are not alone

Thanks Richard,
Yes I’m realising I’m not alone.
I’m struggling with the speed of it (Covid)
I had the death certificate confirmation today ,multiple organ failure,Covid related plus asthma,hypotension and blood pressure contributed.
She lost her sister last year to peritoneal cancer so I understand the trauma of that.
I’ve only been on this site a few hours and am already feeling reassured.
Thanks
Mick

Hi Mick,

Even though it’s not a spouse I’ve lost, I believe the pain is the same. I lost my beautiful and wonderful mum absolutely out of the blue 7 months ago and even though it’s gotten easier to just exist, the pain is immeasurable. She was way too young to go, and this unfairness of life sits so heavily in my chest. Some amazing things have happened in my life since, but I can’t feel much joy, I want to but it’s difficult. I feel ungrateful. I also feel guilty for having things to be happy about when my mum is not here to do the things she so desperately wanted to, but also feel guilty for being unhappy because my mum would want me to be happy and I believe she is behind these amazing things in my life. I am so lost and numb. Just wish this all was a nightmare.

We just have to learn to adapt to this pain, and it will become easier. For the first few months I couldn’t sleep, constantly thinking dark thoughts and wanting to be done with this life, but I am still here and no longer have those kind of thoughts. We have to go on, if not for ourselves, then definitely for our loved ones.

Sending you lots of love and strength

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Hi there is mostly always someone on here that will relate and try to help with how we feel and in turn we can hopefully help others. Just a few simple words can help in so many ways to make you feel less alone.
Nothing lessens the intense pain at the beggining and in fact seems to always be there waiting to punch you in the gut when least expect it.
Somehow we start to cope in a new way.

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I am so sorry for your loss, Mick. I lost my partner of 15 years quite suddenly two months ago… Sometimes I feel like I am going insane…
After finding this site, it amazes me so many people are experiencing the same painful emotions and still manage to live on… Two months in, and i am afraid support from his friends and my friends will fade… It’s nice to find an online community to share and grieve together. Xxx

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Thanks Riley,
It’s so hard wake every day and it’s real.
I find evenings worse so sit up late until I’m really tired .
And yes the messages stop,the cards stop,and the world moves on ,just wish I could move with it XXX

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I keep thinking I might be ok if I am feeding our cats or reading/writing in here or some other distraction. I can sound like i am fine often. My stepdad was telling my stepsister on the phone “oh yes she is doing really well” about me but I am not. I want my one person in this world back and I can’t do this. It is so exhausting and for what?! What actually is the point.

So sorry for us all. How can we keep this up when it is just relentless agony.

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I’ve been distracted by paperwork but now it’s nearly complete the days just drag. I’m alone in this house with so many memories and don’t know how I’m going to carry on.
We moved six years ago and really didn’t settle in this location. We have good neighbours but no friends here . My son is in New Zealand and my daughter is going through a relationship break up and don’t think she fully understands my situation. My wife was her step Mum and she was very upset when she died but it’s like she’s already over it and only concerned about her own predicament.
Somehow I’ll get through just wish I could see how right now.
Try and stay strong
Mick xx

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Hi Mick
I lost my husband in October suddenly after 28 years of marriage. He was my rock, my strength and my best friend. Some days are worse than others. I feel numb at times and worry that I’m not grieving ‘properly’. I can’t imagine a future without my husband and feel so empty.
We will get through this, one step at a time.
I have received advice saying to ask for help when I need it, to reach out to friends, to take care of myself physically and emotionally. It’s hard to ask for help when there’s only one person that would make me feel better and he’s gone.
Lockdown and the coming tier restrictions mean that ordinary things that we might do to reach out to others are so problematic. I’m glad there is at least access to online communities for us to share our feelings and hopefully feel supported by others who understand what we’re going through.
One day at a time…

