Sorry to hear how you are feeling.
I’d say this is all part of the many facets to grief.
I suffered panic attacks after my husband died December 21. Never had anything like it before.
Also had terrible feelings like I was going to die.
Thankfully, those feelings have mostly gone or eased though my self confidence has taken a bruising too.
Read as much as you can and continue to get help on here. Hope you feel better knowing it’s all part of the process.
Kath x
1 Like
Thank you, Kath. Yes, it’s reassuring to know xx
https://community.sueryder.org/u/Goldfinch There was a trigger, and that was someone discussing going on holiday next year. I think it was the realisation that I will never holiday with my wife or family again. (My 2 daughters are adults). I had some expectation of this, in fact, I have just come back from a solo road trip around north east Scotland. The idea behind the road trip was to get accustomed to being on my own travelling, in hotels, etc, but, to be honest, it felt like a temporary thing even while I was doing it. A band aid on a wound that actually needs stitching.
Long term planning now seems like a scary prospect. Fear is not usually part of my life, but suddenly it’s real. I’ve not felt this way before, it’s all new to me, and it’s somewhat disorientating.
2 Likes
@AdamS That’s tough. Yes, disorientating indeed. You were courageous to give it a go. I think the wound heals of its own accord in its own time - it can’t be stitched. That’s the hard bit. And the sometimes intolerable feelings in the meantime
3 Likes
It’s so tough learning a new way of being, which is something we all have to try and do.
All credit to you for taking the first steps with your solo trip. X
2 Likes
‘A band aid on a wound’ I can relate to that.
I thought, and the family agreed, that a rescue dog would give me companionship and a reason to go out. Maybe even chat with other dog owners.
When I was told I had been chosen to have the dog the panic and anxiety set in. I should have felt excitement so I knew I had made the wrong decision. We always made decisions together… I can’t seem to hold it together and look after myself let alone a dog. (I pulled out and it was adopted by another lovely family).
I realise now I can only think no further than tomorrow and avoid ‘bandaid’ decisions. The anxiety seems to have lifted the lid on the emotions I thought I was getting under control. I seem to have stepped back.
It has been 15 weeks since my partner of 17 years just one night went downstairs, sat in his chair and passed away with no warning. I still haven’t been told the reason why. 4 to 5 months I have to wait.
We took early retirement. We had so many plans to travel. I know I cannot do that alone. I’ve casually looked at solo holidays but that fills me with dread. You are very brave Adam.!
2 Likes
https://community.sueryder.org/u/Patti Hello Patti.
Funnily enough, I spent a long time looking at rescue dogs on the Dogs Trust website, (my last 2 dogs came from there, both dead now, but had long and happy lives). I just knew that the time wasn’t right as I’m not at home all the time. I’m 62 and still work part time 2 days a week and I don’t want to give that up. I work in a museum in Glasgow and it’s quite a peaceful place, (most of the time) and it’s a good way to get out the house and talk to people.
I knew for sure my wife would die from her cancer, I can’t imagine how it must feel to have your partner pass suddenly without warning. I don’t think I am brave at all, sometimes it feels quite awful to be sitting in a quiet house that was once so full of a noisy family life. I think I was partially trying to escape that feeling of emptiness. That was before the anxiety started, at the moment I don’t think I could do another long road trip. All the very best to you.
2 Likes
Hi Goldfinch,
So sorry for your loss. My wife passed away quite suddenly now just past 2 1/2 years ago. For me the first year I had the hyper anxiety you describe. My feelings on this is that it is a very normal for you to react like this. I think it is your body’s way of physically reacting when your world has been torn apart. Your flight or fight survival response is in overdrive as it feels that it too may be under attack, which will block out any normal rational thinking. You will feel extremely vulnerable and blindly look to anyone who can help you.
As others have said can only suggest scaling down your ambitions to drop straight back to where you were before this happened. This all takes time and effort.
Congratulate yourself on small improvements, you probably know yourself you are stronger than in the first weeks.
If someone one was suddenly badly beaten up you would expect them to feel this way and expect this will take time and have setbacks, for me sudden grief seems the same.
I wish I could say that everything will eventually be as it was, but it won’t. But you do slowly realise the world is not as threatening, confusing, heartless as it seems at the start. Everyone’s grief, like how they love, is different. I think you have to learn to live with it. I found I had to find ways to try to get my head to focus on something else as mourning my wife 24/7 was so hard. Work, trying meditation, really long dog walks.
I feel I am now in a better place, but I am in a bitter sweet period where life is marching on with nice things happening that I can appreciate, like my new granddaughter. But as enjoyable as that is, my wife would have been in her element making dresses etc.
Even today I am finally preparing “our” living room for redecorating. Which she would normally have been the “project manager” of. In clearing it out found her old appointment’s diary and found myself staring at dates that she entered that were after her death.
So I have not stopped grieving, its basically now part of who I am now, rather than being all I did.
Wishing you and all who have found themselves having to come here some peace.
5 Likes
Hello Adam.
Thank you for your reply. We were in a fortunate position to have taken early retirement together. We kept in touch with a couple of friends but were at our happiest in our own company. Family has grown up and moved away.
I can understand why you don’t want to give up your part time job. It must give you some sort of structure to your day plus the opportunity to talk to people.
