My June Passed on June 17, taken into hospital on the 12th, next day I was told there was no more they could do and they wanted to put her on Palliative Care. She had a DNAR so I didn’t feel I could object. I thought I knew what Palliative Care meant, I do now. They looked after her pain and comfort, but no water or nourishment. It took 4 days for her to die, slowley and very painfully for me. No-one says it but Palliative Care means you die of starvation and thirst.
I don’t blame the staff, they were great, above and beyond, they cared, but we know what Palliative Care means - there has to be a humane way
Sorry if people get offended or hurt by this, that’s not my intention.
Dave
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I am truly sorry you have had a such painful experience and I would like to share a little bit of my own. It’s not really something I have done on this site, my husbands passing was traumatic and impacted on my family and myself.
He was admitted to hospital as we were waiting on the results of investigations into stomach pains. My husband left his home never to return, cancer was confirmed within a few days and his condition deteriorated very quickly. He agreed a DNR in the first week, confirmed his agreement in second week by which time he was having palliative care. This basically ensured he was as pain free as possible.
He did not eat or drink throughout this period, fluids were deliver via IV, and we saw him fade away. He died 14 days after being admitted. Our desire to get him home unfulfilled.
But I researched afterwards as like you I did have concerns around the lack of nutrition and found that the body itself shuts down with no appetite for food or water as it prepares for death. I was with him 24/7 and our family there every day too. I do wish he had been at home or in a hospice rather than a busy general hospital, I know that would have been more comforting.
Palliative care ensured my husband did not suffer a painful death.
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Hi all
My husband was also diagnosed with cancer 3 days before he passed very shocked all tests he had done colonoscopys showed no bowel cancer his bowel ruptured he had primary bowel cancer which had spread. Mick was in hospital for 3 days palliative care he was able to eat and drink a little I brought him home where he wanted to be. He was talking to us on the way home then I could see he was deteriorating fast once home oh his sofa he smiled and held my hands making muttering noises only he was so peaceful managed to smile until he passed 3 hours later.
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My sister died in her own home. She’d secondary brain cancer, the primary was, rectal.
She too was on pallative care with a dnr in place.
Initially she was, eating and drinking but in the final week she could no longer do this safely due to not being able to swallow, she’d have the odd sip of water, we used sponges on a stick.
She didn’t want food or drink.
Pallative care ment she wasn’t in pain, her death was peaceful and that’s all you can wish for. Peace in the end.
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A post was split to a new topic: Our Mum-in-Law passed away
No I agree. with my Sue I could only wet her lips with a tiny sponge on a stick it was just like a tiny bird feeding it broke my heart again . But they told all liquids entered her lungs so she can’t drink. I AM SO SORRY MY LOVE.
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We lost our Mom three weeks ago. We also had no idea that palliative care meant watching them die of starvation and thirst. She was adamant she wanted to die at home. So we got her home after 4 days in the hospital. But this meant her pain relief wasn’t sufficient and district nurses would only come if we called them, 3 hours minimum wait for more pain relief and sedatives. The night before she passed she was in agony. It was absolutely heartbreaking to see. And we felt so cruel as they told us we could no longer give her liquids on a sponge. She hadn’t eaten for a week at this point.
The day before she died she was shouting for oramorph. Despite her syringe driver.
I don’t think I’ll ever get those final few days out of my head.
No one told us it would be like this.
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@Mrsuvedoble my Sue had three syringe drivers in her for the last 5 days all I could do was hold her hand and stroke her hair. Its so sad.
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@dave170520 so you are saying I starved my Sue to death talk about putting more guilt on me.
Not at all, that’s not what I meant and am sorry if you took it that way. We all learn what Palliative Care means the hard way - none of us have been through it before and have to rely on the medical staff and my understanding is that they try to keep our loved ones pain free which they did for my June… I aplogise if I offended you, that was not my intention.
@dave170520 no Dave as you well know we are both suffering at the moment and I took it the wrong way so its me I Apologise. Its so dark in my life sorry dave in Liverpool
No apology necessary my friend, none of us want to be here and it’s natural to want to blame someone. Just take it one day/hour/minute at a time - the hurt never goes away, but it’s not so raw now ater 2.5 years
I’m sorry you’re also going through this too Dave. I think we all feel guilty about the EOL stage we watched our late loved ones go through.
It’s been 5 weeks today since we watched my Mom fade away and it still feels surreal. We had the funeral on Tuesday. It still feels unreal, like she’s just going to ring me one day.
I keep thinking of ringing her up, I used to ring her basically every time I made a 10 min car journey. She’s still on my most called people. 
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I had a very similar experience in that 2 days before my wife passed away I called 999 as I didn’t know what to do. She was in agony crying out for oral morph which I was told to administer every 3 hours along with other pain relief. I was told just to up the dose. I contacted the hospice the next day but by the time the ambulance arrived my wife died in our arms. It was very distressing for myself and my two kids. You are really left on your own when discharged from hospital. I didn’t know how to lift my wife to ease her pain. It was harrowing. When she died we had to deal with para medics police coroners etc so the nightmare continued. I think one month later I am in shock. I am trying to find some new normality but living on my own is frightening. I work but often break down which is harrowing. I hate 6pm to 8pm seem to go to bed early and earlier. I am hoping that spring makes things brighter I also worry about how my two grown up daughters are coping. They seem to be ok but you can never tell
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Hi I’m so sorry for your loss. It all sounds so similar to what we went through with my Mom. On 25th Feb it will have been a whole year since we lost her and I can say it does get easier to bear. I have had CBT which helped a lot and my work were and still are fantastically supportive. I do hope your daughters are coping. I know my grief was different to my Dad’s as I still had my husband here for me but he had lost his best friend and only partner of 50 years. Sorry I am rambling but I just wanted to reach out and say we are thinking of you. Cruse Bereavement have helped and the Sue Ryder text support also. They message me a few times a week with helpful advice.
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I am starting Counselling soon so that will hopefully help. What is CBT ? Thank you
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Sorry just realised it is cognitive behavioural therapy. Thanks again
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