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Hi Beth,
It sounds like we having a similar time at the moment.
And yes like you I’ve had all offers of help,talk, scream,shout,
But the fact remains I’m here alone with memories and thoughts racing through my head .
Weekends are worse too quiet outside , but I’m going to my sisters Tuesday for break and to be with another human being and to leave a mountain of paperwork,red tape and bureaucracy behind for a few days.
Take care,and keep using this platform it really helps xxx
MICK

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Mick - I would encourage you to take up the online counselling service. I lost my husband of almost 30 years back in August. He was my whole world and every day is a challenge. The counselling is not a magic wand but just talking to someone who is there to support and offer advice and allow you to talk about how you feel without feeling guilty or feeling you need to respond in a certain way. My counsellor is the only person I have been able to be completely honest with about how I’m feeling. Other (well meaning people) say ‘oh you’re so strong’, ‘you’re being so brave’ when the reality is you are lost, hearbroken and are stuggling to see any kind of meaningful future and often putting on a brave face for other people.

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Hi Sally and Mick
I lost my husband in February from cancer. It was a shock when he went so suddenly after telling me the night before he felt so well. IStupidly I was not at all prepared even though we knew his cancer was terminal. I have been going through so much hell since then but 9 months on there are times when I have lighter moments and they reassure me that I am on the road to finding some sort of peace. I reached out to this site and was bizarrley amazed that I wasn’t the only one in this private hell and that others were going through many of the same things I was experiencing. It gave me some comfort. Months on I contacted Cruse which provides bereavement councelling. I have had 4 sessions with my councellor. For the first 3 sessions I sobbed all the way through. But I was able to tell her all my deepest innermost thoughts and worries that I’d been unable to share with anyone else. Last night was my 4th session. I didn’t cry or sob this time. I was able to talk about my precious man with only a lump in my throat. I can’t explain it and everyone is different but these sessions have really helped me even though I was sceptical at first. Reaching out is the first step to finding some peace. I’m glad I found the strength to call them. It’s not for everyone but when you are in the depths of despair you have to try something.
Thinking of everyone in this place we would rather not be.
xx

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It’s good to know it gets better eventually.
Yesterday I arranged my wife’s funeral only to find I’m not allowed to dress her in some of her favourite clothes . I’m not allowed to see her and say goodbye . I’m distraught again I have somehow to shake my last images of her when she passed holding my hand in ITU on life support . I just need closure and to see her at rest but… NO NOT ALLOWED .I know not everyone likes to do that but I would have gone .
Take care
Mick xxx

Dear @Mickp,
I was surprised to read that you are not being allowed to have your wife dressed in clothes of your choosing, and not even being allowed to see her to say goodbye. Is it the funeral director who is saying that? If so, what possible justification can he/she have for doing so?! My wife passed in mid-July and the (Co-op) funeral director asked me to provide clothes for her and she was in the Chapel of Rest for a week before the actual funeral. During that week, I was allowed to visit her any time of the day between 9am and 5pm, including Saturday and Sunday as long as I gave them some notice. In practice, I went to see my wife on 5 of the 6 available days, spending about 3 hours a day with her. I took one of her religious books (which she kept by her bedside) with me and read aloud to her, sat quietly with her, and played some relaxation music for her using my mobile phone. All of that activity was so important to me, I cannot imagine the additional grief I would have felt if I had been prevented from doing so.
Is there any way you can challenge what you are being told? It just all seems so damned, downright unfair!

I’m so sorry Mick. It sounds like you need the comfort of seeing her one last time. My husband had 2 postmortems which took weeks and for me I felt it would be too hard to see him again after that. I try and think of the last time I saw him alive and not dwell on the day I found him. I do struggle with that and it often flits into my mind and takes my breath away. Arranging our loved ones final rest and saying a last goodbye is our final tribute and I am so sorry you have been denied that. Losing someone who was our soulmate was never going to be easy but with the dreadful Covid virus it has taken away all our rights to say goodbye the way we want to.
Thinking of you.
x

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