I do find the emptiness of my house deafening. Alone all the time. But I find it my safe sanctuary. I can hide away from the world when I feel I can’t face anyone. I have to force myself to go out. Usually it’s when I have run out of milk or an appointment. The idea of joining something social on my own in order to chat to people just fills me with dread.
It must be so hard for people to return to work after their loss. To try and fit in and act normal. Whatever normal is now. As part of my job I used to drive all over the country. Now I panic if I have to drive to the supermarket. I have lost all confidence in things that I used to do naturally.
Take care.
3 Likes
Hi my partner died suddenly as well
He just had his 62rd birthday and was well and very happy
We had so many plans
He was differently my soul mate
It was the day before my birthday
And then my mum died the day after
I don’t think I will ever get over the shock . As my brain has no time to prepare . And I think that’s why I feel anxious and lost . It’s was just over 3 months ago and for me it’s getting harder in a different way. I don’t talk about him to anyone now as it hurts to much . I did talk the first few weeks but can’t now . And I think it courses anxiety because the shock how could it not . I wish there was something I could say that I do that helps but nothing helps .
All I can do is try to keep busy and not be on my own.
5 Likes
Hi please keep reaching out to this sight, you are truly in a shocking place! One day at a time!
I lost my dear Chris 22/4/22 suddenly to a heart attack, just baby steps xx
@Maria1966 - no wonder you are struggling. One death is difficult enough but to then lose your mum as well must be almost impossible to bear.
Do you have family and friends to support you?
I hope you can find a way to keep talking about your husband, I find it helps if my husband is mentioned in conversation. Tell us about him here if it helps.
The sudden loss is so difficult when I imagine you had retirement plans together - me and my husband had so many ideas of what we would do and where we would visit. We have both been robbed of that. Take care x
2 Likes
Hi Goldfinch, and all the other people who have responded to Goldfinch’s post: I lost my beloved partner nearly 3 years ago and from being a happy fulfilled person, I have become very anxious and panicky. I realise how much I depended on my partner to keep me from unhealthy introspection and from giving in to anxiety, which was always there but manageable because I could talk to him. So I empathise with all of you going through these symptoms. I try so hard to manage the anxiety but it is really hard-going sometimes. So many people report similar experiences, so I guess, Goldfinch, that it probably is normal for some of us sensitive souls, and we all have to try and find the best ways through.
2 Likes
Hi @Susy Thank you for taking the time to respond. I’m sorry to hear you struggle with anxiety, too. And, yes, similarly my partner absorbed a lot of my ‘stuff’. Have you tried swimming? I find it helpful in the moment
2 Likes
Thank you for responding to my post @philfitz and for sharing your experiences. And sorry it’s taken me a while to reply - but I know you’ll understand, given the feelings I described and that you also experienced. I think you’re completely right about the flight/fight (and freeze, in my case) survival response being in overdrive. It’s how I’ve described it to others - the very old bit of the brain being triggered. I guess it’s partly the trauma of it all. I feel like I’m desperately flailing around, grabbing hold of anything I can to try and stay afloat. Which is what I think you meant by the ‘blindly look to anyone to help you’.
I am glad you are now in a better place, but, yes, I can understand the bitter-sweetness of experiencing things your wife would have loved and expected to experience, too. Wishing you peace
3 Likes
I lost my husband in a moment. He was ok, then he wasn’t.
He was fit, healthy and happy.
He died 3 weeks after his second Covid vaccine as the result of a heart attack. Massive blockage as per previous descriptions from others in this thread. I am not anti vax but just curious how many people who have unexpectedly lost loved ones have had the same thoughts as I have had re. C V’s??
I have been following this forum since my husband died over a year ago. I have seen a spike in posts about these sudden losses, particularly in younger men. Don’t want to get into details but I believe that there is much more to learn in the future. There is so much pain from these sudden losses. I sincerely hope I am wrong and not simply looking for something to blame xx
3 Likes
Hi Loveforver,
My partner also passed away very suddenly last November, he was fit and healthy and had had a medical for a pilots licence only 4 weeks before he passed, he was told there were no issues.
This was 4 months after his 2nd vaccine and I did wonder if there could be any connection, he has a massive heart attack while out jogging.
I just can’t get my head around how someone who seemed to be healthy and fit and had no symptoms whatsoever can suddenly die.
I spend a lot of time thinking about how and why this happened and also am surprised at how many others it has happened to.
It has been a nightmare and I will never get over the shock.
Sending love
Muldool
2 Likes
Muldool,
Agreed. Totally shocking. I just wonder how many people this has happened to recently vs over time???
The bottom line is that no matter what people tell us, we know our husbands were fit and healthy, took the vaccine, then died with absolutely no warning.
We have to live with it. The loss. The silence. The anxiety. Meanwhile everyone else gets on with life.
Just saying xx
4 Likes
@LoveForever - my husband died of a stroke, which happened 16 days after a Covid booster jab. He also had no ill health and was only 55.
I did ask at the hospital if there could be a connection and was told that it would be considered and I would be told if they found a link.
I’m unsure how they would have check that and of course I never heard anything else.
2 Likes
I am actually meeting with the ambulance crew who attended Pete, because the death was so sudden and unexpected I have lots of questions.
Some people don’t understand why I want to do this and ask if I’m sure I’m doing the right thing?
I know nothing can change the outcome but I just need to understand what happened, I am dreading it but there are so many scenarios going around my head and I need to know the facts.
I hope in a bizarre way it will help me come to terms with it.
Muldool
2 Likes