My husband died 12 weeks ago. We were married 49 years and together 52 years
I can’t part with any of his clothes or belongings yet . I still have his toothbrush in the pot in the bathroom . He coat and hat are hung up in the hall . Even the other day, his hat fell down, and i picked it up and placed it back where it belonged . One of my close friends has said to me that if this had happened to her ,she would have cleared all his stuff out weeks ago. Because she believes it will cause me more pain and i noot facing realty of that he has gone ,for good . This is something i cant accept
Am i causing myself more pain having his things around the house
My husband died 12 weeks ago. We were married 49 years and together 52 years
@SHEWITCH , this is a very personal choice. I have given some of my husband’s best polo shirts to my grandsons and my son. Some old t shirts i put in a bag for a charity collection at my granddaughter’s school but the rest is still here. I sobbed whilst i was doing it so i have stopped and have had to distract myself by watching netflix. I am only 4 weeks in 5 weeks since his cardiac arrest and today we should have gone to Gran Canaria. I knew it was going to be a bad day so probably not a good choice to start it today. I will leave it for a while to sort the rest out. You will find a time that suits you, but it will be hard. Sending a big hug. Take care.
My partner died 8 weeks ago and his toothbrush and razor are still on the bathroom sink, his coat still hangs on the back of the dining room chair and his unwashed coffee cup is still by the kettle. All his clothes are still in the wardrobe and his car is still in the garage. For now they will stay there.
It’s not causing me more pain and I know that he’s gone for good. I’ll think about it when I’m ready and not before.
I know I need to decide what to do with his car, it’s a decent car and I know it’s just going to rust away in the garage forever
At the end of the day the only people we need to worry about is us. We are the ones who are going through it, not our friends. We’ll do what’s best for us and at a time that suits us. Don’t worry about anyone else, just do what’s best for you!
No disrespect intended but it didn’t happen to your friend did it? Only you can decide when you are ready and if it’s right for you. There is no timescale for anything and I don’t think anything can cause any more pain than we are already going through. Be kind to YOU, others are not always right about what is best for us. Take care
@SHEWITCH there is no timeline for when you need to part with you husband’s belongings anymore there is a time line on how long it will take to grieve.
Your friend does not know how she would be if it had happened to her, anymore than any of us did until it happened.
I lost my partner 14 weeks ago and still have his stuff all around the house with no intention of getting rid of anything yet. Having it around me does not cause me more pain, I find it comforting.
Just do what feels right for you xx
@SHEWITCH I lost my Martin just over 9 months ago, I will never part with any of his things. Your friend has no idea what’s she’s talking about! Bet she still has her other half. People can be so insensitive, you do what ever is right for you.
Big hugs x❤️
I lost my Hubby 6 months ago and I still have his belongings yes some I gave to my Granddaughter some I had made into keepsakes for family at Christmas his slippers are still in my living room in the same place we left them for him but it does not upset me it makes me feel comfort so it bothers me when I hear people are telling those who are going through this awful grieving time to let go of things just do it in your own time you will know when is best this is about your journey sending hugs take care
I really believe people think they can just fix us so that we can rejoin them in their world and have no idea that we can barely navigate our own homes let alone the rest of the world. Since losing my partner I am starting to see people in a different light and just maybe being on our own isn’t such a bad thing. A lot of people are clueless about what grief actually is…God help them if and when it happens to them
Sarlyn as the saying goes “You have hit the nail on the head” and I totally agree
Thank you i was alright leaving his things about ,until im ready to move them . But this friend made me question am i causing myself more pain having them there . So thank you for your help
@Sarlyn you’re right. I think people think 3 months in time to snap out of it!! People think they know Grief and yes they may well have lost someone, I’ve lost both my parents but the pain from losing a partner is totally different. No-one can understand unless they go through it.
@Sarlyn @Woman-50 totally agree with you both! I spend all my time alone now. I WFH and the only person I see is my wonderful brother. Never see any of Martins family and all contact from so called friends has stopped. I was upset at the start but now, I just don’t care! I honestly think people avoid me because it’s a reminder of what’s coming their way in the future ( sorry if that sounds harsh!)
I hate the usual nonsense, move on, you’re young blah, blah, blah! My thoughts now are I’d rather not hear from anyone… I’m much better on my own.
A neighbour of mine said to me the other day I think you should come out for a meal with us tomorrow night (her and her husband), I tried to bite my lip but I just couldn’t, so I ended up saying "why is it that when someone is bereaved that people don’t consider asking that person what they would like instead of saying what they think would be right for them? She couldn’t answer me and then I got the sympathy look which also annoyed me. She might just as well have said to me…your husband has dropped down dead so why not come out with me and my husband. There needs to be more education on grief and bereavement other than sending us off to councillors, Samaritan’s, etc, etc, boils my blood
I was going through a terrible time with this type thing after the funeral no one spoke my hubbies name like he never existed both family and friends so i asked why the majority said Ooh we feel we don’t wanna upset you I was like wth look I was married 37 year to him had children to him he existed very much in my life so I want you to speak his name whether I get upset or not does it embarrass you because am not so this is about me my loss and how I want to deal with it.
That’s what people say “ don’t want to upset you!” Makes me so mad! They are uncomfortable and want to avoid you, and God forbid you mention your lovely husbands name!
I’ve came to the conclusion that’s this journey is a journey you take alone, no matter what anyone says; one day it will visit their door…
One friend of mine said this in one sentence which made the world of difference to me
“Lyn you lead the way on this, you tell me what you want or need, when and where and I am here” that’s all I needed to hear. I actually wish I could clone her lol
Dottie72 You are right this is a journey you take alone as awful as it is and I often say the same one day they will face this and see if they have the same opinion then?
After I lost my Sandie 14 weeks ago at first I couldn’t do anything with any of her stuff… I still can’t…or move anything in the house. However, at the suggestion of my daughter we have now removed any of her day to day stuff out of my eyeline and into the wardrobe…which remains full of her clothes and things. It will stay full for as long as it needs to…but removing other stuff from my view helped greatly. Take your time
Sarlyn I am lucky to have that one friend also they are very rare.
It was just simple and from the heart. She helped me go to the Chapel of Rest and she never let go of my hand until I said I was ready. Rare diamond